Blossom.

"and here you are living,

despite it all"

- Rupi Kaur

          I was a dying Butterfly, and then a crying Mermaid, but now... 

          I'm a Flower, a Golden Flower blossoming in an eternal Spring.

          I once admitted that I hated the colour yellow because I felt ashamed and alienated to be a person of colour, to be an Asian immigrant. I wanted to belong, to fit in, to be accepted. I dreamed of drowning myself in bleach, and I desperately cut off my mother tongue, replacing the words of Chinese with English and French. Yet lately, not only have I come in terms with my gender identity, I have also really tried to reclaim my identity of being a person of colour. I have been learning to accept and embrace my beautiful Asian self and it's been quite a journey. I have not only blossomed as an Activist, but also as an individual that's finally starting to embrace myself as a whole. And you see, when I finally accept myself, the colour yellow no longer represents me. It can no longer defines me. It's a stereotype, a box to keep people in, and I've finally set myself free. The hue was there for me to embrace, a symbol for me to overcome an internal denial. I'm now different, better, I'm at a better place with myself. I'm now... Golden.

"the world gives you so much pain,

and here you are making gold out of it"

- Rupi Kaur

          This Blog will grow with me, and evolves along with my experiences. I am not afraid to change, yet the question is always, what am I losing ? Am I able to afford for such changes. I've lost people for Blooming. I've lost people for becoming Gold. Yet the women we wish to embrace and be will always cost us something, because that's how life is. And sometimes there's nothing we can do, because other people's thoughts and actions are not something we can control. At this point, I've really given up, on consistently having to defend and fight for myself in these relationships. People have always been seeing me as "the enemy", "the villain", and I am no longer able to carry this guilt with me anymore, not when it doesn't feel like I've deserved it. Maybe, if they can't understand me now, they will never. Maybe I am speaking clearly, and explaining myself logically. Maybe they're the ones with their ears closed and eyes shut. Maybe, it's time... to let go.

I’ve made Mountains with my Curves,

Rivers with my Folds, and

Flowers with my Scars.

It’s the Blossom,

of an Eternal Spring.

Why I Hate Men.

Trigger Warning: Transphobia & Violence Against Trans Women.

          Why do I hate men ? Well... I don't, but I do.

          I don't "hate" men, I think the right word should be "fear". Yet when we fear something, we tend to showcase actions that can be linked to hatred. And I don't really "fear" men either, what I really fear is... masculinity. Why ? Well because in our society, masculinity can very easily become toxic, fragile, and egotistical. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was bullied. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was assaulted. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I am still not seen as a real woman. It is because of this toxic masculinity, that I'm consistently shamed for accepting, embracing, and expressing the femininity within me. Do note that I am not the only victim here, men are also being pressured and influenced negatively because of this. Yet often, it seems like men think that I've betrayed them or that I'm "the enemy", because of the fact that I was born with a penis but I still am embracing my womanhood with such pride.

          Yet it's not just about them, it's about me too. Because of my experiences with men in the past, I am always putting up a front of defensive mechanisms to protect myself. It's difficult for me to trust men, to allow my vulnerability to show. I sometimes rather to be seen as a bitch then to let them know about my traumas and pains. I know that it's not healthy and that I've got so much of issues myself that I can't blame just men in general for them not knowing how to approach or befriend me. But trust me, I'm working on it...

          My Father, was an alcoholic, he used alcohol to let out his demons, his anger, his disappointments. He is now afraid to visit us, out of guilt...
          My Brother, learning from my Father, is still learning how to control his anger. He is still recovering from the destruction that he has caused within himself. Yet just not that long ago, I was the victim of his violence and abuse...
          My Bullies, they still haunt me til this day, they are the voices inside me, convincing myself that I'll never be worthy enough to be loved...
          My Crushes, are boys who may never see me as a woman, but a friend-accessory of girls they'll like to kiss, date, and fuck. They have me question myself every night, ain't I a woman enough ?! Why am I not enough to be loved, by them ?

          I still have yet to receive respect from most of my male peers. None of them has ever acknowledged my struggles, and my fight against the oppression my community faces. I don't want to be respected as an authority, nor do I consider myself an "inspiration" for being an Activist. The respect I seek, is of a fellow human being who's surviving and trying their best to thrive. The respect I desperately crave for, is to actually make me feel like something, someone... worthy. Maybe, it's just me, because why should they care ? Why should they respect me ? They think that I've done nothing for them. Yet, does anyone know how it feels when boys only acknowledge my existence when I'm standing beside a Cisgender woman ? I see boys who will say hi and be friendly with almost everybody, calling other boys "bros", and try to flirt with the other Cisgender girls. Yet I am alienated, because of my lack of masculinity, and my lack of "female sexuality".

          What people don't understand, is the difficulty for trans women to feel comfortable and safe around men. It is not just me, because it happens to other trans women as well. We have been bullied, assaulted, and harassed for such a long time, just because we've gained courage to finally reject the masculinity we've been assigned to accept. Trans women have been getting sexually assaulted and murdered every year by mostly men. (In 2015, out of all the murders of Trans women, only one killer was a female.) Men fear us. They fear me, as I poke through their lies, their "charms", their privileges, revealing their insecurities and fragility. I may be a woman, but I am loud, strong, and powerful. I call them out when they make mistakes. I let them know when they're wrong, and I'm not afraid to call out big topics like Racism, Homophobia, Transphobia, Ableism...etc. I've had to witness countless men being "offended" when they get called out, getting defensive, calling me a bitch...etc.

"Trans women have relinquished masculinity, showing that it can be, and that is, very threatening to a man who wants to see his power as an intrinsic feature of who he is."

- Judith Bitler

          Yet as a Feminist and an Advocate, this may be the price that I'll have to pay. Maybe I'll just need to accept that I won't be liked as much, that I'll be labeled as a "Bitch", that I'll be hated and disliked by many men, even when I fear them myself. All I'm asking for is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T !!!

(Reading for You if You wanna furthermore look into the Social Issue !)
Why Do Men Kill Trans Women? Gender Theorist Judith Butler Explains
Masculinity is Killing Trans Women
Why Are So Many Trans Women of Color Murdered Every Year?
Why I'm Afraid to Look at Men

13 Reasons Why It's Problematic.

Trigger Warning: Talk of Self-Harm and Suicide.

          Many of us have probably watched or know of this trendy and viral Netflix series "13 Reasons Why". Yet most of us are still denying and looking past the dangerous and problematic ways of how the series spreads it's message. So, let's talk about it.

          Now, I have personally watched the series, and I have to admit that it is very well-done artistically and as a successful TV series for people to binge on. And I also do applaud for the directors, producers, actors, writers...etc to be all trying their best to spread such an important message and trying to bring awareness to issues like bullying, sexual assault, sexism, rape, self-harm, and suicide. It is true that the show has started many conversations, bring the spotlight and the awareness needed for these issues. Yet, the series could have done better, because if we're gonna talk about these issues, let's do it right. So let's begin, with my few reasons (there aren't 13, I just titled it like that because I wanted to include the series' name, sorry !) why it's problematic.

1. Lack of Trigger Warnings:

Yes, they did give out a general trigger warning before those episodes that are more explicit and graphic, yet it's not enough. People are triggered by all sorts of different things on different levels, giving out general statements of "oh by the way, you may get triggered" but not letting the audience know of the possible topics and triggers ahead is not enough.

2. "The Revenge Fantasy"

Hannah dies by suicide and leaves 13 tapes of her reasons why, blaming and accusing of those who have bullied and assaulted her. The show is portraying the idea of "suicide" as a revenge plot, trying to place guilt onto those whom may have contributed to one's decision to take their own life. Though I do not want to generally criticize those who may believe in such action because everyone has been through different situations that may have caused them to be suicidal with such intent, but I have to say that this does contribute to the stigma against suicide. When I was in therapy for being suicidal, I was asked if I self-harmed to feel, or to die. Well, in Hannah's case, it seemed almost that she died by suicide to make the others feel...

3. The Exploitation of Suicide

The series exploits suicide, which is a serious issue that we should all be more aware of. The producers have been exposed in which that they did do research and went to the experts and scholars of suicide prevention and have done everything they were told not to do and show. The graphic scenes of Hannah's suicide in the second last or last episode is very triggering and dangerous for the audience. Many schools have even reported their concerns as some students are influenced negatively and started to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Also, the original ending in the book has Hannah attempting to die by suicide by an overdose, yet was saved after being rushed to the hospital. The directors have explained in interviews that they changed the ending to make it more of an impact, to really make the audience "get it". So... dramatizing and exploiting the graphic and rawness of suicide to make the show's ending more jaw-dropping ? And people who are fans of the show applaud for such dramatic ending, saying that they're brave for showing how "real" suicide is. Well, overdosing is also an extremely common and real way of many suicidal attempts, not to mention - it's how the story was originally meant to be told.

4. Romanticizing & Glorifying Suicide

Maybe the show didn't techniquely romanticize or glorify suicide (debatable), but I've already started seeing merchandising of the series like people making and selling necklaces with little tapes...etc. How about we don't make fashionable accessories out of a symbolic suicide note ? How about we don't sell merchandising for this show because it's quite insensitive and controversial ? Okay, if even there is merchandising, why can't it be like a little self-help book or something to actually prevent suicide or help those who are impacted by such issue ?!

5. Noninclusive Entertainment

After all, it's entertainment. It really is, and we can't deny it. Yet I do not find it problematic just because it's for entertainment, because I think it's also used as an art form to spread awareness, which is great ! What I find is not so great is how noninclusive this series is. It does not create a safe and inclusive content that is suitable for all audiences, especially not towards the audience that it should care most about. SO many people whom have dealt with sexual assault, sexual violence, suicidal attempts...etc. have all said that the show is too triggering and too much for them to watch. So if those with lived experiences can't watch it, then who's watching it ? This reminds me of how transgender roles in films are often played by cisgender actors, letting cisgender people narrate and portray stories of what they think it's like to be transgender, non-binary, queer...etc. It's problematic because then the target audience will for those who do not have lived experiences, creating more assumptions and stigmas towards the issue. In this case, most of the audience are those who are mentally stable enough to get through the series, thinking that it's the greatest series ever just because it's so impactful for them to realize how hard it can be for those who are bullied, assaulted, or are suicidal. I think that in the entertainment and media industries, we really need to start letting those with lived experiences to create the content that will be inclusive and for those with lived experiences. Example, Beyonce releasing "Lemonade" as a tribute FOR black people especially black women and remember how many white people just didn't get it ? Yeah.

6. Where's The Hope ?

Where was the hope in the series ? Where was the hope that people with such experiences need ? Where was information of how to get help or to seek support ? Where in the series is it actually helping those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and tendencies ? Why is it just showcasing and using the rawness and the pain to make people "realize" things ?!

          Again, I have watched the show and was extremely triggered by it and impacted negatively, so I do think that it's important for us to realize how problematic the series can be. Yet I do applaud for the show's success artistically and it's attempt to spread awareness. I am personally very impressed and happy with the show's diversity in regards of race and sexuality. Though it is definitely not a show that everyone needs to watch, because not everyone can watch it. Also, there has been such a controversial debate over this, and maybe you've watched it and loved it, maybe you didn't get impacted negatively, and that's great for you. What I'm trying to say is that there are people who have been hurt by this show's careless portrayal of such sensitive topic and it does go against suicide prevention experts' research and recommendations. So... stop saying that we're just hating on the show, because we're not. All I want is for people to really think about what they're doing before handling such issue and not deny the problematic ways of this show. I hope that if there's anyone seeking for help, that they have someone to go to and receive the right support that they need. Please reach out to a close-one, a professional, a counselor, or call a Suicidal/Distress/Crisis helpline.

Moving On... Part III: Forgiveness.

          It is Time now, to Forgive Myself, to Forgive You, to Forgive the World...

          It is Time now, to Move On.

          It's not in my control if you ever forgive me for the things I've done, but I have to forgive myself. I know myself and I would never do anything to purposely hurt someone. We all have reasons behind our actions, and mine was to go into war with my mental health. The forces of my past attacked me and I had to face my long-denied mental illnesses. I didn't want to, but I had to. I was sinking with my unhappiness and I was not okay. I needed those around me to understand, but no one could. I needed those around me to know how to love and care for me, but it was too difficult. So I went into war alone, with myself. The war not only affected me, but those around me as well. I apologize, but I have to move on and forgive myself. I can't drown myself in guilt, I can't do this to myself anymore...

          I forgive you, for not being able to be there. I forgive you, for not understanding. I forgive you, for not knowing how to love me. They weren't your faults, and I don't blame you for your absence, yet you could've done better, so could have I. We all have faults, and I forgive you for yours. Consciously, I will never admit it even if I do blame you. Yet I will state that I forgive you just in case I do have any grudge against you subconsciously. I'm also trying to balance out my thoughts, because as willing as I am to point out my mistakes and flaws, I feel like I should be able to understand that I'm not the only one who makes mistakes and have flaws. You may not see your faults, or be sorry at all, but I forgive you.

          I try to forgive the world, as it is so cruel. Sometimes, things happen not because of me, or because of you. Sometimes the world is just not working in our favors. Sometimes, beautiful things can be ruined simply by the wrong timing. And sometimes, we could've been just not ready enough for each other's love. We're too young, too immature. Maybe, just maybe, that we will find each other's embrace again in the future. I sure do hope so... because I love you. I will always love you.

          Forgiveness is not letting go, it's moving on. I will never let go, because I care and love too much, too deeply. Yet I must move on, for my own sanity and well-being.

Moving On... Part II: Thank You.

          I'm Sorry, but also... Thank You.

          Thank You for loving me, and letting me love you in the ways I could. Really, thank you for that. It was an honour being loved by you, and it was a privilege loving you.

          I sank, and drowned. You started sinking with me, because of me, and you let go. I don't blame you, because it was scary. It wasn't easy, and it was too much. We expected too much out of each other. We loved too hard, and we held too tight. You chose to leave, for a breath. You chose to leave, because I wasn't always worth it. I understand, I really do. Yet now, when I'm finally back on the surface, when I have finally survived, you're already gone. And... I'm alone, again.

          You loved me for as much and as long as you could, and I'm grateful for that. You also have allowed me to love you in the ways that I could, and I'm also very grateful for that. 

          I love you, so much that I wanted to love myself too... 

          Thank You, so much.

Moving On... Part I: I'm Sorry.

          We try to Escape from Time, yet It always Catches On...

          I try to preserve our memories, locking those memories, those feelings in that time frame. The truth is, I don't want to move on, I still wish there to be an 'us'. I know that some will not offer any sympathy, because people think that I'm the one who have destroyed us. Yet, did I really ?

          I'm sorry, that I wasn't always a good friend. I'm sorry, that my mental health affected my ways of communicating, caring, and loving. I'm sorry, that my Depression swallowed me. I'm sorry, that my Anxiety struggled me. I'm sorry, that I wasn't able to make you laugh anymore. I'm sorry, that loving me became such a burden. I'm sorry, that you weren't happy.

          If I'm able to defend myself at all, I can admit that I'm the on who've ended us, but I wasn't the one who ruined us. No one ruined us, not you, not me. We were just... breaking. And it feels as though that I ended it because I wanted it to be me, and not you. It wasn't smart, as my action has costed me not only you, but everyone else. Yet, all I did was spoken my truth, my hurting, and my feelings. It was never meant to attack you, but it did the damage. Maybe, subconsciously, it was out of selfishness, forcing myself to leave you before you can leave me. I'm sorry, for hurting you, for leaving you. And trust me, the world is punishing me enough for you.

          I'm sorry for all the pain that you've felt. I'm sorry for all the tears that you've shed. I am sorry, that if loving me seemed like a mistake. 

          I am truly sorry, you deserved more, you deserved better... 

          You Deserve Everything. 

University of Toronto

          So most people will know that I have been accepted to London College of Fashion, in London, England. It is one of the top 10 best Fashion Institutes in the world, and it was an honour to be given an offer right after my interview back in November. Yet only some knows about my offer from University of Toronto for Gender & Women's Studies. Most people only paid attention to my announcement for London College of Fashion because it's an opportunity to study aboard, it's exciting, and people think that fashion is my ultimate dream. And it was my ultimate dream, but things change... I have officially accepted my offer to study at University of Toronto.

          I find that it's interesting because most people react much more dramatically than me, honestly I'm still processing. I definitely am disappointed, and it would've been great to study Fashion in the UK, but it's just not financially possible. My parents have been trying their best and it's just not fair for me to put any more financial stress on their shoulders. People then asked, why didn't I apply for Fashion program in Canada ? Ryerson University in Toronto is known for the best Fashion education in Canada, ranking not top 10 in world, but definitely in top 20s. The thing is, I started my application, and there wasn't an interview, there was an essay. The essay asked me to write about an issue in the Fashion industry that I am passionate about. See, the problem isn't that I can't write an essay, or that I don't have enough knowledge or content to write about, it's the fact that I realized the lack of passion I have for Fashion. I stared at the blank Google doc for about 3 days and told my mom that I just can't. If I were in an interview, I could talk about Fashion all I want. Yet writing is much more personal and intimate for me, I can't lie to myself. I had a realization, that I wasn't even that excited about the Fashion program in England, I was more excited about the travelling, the studying abroad fantasy. That is my dream, to be independent in a vibrant, big stylish city, and I'll get there. I'll definitely save up to travel across Europe after my studies. Fashion is something I'm really good at, something that I've been practicing for years since I was like five years old. It's comfortable, it comes easy to me, yet it's not my dream anymore. That's the truth, and I've been afraid to admit it because I feel like my years were wasted, that I'm betraying my talent and skills. I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I'm not the best student, I'm not the best essay-writer, I'm not a fast reader, and it's difficult also because English is my second language. So I thought that going to University for academics was going to be too stressful and not a path I should go on. Yet it's not fair, for me to take a spot in one of the best Fashion Colleges in the world, and to make my parents spend this money when I don't have the passion to strive in this field. So, here we are. University of Toronto it is.

          And guess what !? I'm so passionate about Women & Gender studies, I'm already volunteering as an activist/advocate for Women and LGBTQ+ rights and visibility. This is something that I've been writing all my essays and projects on in school. Maybe I'm not the best writer, but when it's a topic in this field, I can type thousands of words. I have so much to say, so much to share and contribute when it comes to this study. I want to learn, and it excites me to look into the Feminist philosophy, or academic studies of Gender & Sexuality. It isn't going to be easy, and I'm definitely not in whole other country or anything, but it's good for now. It's something I can live with, happily. Also, I want to be a writer ! Well, I want to make my activism and public education into a career, but I also want to be a writer, of poems or publishing a personal memoir or something. I know it's yet another big dream, but at least I've got something.

          It'll be an exciting new chapter in my life when Fall comes, and I'll be ready. I've got so much to learn, and so much to do. Yay Education !

It's Complicated.

          Friendships are... Complicated. Or, are they really ?

          It can also be very simple. After all, they're all just decisions.

          I've been to weekly therapy for months now, and when I'm asked to fill out a sheet of how I'm feeling, the answers depend week-to-week. Yet I always, every single week, tick the "lonely" box. Yes, even when I'm happy. See, isn't it kind of more sad, that now even when I'm happy and stable with my mental health, I have no one to share it with ?

          It's difficult to love myself, when it feels like no one else could. It's difficult to know how to survive, when it feels like no one is fighting for me. I'm no longer part of their happiness, I no longer make them happy... Did I ever ? I'm not needed or wanted anymore, and it really just hurts. I try to be classy, I try to fake a smile. You ask me to speak, but what am I suppose to say ? I want to cry, trust me I do. I want to beg you to stay, but I can't. I shouldn't. For you have made your decision, and you have admitted that your happiness no longer includes me. I'm not someone you come to when you want to share something funny or exciting, I'm not the shoulder you come to when you need a good cry. I'm not the person you think of when you have a gossip to share, and I'm not the person you need when you want company. Yet here we are, still... friends ? It's complicated.

          "You can't make Homes out of Human Beings." - Warsan Shire

          That was my fault, I apologize. I was homeless, desperate for shelter, craving for love, for attention, for care, for something, anything. I've made homes out of you all, I've been too comfortable. I've been too dependent, too open, too honest, too defenseless. I'm sorry, that I became such a burden. Here I am, alone. I want to cry, I want to scream. I want to turn my disappointments into anger. I want to blame it on the world. I want to fly, far far away. I want to start over.

          Why ? It feels unfair. 

          Why do you all leave me ? I want you to stay. 

          What did I do wrong ? I'm sorry.

          Please, I can change... 

          I was there for her when he broke up with her on the phone, staying over at her house for a whole weekend, leaving my family behind even though my dad came to visit from the other side of the world. I was there for you when you had an anxiety attack every night because you thought you were pregnant, I bought you a pregnancy test, and I helped you get over the nightmare. I was there when you and the others questioned your sexuality. I was there when you flirted with him. I was there when you needed a dress to go on a date. I was there when you two broke up. I was there when the others defended him but I believed in you. I was there for you. I was there for her. I was there for them. I'm not perfect. I'm not a great friend, nor am I a good person. Yet I really, desperately tried to be as loving and caring as I could. I was never taught how to love, as my mother never held me and as my father never was there at all. I love you all so much, so much that I wanted to love myself too...

          People will say that I've changed the most, but in all honesty, I've changed the least. I've came out of the closet, I've changed my hair, the ways I dress...etc. But I'm still the insecure, annoying, funny, loud Leon that I were, just trying to survive. You all have changed, so much. My therapist said that I have an "old soul", I'm too mature, that I've probably just outgrown you guys. Yet maybe, you guys are the ones who have outgrown me. 

          I was there for you all, I tried to be there. I wanted to be there, I liked being there. I wanted to give you guys my all, my everything. I want to love, I want to care. Was it not enough ? Was it something I did ? I'm really sorry if I was too clingy or annoying. I can change. I will change. But it's all too late. Isn't it ? You guys have moved on. You all have other friends, you all have each other. I guess, all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you guys in the ways that I could. I apologize, if I loved wrongly. I'm sorry, if I can't make you guys laugh anymore.

          I'm Sorry...