The Fault In Our Stars

                   

      The movie was great, the book was even better. However, it had me thinking: is this what love does to a person? Just like any other love story, they meet, they fall in love, and their life changes for the better because of each other. This is more than that. It seems so unrealistic and real at the same time. The book teaches us things about life, love, pain and loss, using words that are as simple as "okay". To be honest, I don't really know what to write about, I'm speechless to be exact. You really have to read the book, or watch the movie, to understand the emotions and the lessons given.

      We humans are like stars in the night sky. Some of us shine brighter, and are easier to be seen. Most of us, however, are not going to be heroes, not going to be remembered by the world. We are still special to those who know us and those we know. Sometimes, we just have to keep on shining. Not having the world see our glow, but keeping it for ourselves and the ones we love.

       When Hazel was crying after hearing that Augustus dies, it makes me wonder: will anyone cry for me like that? Will anyone remember me like that? I mean, after all, it is a love story. Even if we don't find our Augustus Waters, we still need to keep on living. We can't just wait for our love to come find us, sometimes we have to go search for it ourselves. That's the thing I hate, and also love, about stories like this. It gives us hope. It gives me hope. It lets me believe that if I were to struggle in life, I would have somebody to lean on to and know that our love will be "okay".

       I believe it, I have to. The world would just be too depressing if I couldn't believe in love like this. I believe that someday I will find someone that I'm happy to live beside. Somebody who can give me a forever and somebody who shines bright just for me.

      So stars, go shine. Light up the dark night and somebody else's heart.
      "Okay ?" 
      "Okay."

Editor: A.B.

Normal

      Normal. Define normal. For me, normality is a standard created by humans and societies. Sometimes we people get so comfortable and used to standards and rules that when we find contrasts and differences, we tend to push against them. I believe, everything is normal. Maybe not for everyone, but for some people: that's normal, that's comfortable and free for them. It's fear. We fear of being uncomfortable, being out of the box and out of our usual zones. The normal box is getting bigger and expanding, people are learning how to accept more things and putting those things into our normal box. It isn't about expanding the box, it's about opening the box. No matter how big the box is, there will always be things outside not being accepted, and people being trapped in their own boxes. I think we should all see the creativity and beauty outside the box, where everything is accepted and free.

      Sometimes I wonder what the world will be like where people break the standards of normality and beauty. Where we will finally understand that all humans need to be accepted. Where everyone believes that we all are beautiful the way we are. Where a male can be who he wants to be even if it means to dress like another gender. Where we can turn our flaws into inner strength and confidence. Where we understand that being different is wonderful. Where we can put ourselves in others' shoes and know how courageous they were to break out of the box. Where we can all love.

      I break through the box and standards every day. I truly believe that heels and pearls are not just for females, and men who have the confident to put them on shouldn't have to decide if their label is "gay" or "transgender" or "drag" to justify what they do. The only label we all should have is "human" . We, as the same species, are equal and shouldn't be separated by our gender, our sexual orientation, our race, our strength, our body type, our health or our wealth.

      I have hope for our future. That one day people will understand the true meaning of normal and different because I can see our people, our society changing, and slowly accepting more and more differences. I don't expect people to accept all the differences in others right away. It takes time, and they can have their opinion and their voice too. Just never hate because you disagree, never offend them just because you don't understand. Don't question, don't judge, and don't show rudeness or be offensive.

      Just love. For the sake of all humans and the respect they all deserve. For the sake of personal freedom and acceptance. Just love.

Editor: A.B.

In Return

      Have you ever felt like you don't matter in a friendship? Like you're always a second choice, and your feelings don't matter to them? I try to give so much care and love to them to keep the friendship running, but sometimes it's a race that I feel like I will never win, because you can only give so much. Maybe that person does want this friendship, and maybe they do care, but I can't feel it. I couldn't help but wonder if I am selfish, that I am just seeking the equal amount love and care that I gave to them. I felt the need to prove that I care about them to the world, and showed them how important this friendship was to me, but sometimes they don't always feel the same way I do. Maybe they don't think I am giving them the care and love they want. Maybe they are trying to give more, but something's causing them to hold back.

      It just hurts so much. Feeling so desperate for care and love, thinking the whole time that they would give some of it in return. I can't blame them, or stay mad at them even for a second, because I know that letting go of the friendship will hurt so much more than sacrificing yourself for them. So, I pretend that I'm mad and upset at them to try to make them realize how much I care, but to them, I guess I'm nothing special. What am I to them? What am I to her? I spent my whole time holding so tightly to this friendship, thinking that she would be the one grabbing on if I let go. I was wrong.

      I tried to get mad, I tried to blame it on her, but what can I say: I can't. I know for a fact that it isn't her fault. Who will get the blame, then? Me. I was the one who shouldn't have been so immature and desperate. I was the one who didn't give us space. It seems like everything just comes back to ourselves doesn't it?

      I realise that I can't back down this time. I refuse to be the one running back to the friendship and try to fix it. I hate to admit that I was wrong, and I was the immature one. Whatever happens this time, I need to stick with my pride, and not show emotions, even if I'm dying in the inside. Is my pride worth the pain of letting go? I don't know, but I can't think about that. I just have to go with it.

Editor: A.B.

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

      Maturity is something a lot of teenage boys don't have. Sometimes it seems even more childish to argue with them, so maybe we will just have to wait for them grow up, and then they will look back and understand how stupid they were. Before I came out, I was one of these immature boys, at least I tried to be. I was so desperate to fit in, I forgot who I was. Even now I still regret that my friendships with them ended. There's something about them. The things they do are so pointless and dangerous but they're still cool and fun. I just love how they seem to live their days to the fullest and never regret anything. They don't talk or worry about their futures in front of people, and people think that they don't care about where their lives are going. People assume that they are completely carefree, but I'm sure they worry about things and think about their futures.

      The thing is, these boys hurt people with jokes, words, and whispers. People call them jerks and dislike them. Sometimes the boys would cross the line, and people called them bullies. However, I couldn't help but wonder if the situations counted as bullying, because sometimes humans are over-sensitive and can't take a joke. I understand that a lot of people might disagree with me on this (including your editor), but maybe if we become stronger, bullies can't bully us and there will be no bullies. We can't change people, but what we can do is change ourselves into stronger and more mature beings.

      Sometimes, I blame myself for what happened between me and the guys. I admit, I got weak and depressed by some words and jokes, and they got in trouble because of me. Maybe if I had taken those words as jokes and laughed with them, our friendship could have been saved. The truth is, they still tried to hang out with me even after I came out. I just felt too uncomfortable and awkward, so I denied. I have feelings for the guys, some of them are really attractive, and I don't think I can hide myself anymore. Yet, I don't think I'm strong enough to let them see the real me yet.

      All I can do now is accept the past, and let it go. Friends come and go, but whoever's meant to be with you forever will stay.The bottom line is: I miss the guys, and even if I'm gay, I still have that little guy-ness in me that my girl friends will never understand.

Editor: A.B.

Time Wasted

          Life is like a game of monopoly: everyone's just rolling their dice and hoping for the best to get to their destination. I'm one of the few players who has already planned where my destination is going to be. In this game, there are three main types of players. There are ones who are moving towards their destination every day and who work hard to get to their dream place. There's also the ones who have already reached their destination and are getting ready to join a whole new stage of the game. And then there's me, the people who are just moving around that may or may not have a specific goal and are trying to figure out where their destinations are going to be. My destination has been set since I was about five, now I'm not so sure where I'm moving towards... We are still moving, as long as the earth is spinning and we are living our days, we are still in the game. But it's hard to say whether we are moving towards our destination or just moving.

          I have had my dream figured out for a long time and I know where my destination is, but I'm still working on how I am going to get there. These past few months I haven't been drawing and designing that much and I have barely touch my sewing machine. I know that if I want to become who I want to be, I have to work hard and not be lazy. But these days I just feel so lost, I don't know where I'm going anymore. It's almost like you're losing yourself.

          It's not entirely about laziness though. I think I'm scared, scared of going down the wrong path. The path and destination I have chosen are risky. I can fail and lose everything I've worked for in only a minute. I'm afraid to admit it but I might be having second thoughts on this dream. Some people might say that if I'm truly meant for this path, I will find the track eventually. But what if I don't? I don't think I have any other talents and I don't want to risk my entire future. I may just be over thinking this, but making back-up plans shows that I don't have enough confidence about this. I'm not ready to go on this journey,

          Even if I'm not right for this path and there's a big chance of failing, I don't think I have any choices other than sticking with this path until another path opens. I will overcome my laziness and try to earn back the time I have wasted, but the fear will always be inside me. Because the truth is, being lost is part of success and while I'm trying to get myself back on track, I might discover something new, something different.

Editor : M.B.C.

Safety Line

      People always say that high school crushes are stupid because they won't last. Sadly, it's true. I think we all know that it's not gonna last, that it's gonna hurt so badly you think you might not get through it, but we still want that love. It's a love we know will end someday and become a bittersweet memory. For me, that love might not even happen, and I think I'm slowly accepting it. As one of the few open gay guys at my school, there really aren't a lot of opportunities. I know for a fact that I'm not a very beautiful person either, so it's not that difficult to know why I haven't found that person yet. However, this is okay; what's meant to be will come eventually.

      I have a love-hate relationship with crushes. They are the feeling of melting when you watch them smiling from a distance, but never having the guts to talk to them. They are the feeling of wanting to look your best in school every day for them, and the feeling of wanting them to notice you more. Crushes are the feeling of yearning; to be in their thoughts, if only for a second. Yet, it's impossible, from what I know. My crushes are all as straight as a ruler and they all know that I'm as gay as a pink cupcake with sparkly whipped cream on top. There isn't even only one crush, but three. The thing is, I never forget. Every time I see my crushes either in person or remembering them through memory, it's like falling for them all over again. It's very difficult to never forget, to always cling onto the past. I just hope that I won't do anything stupid when I'm in a relationship.

      My three present crushes are J, K and M. I have been trying to get over them for weeks, but it seems like my feelings just keep growing every time I see them. J is the sweet one, funny and charming, and so cute that you just want to hug him. Yes, he can get really stressed out from school, and sometimes he isn't that responsible for school work, but he really tries, and this always makes me smile.

      K is different, I don't have any classes with him, and I have never spoken to him, but there's something about him that's different. Something that leaves my heart racing. I always thought that he was quiet and shy, but from what I've heard he's actually really funny and dramatic. Which makes him all the more interesting.

      M is dangerous. He's the bad boy who skips some classes and smokes. What's even more dangerous is that he's the hot boyfriend of one of my best friends. Of course I told my friend everything and she's fine with it, but it's hard to see them make out every day. I know I can never do something about my crushes, keeping my feelings inside is killing me slowly, but if I tell them about my feelings, that will cause even more pain. 

      Maybe crossing the safety line will give me a sense of relief, but it's going to be risky and I might lose something, maybe something important.    

                                                                                                                          

                                                                                                                               Editor : A.B.                    

One Step Closer

      

          My first March break as a high school student was as fabulous as a baby unicorn being born in a pile of glitter. I went to New York City with my school as an Arts Program trip. And as a fashion person, I would never miss out on this amazing opportunity. It was so exciting and fantastic, you had to have been there with me to feel it. It was like taking a big step towards your dream and almost being able to see your destination; it's still blurry and far away but you have to believe that you will make it to be able to move forward. And this trip, this March Break showed me something that I have never seen before and gave me a little taste of what my future will be like.

          Of course I packed my suit case with my best clothes: three pairs of shoes, four purses and plenty of accessories. People kept saying I was over packing because it was only a five day trip but I knew what I was doing. For me, the best part was just walking down the street in NYC rocking my outfits. And even though I wanted to take as many pictures as possible, I tried to ditch the camera quickly because I didn't want to look like a tourist. We need to fake it to make it, right? I dressed like a New Yorker, I walked like one and I acted like one. I basically pretended I was one for five days. It may sound dramatic but it felt like home, I felt like I belonged there even more than I do here in Canada.

           It was just like Sex and the City. Well... without the sex and all the expensive high heels. But the view, the shops, the people on the street were all just chic. I even saw Chanel, Jimmy Choo and all these other famous brands. I screamed really loudly on the bus when we drove pass them. Even though I couldn't shop in those stores, it was a lot of fun shopping in Times Square. But we hurried on our shopping because we had too many things to do. The trip was so great, even better than great. We saw two Broadway shows, ate in fancy restaurants, visited two big art museums and so much more. The money and the long tiring bus rides were worth it.

           I'm grateful that I could experience all this at such a young age, and I felt different after this trip. This might not be the best way to say it but it was like losing my innocence and entering adulthood. Something changed inside me and it's scary because I know I might not be able to gain back what I've lost. Sure I'm still a teenager and I can still mess up but at least now I know what I want and I understand what it would be like to go down this path. And I will still be learning how to be independent and take responsibility of choices that will affect my future. After all, it was a life changing, dramatic and very emotional trip. (Maybe I'm being too dramatic about this but yeah... ) I thought I would be crying on the bus ride back, but I wasn't. I was surprisingly not that upset about leaving my "dream". Maybe I knew I wasn't ready for the big city, maybe I don't fully belong there yet. Or maybe I knew it wasn't goodbye, that I will be back when I'm ready to live my dream. Either way, my first March Break as a high school student was just fabulous.

Editor : M.B.C.

A New Beginning

          Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex And The City” once said: "people come to New York City for the two Ls: love and labels." However for me, there's one more L to find in NYC: me, Leon, because I know that NYC is where I belong, and I will finally be able to discover my true self there. Finding myself isn't going to be easy, but with the help of my family, my BFFs, and my own hint of fabulousness, I know for a fact that I will thrive in The City That Never Sleeps.

          Every stage of life is a new beginning, some of these beginnings are difficult to understand and accept, and nearly all of them, including my change to high school, cannot be avoided. All I can do in the mean time is to be the best that I can be and try to learn as much as I can, and then hopefully fate will give me a chance to discover and follow my own dream on this crazy journey known as life.

          After I stop daydreaming about my future, I realize how ugly the truth is. No. I'm not a New Yorker. I'm not Carrie from “Sex And The City”, and I don't even know if I will be able to go to New York and make a living on my own. The truth is, I'm just another fourteen year-old boy stuck in his little town of Waterloo, Ontario, Canada who has a big, New York dream that will only happen through hard work and a whole lot of luck.

          It's my first year of high school and the thing about this change is that, it's scary. People lie and say that everything’s fine, but it isn't. I’ve entered a whole new world that can be both complicated and stressful, yet I try to remain optimistic by thinking that you can also obtain great treasures among of all this chaos. One of the best treasures I've found are great friends, who will support you through times of difficulty and help you guide you through your life. I guess it's okay to be scared --it's normal even-- but sometimes we have accept the truth that we are growing up and things will change. We will never return to the way we once were.

          It sure is stressful worrying about all the things that come with being older. The exams and tests. They way you look and dress. The infinite amount of crushes that will never progress into something more. Even the people you know that secretly hate you, who you usually try to forget about, start to cause you stress. Although, despite these stresses I often find myself dealing with, I remember that there will always be the times where I’ll be laughing so hard because of something one of my friends said, I’ll forget about the difficult times. It’ll be just for that one second that I’ll believe all the pain and difficulties I go through were worth it. That’s what I value in my friendships. I value people who accept my every quirk, who I can always trust, knowing that they will support me through the most difficult of times. I remember these values when I remember my old friends from before high school, who I will hang out with after school sometimes. They are the ones who stayed by my side throughout all my ups and downs over the past few years, and they are also the ones who know my darkest, hush-hush secrets. I hope one day to bring all these wonderful people together to share what will hopefully be the greatest day of my life: my wedding (that is, if I, hopefully, find The One!).

          Every stage of life is a new beginning, some of these beginnings are difficult to understand and accept, and nearly all of them, including my change to high school, cannot be avoided. All I can do in the mean time is to be the best that I can be and try to learn as much as I can, and then hopefully fate will give me a chance to discover and follow my own dream on this crazy journey known as life.

Editor : A. B.