Just Love Me.

          I've not been well...

          Lately, I've been just anxious, stressed and all over the place. I couldn't focus or keep up in my classes, and I'm always running around to choirs, student council meetings, trying to fix and solve an issue or situation...etc. Yet, on top of all of this, I still need to put on a happy face to socialize with people at school. I'm tired. So, I let myself loose and I stopped trying with a few of my close friends, I'm grumpy, I'm sad, I'm quiet, I'm weirdly calm, I'm weirdly emotional, I'm just again, all over the place. And my friends, who are very lovely and supportive, try their best to help and be there for me.

          The thing is, I don't need help, I don't need advice, I don't need you to ask me what you can do. I need you to love me. I've actually said that so many times, yet no one really understands. It's not their fault, I sometimes don't even understand myself. I'm complicated. At times, I just need to be loved, I just need to feel loved. I know what I've gotten myself into, and I'll figure how to get myself out. All I need, is to have someone there, supporting and loving me. I just want to know that someone's gonna be there, and catch me when I fall. I feel really lonely and isolated sometimes, so I need that reassurance, that extra words of kindness and love. And I know it may sound selfish and weird that I'm even daring to express this, but when I say, "love me", what I really mean is, "make me feel loved".

          I've never been able to find that security, that understanding of knowing that someone's gonna be there no matter what. I feel as though that once I stop being the one that actively expresses the love, then everyone else will automatically turn away. I've always felt like I needed to be the one to keep a relationship alive. Yet here I am, so tired, so anxious, so stressed, and I just needed someone else to be that person, to love, to hold, to listen, to care, and to support me. I will break, I will fall, I will lose my balance, but I need someone there to catch me, to support me while I try to put myself back together again. Sometimes get angry and annoyed, I'm irrational, I know. But it's just because of my own emotions inside that are so wild and complicated, it feels as though I'm being consumed. I'm jealous of the happiness around me, the beauty around me, and the simplicity of those who can just live in the moment.

           This sense of security is suppose to come from our parents, our families, yet I don't think I've ever felt secured with my family, so I know I'm asking a lot from my friends, and I'm sorry. It would just be nice, if I can be irrational, weird, stubborn, emotional, emotionless, complicated, messy, tired, sad, irritated...etc, and still know that I'll be loved, I'll be supported.

          Just Love Me.

          I know you do, but I don't.