Depression Is When... (Poem)

Depression is when... 

When I overeat,

Trying to fill myself, my stomach,

Trying to fill this emptiness within me.

When I can’t get out of bed, 

Feeling like there’s no purpose to be alive. 

When I isolate myself, 

Blocking communications with others, 

Forcing people to leave me, 

Wanting to burden no one but myself. 

When I feel guilty,

For things that I can’t control. 

Feeling as if I need to be better, 

Feeling as if I need to change, 

Feeling as if I need to be fixed, 

In order to be loved. 

When I sleep for a whole day, 

And still feel sleepy, 

Desperate for an escape. 

When I want to cry, 

To let everything out. 

Yet I feel nothing, 

Not even a single tear. 

When I feel my friends’ hopelessness, 

Feeling like they no longer know, 

How to love me. 

When I fight a War with myself, 

Every Single Day. 

When I act so well, 

To look happy, To look confident, 

To be funny, To be sassy,

To be... fine.

Depression is when... 

When I don’t live, I Survive.

Leon Tsai

Daddy Issues II.

          In Part I, I explored my personal "Daddy Issues" recalling my complicated relationship with my father. Yet we have not talked about how our "Daddy Issues" may affect our relationships with men. The whole idea of this Father Complex and the complicated connections we have with our father archetypes is suppose to result in an unconscious mindset and behavioural impact when we interact with the other men around us.

          Yes, I do have Daddy Issues as we've discussed from Part I, and I'm weirdly okay with sexualizing the father archetype. While it's considered "weird" and "abnormal", we see it in the media, and it's actually fairly common to sexualize the parental archetypes. (ex. Sugar Daddies/Mommies and Sugar Babies...etc.) I can go on and on about this with Freud's psychological theories, but I won't. You can all do some researching if you're interested, or take a psychology course. Is my fascination with older men and sexualization of the father archetypes a result of my father's absence ? Why would I rather date and go for older men ?

          I can't speak on behalf of the LGBTQ+ community, yet I do personally know of many queer and trans teens who do actively look for older partners (especially older men), meaning that I'm not a rare exceptions ? Yet why ?! My theory is that we as queer and trans youths have a very difficult time finding a male interest because of toxic masculinity and society's standards of what manhood should be like. Us teenagers are still developing an identity, we all want to fit in, making it even harder for youth males to step out of the traditionary binary system. So us queer and trans teens think that we just need more mature men, men who can and will understand, who can take care of us...etc. After all, we're tired, we're exhausted from trying to survive in this society while still being proud and visible of our identities. Now, there is a danger to this theory, as we often are vulnerable targets of assault when we seek for older interests both sexually and romantically, creating even more Daddy Issues...

          Is there an end to this ? Is there a way we can drop these baggages from our childhood ? Well, psychologically speaking, childhood traumas are there to stay. But we can move on and be better even if impacted negatively from these events. Similarly to counselling and therapy, we need to identify and work through the cause and effect of our traumas, so we can be more consciously aware of our behaviours and thoughts.

Daddy Issues I.

         Daddy Issues, or in a more sophisticated academic language: "Father Complex", it's a group of unconscious associations or impulses to the image/archetype of a father. Many psychological studies have been done that includes this complex, such as reports/theories by Freud and Jung...etc. Now, I find myself with "Daddy Issues", do you ? Or is it "Mommy Issues" that you carry ?

          My father, a "former" alcoholic (some say that once an addict, always an addict), did not come with us when we left Taiwan. He became an addict due to his business, as he needed to drink socially with clients even when he's super lightweight and would get wasted every time. He then started drinking out of stress... but my father was and is a good man. He is kind, and generous, and super friendly. He's personality is so easygoing, I don't know anyone who doesn't like him. Most who know him will only describe him in one word: "Nice". He is nice, yet still a human after all. He just represses all of the negativity, unpleasantness, anger, disappointments...etc deep within him. And when he's drunk, those demons get unleashed. The negativity became him, and it's scary, he became abusive, physical, and violent... It's almost like he's not the same person. But it's just a toxic cycle, as after, when he gets sober, he feels guilty of his actions and words when he was drunk, and he tries even harder to be nice and represses all negative aspects of him. It amazes me how someone is so capable of controlling their emotions yet has no way of regulating and resolving them...

          He didn't come with us because of his business, he's a workaholic as he needs to constantly feel validated and his determination to be successful is... admiring yet very concerning. I don't blame him for choosing work over family, because I'm the same. I want to be successful, I want to be validated, I want to be somebody. So I get it, it just sucks because he started the business the same time my mother got pregnant. It was just bad timing... But that's not the only reason, he also didn't come with us because of guilt. He didn't feel like he was a good father. He didn't know how to raise his children. He was scared, and lost, and frustrated. I used to blame him, but I don't anymore as I no longer feel like I need a "father figure" in my life. To me, he's now just a provider, a person who works his butt off and sends money to us so we can live here in Canada. I am grateful and I have so much respect for him, but unfortunately, I no longer have an emotional connection with him. And I no longer desire a "normal" relationship with him... I feel like a horrible child, and the truth is that I am. Yet what can I say ? It's been too long, I left Taiwan at the age of 9 ! And he just comes to visit once every two years, only staying about 2 weeks every time. Every time he comes, we'll spent time together and just when I feel like I'm finally getting to know him more, he leaves. I'm sorry if I seem cruel, but I'm done. I don't need this. I love him on an appreciation and respect level, but there just isn't much feelings involved. Plus, we had a rough patch as he's quite traditional and did not take me coming out as Transgender well...

          I feel bad, as I can see how much he cares for this family, how much he has sacrificed, how much effort he puts into his work to provide for us, but I really don't know what to do... Maybe our relationship will get better in future, yet I doubt it.