Love Clinic 1.0

          It's been awhile since I talked about Love and Relationships eh ? Well, as a happily single teenager, I may not have many experience to share, yet I think about love everyday. Plus, maybe I can offer a different perspective on Love since I'm single. So welcome, to Leon's Love Clinic.

          Love 101 : Love doesn't Fade, it's the People that Change.

          I believe that the idea of eternity is a form of perfection, yet us humans are far from perfect. Love is an emotion created by humans that can be sometimes forever and even perfect, yet it's subjective. So love can be perfect, but relationships are very flawed. It's often common that we people who are in relationships wishes for eternity. Though relationships don't tend to last forever, we can still believe that our love can have the chance of eternity. Since emotions are associated with memories, love can be treasured and kept alive as long as the memories are there. My advice for those who are wishing on a forever is, Don't forget the Present. If you dwell on the idea of eternity, you'll forget the present and lose your chances to make the moments/memories that makes up that forever. Because you see, all the future is, is really just what the present has became. Love only changes because of the people. Focus on teach other and the moments you share, and treasure those beautiful, and happy memories.

          Break Up 101 : What's really Difficult about the Break Up, is the Letting Go.

          One of the things that hurts the most after a break up, is that you realize that you no longer have a "we"/"us" to talk about, or to even think about. We all can dwell on the memories created, but we need to know that the reason why we do, is really not just because we miss them, it's also because that we want to lie to ourselves. We intensely grab on the past because we can't accept of what has happened in the present. You may not understand, how a relationship can just end. How from now, his/her laughs, tears, blushes, and emotions/actions in general will no longer be because of you, yet some may only be just about you. But, you need to understand, that the more you look into the past, the more you're letting go of the present. What you need is to let go of the past and face the present and be ready for the future. It's okay to cry, it's okay to take time, but you can't use the forever you wished for your relationship here alone. And when it's time, when you're ready to let go. You'll finally be free.

          

Me and Them

          A lot of times, when my girl friends have boyfriends, there always seem to be a sort of tension between me and them. I don't blame them, because I know myself, and the ways I can present myself. It even took awhile for some of my closest friends to get to meet the real me. I can be messy and complicated, so of course, some may not like me.

          It gets tiring, because I really don't feel like it's my job to please people. Though I am at fault for making certain people feel bad, or uncomfortable. And I can't blame Leyonce either, it's just me. To some, I may be fake, manipulative, sassy borderline mean, but I really don't try to be. It just upsets me when some may get the wrong idea of me, and I want to do the right thing. Yet it can be difficult, and tricky. An image isn't easy to change, and how people see you can easily be changed for the better. Yet I understand that feelings stick, and when people express that they feel almost bullied by you, to me it feels unreal. I really don't know how to even say sorry sometimes...

          I have a friend. She used to be sassy but mean, she didn't have a filter and she blocks people away. Many hated her for it and I totally understand how people's feelings could be easily hurt by that. Yet she was dealing with a lot of bullying herself and things have not been easy for her because of her personal reasons. Some still don't accept her past behaviors even understanding how it's not the real her, it's just her defense mechanism. I think it's definitely tricky, and I myself don't know how to be myself in front of boys. It's part of my insecurity too. But I can't used this, I don't want to expect them to understand or valid my actions base on my past. I will not let my past define me, not anymore.

          But to me, I have not been mean, I'm different than my friend with her past behaviors, I know for a fact that I'm not mean and I am not a bully (or at least I really hope I'm not one). I will apologize for anything I've said to make someone feel uncomfortable, but I need to stay true to my feelings too. It's not just about one person, I've been having problems with a lot of my friends' boyfriends for awhile now. Some were jealous, some were just being irrational, yet I really don't know what to do. I think it's sometimes unfair for them to interfere with my friendships. To be honest, I am scared of these boys. Maybe it's because of my past experience with men, but I am scared. I am just really scared and I don't know why...

          I think personally, I need to face my insecurity. I need to end it once it for all and end this cold war between me and them. Maybe it's them and maybe it's me, but I'm just tired. I just want everything to be over and everyone to be happy. I have to make it right. 

A Love Story

          So, UPDATE: still Single, and still Fabulous.

          Story Time: A nineteen year old boy direct messaged me on Instagram a few days ago and I just had the most random conversation ever with him. He was like horny, and wanted to video chat me and get some booty pics, BUT he lives in the Middle East and he has no idea who I am ! He said that he found my account through the #Gay. (I think I really need to start toning down my hashtags now...) I don't know how I feel about this, it's like flattering, creepy, scary, random, and funny all at the same time. After all, he's just a sweet horny guy, and I'm really flattered. Yet I turned him down saying that he seems cool and he's really nice for the compliments, but I'm not looking for anything at the moment, especially with a stranger online... Plus, I'm not letting myself into another online thing again. No matter how desperate and lonely I feel, it'll always end badly because I'm looking for a real relationship. 

          I'm looking for a Love Story.

          I was on the bus alone, and listening to love songs. I started to daydream about love again, just like the old days. I suddenly remembered how good it felt, to imagine me experiencing a real, happy, loving relationship with someone I care about. Now, I thought that I would get all depressed and sad forever-alone after thinking about relationships, but I was wrong. I'm still quite happy of where I am right now. I feel so good lately about being single, I'm so happy about the progress I've made. The thing is, I'm not losing hope. I'm still searching for a Love Story. Yet, at the same time, I'm also taking time to focus on myself and figuring my own Story out. So I'm in no rush for love, because I know I have to start loving myself first. And I think, I think that I've just really finished the chapter one of the Love Story I'm in right now, a Love Story titled "Me & Myself".

          UPDATE: I'm still Single, yet I'm even more Fabulous.

A New Story, A New Beginning.

          I was a Butterfly, yet the sky was still limiting. So now, now I'm a mermaid.

          Before I officially change the title of this Blog, just let me share with you guys the story of why I named it "Tears Of The Butterfly". I've always admired butterflies, I admired their beauty, their wings, their elegance and grace. Especially when their wings are multi-coloured, it's a rainbow. Plus, I wanted to fly, I wanted freedom. But a butterfly is weak, fragile, and their wings are easily damaged. Once a human's finger has touched their wings, the little scales on their wings will fall off and they will lose their ability of flight. Also, with the rain, they are restricted. Their beauty is their weakness, and I was a butterfly. I came out as a gay male, colourful, and "free", yet I was still restricted, confined, and weak. My own colours - the Gay Male label was the chains that kept me away from my true freedom. So this Blog was named as "Tears Of The Butterfly", because all my Blog pieces are as real and vulnerable as if they're the droplets of tears from a colourful, beautiful, yet fragile butterfly. It's my journey, and now, everything's changing.

          I may be a beautiful butterfly. But now, I'm stripping away all my colours, my wings, and my existing labels, to dive into the real world - my reality, the ocean.

          I am now, a Mermaid. And I'm still weeping, as I go on with my journey to search for my true freedom in the endless ocean before me. But I'm stronger, as my tears will now not be seen in the great ocean. My tears, can only be seen when I expose my vulnerability. This Blog, is now different, as you all should know that it's not only just my little daily journal anymore. It's my tears, of Joy, of Pain, of Regret, of Pride, of everything that makes me me. This Blog is a jar that catches my tears like little rain drops, to record and share my story. It's a Mermaid Tale.

          Welcome, to my world. Welcome, to Tears Of A Mermaid. 

Scars Part 2 - I'm Afraid.

          I'm Afraid. 

          Even without saying that I'm trans, many online already think I am with the pictures of myself in a dress and make-up. I guess it's okay but I can already feel the pressure of the society's beauty standards on women. I'm afraid that my self-esteem will just go back to the way it started as and everything I've worked hard for self-love will be gone like that. I just don't feel like I'm beautiful enough for a woman, and I know that the beauty standards are bullshit. But I'm still insanely insecure....

          I know I'll be able to work on loving myself again with the friends and support that I now have, but what about my family !? I seriously don't think they'll be able to support me even if they wanted to, and I won't be able to have the resources to transition. And maybe in the future, I may be able to afford to transition myself, but is there even a point for me to do it after puberty !? And I understand that I can still be transgender without going through a transition, I'm sure my friends and my family can support me enough to use the right pronoun and see me as a female overtime. But what about love ? It's no doubt that it's way more difficult for a trans person to find love, and it's really upsetting. The more unique and free I am, I seem to be just moving and moving into a smaller and smaller amount of possible partners. it's almost like me having to choose between myself or love. And I just had a thought a few days ago, why are all my crushes on straight men !? Is it really just because that's my type ? Is it really because I'm afraid of rejection ? No, no it's not. Maybe it's because I feel like a woman deep down inside. Just maybe....

          Plus, let's say I never go through transition, how will I find a straight man that can see me as a female with a male body !? Can somehow really still love me when I strip away the dress, the heels, and the make-up !? Can I !? Because I don't even think I can.... I'm afraid, I'm scared that everything will change and I'll lose everything that I have worked for. I'm just too afraid to let go. And it's scary, it's really scary to go back to that place. A place of self-hate and vulnerability, knowing that you're an outcast and getting all these hateful judgement and comments. People over the years have gained more respect for the Gay and Lesbian community, but the Transgender people are still getting bullied and bashed every single day. I know I'm strong enough to fight through it, because I did. But I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't think I want to either.

          Maybe being afraid is okay, and I need to accept my fear. But I also need to know that everything will be okay and I just gotta to be brave. It's never easy finding or/and being yourself. Yet I truly believe that it'll be all worth it. 

          I want to be free, and I have to. I am a Mermaid.