Disney World - Goodbye 2014

      Here I am spending my last few days of 2014 in Disney World, Florida. We spent our first two days in Florida at Universal Studios. Surprisingly, I like Disney way more than Universal Studios. Don't get me wrong, I love Universal, but Disney still got to me. I tried to be mature when I first went into Disney, and I wondered about how everything was built and the annual costs of those productions, but I gave up, because I still want to scream and run towards cartoon animals and princesses. I want to believe that magic really does exist and that there are happy endings. Maybe that's the real magic of Disney, not the sparkles or the princesses, but the power to let us believe and have hope. 

       Maybe no one can be "too old" for Disney after all. Today, me and my family went to Hollywood Studios park and before we left tonight, we watched the live show "Fantasmic". During the beginning of the show, almost every adult, including adolescents like me, were holding up their phones to take pictures and videos, but after a few minutes into it, 90% of us put our phones down. I understood that there are some things that can't be captured by technology and only can be remembered by our hearts. I realized that sometimes the more we grow, the less things we understand. Those little children watching the show didn't want to record the show. They wanted to "see" the show. They wanted to experience the "magical" moment, and they did. 

      I couldn't help but wonder about the influence Disney has on people. It gives us hope, magic, fairy tales, happily ever afters, princesses, and something to believe in. It teaches us to believe that good will always win and that there are happy endings for good people. We understand these things aren't true as we grow older and older, but isn't it beautiful to think of the world in such a positive and simple way ? Maybe sometimes we do have to believe in magical things and have faith and hope in humanity. Just maybe. 

      Yes, Disney has made questionable films in the past, but they are changing and they are mostly positive and inspiring. So yeah, I hope everyone had a great year and always believes in the world and, most importantly, in yourself. I will have as much fun as possible in Florida, and my next blog piece will be in January ~ Thanks for being a part of my year of 2014, and see you next year...

Editor: A.B.

Merry Christmas 2014

      Merry Christmas !!! Tonight was great. My family and other families had a Christmas party together. We all exchanged gifts. Some people performed, and some cooked. It was just great. I performed the dance of "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé, and it went pretty well. My back-up dancers were awesome ! I got many presents and they are all nice and useful. I am a little upset, because my mom said she ordered something from Amazon.com and it never came... I will have to email them tomorrow or something. 

      Also, me and my family are going to Disney World in Florida on the 26th. We will go to Toronto tomorrow ( I guess today because it's past midnight ) and stay there for a night. By the time we come back to Canada, it will be 2015 ! I don't really know how I feel about Disney though... Yes, it's going to be great and fun, but I feel like I have out grown princesses and Disney-themed rides. Yet, I'm still excited because everyone keeps telling me about how great it is there. I guess I will find out pretty soon. 

      Anyway, aside from all the presents, parties, and vacations, I think Christmas is so great because of the little things. The family traditions, the family dinners, and the laughter, it's just so heart-warming. I'm very lucky to spend my Christmas this year with my whole family. My dad just came to Canada a few days ago to visit us. The love and care people have for each other in this season is amazing and beautiful. I think it's about hope too. I'm using this just as an example, as I'm not very religious. Christmas day was when Jesus was born, and that was one of the stories that made it what it is today. It was that hope in everyone's heart that was beautiful. It was that hope of believing that a savior had been born and a new holy life on Earth had started. 

      That's the kind of hope I can feel in some people's Christmas spirit, and I love it. I think that no matter how life is doing and how down you feel sometimes, you need times like this to believe in something great and have hope in your heart. I wish everyone a happy and fabulous winter break ~ !!! 

Editor: A.B.

      

      

Fa... (Poem)

As I come home everyday,

and strip away my clothes and accessories.

As I take off my masks,

and stand in front of the mirror.

As I stare into the reflection,

and try to feel as joyful as I did before.

What is it, that I see ?

I see flashbacks of haunting memories.

I see a weak, sad little soul,

that can be broken just with a few words.

I see me trying so hard to change that word,

that people don't say, but think in their heads.

I see me trying to replace the "t",

with "b-u-l-o-u-s".

I see me, the real me.

That I've been trying to hide.

And I ask myself. 

Am I beautiful ?

Am I fat ? Or am I fabulous ?

Is there a possibility that those three words can exist together ?

I try to make myself understand, 

that true beauty is to embrace yourself,

not to change yourself.

But what is beauty after all ?

Can someone tell me,

what is beautiful about me.

But if you don't know the real me,

how can you easily make the statement,

saying that I'm beautiful ?

Do you really know the real me ?

The me with no fashionable clothing and accessories,

to hide my flaws and imperfections.

The me not trying to make myself or others laugh,

to not think about the problems in life.

The me who doesn't call myself fabulous,

but another word everyday.

                                                                                                          Leon Tsai

Editor: A.B.

My First Time with The First Lover

      On Friday, I experienced something magical and amazing, my first time. It was painful but it was fabulous. I can't believe that I'm experiencing it this early. I was going to wait until my senior years, but then it just happened... I was very scared and some people kept telling me not to do it, but I did it because I found the perfect one and he promised me it was going to be fabulous. He looks amazing and he felt amazing too, he is black, and it's a little pointy but that's fine for me. I know some girls don't like it pointy... Honestly, it hurts so much but it's worth it. It gave me thrill, power, and confidence. 

      Okay, I meant to make that sexual... but no I did not lose my virginity on Friday. Instead, I wore my new and first pair of high heels to school. they're black, four inches high, and pointy at the front. they're perfect, high, classy, and just beautiful. I was going to buy heels later when I was about to leave high school, but plans changed. I couldn't feel my toes after awhile and had to massage my feet in math class, but it was alright. I looked fabulous. I was still learning how to walk in them but as a beginner, I thought I was pretty good. I was so excited to wear them, that I couldn't sleep on Thursday night.

      I had doubts about wearing them to school to be honest. I was scared of judgement and what people would think, but I just had to do it. I live for fashion and I believe that fashion goes beyond any stereotypes and gender expectations. So no, I am not planning to get a vagina, and I am not hating on my male body, I just simply love heels and will keep buying heels and try my best to walk in them. I was happy though because I didn't get any hate, I got a lot of compliments and a few "are you going trans..?" but it's okay. If people don't understand, they don't have to.

     This is my life and my feet, and I will live and dress the way I want to and I will rock those heels. Some people may not get it, but it's just so amazing to be in those torture devices. It makes your posture and legs look good, gives you confidence, and lets you experience what a lot of women experience everyday. Now not only do my legs look good, I feel like a queen, and I respect women even more. Just so you know, men were the ones who wore heels first back in history... 

Editor: A.B.

My Defense Mechanism

      Yesterday was the last day of school before the winter holidays, and one of my friends was on a date with her guy that just started a week ago. I actually think they will last, because they are so cute together. The guy is one of the nicest guys I have ever met, and this friend told me that he thinks I'm pretty chill. I was surprised that he doesn't hate me. I wasn't very nice to him before, but now I am because he sits with us at lunch so I have a chance to actually know him. 

      This reminded me of how I treat other guy friends. I don't have a lot of male friends, and I always say that it's because that I'm gay, but maybe that's not the only reason. I'm not very comfortable with guys, and I always keep myself at a distance between me and them. As a kid, I was bullied a lot because of my sexual orientation, and all the bullies were guys. So now whenever I have guy friends, I go into my sassy mode and not a lot of teenage guys can handle that sass. They will either think I'm rude, "too gay", or just annoying. All of my girl friends know that I'm not usually like that, and I do feel bad when my sass offends some guys, but it's my defense mechanism. 

      I know it's not good to be like this, and I should really let go of those bad memories and just move on as a happy Gaysian, but this sassy mode is also a very good method to test guys. I feel like if you can't deal with my sass, how can you deal with girls who are way more complicated ? For example, this guy who sits with us at lunch now, he not only deals with my sass, he asks me what's wrong and stuff when I'm being sassy / sad. Now that's good husband material. 

      After all, sometimes I don't even go sassy on guys. Normally I get awkward and quite. Whatever, I just wanna be done with high school boys but I can't... I just wish my friend and her new boyfriend can be happy and cute everyday. If they are happy, that's all that matters. As Carrie from SATC said, "...make your own rules for your own marriages and relationships..."

Editor: A.B.

Just Another Boy

      I still think about him, and remember I said I stopped ? Well, when I realized that I stopped thinking about him, I started again. It's like a never ending cycle. It's just so pathetic because we have absolutely no hope being together. Even if he did end up liking boys, why would it be me ? The fact that we aren't even friends, and that we don't talk to each other at all makes the chances even smaller. It just makes me so mad and stupid because it's like, what am I even doing !?

      It's not love. I would be scared if it is. There is nothing between us. There's no friendship, no conversations or common hobbies. Nothing. It just seems so pointless for me to do this to myself. Like, I don't think I understand relationships and feelings anymore, and did I ever ? Why can't I be someone who is single and happy !? I just... honestly I don't even know how I feel anymore. It's like, I want to get over him, but I don't. It can be nice to like someone, and have hopes. Still, I try to make myself busy and focus on other things, but when I see him in the hallways, it's like... EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, EVERYTHING ! I couldn't help but wonder, is he really that important in my life or is he just another boy ? Why are these feelings lasting and what am I doing to myself ?

      One of my friends is also going through boy problems and said that I need to get over him. She said we deserve better, but do I really ? Sometimes I feel like even if he's gay, bi, or pan, he wouldn't like me. What makes me someone people will want to date ? There's so many more prettier and skinnier gay boys in this high school. What do I deserve ? Maybe it is my problem after all...

      No. I can't think that. I just have to believe what my friend said and understand that I deserve to be loved. I can't go on being all sad and lonely. I will be alone and fabulous. He is just another boy. He has to be. 

Editor: A.B.

A Happy Ending

      Tonight, I was ushering at a playhouse and we got to watch the show. Their show this month is Snow White. It wasn't that bad, they did a new version of this old over-told story. As I was watching, I couldn't help but wonder about the three things most fairy tales have : love, happily ever after, and a happy ending. 

      Do happy endings exist in real life ? I doubt it. Can humans really die happy ? Does it still counts if the dead person is happy but their family and friends aren't ? Maybe relationships can end happily. I have heard of it happening, but had never seen it. Happily ever after is just some bullshit. There is no way a person can be happy forever just because of something great that happened. No matter how positive I try to be, I know I will have my lows and sad days. Maybe it can be nice to lie to yourself sometimes...

      Why is love so important in these fairy tales ? It's all about love will do this, love will do that. Love will break the curse, love will save your life, love will make wishes come true, love will give you a happy ending...etc. Sure, love can be all these things, but isn't it exhausting to think of love that way ? It's like we people always want to put so many expectations and hopes on love. I think I can understand as someone who has never experienced love. I can tell you how beautiful it is to dream about the perfect love, but all it does is cause more disappointments after I have experienced love.

      Go on believing in love, happily ever after, and a happy ending if you want. I think that we deserve to have this ridiculous dreams to get away from our real life problems sometimes, and hey, these dreams may actually happen if you're lucky. You never know. 

      It can also depend on how you think too. If you and your family / partner lived happily for many years, that can be your version of happily ever after. Never be afraid to put your own stamps on things in life.

Editor: A.B.

A Cry for Help

      Have you ever tried to hide your emotions ? No matter how hurt and sad you feel, you felt like you have to pretend you're stronger and better than the other person. I had been through a time where I tried to be perfect. I hid all my flaws and weaknesses, but now someone I know and love is going through something like that. He doesn't show his feelings or open himself up to people, and when we try to help him, he become this mean, cold-heart person that we all know he isn't at all. I tried to look pass the fact that he's being mean and try to help, but does it always work ?

      I'm scared because I felt like being nice and accepting his actions would just make him worse. So now I have to deal with it my way. I'm ignoring his mean acts and words, but still not accepting them. I will defend myself and let him know that it is not okay. Yet I will not use any offensive words and acts, because I do not want any conflicts. I don't want him to affect me. I want to be happy. I have to.

      Still, I try to keep his feelings inside in mind. I want him to know that I love him and that's why I can't let him hurt himself like this any longer, because when he's hurting himself, he's also hurting me and all those people who love him. The worst way to torture your love ones, is by hurting yourself. I try to understand him every day and night. I couldn't help but wonder, what causes someone to be like this ? It's fear, insecurities, self-hate, and hopeless. He had shut himself up so tight, he doesn't even know how to open up anymore. He doesn't know how to accept help, and even though it is kinda my responsibility to help, I just don't know how anymore. Maybe he feels like whenever he wins a fight with me, it's a victory, but is it worth it to let someone you love so much down just so you can enjoy that five seconds of victory ? The victory that says absolutely nothing about yourself because what you used to win isn't who you really are. I can not possibly believe in any way that he can ever say that and mean it. I believe that his mean actions and behaviours are just his cry for help. 

      I will keep trying to make everything better, yet still allow myself to be happy in school. I know what I want and who I want to be, and I can't afford for anything to drag me down. Maybe these challenges at home will help me to become an even more stronger and accepting person. We never know what can happen next, all we can do is to stay positive. 

Editor: A.B.

Who To Be

      I think that as humans, even if we think we know who we are, we really don't. The thing is, identity not always about what others are gonna think of you. Changing your identity is also about the fear that you might lose everything you have now. We ask ourselves, is it worth risking everything to just be who we are ?

      There have been questions in my head lately and I just can't answer them, but I feel like I have the answer. I'm just too afraid to admit it out loud. These questions were never really gone. I just decided to push them to the back of my head two years ago. I want to settle. I don't ever want to go through the steps of finding myself again. It's always painful, and I don't think I'm ready to share about this yet, at least not to the whole world. Even though I tell myself that I can figure it out by myself, I doubt it. 

      We always say, "be yourself, be the real you," but seriously, how are we suppose to know what's "real"? What if this "realness" we identify with doesn't exist at all ? Maybe it's the "be who you want to be" that we need to learn. 

Editor: A.B.

Waking Up from A Fantasy

      I do not know if it's just because of schoolwork and stress lately, but I might actually be getting over him. Am I really gonna wake up from this "fantasy" already !? I haven't been thinking of him for a few weeks now and I just thought of him today. It feels a little different though. I don't even want to call him "Red" anymore... That may be because I stopped listening to that song to try to get over him. Is it finally working ?

      It's a little disappointing though, to think that I might be getting over him. As painful as it is, it is also nice to have feelings for someone, especially for a needy person like me. It's almost like I don't want to get over him, even though we have no chance of being together. This had me wondering again about love. Whenever we don't feel loved, is it human nature to find love ? Are we just waiting to be loved, and not just love love, but family love and friendship love too?

      It pisses me of a little bit to think of myself as this needy person who "needs" a relationship. Sure I'm lonely but I'm also fabulous. I don't think I need a man to be happy and I will not allow a man to control my happiness. We should never let our relationship status define who we are. Maybe I am getting over him and maybe I'm not, but it doesn't matter anymore. I can finally see how unrealistic this fantasy was, and I will not be waiting here for him anymore. 

      I find that a lot of people are like me. They put love before everything. I think we all need to love ourselves more. I just can't afford to put myself through the "waiting for a straight guy to love me back" thing again. The truth is, it felt so amazing to dream in this fantasy, to secretly look at him and lie to myself that it can happen someday, but the crash after the high is too much to handle. Right now, I want to only care about myself and my future which are my arts. 

Editor: A.B.

Challenging Comfort Zones

      Well, if you had read my piece "The Perfect Score", you will know about me stressing out from school. Here's what's happening so far...

      I just finished sculpting my visual art clay assignment today that was suppose to be done yesterday that I couldn't finish because I was sick. I just finished a homework drawing assignment just now that was suppose to be handed in on Monday. I'm not done the other drawing homework that is suppose to be due tomorrow and we have a full coloured idea sketch due next Monday for our next unit. For drama, we have a monologue assignment that our class started yesterday That I missed because I was sick, so I'm already behind. I had to think of a new character because my drama teacher didn't liked it. Plus performance day is next Tuesday. I just finished writing my monologue, but my printer broke so I will have to print it at school tomorrow. 

      The thing is my drama teacher, Ms. L, wants me to do a more serious kind of character. Which is harder because it's easier to do comedy and so many people are doing comedy ! I know I can be funny so maybe this is a challenge for me I guess... For the art clay thing I just finished today, I did a ballerina. I was going to do a pair of high heels but everyone keeps telling me to do something else ! If you know me at all, you will know that I love fashion, so that's why I basically do fashion related stuff for all my art assignments. It's what I do best. This time I'm getting out of my comfort zones for both visual art and drama, and I don't know if it's helping me or just stressing me out.

      I couldn't help but wonder... is stepping out of your comfort zone always the right thing to do ? When can we know that we have gone too far ? Can we only learn from mistakes, or are there other ways to succeed ? What I do know is that it's definitely not easy, and it means that we have to focus even more and put in more effort. It can be scary, stressful, worrying, and regretful, but maybe it won't turn out as bad as we thought it would and then we can let go of some of our insecurities. 

Editor: A.B.

The Forever Four

                                                          To "The Forever Four"... 

      If you know me really well, you will know "The Forever Four". The Forever Four is me and my other other best girl friends. We met in grade seven & eight, and isn't it funny how friendships can become so strong in those two little years ? It's hard for me to actually write about this, because this "forever" isn't quite the forever I had imagined. Us four aren't seeing each other anymore and it's just sad. I remember when we said we would be forever on grade 8 graduation night, but high school changed everything. Out of us four, only two remained best friends because they both go to the same high school, and I'm not one of them. Yes, I'm so grateful for the arts' program here at my high school and my new friends, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if I went to the same high school as those two, and how strong and long-lasting our friendships would have become. Maybe us four are just not meant to be, and maybe it's better to move on and go on our individual paths. Or is it ? All these "what ifs..." are in my head right now, and I know that no matter what, us four won't be the same again.

      Others might not understand how important these girls are for me. They are like family even though I had only known them for three years. They were the ones who helped me come out out of the closet. They were the ones who I called when I was upset. They were the ones who supported me through dark times, and they were the ones that never left me when I needed somebody to talk to. We had each others' backs in school. Even though us four weren't the most skinny people or the most pretty people in school, we loved and accepted each other. They showed me that I'm beautiful, they showed me that I can sing, and they brought out my inner diva. 

      It's just so upsetting how short this friendship was. You know... I wanted to go to the beach with these girls, I wanted road trips when we got older, and many many sleepovers where we could talk about boys and be crazy together. I would not be who I am today without these girls. I were just so lucky to meet these girls. Even though I kept lying to myself that it isn't over, it is. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like I'm the only who hasn't moved on. I think writing about this is my closure. I want this love for friends to be forever, not just in my heart, but in words. It's not like we won't ever see each other again, it's just that it will never be the same. It's like when friendships fade after all those memories...

      Where does that love go after the friendship is gone ? I really do believe that it still remains in our hearts. I will really miss our laughter, tears, and secrets.

                                                                                                                         Stay Fabulous Forever,

                                                                                                                                            xoxo Leon

Editor: A.B.