How It All Started : Canada

        After Malaysia, we went back to Taiwan, and we stayed there for about a month before moving to Canada. It was a big process, so we had to go back to deal with the immigration paperwork. I remember not having a lot of knowledge of what was going on. I was quite happy I wasn't going to school for a whole month and just chill in the city. When we first arrived in Canada, we lived in a motel for about a month because we had to take some time to figure out school stuff and finding a house, car...etc. So for the first few days of school, I still lived in that motel room every night. My dad came with us, my mom convinced him to try living with his family and let go of his work for a little, and it was like an exciting adventure for me to go across the globe with my whole family this time. 

        Me being in Canada has one of the best and happiest memories and one of the saddest. In grade seven, my first year of school here, I was desperately trying to fit in because of what happened to me in Malaysia. Somehow, I started hanging out with this group of boys who were "popular", and it was't that bad. Teenage boys are just dumb sometimes. Somehow playing video games, shop lifting, and doing dangerous stunts were fun... but just so you know, I only joined in the legal stuff. It wasn't that bad because I had a chance to exercise a little by hanging out with those boys. They weren't the nicest people and they do make offensive and rude comments or "jokes" as they claimed. I started making friends with other girls in the school and teenage girls were just too smart to believe that I'm just another straight teenage boy. I insisted that I wasn't gay, and claimed to have a "crush" on this girl.

        My dad had not been enjoying his time here in Canada. He wasn't happy without his job, and he almost seemed like he lost his light and his purpose in life. Back in Taiwan, he had his business and his success. Here, he couldn't do anything because he doesn't know English, and he doesn't know how to deal with me and my brother since we've been apart for so long. So after a year or so, he went back to Taiwan. In grade eight, I became friends with these three girls that helped me come out of the closet. The guys weren't nice to them, and they once told me that these girls were trying to turn me "gay". They made lots of rude comments about them to me behind their back. People say it was bullying, but I've always believe it was just teenage boys being teenage boys. It was nothing compared to what I've experienced, but that drama somehow got to me. I was way more sensitive and sad than before. I was now a victim of bullying and believe me, I never wanted to label these guys as bullies, but things got out of hand and it was just a lot of drama. Then I came out, and I admitted to myself that it's fact that the girls were nicer friends than the guys. I never liked those video games anyway. I only liked it a little because some of the characters looked pretty. 

        Anyway, it was a lot to take in, and so much happened in those two little years. When it was time for me to leave for high school, I decided that I needed to go to a high school that not many people were going to, and I chose the school with the amazing arts' program. Who I was and who I could become was becoming so much more clear. Canada has given me the freedom of being who I am and loving who I am, and that is something I could not appreciate more. So, I auditioned into E.C.I. and we all know what happened next...

Editor: A.B.

How It All Started : Malaysia

        We arrived in Malaysia, and we lived in Kuala Lumpur, which is the capital city of Malaysia. Malaysia is a beautiful country, but the safety there isn't the greatest, and that's why we lived in the city. We were told to never go into dark alleys with no street lights. I read some of the news on their local newspapers when I first got there and that was when I first understood what "rape" is... but don't get me wrong, there will always be bad people wherever you go and Malaysia is one of the most green and beautiful places I've ever been to. Malaysia is also a tropical country like Singapore and it's forests, resorts, beaches, and wild life animals are amazing. 

        We continued going to church every week, and we found a really friendly church. The church helped to introduce us to a lot of people and my mom made a lot of friends. She had a very busy social life and she was very happy. Her friends were always there for her and she dressed up everyday for going out and church worship. I was loving her heels and clothes, and now I can understand why I loved fashion in the first place.

        Me and my brother started school there and I got into grade six. I completed grade four in Singapore and I basically skipped a grade. Being in that school was a living hell and I was not happy there. I was badly bullied by all the boys in my class, and they were nothing but violent. Since none of the boys liked me. I made friends with the girls, but that did not make my life easier. The boys there started calling me names like "faggot" and "fatty". That was when I started to learn about the "beauty standards" in our society and started to see just how cruel six graders can be. The girls there thought I was gay too and made several nasty comments behind my back, but I kept being friends with them because I needed friends. Telling on bullies and asking teachers for help didn't do me any good, so at some point, I just stopped trying. I only loved my life during the weekends because my church friends were the only nice and supportive people I knew. Sure, Malaysia wasn't the best time for me and basically crushed my confidence and self-appreciation, but my experience in Malaysia also introduced me to the word and concept of "gay". I mean, I knew all my life that I was different and I never really liked girls in that way, but I never knew it was possible for two men to fall in love. Now I actually want to thank the boys who bullied me for calling me "gay", because I Googled the word when I got home and learned the definition of who I really am.

        After about a year, when me and my brother finished a grade in Malaysia, we achieved what we came here for, and we were ready to leave and go back to Taiwan to do some immigration paperwork and prepare for Canada. I loved Malaysia, I really did. The boys in my school did their best to be assholes and the girls did their best to be nice or at least pretend, but I still made it through and still didn't lose myself. I never looked at myself as a victim of bullying back then. I just wanted to prove that I can still be successful and happy without them. I felt bad for my brother and my mother though, because they really made a lot of good friends in Malaysia, and I could understand why I was the only one ready to leave...

Editor: A.B.

How It All Started : Singapore Part 3

        I remember that it was about after I finished grade two in Singapore when I got back with my mom and brother. As I said, I worked really hard and skipped grade three, and I don't really remember when exactly, but I finally went to live with my mom and my brother. It was nice that I could be an annoying clingy child again. It's fine wanting kids to grow up, but making them live with other strangers and not able to visit you is not the best idea. Anyway, me and my brother were still not getting along, but it did not bother me that much back then. I would usually just hang out with that house owner woman's daughters and her friends since those were the people I met first when I got to Singapore. Everyone was nice in school and I was a good student, but I didn't often hang out with people after school or anything. 

        The education in Singapore is strict. It's a lot about discipline, so most students are good students. I know I describe it like it's a scary hell and the teachers there are devils or something, but it's actually not that bad. If you grew up there, you won't feel like it's anything too strict or scary because that's how you were raised. I don't know if they still do, but when I was there, I remember a kid getting corporal punishment for doing something wrong, nothing major, just the palms. That's okay because many countries' schools do not discourage corporal punishment. It's just the high expectations they have for students that can drive people insane. I didn't like it at all. I did fine in school, and I tried because I feared failing and being not successful. They basically train kids to be perfect even at a young age. Putting kids in classes arranged in their overall marks and yelling out kids' grades for everyone just scares me, but who am I to say anything, since Singapore's education system does promise success and it's a free country. You're welcome to leave or to just not care about grades. People who can graduate their universities have the potential of many successful careers and a stable income. 

        Anyhow, I didn't hate or love my days in Singapore. It was what it was. My mother started going to English lessons. Even Singapore does not teach the most standard English and pronunciations. It was still a nice little two years to let me and my family get started on the language. Us three also got baptized and started going to church there. Most families were Buddhists in Taiwan, and even though we practiced the simple traditions of Buddhism, we felt more drawn to Christianity. It was also a time when my mother was just getting used to not having a career and being a full-time mother, so she needed that support and faith. I was grateful we found God, and our faith helped us through some difficult times. Honestly, I don't know how my mom did it. I remember she was taking care of so many things. She even made me and my brother sleep with her every night to save electricity bills, because Singapore is summer-time all year long and there's one air conditioner in each room. She even had to help my dad's business in Taiwan through Skype when my dad got too busy. 

        In the end, we left Singapore because of the academic pressure was getting heavier and heavier, and it wasn't easy for us, especially since we just started to learn English. Also, there is a massive examination for all six graders that is very very important, and my brother, who was older, was getting closer to the sixth grade, and my mother thought that it would be too much pressure for him. So, we decided to move to somewhere in North America, but the problem was... schools in North America let students continue the grades based on what they had completed in their last country, and because of Singapore's standards, they made me and my brother retake and drop grades. So if we move right away from Singapore, we would not be able to go to the grades of our age. That is why we decided to move to our next destination, Malaysia. 

Editor: A.B.

How It All Started : Singapore Part 2

        I was doing pretty well in school, and even though I finished grade two in Taiwan, they wanted me to retake grade two because of my English skills. It was okay because after grade two, I asked if I could jumped to grade four, and they made me do the grade three exams and they said yes after seeing my marks. I never knew what I got for those exams, but I guess I did pretty good. In each grade, there are seven classes, and from class one to class seven is the range of the abilities of each student. I was put into class three for both grade two and four which means my marks were pretty good. Now as I look back, it was cruel for them to do that. Imagine getting to be put in the class seven and they let you know what it means. They also read out everyone's test scores in classes. It was all about success in Singapore and that's when I first became so obsessed with perfection...

        Soon after me and my brother started school, my mother moved out. She found another apartment not far away, and she took my brother. She said it was to give me time to grow up and be more independent, but now as I'm looking back, it may be because of my brother. My brother fought with me almost everyday and he obviously needed some time with my mother and to let my mother prove that she doesn't love me more. I didn't like that very much and I tried to visit her after school, but the owner woman would yelled at me because she wanted me to be more independent too. The owner woman is nice, but very strict, she was never happy with my marks because she said she knew I could do better. I tried my best in school, but it seemed like I wasn't good enough because the school wanted me to stay after school until six pm every Wednesday to exercise since I was overweight. I was eleven and I used to eat whenever I felt down or upset, especially when my brother bullied me. Sweets and food were my best friends, but I knew that wasn't good and I joined the volleyball club. I still ate a lot but I guess I was more healthy because I exercise. Then I quit volley ball after a while, and I don't remember why, but it's weird because I remember loving it.

        Not living with my mother made me really sad. I remember going to her place and knocking on her door and hoping she's home everyday, and I couldn't wait long because then the owner woman would know I went to see my mom. I remember making up bed-time stories for myself every night when I went to sleep, and I always had about 20 stuff animals around when I slept. I missed my mom and I didn't understand why she would do that to me. I guess that must have been what my brother felt like. 

        The desire of perfection grew in me, and I remember failing tests because I would leave blanks in my tests. I would refuse to put down answers that may be wrong, and I was afraid to make mistakes. Somehow, I preferred the big 0 over the Xs. I remember believing that if I couldn't do something right, I rather not do it at all. I eventually made myself start answering every question because I also wanted to stay in class three. 

Editor: A.B.

        

How It All Started : Singapore Part 1

        My mother brought me and my brother to Singapore for a better education and living environment. Singapore is one of the cleanest countries in the world due to it's very strict laws and nice people. If things haven't changed from back then, I remember that littering, spiting, or chewing gums can make you pay hundreds of dollars in fines. The fines there aren't cheap, and the laws there are strict. Singapore's weather is very hot, and it's summer all year long. It makes you feel like it's a summer vacation, especially because Singapore is so small. You can go to the beach every week by taking the subways. Just so you know how small this country is, Singapore's capital city is Singapore... 

        When my family and I first moved to Singapore, we lived in a woman's house. She owned a pretty big house, so she accepted students from other countries and took care of them. Us three lived in a small room together and I remembered not having a lot of space. It was awkward because if us three had a fight, everyone in that house would know and hear everything we said. It wasn't the best way to live, but family was all we had and we relied on each other. For the first few weeks, I started English private lessons and went to a learning center call "Kumon". On my own time, the owner woman would make me do English exams that different schools used in the past years, and the schools pick their students for all grades. So I went to several schools and got examined to see if my level met their standards. Finally, I got into one of the schools and the one that accepted me was very well-reviewed. My mother was proud of me, and I was happy. 

        The school that accepted me was not very near, so I had to take a public bus every morning for about 30-45 minutes to go to school. I would say I was a brave kid for doing that everyday at the age of ten, but it also showed how safe Singapore is. It's strange how eager I seemed to try to learn English. I didn't hate going to English lessons and doing exams on my own time at all. I remembered getting to eat ice cream after I finish my homework and those exams. I guess it was too easy to make me happy. 

        My brother still had anger problems and it wasn't okay. He was still angry at my parents for basically abandoning him, and he would take it out on me since my parents did spoil me. He would beat me up and be not a nice brother. I was scared of him back then, and tried not to make him upset. Because of how he acted, I went from the evil spoiled child to a kid who was scared of everything and was desperate for friends and family love. I started to care if people liked me or not, and started to wonder if I'm liked by others or not. The thing is, people saw me as a victim because my brother bullied me, but I always knew he became like that because of me, and I started feeling bad and responsible. Singapore was a big step up for my life because it humanized me. 

Editor: A.B.

        

How It All Started : Taiwan Part 2

        After what happened, my parents started planning to send my brother to be an international student in Singapore. It was a great idea because Singapore has one of the best educations in the whole world, and it is a beautiful country. It is a clean and safe environment for kids, but my parents made a mistake of thinking a grade four student could do that alone. They went with my brother to drop him off, and came back without him. After a few weeks or months, things got worse. He started becoming sad and angry, and started to skip school. He felt like my parents didn't want him anymore and that he was abandoned. I can't blame him, the reason him and I always fought and he beat me up back then was because of how he felt. My parents loved us, but I was always the healthy and happy one who others liked more. My father also spoiled me because I am the youngest one. Of course there are good memories of me and my family too ! I don't want this to seem too depressing, but don't painful memories stick with you the most ? We are a loving family most of the times. My dad would bring my brother with him to play golf, and me and my mom would go to the mall on weekends. Me and my brother just never got along. We are extremely different and we value different things.

        In Asia, physical punishment is very normal and common. So, my father hit my brother a lot whenever my brother did something wrong or didn't take care of me, and I was an evil child. I used that power in a wrong way. Because my parents were busy, they expect my brother to take care of me, and whenever I want something from my brother, I got it. If he didn't give me the candies I wanted or if he didn't let me watch the TV channel I wanted, I would cry and scream and lie that he was bullying me, and then he would get hit by a stick or a belt as a punishment. Of course I get beat too, but not as much as him, and for legit reasons. Those were my dark times. I never knew what I was doing to my brother. I just wanted what I wanted...

        Anyway, my parents were fighting a lot, and I remember that my mother would cry every time after she called my brother because my brother didn't talk to her. So my mother made a decision of going to Singapore and getting my brother back. My mother took me and it was like a vacation for me, so I was happy, but soon after we came back, my mother and my father talked more and they asked me if I wanted to go study in Singapore. I said I didn't care or yes or whatever, but I knew I didn't say no. So my mother decided to take me and brother to go live in Singapore. My mother knew she couldn't take it anymore with the business, and she couldn't just take me. She told me that she remembered me crying a lot when my brother was in Singapore because my parents focused a lot on my brother's problems and I asked her, "do I have to be a bad kid for you guys to care about me ?" I know it was selfish of me, but me and brother both didn't get a lot of time with our parents because of their career.

        So yeah, my mother made the decision of leaving her business, her husband, her family, and her friends to take care of me and my brother in Singapore. That was a big problem for her marriage, because a long distant relationship is difficult, but she was a brave and intelligent woman who gave up a lot of things for her children. My father also had to deal with not seeing his family. It was tough, but my parents were strong, and they will always be my heroes.  

Editor: A.B.

How It All Started : Taiwan Part 1

        Yesterday I went to a church youth group with friends, and as we were singing songs, we sang one that made me have flashbacks of myself before I came to Canada. So, since I haven't been writing on this blog often lately because my lack of inspiration, I am going to write about my earlier life. Some of you may not care, but it's kinda fun for me. 

        I was born in the capital city of Taiwan called Taipei. Neither of my parents were raised in Taipei. They both came to Taipei right after high school to get a job. They met because of work, and they started a business together soon after their marriage. For people who didn't even go to college or university, they did quite well, but starting a business is difficult and risky, especially when my mom was pregnant with my brother and then me soon after. As a child, I was basically raised by several nannies, and sometimes my preschool teacher even brought me home and took care of me for a few days because how busy my parents were. My brother had severe asthma and stayed in the hospital very often back then. I remembered often rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night because of him.

        My brother was a very sick child, and he didn't have many friends. He got into fights and was caused a lot of trouble as a student. It was hard to find a teacher in school that could handle him, and I remembered that my parents made him switch to a private school. The private school was way more expensive and strict than the public school, and I don't really remember why I switched schools with him, but I was fine in a public school. Education isn't free in Taiwan, so the school switching thing only made my parents even more busy and hardworking. Things really did not get better in the private school, I assume, because things changed for us later on.

        My mother got depressed for a while because of the stress of work and dealing with me and my brother fighting all the time. I remembered that one weekend, we were going to visit my father's family and my mother wouldn't go out of the car for some reason. I didn't understand it back then, but now I can. She was stressing about work and I assumed had a fight with my father or she was mad because of me and my brother. She just didn't want to see anyone and cried in the car. My mother is a very intelligent and genuine person. She doesn't want to be fake or pretend that she's happy, and to be honest, my dad's side of the family isn't easy to deal with. My father has eight brothers and sisters. Anyway, my dad wasn't very happy with how my mom acted, because my father cares a lot of how other people see him and his family. It just wasn't a good day...

Editor: A.B.