Being Good Isn't Good Enough.

          Wow. It's almost unbelievable. I've been accepted into the Universities of Arts London: London College of Fashion. It's right here in front of me, an opportunity to study abroad in the United Kingdom, how fabulous ! I'm so happy, grateful, and touched by everyone's encouragements. Yet, it wasn't exactly what I wanted...

          The UAL organization, Universities of Arts London, has 6 Universities & Colleges in London, England under it's wing, each offering different educations relating to the Arts. 2 out of the 6, Central Saint Martins and London College of Fashion offers great Fashion programs which I've set my eyes on. Both are great, yet CSM is just a dream school, which many has said to be the best fashion institute in the world. LCF is wonderful as well, offering some programs in which CSM does not, Fashion Psychology, Fashion Communication, Footwear Design, Undergarments Specializations...etc. UAL came to Toronto to do a round of interviews in November and February, and they've recommend that the fashion applicants sign up for November just because of how competitive their programs are. Everything is a little rushed, and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety to pull a portfolio together. Now, the Arts schools under UAL are special, they are great programs with a certain standard level, and they require all international students and students that just came out of high school to study a predegree program (1 year long) before applying for their undergraduate degree programs. So the interview that I just had is not even for the actual degreed programs, yet the quality must be there.

          I've arrived, preparing myself for the worst, thinking that I may not be good enough, talented enough for Central Saint Martins, the school which ranks number 1 in the world, and produced the one and only, Alexander McQueen. They came and took my work from me, went in for about 15 minutes, came out to get me, sat me down... 

"So Fashion Design. Why ?" 

          I gave my answer as clear and passionately as possible.

"See, the problem is, most of what you have here are not fashion designs, they're just pretty fashion illustrations. Come, let's take a look.

There's not enough work, it's just sketches out of your head, not enough process, not enough design. How are you going to bring them to life ? Is that even possible ? I do like some of them, they're okay. The print works are fine. Your mixed media works are good, quite creative. Here, sit.

Now, CSM holds a certain standard, in which is not necessary better, but definitely more intense. With the works that you have now, you'll fail.

What I think will work for you, and for the best, is to offer you an acceptance into London College of Fashion's predegree course, not Central Saint Martin's. But, since I can see in your application that you're fairly passionate about CSM, why don't you come back in February with a new set of work, but we'll give you this offer for now, which I strongly suggest. Any questions ?"

          So now, I'm not that upset about the offer, since London College of Fashion is a good school after all, and I'll still be able to study abroad. But is this really good enough ? That was one of the most difficult 15 minutes of my life, they didn't give me time to think, talk, explain, or defend my art works. I've prepared to talk about my work, my inspirations, relating my photography, my sketches, my sculptures, and my paintings to fashion and how I would use it in my designs. But I guess there's no time for that, either I've got it or I don't. That's the fashion world.

          I'm definitely disappointed in myself, but I need to have hope as I'm given another chance. I'll take London College of Fashion for now, but I think I should come back in February to give Central Saint Martins another shot. Some people may settle, for LCF, ranking number 8 in the world for an education in fashion. (Which is completely reasonable.) But being good isn't good enough, or is it ? Will I settle this time and not try to push myself over the edge ? I don't know... For now, I just need to rest, I need to take a break, and celebrate for what I've accomplished. 

A Word About... Leadership.

          After OSLC, I started thinking about Leadership, and how we can all learn to be a better leader. I think that especially this year, I've put myself into a lot of leadership positions. I've definitely learned a lot, and I'm sure I'll continue to. And I of course don't think that I'm a "better" leader than anyone, I just think that I'm more critical of leadership values since it's a public service.

          I think that sometimes, in a lot of cases, leadership opportunities are not offered for everyone. OSLC costed like what, about $350 ? It was also extremely loud and crowded, you have to be squeezed into a room with 2000 other people. It was high energy 24/7, and it emphasized on fun. It's similarly to a lot of what high school's student councils trying to achieve, hype. We have spirit assemblies, rallies, events, just to boost up energy of the school. People screaming, dancing, singing...etc. Now, it's great, and it's fun. Yet I feel like we're almost focusing too much on this one side of leadership. I think that sometimes organizations tends to forget the other side of leadership, the more passive side.

          For me, leadership is about listening. Listening to what we need, what needs to be done, and how we can make a difference, and be better. It's about first knowing how to reflect on ourselves. These spirited assemblies, what's the purpose ? What about those students who aren't able to be "fun" ? There are students living with special needs, depression, anxiety...etc. Some are anti-social, and some may be bullied, whom doesn't feel like they can participate, or that they shouldn't get involved because no one cares. How are we suppose to help them feel more included ? More safe ? We need to listen. And maybe I'll get some backlash, but I find that a lot of leaders are leading for themselves. They want to have fun, they like this energy, this party-like environment. Yet, that's sometimes the last thing we need.  It was funny, while everyone else was all hyped-up in OSLC, I was busy taking notes from the speakers. Don't get me wrong, I love to have fun, yet I'm just more interested in learning. Also, not to mention the lack of minorities' representations in many leadership teams.

          Leadership, is not fun. It's not suppose to be fun. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel joyful or enjoy what you're doing, no, but if you're having more fun than the people, there's a problem. Also, leadership isn't always successful. I think that most of the speakers in OSLC are successful in one way or the other. Which is fine, they've obviously worked their way there. Yet I personally would love to listen to a speaker that is still struggling yet kept fighting, that is maybe not successful in most society's eyes. That's inspiring. That's sometimes what we leaders need to listen to, that's what we need to learn.

OSLC 2016 !

          For those of you who don't know, I've just attended OSLC in Niagra Falls, Ontario Student Leadership Conference, it's Canada's longest and largest leadership conference. It was absolutely a pleasure to attend, yet it was a fuzzy mess just before I went as I was invited to an Equity & Inclusion Leadership Camp after my involvement with my school's LGBTQ+ Assembly. The two events conflicted, and I had to make a decision, and I chose OSLC.

          OSLC ran for 3 days, costed for about $350, and we had to bring our own money for some of the meals. The Equity & Inclusion Camp also ran for 3 days, costed $0, and all meals were provided. So why did I choose OSLC ? Because I don't take the easy way, I never do. Because of my role in the LGBTQ+ community, when they invited me to their camp, they made sure that I would room with the gender that I identify with, females. Yet, for OSLC, it was another fight. Finally, I did get to room with my girlfriends, and at the end everything was fine. The process was not fun though, and it was a little insensitive to me as a Transgender individual, but it's their first time really dealing with it, and I was clear to them that I will not let them make me room alone again. It took awhile, they were stressed, me and my roommates were stressed, but it's worth it. Now, they have a sense of how they should handle situations like this, and in the future, when another Transgender individual wishes to participate, they will be able to give them the best and correct experience as possible.

          Am I upset that I couldn't participate in the Equity & Inclusion Camp ? Of course, but OSLC was a life-changing experience as well. It had amazing speakers, thoughtful workshops, and an energy that was just so spirited and loud. It was truly a pleasure. I've learned so much, and had so much fun. I think that my path as an activist, as a leader really grew, starting from my decision to not take the easy road. Who knew ? Maybe I could've ended up rooming with boys again, and had a horrible time. It was a risk, and I threw my happiness into the pit and had to fight it back again. And again, I'm so happy that it worked out at the end. I'm so grateful for the changes and extra-work the school admins had to do/make, and my roommates standing by me, and being there for me.

          I had a magical time. Hearing some of the speakers' lessons and stories really touched me, and I've learned so much about how to be a better leader, not only for my community, but for myself as well. Also, it was at such a high level of energy for all 3 days ! I got tired after the first day, and I'm pretty sure my ear drums are very damaged right now. Still though, it was a lot of fun. We had a semi-formal dance, and I was in there, among the crowds, with my friends, just dancing. Despite being sweaty and gross, and that it was in the dark, with neon lazer beams everywhere so I don't even know why I bothered to put make-up on. I felt it. I know it's cheesy, but I feel so alive. I felt pain and tensions in my muscles, but I had to keep moving, keep dancing. I felt comfortable, happy, and excited in my body. I danced, I laughed, and I forgot about my troubling life. I thought to myself, wow. I've forgotten how simple and fun life could be. And that was it. 

          True leadership isn't always fun, sometimes uncomfortable even. It's learning to expose yourself, giving part of yourself to the world, to the public. "Love is something that the more you give, the more you get back."

Boys. Boys. Boys.

          I have been just too sad with my Blog pieces lately, let's talk about something light ! Something I haven't wrote about in awhile, Boys. It's not that I'm too sad to think about Boys, but honestly I haven't had a crush ever since I think the beginning of summer really. I think that I've just accepted that high school boys aren't worth it and that I need to focus on more important stuff, like working on myself, spending time with my friends, and being an activist.

          Do I want love ? Of course, and if there comes a chance to be in a relationship right now, I would take it. And I don't mean to criticize teenage boys, but I've yet to find a lot of them that's mature enough to really see me as a woman and respect my community. Can I date an anti-feminist ? No. Not after what I've been fighting for and everything I go through as a Transgender female. And that's one of my biggest fear, is to fall in love with someone that's scared. Someone who is ashamed of dating me, a girl with a dick. Someone who is not brave enough to fight alongside with me, who still needs time to grow and be educated. It'll be painful, and it's difficult to find a boy who will do that for us part of the community in high school. 

          Because of my choice in advocating myself for the community, I can't hide it. I hear stories of other transgender females going on dates not letting the others know about their past, and about their bodies. And let's be honest here, I don't think I'll be successful if I do that, I don't think I pass enough. It's scary, to like people, to fall in love with people as Trans individuals. People fail to see that, to understand that we'll always have to be more careful, more hesitant, and we'll always be feeling more vulnerable and insecure. Before we even get rejected, we'll already have felt that rejection, from society, from other men, from ourselves...

         Anyway, there's this boy I'm starting to find very attractive (both physically and personality wise). No biggie, just hope that it won't develop into another hopeless crush. Ugh. Feelings ! Wish I can just lock them up sometimes. Because chances are, nothing will happen anyway. Life's just... rough. Anyway yeah, that's all I guess, it's just Boys.

Sleepy.

          Sadness came faster than I thought. Well, it has never really left to be honest. The last two weeks have been a high for me, I'd give it a 6/10. That's a high you ask ? It really is. And I've tried my best to make it last, yet it's just draining. I'm tired, and I'm just... sleepy.

          I come home everyday, and I want to do absolutely nothing. I scroll through the internet, and then I tuck myself to sleep. I've been sleeping a lot, yet it just seems like it's not ever enough. I'm behind in school, and I'm having trouble focusing. I've realized that I'm losing passion, in those things that I use to love. I almost fall asleep every time in choir. And I'm beginning to lose creativity and motivation in visual art. This isn't right, this isn't healthy... I know. I need to get help, and my doctor's appointment is next week, hopefully I can survive until then. Yet it'll be a long process, I'll get referred to a therapist/psychologist, then I'll have to wait again. Healing takes time, I guess.

          What will I say ? "I'm not happy anymore."

          Well, have I been ever happy ? When was the last time I can say that I'm happy ?

          I can't remember. I'm tired. I'm sleepy.

          After 3 hours of napping, I still am sleepy. It doesn't make sense, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night. Why am I so tired, what am I tired of ? Life. Everything seems to be so pointless and I wonder if I'll ever be happy again.

          I'm lonely. People tell me that I'm not alone, my friends reassure me that they're there for me. Then why do I feel so lonely ? This isolation, this self-destruction. People don't understand. My friends said that they're hurt because they keep trying to reach out but I'm not responding. So it seems like this violence within myself is not only hurting myself, but hurting those who love me as well. But they're gone. People pulled away, people don't know how to help, people want me to get better first. It makes me angry, that people want me to get better first. It's like they only want friends whom they can have fun with. I need to be fixed, I need to fun, then I can hang out, then I can play, then I can be there. I get it, no one wants to have a bad time, so it makes sense that they wouldn't want me to ruin their days. Yet it's unfair that this isolation is all said to be my fault. Why is it, that I need to feel guilty for not being able to smile, to reach out, to hug, to make a joke, and to respond ? Why ? Sanity is a privilege. I want to be sane, I want to open up. Here I am, staring at my computer screen, wanting to cry, to scream, to at least open up to myself. Yet, I'm too tired. I don't even have the energy, I can barely breathe...

          My friends, and all others, none of them are here for me. They're all there, waiting. Waiting for me to get better, to be better. Waiting for me to be... happy.

          It's time to think about Universities and Colleges. And I've been preparing to apply to a few schools outside of the country. I want to leave. I've always wanted to leave. Sometimes leaving is easier you know. I've left Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, and my Middle School here in Canada, I've always been the one to leave. Why ? Because it gives me a chance to start over, to be reborn, to be better. At least I've always seen it that way. Sometime during these 4 years of High School, I said to myself, I will leave again, I will go and chase my dreams, but I won't have to start over. I believed that I've found myself a safe place to finally blossom and grow, that I wouldn't need to leave everything and everyone behind again... 

          Was I wrong ? Did I fuck up again ?

A Word About... Trump.

          So... Donald Trump. I'm not that angry honestly, I'm really just sad. I'm just upset. I'm sad that people actually voted for him. That so many Americans actually chose to vote for him, despite his twisted views and ignorance towards social issues, and his hatred and misunderstandings toward minority groups...etc. And now, the reality is that, Donald Trump, actually won. He is, the president, of United States. (Even though that Hilary has more votes, the State's electoral system elected Trump)

          I want to stay positive, and I want to be hopeful. I keep telling myself, and praying, that maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll actually use this chance, this new power, to be better, to educate himself. Maybe he'll actually do a good job. Just maybe... Yet, I couldn't help but to remember that this feeling isn't completely new. I think that as minorities, we all have felt this way before. We all have wanted to stay hopeful, wanting to believe that a privileged yet ignorant person in our life will learn, will try to understand, and will be our ally. It is sad, that I still see men, white people...etc celebrating Trump's victory, commenting on how they're glad that he has won.

          Trump getting elected, proves the reality of our Misogynistic society. It is a reminder that Racism is still well and alive. It is also a perfect example of Rape Culture. I don't give two shits about how you don't like Hilary. I don't care if you think she's ugly, maybe she's not "real" enough for you. This is politics. Politicians have been known for being fake, having secrets and scandals. Her e-mails were checked by the FBI and confirmed to be nothing at all, what else do you need ? Honestly. Logically speaking, Trump is not in anyway a fit for such power. People don't understand that they have this disgust with Hilary because the fact that she's a woman. It can be subconscious, remember that internalized sexism is a thing. Trump's win is exactly the reason why I'm feminist.

          Now, we live in fear. My communities are scared. My communities are grieving. My communities are again feeling hopeless. And that's why we need to be even more united, loving, supportive, and strong. We need to fight. I'll keep fighting. People have said, that I'm "too much", I post "too much", I'm being too "aggressive". No. Don't you see, this is why I have to voice my rights, speak louder, and spread awareness. This is why. And if you don't understand that, then you're part of the problem too. How dare you. How dare you sit back, wanting to joke around and have fun when Gay people are being denied for their love ? When Trans people are being murdered ? When Men and Women are being sexually assaulted ? When Muslims, Latinos, Blacks...etc., are still being disrespected and discriminated against ? If you're white, if you're a man, and you think that you don't have to care, you're part of that oppressive system. It's selfish too, to be okay with such hate, just because it's not towards you. Seriously, stop. Take this chance, take Trump's victory, to wake up, and see how privileged you are, and learn. Be an ally. Like I'm sorry, you just aren't a good ally if you support Trump (I'll even doubt calling you an ally).

         It's sad, and many still need time to grieve. We all need a break, we are all so tired. We've fight for so much, and for so long. Yet, we can not lose hope, we can not give up. We have to stand taller, scream louder, shine brighter, and love even harder. I'm ready, I'm ready to love. Others can take their time, as it is such a difficult reality, especially if they live in America. But I'm ready. I'll embrace all the hate, all the ignorance, all the violence, and I want to turn them into my fuel, my source of power, to keep supporting my communities, and standing up for what's right.

Roller Coaster

          Things have been better, they really have.Yet, there's this feeling of anxiety, of the need to prepare myself, for the next low. That's the thing though, I feel like sometimes I can't even enjoy my happy moments in life because I'm just worrying and stressing about my next low. I wonder what will happen next, when will be my next suicidal thought, my next panic attack, my next, isolation.

          Life is a roller coaster, and while everyone else seems to be waiting for something, I am too. People are waiting for their next class, for a bus ride, for someone to call/text them back, for their big break, for a job interview, for their exam, for their flight, for their friends/family...etc, but here I am, waiting for my next wave of sadness. I'm trying my best to not write another super depressing blog piece, and really, nothing bad has happened in the past week. Honestly, life just sucks sometimes. I have an appointment with my family doctor, and I'll ask to be referred to a therapist. I'm scared, but I guess I really need it. I can no longer think that I'll be able to fix everything. Yes, I'm strong, but I'm still human, I'm still just a teenager.

          Let's say I get diagnosed with mental illnesses, to be honest I wouldn't be surprised. Well, I've lived with mentally unstable people my whole life, it's difficult to be not affected. And it's not their fault, I love my family, and I want nothing but happiness for them. Yet, I have nights, where I go to bed, wondering if I'll ever see them again. Do you know what that's like ? Can you even imagine it ? I've fallen asleep thinking and preparing myself to wake up to a dead body of my mother, or my brother... It's bizarre, and there's always a sense of relief every morning, to hear their voice, to see that they've woken up already. Of course, they're nasty towards me in the morning if I take a little long getting ready or that they're just in a bad mood. But I admit that there's just such a relief and joy to see them alive and "well" everyday. I wonder if they fear of losing me, I don't think so. Not because they don't love or care for me, but in reality, they are unable to handle my struggles and problems. I don't even think my brother knows about me having suicidal thoughts.They have already so much going on, they sometimes they do nothing but isolate themselves. Sounds familiar ? What a family, eh ?

          I have to get better, I have to be happy. Even writing that seems ridiculous. How long have I been writing that ? Seriously, am I right ? It seems totally unrealistic and hopeless right now, but I know that someday, someday I'll be able to laugh again. Like really laugh, really just be in the moment, and be happy.