Emotionless.

          It's the Third Day of School, and I'm already Cracking..

          This is my last year of high school, and I want to make the most out of it. So I've been pushing myself to the edge, and finally today, a crack. Having both of my Majors in the first semester while I'm trying to get into the Dance program is not as easy as I thought...

Boys, After-School Clubs, Part-Time Jobs, Academics, University Applications, Student Council, School Events, Teacher's Approvals, Peers' Approvals, Confidence, Style, Make-Up, Heels... Did I eat today ? Why am I still hungry ? My head hurts, I need an Advil. My Birthday is in 2 days. What should I do ? Does anyone care ? I'm tired. Am I going to make it into the Dance program ? Why am I even trying ? I'm not good enough, what's my talent ? Who am I ? Yes, I do want you to "she/her". Do they even see me as a Woman ? Am I passing ? Do I really need to make it about Feminism right now ? Shit, Dress Code. My feet hurts. Smile. Wave. Pose. Shit, Homework. 

          I feel anxious... I can't breathe. 

          I had to turn it off, or else I feel like I'll just collapse. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I am. I'm weak. I'm too weak... It was time, just turn it off.

          It's easier to push people away, it's easier to deal with their anger and hatred. Why ? Because I don't love myself enough... When I can't love myself, it's difficult to allow someone else to come and love me. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel needed, or wanted. I don't understand their love and care. People who love and care about me may be really upset by this, but sometimes I really don't feel needed. I don't feel wanted either. I think that me being less emotionally involved will help them being less annoyed, less worried, less tired with me. Again, this all can be a result of my insecurities and my inner demons, but I still feel these things and I'm not sure how to convince myself otherwise.

          I'm sorry, I need time. I need space. 
          I need to make myself a better person, a better friend. 
          I'm sorry I ever pushed you away. I'm sorry I seemed cold. It's just... that sometimes the fire within me burns, and I felt like the only way to fight it is to call for a blizzard.
          I'll be better, and I'll come back, and I'll love you.
          I don't know if I can ever ask for forgiveness, or anything else.
          I just wish for you to still be there, for when I come back, when I'm ready to love you.