The Angel and The Devil.

          Story: Two people found each other, and they bonded. They looked past their differences, they loved and cared for each other. The love they have created, was so powerful, so pure and holy, it helped one become the Angel. Yet with the Angel's existence, the other became the Devil. For where there is light, there must also be darkness. The Angel tried to help the Devil, yet she is helpless. She was no longer happy, frustrated even, for her seemingly duty and destiny, was to bring joy and love to all. Though the Devil can not be fixed. The love between them, is not gone, but unfortunately... lost.

          According to the Bible, the Devil (many calls Lucifer), was born an Angel, but had sinned for the crave for power. Yet, if I may ever so wonder... What if that's not the complete story ? What if, there was a flaw in Heaven. Maybe the Devil was suffering, struggling deep within as an Angel. Maybe no one understood his/her/their pain ? Maybe he/her/they wanted the power to end their own suffering. Maybe, just maybe, there's a reason behind the greed that wasn't evil. 

          But now it doesn't matter does it ? 

          For people will always stand by the Angels, and never the Devil.

Not Everything, But Something.

          "We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve."

          Well Baby, You Deserve Everything.

          I don't think people understand why I blog, and sometimes the purpose behind my writing changes as my situations change. I started because I wanted to practice my writing skills, and to express my opinions, my thoughts, and my story. Now I write to advocate, to send out a message, but I also write because I want to share about the world I live in. I like to express how I experience the world, through my eyes. I like to express how I feel, through my heart. I like to express how I think of the world, through my reasoning. So sometimes, I have to write about people, perhaps the people in the media, or those around me. For me, it's important.

          Now, it's clear that some people don't like how I can write about others in such public ways. I've received comments on how I somehow am "antagonizing" a particular individual, or worse, "degrading" them. Even though I don't use names, describe their physical features in details, and nor I talk about their personalities/backgrounds in depth, people who know me well will know who it's about. I understand it can be tricky because I want to respect their privacy, but is it all that negative ? I have an argument. I don't think that in any of my pieces I "antagonize" or "degrade" anybody, I understand that there are consequences when I write about people publicly, but I will never ever try to use my writing to harm anyone. That will never be the purpose or intention behind this Blog. Never.

          I do however, need to write. It's what I need. I need to let my emotions out, let my feelings out somehow. I don't know if writing about situations/people on my Blog will make me happier, and I don't know if it'll solve anything. But I do know that I feel better, maybe not happier, but better. I needed that, you see. And I needed to do it for myself.

          Writing to Self-Care is the first step, but really believing in what I write about is the next step. I won't allow myself to take in the extra blame/guilt. If someone is hurt/angry for my action, I will take responsibility for it. No problem, but I owe anyone else nothing. I think it's ridiculous and insulting how anyone can read my writing and accuse it of being hateful and degrading. Am I perfect ? Absolutely not, but never will I write about someone unreasonably. I will always look into the other side's story and feelings first. And I don't use my blog pieces to blame or point fingers. I just need a way to communicate with the world, about me, my feelings and my story. No one's a saint or an angel, and people allow themselves to do selfish things, putting themselves first. And I won't judge people for that, I think that it's healthy to be a little selfish sometimes. So this time, the world should let me be a little selfish. I think that otherwise, it's unfair. 

          I May Not Deserve Everything, but I Deserve Something. I Deserved That.

Me, Myself, and I.

          I finally did it. I finally went to the movies by myself. I've always wanted to do it, but I never actually did it yet. I went out and spent time with myself in a cinema full of people, and it was wonderful. Absolutely fantastic.

          I chose to see the movie "La La Land", and I was afraid at first, since it's a movie with the theme of romance. I feared that I would feel even more lonely after the movie. Yet that didn't happen. The movie was pleasant and I ended up taking away much more than just romance, the movie was excellent. It represented and showcased much more depth than just romance. I was surrounded by groups of twos, threes, and fours. I wondered if people notice that I'm alone. I started to have a lot of fun just being with myself. I noticed that I could just let go and focus on my thoughts along with the movie. I liked that, I didn't like that. I'm thirsty, let's take a sip of my drink. My thoughts and feelings came together and created a smooth flow, there wasn't a conflict at all. I was a peace with myself, finally. I'm so happy that at last, I've taken a step towards Self-Care and Independence. I promise, this will not be the last time I go to the movies alone. And I encourage people to try it, it's fabulous.

          After I got home, I started to wonder... 
          Do I love, because I care ? Or do I love out of desperation ?
          Do I care, because I want to ? Or do I care out of fear ?

          I seem to be embracing this state of loneliness, this... forced independence. Because all I know right now is that I need to be okay, to be happy. Yet what am I willing to lose ? Maybe, just maybe... Maybe some people will never be happy, maybe some people are never meant to be truly happy, truly free of mental health. Maybe we just need to learn how to survive this state of depression, anxiety, this constant fear of life. I don't know, maybe...

          And what will happen when I'm finally happy !? When I'm finally happy, and I find myself all alone, all disconnected. It's such instability, such subtle happiness. What will happen then ? How will it feel; lonely, happy, frustrated, tiring. I will know that I've made it, I've survived, but what does that all mean when you're alone ?

          ... Will it be time to start over ? To move on ?

Does Liking Anal Sex Make You Gay ?

Dear Straight Cis-Gendered Men,

Have you ever asked or wondered if liking Anal Sex or Anal Play make you Gay ?

Well, the Answer is Yes.

The Answer is as Yes as if Masturbating makes your Dicks fall off.

Honey, OF COURSE NOT !

          Though as random and humorous this question can sound, it's true. A lot of men have wondered this, so let's talk about it. I think that this question is really about two things: the idea of being pleasured or even penetrated from behind is somehow demasculinizing, and relations between sex and sexual orientation.

          A lot of men may feel that if they like "it up/in the butt", somehow they're not as masculine anymore, making them "Gay". The thing is know is that the way we use the word "Gay" here is an insult, a harmful stereotype saying that homosexual men are less "manly", always more feminine. Yet no, we have to stop thinking that way, letting internalized homophobia gets in the way of logic. Those who are born with the XY chromosome, therefore in most cases, owning a penis, have a G-spot, the same way as others have it in their vaginas. So Cis-Males, it's okay to enjoy some anal actions during sex, you have a G-spot there, it's completely natural ! Let it not be a guilty pleasure, be free, and embrace your sexuality.

          Now, we should talk about: Sex v.s. Sexual Orientation. What if a Straight Cis-Gendered Male likes anal sex with other men ? Does that make him gay ? No, not if he identifies as one. Here's the thing, I feel like we have labeled sex, gay-sex, lesbian-sex...etc. It can be just sex ! I mean, if a man really likes anal sex, and that he's tired of a woman wearing a strap-on dick or using a dildo himself, maybe he'll want to have sex with another man, who knows ? I mean, there are anal-sex porn actors who are straight for sure, so why is it such a big deal ? Just because a man has sex with another man, does not make him gay. It is his own body, his own sexual experiences. It is his sexual orientation to define. 

          The worst is when someone is actually Gay/Bi/Pan...etc. but just in the closet, and he get's outed by someone else after being discovered of his sexual activities. Do not EVER out someone. Don't, because you never know if they're in a safe environment, if they're ready enough, if their family/friends are toxic and dangerous or not. You don't know. Have Respect !

Butterfly Fly Away

          What ? The Butterflies are back !? Yes, they are.

          I remembered that I explained why I have such an attachment to butterflies in the Blog piece where I announced the title change. Now, no I'm not changing the title back to "Tears of The Butterfly", but I just want to pay a tribute to the symbol of Butterflies, and also on how it's reflected on me right now at this stage of my life.

          Butterflies are beautiful, they symbolizes a form of innocence and effortless beauty. They also communicate a sense of softness and femininity that I've always embraced within me. Yet, they're fragile, they're weak. They're easily harmed, and they often don't live long. Butterflies are such creatures of delicate beauty that showcases a transformation in their past, a growth and change through hard work and time.

          Sometimes in life, we're butterflies. We may feel weak, we may feel so broken that we start to feel hopeless. Sometimes, we feel beautiful, yet so fragile, we become so scared. We've gone through so much, so much growth and change, yet are we matured ? Are we the people we're suppose to be ? If we are, we wonder, why are we not happy ? As I'm looking back, and I just want to really start off 2017 by thanking those who have been there for me in the past. I may be a mermaid now, yet it's those who've been by my side that have really taught me how to fly when I was a butterfly. I could have never made it this far without those who've loved, cared, and supported me.

          It's a long journey, and I'll continue to struggle, but I'll be okay. I have to be.

Announcement :

To start off 2017, I have created a Facebook Page for this Blog !

For those of you who know me personally, that has me on Facebook, you may know that I always share on Facebook when I have a new Blog piece, well, it's getting a little too messy and now I think things can be more organized.

Make sure you Like/Follow the Facebook Page !

Tears Of A Mermaid

Letting Go.

I’m angry. I’m so very angry. I’ve never really allowed myself to be mad at you, because I’ve always put you above me. I’ve always put you above my feelings, my desires, and my needs. Yet now, you have left...

You left because you no longer are able to be there for me. You don’t know how to. You’re too concerned for yourself, for your happiness. I’m angry because I would put my happiness aside to stand by you through a rough time, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t question it. I would never. And the thing is, I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself. You have made the choice to protect yourself, and your own happiness. You took a break, because you know the ways of self-love and self-care. Yet I don't. I'm angry at myself for not being able to put myself as an equal to you, to be able to care and love myself just as much as I would for you. When our worlds collided, it was beautiful. Your world was my escape, I devoted myself into understanding and caring for your world, but you were aware. You kept your distance from my past, my family, my world because you know it's toxic. You know how dark and consuming it can be. Well now, play time is over. I have to face my reality, I need to know that I can be strong enough to break through from the darkness. So I went back to fight my world, to find myself again. Yet, you let go, you're scared, frustrated. You aren't willing to fight with me.

You left because you’re hurting ? You’re hurt because I’m not there for you ? That I’m too troubled with my own mental health to cuddle you, to shower you with affection, with compliments, with hugs, with boy talks, with happiness...etc. You’re hurt because I’m not “me”, because I don’t make you laugh anymore. Because I’m cold. Because I’m no longer easy to talk to, I’m not a bundle of joy, making jokes everyday, making your world all sunshine and rainbows. You're hurt because I don't communicate well enough, you asked why after 3 years of friendship, I can still feel this insecure ? The thing is, it's problematic, and painfully insensitive. It is insensitive for you to think that a depressed me isn't me, well guess what ? I've battled with mental illnesses throughout many years now. This is me. You out of anyone, should know that it's a performance. I perform. I've given the world my best, and now even when I'm at my worst, people still expect me to still give them my most happy, charming self. It's ridiculous. It is also problematic that you surround yourself with problematic men, overseeing harmful behaviors that are insensitive to me and my community. And it's painful for you to say that you'll be angry if I kill myself, as if I don't have enough guilt inside me eating me alive. To think that if I do die, my last thought will be how sorry I am for angering you. It's wrong for you to expect so much of me. You want me to be healthy, to be happy, to be okay ? You think it's so easy ? Please, as if I don't feel enough of a disappointment.

Do you know ? That it sometimes pains me to love you, to be your friend ? When we walk down the street and get catcalled, you get annoyed, and expresses your disgust, where as I only feel privileged to be passing as a woman next to you. When we hang out, you can carelessly make jokes about my foreign background, we laugh together, but I still hate myself for my broken English, for my accent, for how I will never be beautiful as you because I'm not pale enough, my hair is not blonde enough, that I'm not skinny enough. When I'm not safe and accepted in my own home, you take me in, for refuge, showing me the warmth of your family, calling me your sister. Yet now, you're being discouraged to see me, as I bring too much stress and anxiety onto you because of my depression.

I don't have a father who will call, or come home bringing me presents, I don't have a mother who will hug me when I cry, and constructing a reality that's safe and calming. You are loved, cared, and protected. You are told that your happiness and your well being matters, that you need to block out the things which causes you stress and sadness. You are told that things will be okay, that you'll be okay. Well I'm sorry, too bad for me I guess. Because things are not okay for me, and I have no one to tell me that it'll be okay. But I don't need that. All along, I just needed someone to be there, to be here, to let me know that I'm worth loving and caring. That I'm worth staying and fighting for. Now, I refuse to call. Because I'm tired, tired of trying to make you understand, to make you love me. If you can't show compassion for my depression, then I'm in no place to ask for it. And I get it. You feel upset because you don't deserve to be pushed away, to be mistreated. Yet, please don't ever put your discomfort above mine, especially when I have to live with such discomfort every single day. You say you deserve more love from me, well I agree. But it's an impossible task when I'm short of supply, not even enough for myself to survive. Please try to understand, and I'm not worried. I know that you'll find as much love as you need and desire, because you're you.

You have a beautiful heart, and it's just painfully unfortunate that you have chosen me to work on I guess. Just know that you can't fix me, I know you say you don't try to. But you do because of your expectations. You expected the 3 years of friendship to be enough to fill the hole in my heart. You expected me to be okay, to accept the love you pour into me, to believe that I deserve the love just because you said so. And when I lost myself to the darkness, you didn't understand. You didn't understand why nothing has worked, why it was still not enough. Darling, it was. It was enough. You're so full of love, but you pour them out so blindly, yet now, I just need you to open your eyes. Pour them carefully and pour them with care, please.

Lastly, I love you. I still love you and I'll never stop loving you, but I understand if you need to go. I understand that you've tried your best. Thank you, for giving me such a wonderful and beautiful friendship full of laughter and joy. Who knows what will happen next for us, but no matter what, I'll be here. I will, with others or by myself, happy or sad, I'm just here, being me.

Love, XOXO