It Was In Grade 6...

          So... this is a story, a memory that I thought I would never want to share publicly on this Blog. I've only referred to this incident before in the Blog Piece "Til It Happens To You" as a way to spread awareness for Sexual Assault. I have shared and wrote just about everything of myself here, my past, my family, my journey through questioning...etc. I mean, of course I have not gone into details with my family because I think they deserve some privacy, but with major events that just involve specifically me, I've shared. I'm an open book ! I've always took pride in that. And what I'm about to share in detail, is something actually I have forgotten for a long time. I don't know why I forgot about it, why my brain kept it locked up. Yet I only started to remember that it happened years later in Canada telling my friends about my past experiences.

          I don't know why I want to share this. I just think that I'm ready, and I think of this Blog as a place where I can let things go, to let my past free. If I can write it, I'm over it. If I can write it, I can start to heal. If I can write, I can recover. And again, I was not raped, I don't think of myself as a greater victim than anyone else who have been assaulted or harassed sexually, but it's just something horrible that I went through.

          It was in Grade 6, when I was in Malaysia. I was innocent, I didn't know anything about sex, pleasure, or what sexual organs do. They don't really teach about sexual and personal health in Asia. But anyway, I was bullied like everyday. It was bad. All the boys from my class would beat me up, call me names like "faggot", "gay", "fatty"...etc. Those, I remembered. What I forgot was how on one particular day, something happened in the washroom. I walked in, and there they were, everyone were there hanging out at the beginning of lunch just right after class had ended. They made fun of me, and I stood up for myself. Well, what happened next was that they all started to beat me up, usual stuff. Yet something weird was that they all surrounded me. A few just kept kicking me, but some punched my back so that I fell down to the ground on all fours. Then two of them started to take turns dry humping me from behind. I remembered everyone laughing and saying that I would "like it because I'm a faggot." I didn't know why they were doing that or what they meant at the time, I just focused on how painful the punches and kicks felt. After they were done, they left and locked me in the washroom, I missed lunchtime that day, and I remembered crying a lot. It wasn't rape, but it was sexual assault, apparently so traumatic that my brain didn't let me to remember it until now in Canada. Maybe It's better that I didn't understand what they meant, maybe it's better that I forgot about it for so long, so that it was less impactful, less traumatizing I guess...

          I was telling my friend about Malaysia, talking about all the bullying that I used to experience. And when I started to remember this, I was shaking. I think that maybe the only impacts it has on me is the way I interact with men - how I'm more defensive and guarded with them, and how uncomfortable I feel about my body sometimes. I feel myself being angry to boys that remind me of the bullies in my past. Boys that make me feel less of myself, and don't see me as the woman that I am. The sad thing is, I believed them, because I didn't think I deserve better.

I was in Grade Six.

Their Hands were holding me down, and

Their Hips were thrusting me from behind.

I was clothed, yet

I was more naked than ever.

Their Penises were their Egos.

They thought, 

That conquering me, 

Taking my "Manhood" away, 

Stripping away my Power, would 

Make them the "Real Men". 

Yet. For me, 

It was a moment of Truth. 

Stripped away of my dignity, my pride, and my power, 

I blossomed. 

I realized, that I will never be a man. 

That I need to become the woman that I meant to be. 

That my penis is different. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Flowers, 

they blossom of Humbleness. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Diamonds, 

they strengthen through Love. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Pearls, 

they shine with Purity and Grace. 

I am a Woman. 

          I am a Woman, and I will never ever, let anyone, let any man, tell me otherwise. I will not allow anyone, any man, make me think otherwise. To anyone who have been through any form of sexual assault, please remember that it's your body. It is your body. It may feel like it's not, but it is. When you're ready, claim it back, and remember. Remember that you are not defined by what they think, what they do, and what they say. That we deserve to feel like a whole person, that we are nothing less than beautiful. That we are meant to shine like the stars, that we are no less perfect than the sun. That we deserve to love the world, and that we deserve to love ourselves.