Just Love Me.

          I've not been well...

          Lately, I've been just anxious, stressed and all over the place. I couldn't focus or keep up in my classes, and I'm always running around to choirs, student council meetings, trying to fix and solve an issue or situation...etc. Yet, on top of all of this, I still need to put on a happy face to socialize with people at school. I'm tired. So, I let myself loose and I stopped trying with a few of my close friends, I'm grumpy, I'm sad, I'm quiet, I'm weirdly calm, I'm weirdly emotional, I'm just again, all over the place. And my friends, who are very lovely and supportive, try their best to help and be there for me.

          The thing is, I don't need help, I don't need advice, I don't need you to ask me what you can do. I need you to love me. I've actually said that so many times, yet no one really understands. It's not their fault, I sometimes don't even understand myself. I'm complicated. At times, I just need to be loved, I just need to feel loved. I know what I've gotten myself into, and I'll figure how to get myself out. All I need, is to have someone there, supporting and loving me. I just want to know that someone's gonna be there, and catch me when I fall. I feel really lonely and isolated sometimes, so I need that reassurance, that extra words of kindness and love. And I know it may sound selfish and weird that I'm even daring to express this, but when I say, "love me", what I really mean is, "make me feel loved".

          I've never been able to find that security, that understanding of knowing that someone's gonna be there no matter what. I feel as though that once I stop being the one that actively expresses the love, then everyone else will automatically turn away. I've always felt like I needed to be the one to keep a relationship alive. Yet here I am, so tired, so anxious, so stressed, and I just needed someone else to be that person, to love, to hold, to listen, to care, and to support me. I will break, I will fall, I will lose my balance, but I need someone there to catch me, to support me while I try to put myself back together again. Sometimes get angry and annoyed, I'm irrational, I know. But it's just because of my own emotions inside that are so wild and complicated, it feels as though I'm being consumed. I'm jealous of the happiness around me, the beauty around me, and the simplicity of those who can just live in the moment.

           This sense of security is suppose to come from our parents, our families, yet I don't think I've ever felt secured with my family, so I know I'm asking a lot from my friends, and I'm sorry. It would just be nice, if I can be irrational, weird, stubborn, emotional, emotionless, complicated, messy, tired, sad, irritated...etc, and still know that I'll be loved, I'll be supported.

          Just Love Me.

          I know you do, but I don't. 

Just Dance.

          Most people use their last year of high school to prepare and focus on good grades, making beautiful memories their friends, and their university/college applications. Yet here I am, still exploring and testing the waters...

          I have decided to join dance this year. Many people don't know, but I've loved dancing since I was a little kid, and I've always admired dancers and movements. I tried to join ballet before I came to Canada, yet I was discouraged because one, I'm "too fat" to dance, and secondly, I've been told to not dance "like a girl". Well here I am, in a high school with such an amazing Arts program, I know I'll regret it if I don't use this chance to finally start dancing. I've been introduced many different dances, and Modern is my favorite. Modern is free, it's personal, and it has no gender roles or gender specific techniques. I can feel my passion for dance, like a fire within me, and it seems like it'll never put out. Also, dance is something much more to me. It's me exploring and feeling comfortable with my body. As a Plus-Size, Transgender woman of colour, I've had many issues with my body and appearance for a long time in the past. Just recently, I've finally started to love my body and accept my body, and dancing just makes it so much better.

          The open dance course I signed up for is next semester, but I couldn't wait any longer, it's my last year. So I went out of my comfort zone to an open dance audition for all the dance clubs in the school. Like a mermaid out of the water, I felt like I didn't belong... Everyone there have years of dance experience, and I was the biggest girl there. The audition did not go well, and I didn't get into the Modern dance club I wanted. I got into nothing. I felt disappointed, I felt stupid. I don't understand why I do this to myself, I don't know why I thought that I could be good enough. I have no dance experience, and maybe I'm just not talented. This happened for Vocal Music, I came into this high school minoring Vocal, then I switched to being a Vocal Major, and now I'm in two choirs as a leading Bass singer. I had passion, and I worked hard. And I thought that this would be the same. I thought that I can just work hard and give it my all. Yet the truth is, sometimes it's not always about passion and dedication, it takes talent and skill. And really, who do I think I am ? Visual Art major, Vocal Music major, Drama minor, and then Dance minor ? I'm passionate and I want to explore, yet what makes me think that I've got what it takes ?

          My audition for the minor class with the dance teacher (Since I have no dance experience whatsoever, she still wanted me to perform for her before letting me into the senior open dance course.) is next week, and I don't want to go into that feeling this way. I can't. I know I'm reaching for the stars, but I have passion, and I can work my ass off if I need to. I will give it my all, I will practice and practice. And I aim nothing less than perfection. I know I'm not the best, but I'll work towards the best. Being good, simply isn't good enough for me. And being great in one specialty, clearly isn't great enough either.

          I wonder, when will this end ? This constant desire of pursuing a new area of interest, this unlimited passion for the arts. This dedication, so stubborn and obsessive. This need to feel purposeful, and wanted. The need of perfection. I will work myself to death, and somehow I'm okay with that. I need to be moving forward, I need to be pushing myself everyday. I need do not only well, but great. Mediocrity is my ultimate enemy. 

          But I need to focus, because right now, all I need to do is dance. I just need to give it my best, my all, and my everything. I just need to keep dancing. Just keep dancing.

Seventeen. - Just Keep Swimming

          Birthdays can be great because of presents, but mostly it's about feeling appreciated. People are celebrating your existence. This is your day ! You were born, and people are happy about it. You feel loved, cared, and supported. And, it's also to record your years since birth, celebrating your growth and your time spent in this world, learning, feeling, and experiencing. (Of course, also a time to be grateful of your mother whom have brought you to life.)

          Wow, I'm Seventeen. Seventeen... I don't know how to feel.

          It may have nothing to do with turning seventeen, especially when my mental health has not been the greatest for the past month, but I'm really lost. It feels like underwater, the water is clear and I can see the sunlight shining down. Everything is clear around me, yet it feels like I'm still lost and grasping for air. I may be a mermaid, but I'm drowning... 

          I'm scared, because seventeen isn't really a big year, nor does it suppose to have a meaning. Yet, it'll be my last birthday spent in high school. My next birthday, will be spent alone in College. That's scary. I'm not ready, I'm really really scared. It just feels so stupid. Honestly, it's stupid. I've lived for seventeen years, and here I am. Insecure, scared, all emotional and stuff. I am in desperate need of some security. I just need peace. I want some stability within me, because all of this is very distracting. And it's getting in the way of my friendships, my focus in school, and just life in general. I need to slow down, I have to get all of this anxiety out of the way. I can't be like this.

          I need to breath. Just a breathe. Just a little.
          Seventeen, Seventeen, Seventeen.
          A mermaid drowning, how pathetic, how weak.
          Seventeen, Seventeen.
          I can't be saved, I just need to be strong.
          Seventeen.
          What is my purpose ?
          Seventeen.
          Who am I ?

          I know it's in there somewhere, it has to. I have to find that peace within me. I need to calm down, I need to not pushing myself. Relax, I don't have to stay on my toes everyday. I can let go just a little. I just need a break, I just need time. I just need to breathe.

          Just Keep Swimming.

          

Emotionless.

          It's the Third Day of School, and I'm already Cracking..

          This is my last year of high school, and I want to make the most out of it. So I've been pushing myself to the edge, and finally today, a crack. Having both of my Majors in the first semester while I'm trying to get into the Dance program is not as easy as I thought...

Boys, After-School Clubs, Part-Time Jobs, Academics, University Applications, Student Council, School Events, Teacher's Approvals, Peers' Approvals, Confidence, Style, Make-Up, Heels... Did I eat today ? Why am I still hungry ? My head hurts, I need an Advil. My Birthday is in 2 days. What should I do ? Does anyone care ? I'm tired. Am I going to make it into the Dance program ? Why am I even trying ? I'm not good enough, what's my talent ? Who am I ? Yes, I do want you to "she/her". Do they even see me as a Woman ? Am I passing ? Do I really need to make it about Feminism right now ? Shit, Dress Code. My feet hurts. Smile. Wave. Pose. Shit, Homework. 

          I feel anxious... I can't breathe. 

          I had to turn it off, or else I feel like I'll just collapse. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I am. I'm weak. I'm too weak... It was time, just turn it off.

          It's easier to push people away, it's easier to deal with their anger and hatred. Why ? Because I don't love myself enough... When I can't love myself, it's difficult to allow someone else to come and love me. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel needed, or wanted. I don't understand their love and care. People who love and care about me may be really upset by this, but sometimes I really don't feel needed. I don't feel wanted either. I think that me being less emotionally involved will help them being less annoyed, less worried, less tired with me. Again, this all can be a result of my insecurities and my inner demons, but I still feel these things and I'm not sure how to convince myself otherwise.

          I'm sorry, I need time. I need space. 
          I need to make myself a better person, a better friend. 
          I'm sorry I ever pushed you away. I'm sorry I seemed cold. It's just... that sometimes the fire within me burns, and I felt like the only way to fight it is to call for a blizzard.
          I'll be better, and I'll come back, and I'll love you.
          I don't know if I can ever ask for forgiveness, or anything else.
          I just wish for you to still be there, for when I come back, when I'm ready to love you.

How To Be Single 6.0 - Still Waiting.

          School's almost Starting...

          Here I Am, Still Waiting.

          This will be my last year in high school, and I'm still alone... We shouldn't need a relationship in high school, but we all want it one way or the other. And I know, it's annoying, but I'm just being honest here. It sucks, it really does. The worst part is, even when you're single, you still develop crushes, and hope to have a relationship. Oh how I wish that I can just turn off all romantic and sexual attractions like a switch. It's too much work, it's taking too much energy. I want to invest in things that's more realistic and promising. I'm scared, I'm scared that I'll like someone again once school starts... Well, feelings never went away, it's not like I actually got over anyone, it was just put on pause because of how busy I got and then summer came. I guess I'll just have to keep myself busy this year as well, no boys, no complications.

          A high school relationship, why would we want that ? We're so immature with our irrationality and complicated emotions in our teenage years. But maybe it's because we're young and our hormones are everywhere, that we seem to emphasis and look into these little emotions more. Young love, innocent, dramatic, and bitter sweet. So here I am, still waiting for him, someone, anyone.

          How To Be Single 6.0 :

Just because we understand the Single Life, doesn't mean we'll not want a relationship any less. I can tell myself anything, high school relationships aren't love, they're immature, they're not long-lasting, they hurts...etc. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but we still want it. Why ? Because we are just so desperate to feel anything, sometimes everything. Just remember, waiting, and preparing yourself for love, is also a part of Being Single.

Love Clinic 6.0

          You swung me into my dreams,

and you sang the lullabies.

          Your whispers...

          You gently tuck me in,

into the bed of roses that you've planted.

          Your kisses...

          You. Me. Us.

We're imperfect, we're ugly. Yet us together, it was perfect, it was beautiful.

Flowers bloom, and we were happy.

          What happened ?

          Love 601 : Roses with Thorns.

          Roses grow, and Roses die. The flower shed, but the thorns remains. We are too young, we don't know how to love. Romance just isn't realistic. You're not mature enough darling. You promised roses, but all they are left, are the thorns, stabbing into my skin. You held me, whispered. You left, you've escaped, and all I have are memories. It's not fair. It's not...

          Break Up 601 : Get Over It, Move On.

          How can we move on ? And just get over it ? Does it mean nothing ? Should it mean nothing ? Why did we even bother ? What am I suppose to do now ? Sometimes, we can't move on, we can only bury. We want to bury it, until we forget, until we forgive. It'll take time, and we're making progress. Step by step, day by day, we're just getting stronger. We can do this.