Toronto Pride 2017

          Sometimes I've forgotten how it feels to be respected, to be seen "normal"... I walk down the streets everyday, with stares everywhere. I've gotten so used to being the one that stands out, for better and for worse, being questioned of "what" I am, being alienated, being... discriminated against.

          Yet at Pride, I fit in, who I am was no longer a controversy. We all were celebrating who we are, and we embraced each other's unique differences. It feels almost like a dream, and the moment I've walked away from the streets of Downtown Toronto and into the underground subways, the dream slowly faded... The more stops we pass, the further away we were from Downtown, the magic is gone... I've suddenly woke up from a beautiful dream, a dream us will only dare to have once a year. The entire month of June is International Pride, but people complain that it's too long. People don't understand why we need a whole month. People don't understand why we need Pride. The problem is the fact that we still need Pride, the fact that once June is over, us Queer and Trans people have to go back into our communities, our little neighbourhoods, our family even, and make ourselves smaller again. We need to curl up into a ball, taking as little space as possible, to stay safe, to stay sane, to stay.... alive.

          The first Pride Parade was a riot against Police Brutality, against the oppression against specifically Queer and Trans Women of Colour. Pride month is not a time for allies and others to tolerate us, to give us the space and platform to celebrate. We have fought and earned our rights, we have resisted against the system to have our visibility shown. We have been so brave, and Pride shall never end. We will keep on fighting, and keep on celebrating.

          The sky is oppressive, and only after the rain, after the storm, after all the destruction, will the sky allow the rainbow to appear. Yet the sky asks the rainbow to only show with the sun, but the sun have done nothing, the sun watched the pouring rain, the wind...etc. The sun didn't do shit. Let's stop glorifying the sun, and let's give the rainbow some credit. The rainbow just want the platform to spread it's beautiful colours. The rainbow has always been there, through the storm, through the night, through everything. The rainbow shall and will endure ! #QueerPower 

Bey & I: Challenging the Patriarchal System

Disclaimer: This piece is just a metaphorical comparison between my struggles against the patriarchal system as an Asian-immigrant Transgender Woman and what we've seen of Beyonce's public experiences as a black female artist, in no way am I trying to say that all BIPOC's struggles are the same nor is this piece saying that me and Queen Bey are on the same level in regards to being an activist or a social influence.

          As Malcolm X once said: "The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman." Yet how is Beyonce, a black woman in America, so successful ? Yet how is Beyonce, a black woman in America, able to be one of the most powerful and influential people in the world ? Is this really... her #BlackGirlMagic ?! Well, looking back at my years in high school, and the work of advocacy that I've done, I'm a little surprised as well. A female student gave me some feedback on the women's history month assembly that I organized, and she said that she had been talking to the school admins about having an assembly like that for months, and I was able to do because "I'm Leon". But it's not just her, many other students have told me that I'm doing stuff other people can't do, just because... I'm me ? I don't understand, I am one of the most marginalized people in the school, one of the most oppressed people under the system. Why do I have this power ?

          Well, then I thought of Beyonce's journey, and how we've both invaded the system in a way ! Before anything else, we both had to disguise ourselves. We both somehow had to fit into the system, even if it's not being "real". I came as an immigrant, yet I quickly learned English and desperately tried to hide my accents. I came out as gay and happily became a "token", the gay best friend many white cis-straight girls wanted me to be. For Beyonce, when she started her solo career, she mostly only wore wigs, not having her natural hair out. And what was even more interesting was that many of her wigs were blonde. She, as a black woman with a southern background, did not produce any music that reflected back to her communities. And most importantly, she sexualized herself, within her mainstream pop music videos, she fetishized herself for her audience. Yes, it's basically what all female pop artists have to do to be popular, but still, she gave in and made content strategically for men's liking... Then, after we've both gained power and popularity, we reveal our true identities as the woke bitches that we are ! (I don't know about Beyonce, but I was more growing into the bad bitch that I am rather than revealing it lol.) Remember after Beyonce dropped her visual album "Lemonade" ? And how the world went crazy because they didn't know how much Beyonce stood for the #BlacklivesMatter movement ? Remember when Beyonce used the Superbowl stage as a platform to pay tributes to Michael Jackson and Malcolm X ? Remember how controversial it was ?! Yep, that's my girl. Go Queen Bey ! Now, most people supported the LGBTQ+ assembly that I organized, yet the Women's History Month celebrations ? It got controversial, people got political, and comments got a lot nastier. Then, I wasn't able to make the Mental Health Awareness assembly happen... People started questioning my intention as an Activist, people wondered if I'm doing "too much", if I'm pushing the messages too hard... I even had to fight to make Pride Week happen, just because I wanted to invite Drag Queens in and perform in our cafeteria during lunchtime. Still, it happened, and yes there were backlash, but it was amazing.

          We made history !!!

          Yet even with our work of advocacy and status, we're still facing backlash. On the last day of school, I wore a scandalous sequins minidress to celebrate the ending of high school and my thick & juicy body. I was feeling myself, and I wanted to end my high school years on a good note, symbolically spreading the message of loving oneself (physically, emotionally, and mentally). Though of course I got scolded by many teachers as I've clearly violated the dress code, but most let it slip through because it's the last day of school. One teacher particular stood out, a white cisgender straight white man, spoke to me privately and expressed his concern. Now, if it was just a matter of violating the dress code and making him or other male students uncomfortable, fine, I'll take my punishments. After all, I'm still a student under the system. Yet he expressed about how he felt threatened, as he felt like if I'm challenging the system, I'm challenging him as well. Now, "threatened" ? A white man feeling challenged by a trans person of colour embracing and loving their body ? Celebrating and having pride in one's marginalized identity ? Mhm, so surprised... *rolls eyes. He even questioned me of my intent and asked why I've decided to do this on the last day of school after everything that I've contributed for the community. He felt like me dressing like this and challenging the system will ruin my "legacy"...

          As you can see, there is still so much more work to do. Even if me and Bey have really invaded the system somehow and gained some power, we are still oppressed in many ways. Allies, y'all need to do better. We all need to do better. We shall fight, we shall resist, and we will not stop until all voices are heard, and answered.

          Stay Woke, and Stay Fabulous !

       
       

Youth VIII: Chrysanthemum

          The history of yellow/orange/golden chrysanthemums dates back to China in the 15th century. The Chinese thought that the chrysanthemum flowers offered such perfection with the beautiful alignment of petals that it became the blossom of nobility. In ancient Japan, these flowers were a symbol of power and perfection, representing as the sun. Now in Asia, chrysanthemum flowers represent rebirth, especially because dried dead chrysanthemums are known to blossom again in hot water when used to make tea.

          You have been born so many times, the first when your mother gave birth to you, the second when you moved to Singapore, then when to Malaysia, then again for Canada, and then finally you birthed yourself when you came out of the closet. And throughout the years of battling with mental illnesses, you've mentally killed yourself, over and over. Yet here you are, still alive. You are a survivor and a fighter. You are one of the strongest person you know, you inspire yourself. You are beautifully imperfect, amazingly flawed, you are... you.

          Yes, this piece is written for me, by me, and dedicated to me. Yellow/Orange/Golden Chrysanthemums are my favourite kind of flowers, they're so beautifully complex, and the meaning of rebirth just speaks to me so personally. Symbolically I have died countless times, both emotionally and mentally. I have even tried to harm myself physically in the past as well. Yet I will survive, I will endure, and no matter how low I get, I know I will rise again. It's not an act or state of narcissism, I think we all should appreciate ourselves and look at the things we've overcome. I am so thankful for the things I've done, the steps I've taken to care and love myself better. I am also so proud of who I've become and the way I've grown. I'm excited to keep learning, to keep working, and to keep growing. It's now time to say goodbye to high school, and embrace a new chapter in life. It's scary, and I'm trying my best not to get swallowed by anxiety, but it's okay, because I can handle it. I know I can.

          I have and will always be grateful for those who have loved and cared for me, because I know that being there for me isn't easy. Yet I have to show some appreciation for myself as well, because even though I'm still just learning to love myself, I've trying my very best. I put so much effort into self-care, and it's finally showing. I'm getting better, and I'll be okay. For the first time ever it seems, that I can actually believe myself when I say/write that...

          I am strong. I am beautiful. I am capable. I am surviving. I, will be okay.

"Everyday, I write a poem titled 'tomorrow'. It is a handwritten list of the people I know that love me, and I make sure to put my own name at the top."

- People You May Know, Kevin Kantor

Youth VII: Daisy

I love you so much,

so much that I even started loving myself too.

Like daisies, your beauty will endure, 

in the most simple and youthful way possible.

Your charm will spread and bloom,

creating an eternal Spring.

Your love couldn't heal me,
yet you held my hand, trying your best to be there.

Thank You, for loving me,

and letting me love you in the little ways that I could.

“You Accept The Love You Think You Deserve”

Well baby,

You Deserve Everything.

Youth VI: Iris

          We try to escape from Time, yet it always catches on...

          There's so much miscommunication and misunderstandings, but to me there's no need to clear things up anymore. It saddens me, yet I'm happy if you're finding your own happiness. I wish I can be there for you more, contributing to your laughter, yet the truth is, your happiness no longer includes me. And trying to fit myself into a life that doesn't have the space for me will just create more tension. So we're both moving on I guess, but I still love you, and I wish you well.

          You are a person that amazes me, with your intelligence and your beauty. The way you look at the world is so mature, it was an honour to have shared and exchanged thoughts with you. Thank you, for being there for me for such a long time, it must've been difficult, it must've been tiring. Thank you.

          In Ancient Greek mythology, the Goddess Iris was a link between Heaven and Earth, guiding women to happiness after death. Your femininity is so unique, so special, so beautiful, filled with so much strength and power. You are stronger than you think, and you are more capable than it seems. You are a strong independent woman, and that often can feel lonely, but you will thrive, and you will conquer. You inspire me to be the woman that I am.

          I love you so much, and again, thank you. I was a mermaid, trapped in the ocean, and it was you, who introduced me to the sky.

Youth V: Sunflower

          People often see sunflowers as happy, bubbly, and a symbol of positivity. Yet we both know that we as people fake those characteristic traits in our lowest and roughest times. I personally see sunflowers as a symbol of desperation. The sunflowers are growing so tall, because they're all trying to receive the warm sunshine, they're all just trying to survive, trying so hard to remain positive, to smile. Sometimes, life isn't all that great, but we have to fake it somehow...

          Me and you both often bound over the hardships of life, and we've watched each other grow as we survive whatever life throws at us. I've personally seen your blossom of maturity, self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of others. Our times in middle school wasn't the best, but I'm glad that we became friends in high school. I'm grateful for you sticking by me after everything, it must've been difficult. I don't really understand why you held on so tightly, is it out of guilt ? Is it out of love ? Is it out of... desperation ? After all, it doesn't matter. I love you, and thank you. Yet it saddens me to see you not being appreciated enough, or being rejected of attention, love, and care. You deserve so much, and sometimes you can be so misunderstood. I know that sometimes it felt like I was trying to push you away, pushing you towards "them", please don't ever think that it's because I don't want you, or that I feel you need to pick one. I just want you to be happy, and personally I don't think people are happy when they're with me...

          I want to make a home for you, a refuge for you when the world gets too heavy, when reaching for the sunlight becomes too tiring. I want to be your place of comfort. I want you to know that you can always come to me, that I'll be here for you no matter what. You are loved, you are cared, and I know that sometimes it seems that we're unlovable. But I love you, and we shall not only survive together, but we shall thrive.

          I love you so much, keep in touch ! Good luck in college, I believe in you.

Youth IV: Lavender

         The Lavender... the calming blues, the soft purples... the soothing smell of comfort.

          You know, I used to dislike the lavender flowers, thought that they were too... plain ? I thought that there weren't much to them. Yet I was wrong, just like how you used to say to me how you think you aren't deep enough, how you think you aren't experienced enough compared to some of us. See, that's the beauty, that you may not have experience some of the hardships of this world yourself, but you have a heart of compassion, you care so selflessly, and you open your arms up to sympathize with the others. The most wonderful part of these lavenders are the incredible scent, so calming, so comforting. It suits you as we all see you as the "mom" in friendships. And though simple, lavenders grow in bushes, how your love and care is so fulfilling, so... enough. Your simplicity is beautifully enough.

          I know we have had our struggles, and our differences. Yet I love you, and I celebrate who you are and everything that you have done for those around you. You are lovely, and you will continue to make this community a better place. Thank you, for taking care of me in times that I need. Thank you, for being the wonderful person that you are. Thank You.

          I wish you all the best in your post-secondary studies, and hopefully we can keep in touch somehow. It's difficult, and we all need space and time to grow, so I think we can agree that a lot of unfortunate things have happened that'll need more time to heal. Though, I have and will always appreciate you and everything that you are.

Youth III: Jasmine

          The Jasmine flowers, white, elegant, and sitting still, displaying such calm, and depth.

          You are exactly that, yet at times you can be the extreme opposite. You are so intelligent, with such beautiful, deep thoughts, often hidden under those thick hair of yours. Your sense of humour is dark, sarcastic, yet still charming. Unlike the other girls, I already started missing you. I miss you so much, but I'm so happy for you, as I can see how happy you are at your new school. You have to really thrive in some aspects of your life, both socially and academically. And I'm always here if you need anything. I know you're often very introverted and not someone who would share many things, or that you don't think you have anything worth sharing. This has always made me nervous as I felt as though you weren't comfortable enough to open up to me. I really hope that's not the case, because I love you and you are so so wonderful, I'm happy I got to meet you while you were still at the high school we all went to.

          You are independent, and you know what's best for you. There's no doubt that you will succeed, and you will excel in the things you pursue in.
          I love you, and I hope to catch up soon~

          The best of luck to you for post-secondary, and even though you suck at texting back,
          I still love you !!!

Youth II: Marigolds

          You two are so different, yet both just equally as beautiful and inspiring.

          One of you is a girl who cares, someone who truly cares about me, about the world, about life. You are so filled with love and talent, it makes me smile just thinking about you. Yet somehow I always find you when you're in your lowest times, I've lost count of the times I've seen you crying in the washroom. You are so selfless, so giving to the world. We don't deserve you, we really don't. Your talent inspires me as a dancer, and as a person. Watching you dance is like watching the stars, it's like watching a marigold blossom in Spring. You, are the beauty of this world that gives me the strength to be myself. Remember when you saw me in the hallway the day after Trump got elected and started crying ? You are such an amazing ally towards the LGBTQ+ community, you are so passionate for those around you, I wish I can be more like you. You, are a treasure in this world, and I'm lucky to call myself a friend of yours. I know you will go off to do great things. You will shine, and I wish you happiness along with your success.

          The other one of you is a girl who've watched me grow as a singer, as a dancer, and as a person. We started out in vocal class together in Grade 9 and moved up to the major class together. We bounded over our love for the musical "Wicked", and we would always fight over who gets to play Elphaba. Obviously, even though it pains me to admit it, you would play her. You're so talented, and kind, and hardworking. You inspire me, but not just me, you inspire the world around you. You are a star who is shining brighter than the sun yet still remains humble like the moon. I have no doubt that you would go off to do great things in life, because you're one of the most hardworking, most passionate people I know in the arts field. Keep Shining, and I wish you so much happiness ! You deserve to be loved and treated as kindly as how you treat the world.

          You both are just so amazingly talented and wonderful. I am truly honoured and lucky to have met you. Thank you for loving me, for being my friend, and for being the lovely people that you both are. I hope that we'll all stay in touch and shall always be there for each other~

Youth I: Rose

          Red, a colour of Passion, Sexuality, and Strength.

          You were the first friend I made in high school, I remember you with your long curly red hair, your all-black aesthetic, and your cool-edgy attitude. You were my friend when I was a "boy", and you are still my friend now after me coming out. You have always been an inspiration of mine, a strong independent woman who is sexually liberated. A woman who is not afraid to speak her mind and refuse to take on people's bullshit. You know how to protect yourself, against this world that often can be so cruel and unforgiving. You seem to understand me and my insecurities better than most people around me, you act like you don't care but you do. You care so much, you have such passion within you when you look at the world. It's beautiful, you're beautiful.

          When I think of a a power and strong woman, I think of you. You are a rose with thorns, you are a fighter. You are hilarious, as I always laugh my ass off when I'm with you. You are extraordinary, talented, and so effortlessly beautiful and bright. Remember our New York trip ? Remember how we said that we would go off to New York after high school and be roommates ? Remember how it changed to Toronto instead ? Things have changed so much and we got along with different people, yet when I needed someone to go to, you are still always there, with your arms open. For that I will be forever grateful. Thank You so much for loving me for the way I am, Thank You so much for being my friend, Thank You.

          The end of High School is upon us and we will go our separate ways, we will both be off doing great things I'm sure. Yet we shall stay in touch ! I love you so much, Thank You for making the four years of High School so wonderful.

The End of High School

          It is officially the end of High School ! I never thought this day would come, but here we are. WE MADE IT !!! The last 4 years have been a roller coaster ride, I have grown so much as a student, and a person in general. Most people have seen the worst of me, and some were lucky enough to see the best of me. Are these really the "best years of our lives" ?! God I hope not. Let's pray that we will continue to rise and thrive in the future.

          I have so much to say, yet so little time... So I'll be doing a series call "Youth" starting after this, featuring some of the most influential girl-friends that I've made during these four years. It will be an emotional series, giving thanks and sending love to those who have been there for me and have inspired me. Without them, I would not be the woman that I am today.

          Before that, I want to just talk a little bit about my high school, a place that has always welcomed me with open arms. And for that, I will never be able to express how thankful I am, how much that means to me personally especially even after I came out. Also, even though I'm pretty sure the Arts program killed billions of my brain cells, I am so honoured to have been able to take part of this amazing Integrated Arts Program. I came into the school in grade 9, only majoring Visual Art, yet now I am proudly to say that I am graduating as a Visual Art major, Vocal Music major, Drama minor, and Dance minor. I have truly found my Art, and my Art is Activism. Through the areas of the arts, I was able to learn and gain different skills to apply into my work as an Activist. With Visual Art, I found myself studying the world around me, the relationships, the emotions...etc. I saw the world as a masterpiece, still yet to be finished, and it may never be perfect, but we will get there, we will try our best, we will all work on it, together. With Drama, I overcame my stage-fright, my insecurities with public speaking and owning space, claiming my presence. With Vocal Music, I found my voice, and I will continue to fight for those who's voice have been oppressed and silenced. Finally, with dance, an area that I've just started to explore earlier this year, an art form that I've been dreaming about ever since I was a little kid. Over the years, I've lost myself, unable to accept and embrace my body physically. Coming out as Trans was the first step, and dancing was the second. I'm learning to love my physical self through the dance movements and choreography, and I am so happy that the dance teachers looked past my lack of experience and gave me such opportunities.

          Thank You, to all the efforts of the dedicated teachers and wonderful students for making my High School years so rich, so full-of-memories, so beautiful, so... FABULOUS. Sending nothing but Love to all Graduates !

Senior Prom

          Prom just happened, and it was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. Everyone looked and hopefully felt beautiful, the night filled with joy and fun. It felt like the night would never end, and to myself I thought: This is the Eternal Youth, this is the Teenage Magic.

          Yet, there's still so much anxiety, so much self-doubt... I won the student-voted award of Sassiest Senior, and when my name was called, I strutted to the front of the dance floor, in my giant fluffy red ball gown. Though to be honest, I am not the sassiest senior student in the school, I am not the most confident, I am not the funniest. I know that isn't who I am but a mask, a character to hide my insecurities, my traumas, my struggles. But when my name was called, it felt so natural, it became an instinct, I slipped into my character right away and gave yet another convincing performance. Oh how my alter-ego has consumed me. An alter-ego in which I have created to overcome my stage-fright in grade 9, to feel less socially awkward, to mold myself into a crowd-favourite, an adored and dehumanizing queer-stereotype. This blog is to prove that not everything is what it seems, that behind the glitter fabulousness, I am still struggling, I am still wounded, I am still... human.

          I kept on dancing and dancing, until I see my old friends across the dance floor, the ones whom I have opened myself up to, whom I had stripped down of my alter-ego to exposed myself to... Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I bared myself naked, and I started to drown, but none of them knew how to help, none of them knew how to be there for me. And I became a "bad friend" because I wasn't able to be stable enough. I was "toxic" for calling out transphobic and misogynistic behaviour, I was "dramatic" for my mental health issues, I was... almost it seemed unable to be loved. We made promises to each other, that we would fight against the darkness, yet what happens when I become the darkness itself ? What happens if I got consumed by the darkness within me ? I felt so anxious and down I had to step out of the room, I went out to the patio to get some fresh air. I just feel so unlovable. Am I not good enough of a person ? What is wrong with me ?

          I'm getting better though, along with my medications and therapy, I'm coping. The battle against mental health is not over, and I will survive. I have to. Yet looking back, seeing all the things and the people that I have lost from just trying to survive is more than difficult. And it seems like no matter how much I've tried, I will never shed the image of my alter-ego, some people can never see me differently now. It's upsetting but it's okay, I'm graduating anyways. I'll get a chance to start over in university, to be more stable, to be more real, and to be more happy.

          Thank You to those who have celebrated Prom with me, it was an honour and an absolute pleasure. I had so much fun, and it was truly a magical night.

Solitude.

          Am I falling in love with the state of solitude ?

          Or am I drowning in the state of solitude ? I can no longer tell the difference...

          A mental breakdown... I screamed for my mom to stop the car, I threw myself out of the car, and I watched her and my brother drove away... I was alone, on the side walk out in the middle of nowhere, but I had to get out, out of that space filled with transphobia and violence. I found myself crying, alone, trying to call or text someone for help. My phone had 5% of battery left, and it felt like a waste of time scrolling through my contacts, no one could help me. The thought of having nobody to go to in a time of crisis just made me cry even more, harder, louder... Yet I still managed to collect myself, because strangers were walking by, and I had to present myself well. I had to look okay, I had to be okay. I forced myself to slowly walk to the nearest bus stop I could find, yet I didn't want to go home. I didn't know where I could go. I sat, alone under the bus stop shelter, watching buses go by, crying, screaming, desperately trying to find my place in the world. What is my purpose ?

          I know it's dramatic, yet I find myself helpless in times like this, and I'm forced to be reminded that I'm only 17. I'm still just a high school senior student, and going around to schools, talking about my coming out journey, spreading awareness for the LGBTQ+ community can be extremely emotionally-draining. Especially if some schools do Q&A where students ask some very personal questions in regards to my family life, my social life, and my mental health. Don't get me wrong, I love the work of Activism, and I am absolutely for the opportunities that I'm given, yet it's tiring, and sometimes it feels like I'm taking on the world all alone. And it really sucks when I find myself so lonely, so helpless when I'm so emotionally, mentally weak, when I just need someone to hug me, to comfort me, to tell me that it'll all be okay... 

          This state of solitude, so beautifully strong, so fiercely independent, yet behind it all, I am still sensitive and soft. After all, I'm still... wounded. I will be okay, I have to be somehow. I will rise, and I will learn, I will continue to survive. 

          And together we shall not only survive, but we will thrive.

          "Love will not heal me, but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself."

- Healing, Nayo Jones