I Am... Selfish.

        I am many things, but being selfish is a word I've always hated. I've been told many things about how I'm a selfish person and I agree; I know what I want and sometimes I want too much. Sometimes I want to be somebody and be under the lights, I want to be or at least to be seen as fabulous. I like the applesauce and the cheers, I like the compliments even more. These "I"s can proof just how selfish I, a human can be. But, aren't we all a little selfish ? I'm not saying it's alright to be selfish and that we shouldn't try to be selfless, but aren't we have the instinct to think for ourselves ? Yes, I know what I want in life and I do whatever it takes to achieve that, but I think a human can also be caring, loving, friendly and more along with being selfish. Or at least I try to be so...

        The thing is, I've never denied for being selfish. I may have tried to defend myself or find excuses for being selfish, but deep down I know that I am a very selfish person. I do think for others and I do love others, sometimes I even care a little too much of how and what the others think. But these are all for me, that's the problem. I care of what they think is because I want them to like ME. I try to be nice to most people because I don't want them to hate ME. I'm finally starting to see the problem, but to be honest with you, I don't know how to fix the problems other than just verbalizing it. And I don't even love myself enough, that's the funny part. It's because that I don't love myself enough, so I'm even more selfish for these love and support.

        Someone told me today that one of the biggest reasons of my selfishness is because of the way I love. How I love people can be very verbal and physical (cuddling, hugging...etc). And that's not how everyone wants to be loved. Some people need breaks from me because I'm so hyper and physical. Some people even get stressed out because of my love. And it just really hurts to finally realize that my love isn't always wanted. Love should be a feeling that brings joy. I really don't want to hurt anyone with my love, but I just don't how to love anymore... I feel so grateful for my friends and family for accepting me, but I need to change.

        Can someone tell me how to love ? Because I'm not sure what love is anymore. If my love don't produce joy, can it even be described as "love" then !? I seriously don't know what to do anymore, and I just don't want to selfish. It is actually one of my most scared words to be called. It makes me question everything I'm doing in life and to people... 

        Maybe... Life is just a never ending journey towards perfection and to become a better person. 

Embracing my Femininity

        Coming out and being in high school helped me so much with embracing my sexuality and setting my feminine side free. I really believe in the concept of 'Gender Fluid', but I don't think I'm anywhere in the middle of the spectrum. I'm pretty comfortable with my male body, but I think I may be a future drag queen, because I do have a very strong feminine side to my personality and interests. 

        A little while ago, I went back into playing some of the old video games I used to play. I've always loved to play video games which I could create and customize my own characters before I came out. I always thought that I just grew out of those games, but I think it was my way of secretly expressing my feminine side as I always created my characters as females. Now I've been only playing my male characters which I was surprised to find myself enjoying. I found it interesting how these little feelings over a video game character can explain so much of what I've been through.

         I think now where I'm basically out of the closet to most people; I'm finally free. I sometimes wear normal baggy jeans with a t-shirt and converse, and sometimes heels with short-shorts and make-up. I believe that fashion is much more than what we think it is, and we can express so much through fashion. To be honest, I was having some hard time before questioning if I'm gender queer, and I just don't think it matters anymore. It took me years to finally figure out that I like men and I do not want that process again. 

        We are raised and taught with all these labels and stereotypes, but I think we will just have to throw all those things away at some point and just live our lives the way we feel it's nature for us. I take pride of being a man and I also take pride in all sides of me; both my masculine and feminine side. And hey, I would be an awesome drag queen if I really do drag in the future. But I guess, I'm already half way there by wearing heels and make-up...

Nostalgia

        Yesterday, me and the school's choir went on this little trip to Toronto for Canada's Music Fest. We did an amazing job and I'm so happy that our hard work has paid off. But you know what's one of the best things about trips like these ? The bus rides. Sometimes, we can't always focus on the destinations can we ? Because we can learn more from the process and the memories that comes from these journeys.

        Anyways, I was sitting with one of my friends on the ride back, and we were talking about music. She starting saying about how her ex-boyfriend introduced her to a lot of the songs we were listening on her ipod. We also talked about the memories of her friendship with a boy she has been liking for a long time, but things just never worked out. Then it reminded me of the memories one of my other friends talked to me about when we're were talking a walk around her neighborhood. It was about her and her ex-boyfriend's kiss on that street we were walking on. So now I begin to ask myself; what do I have to remember of ?

        I think one of the saddest things is to have no memory at all; nothing to look back to and smile or cry over. I'm not saying that getting into a bad relationship is better than nothing. But I always ask my girlfriends after they get out of a relationship, "Do you regret dating him ?", "Was it waste of time ?", and "Can you smile when you look back at those memories ?" Because I think what's really important isn't about how long it has lasted, but how much we've experienced and learned from that relationship. It's okay to cry, laugh or even feel embarrassed for these memories; at least we're feeling something. Emotions are one of the most beautiful things we living things own, and we should appreciate them more. 

        And as for me, I think I'm slowly starting to finally understand the fact that the person I have feelings for will never fall for me... That's okay; I mean, what am I expecting anyways ? The more I talk to him and the more I know him just makes everything more real. But the realistic life isn't always the sweetest is it ? 

A Mother (Poem)

She is strong,

as I've seen her broke down and stand back up.

She is caring,

as I've been lucky to be under her care.
She is intelligent,

as her knowledge has made me who I am today.

She is colourful,

as her stories and life experiences inspire me.

She is blue,

as I know the reason of her of sadness is me.
She is happy,
as I believe that she deserves all of the happiness in the world.

She is brave,

as I've seen her facing and survived her toughest times.

She is loving,
as her touches and words give me the meaning of life.

She is a daughter, 
a wife,
but most importantly;
a mother.


                                                                                                                                 Leon Tsai

High School Love

        Question : Can you really fall in love at such an age like fifteen or sixteen ?

        Well, first define "fall in love". I don't think I can and neither can a lot of people to be honest. Many adults admit that they don't even understand love, so why will we teenagers should ever understand the concept of it ? The thing is, I still believe that anyone can fall in love with whatever age they're at. My point is that, we are literally born because of love; well most of us are. And life is full of love, and as kids, we were taught to love the people and the things around us. So why can't we fall in love ? I'd rather not put 'love' in such a high place with a complex definition, because after all, we all love. It's human nature ! Love itself is complex, but I think that the less complex we are, the easier love's concept will be. Love should be complicated yet simple enough at the same time. 

        It's true that we as teenagers often say things and feel things differently because of our hormones. But that should not mean that we must not know the concept of love, and the uses of it. I myself, question if I'm in love everyday. The thing is, love should have many levels and just because it may not be at a level where we can spend the rest of our lives together; that doesn't mean it's not 'love'. I guess we can never know if it's really love unless we experience it. Don't people always say that love comes to us when we're least expecting it ? I don't always agree with that saying; but what I believe in is that love is a concept decided upon the person and only us can decide if we're in love or not. We may not control what feelings we have and for whom we have them for, but at least we can set our own standards of love this way.

        I guess why people don't believe in "high school love" or "teenage love" is because of the drama and the difficult stability during our teenage years. It's correct that high school relationships usually don't last, and that many of them are just summer flings. But feelings of attraction or 'love' I guess should not be measured by an amount of time in my opinion. It really doesn't have a boundary for me. Love does what it does, and what can we do about it ? Oh and another thing, people say that what teenagers have is 'lust' not 'love'. I 100% agree that many people are confused with these 2. But I also strongly believe that they are very much connected, so it still does not mean that it can't be 'love'.

        For me, I treasure young love. I think love in it's purest and simplest form is the most beautiful love ever. So sure, I guess I do think that we can romantically love someone at this age. But because we're so young and innocent, love can really hurt and impact us. Love is powerful, and we just have to make sure we know what we're doing and what we're getting into. 

High School Relationships

        Can high school relationships be taken seriously ? Almost everyone's high school relationships aren't stable and are sometimes very complicated. But these relationships should be important because they are often people's first official relationship, sometimes even first love. Though it is very difficult to have someone with everything happening at the same time. We teenagers these days have so much to handle, maybe not all of us are able to put enough effort into a relationship at this point of our life. And to be honest, if being in a relationship stresses you out, there's something wrong with that relationship.

        I think high school is at the stage where we need to start realizing that just because you like or love a person, you don't have to make a sound or make a move about it. I have heard countless times where girls are like, "...sure I like him, but that doesn't mean I want to date him." And that's because being in a relationship is becoming more of a job and commitment to us, and many of us aren't ready to be in such commitments. And it is again difficult with some people who are just so committed into relationships way too quickly. For someone like me who craves for love, I even sometimes feel relief that I'm single. With so many things happening like French lessons, after-school clubs, writing, school exams, family situations, socializing...etc, it's great to have some time to yourself one in awhile. 

        But I have to admit that being in a relationship can be something that's so powerful and great, it saves you almost. A lot of teenagers are dealing with insecurities, depressions, substance abuses, and maybe even other family situations that we never hear about. And I've heard many girls telling me how great and helpful being in a good, healthy relationship is. Even though high school relationships aren't always love, we often see and feel them as love. And love is so powerful that it helps us to be stronger.

        Well, but love can also be used to hurt the other person in the relationship, and love makes us do stupid things... So it still has two sides to it. I guess there's just never a right or wrong answer to 'love' eh ? But I think we teenagers should still go ahead and let our feelings run wild. We are young and some of us just need to be free, not just to have the freedom to be ourselves, but also the freedom to love and be loved.