Crazy City Cunt v.s. Capitalism

CW/TW: mentions of mental health, suicidal ideation,

poverty, racism, and transphobic violence

          Im afraid of the cynicism it takes for a tranny of colour to survive the city... I say stay soft so we don't break, but how do you stay soft without rotting when they wrap barbwires on trees ? A sister/mentor once said to me: "One of the reasons I love you is because you smell the truth off of everything... I know from experience, as you do, that it's not easy to be a feeling person in this world." So a femme of feelings, going crazy and already clinically sad, rotting of chills and shades in a city that cries with sirens... Sometimes my mind still wonders of ways to die, replaying visuals of overdosing pills and walking in front streetcars - playing with darkness. A trans woman of colour wanders the downtown at midnight searching of moonlight, waiting for answers, for death...

          Less than two weeks of settling in and a call to house and support a black trans sister in need, running into the rain and streets of Tkaronto to find a friend of friends that I've only met once. Serving, caring, reaching out for resources and planning collective solidarity/action - we must all practice walking the talk while looking out for those in need and most vulnerable. Another sister joked about me having to cry silently at night now while caring for/rooming someone else. The truth is that I'm not mentally/financially well/stable enough to support much, but this is how trans women of colour survive, together and by each others side. Along the way I had learn sisterhood and self-motherhood as tools of collective thrive, while promising myself and my communities that no one gets left behind. And still I pray/beg for compassion and empathy from even within communities of marginalization, as we have been all too invested individually wether of survival or for "success".

          Instead of hiding my scars to serve, I wish to heal for us... I want power, but not how the world knows and understand it. Instead of being known for what I'm doing, I wish to be known for being/feeling/becoming. I want us to do enough, I want us to be enough, I want us to feel enough... I must continue (re/un)learning joy thus to heal for change/justice. I must cry a thousand rivers more if it means to water the soils after planting the seeds. We must dare to have hope, and reimagine love and peace no matter the pains... Though tonight I'm holding myself closer, crying a little louder, and embracing uncertainties tighter - I admit that I am tired, too often neglecting my worth/needs while taking on responsibilities passed down by communities/others. I say I'm here when no one else can be, but who will be here for me or for those after that I'm gone ? Why is it the same people always at the front-lines ? And how will I/we survive better, to serve/support better ?

"I crave a meaningful life of gasping in wonder... a riveting life of panting in heat... 

a ticklish life of chuckling and hollering... a sweet life of sighing and star gazing... 

a soft life of whispering and kissing... 

A life where the words 'I Can’t Breathe' just means 

I’ve been laughing a little too hard and I need to calm down. 

A life where I am granted the freedom to use more of 

my energy exploring myself, my community, and the world around me — 

rather than dedicating so much of that precious energy to 

protesting, challenging, and suffering white supremacy...

Let me breathe." - Princess Bouton

          They say be a storyteller, a care-giver, or a healer during these times, but why not be all ? I wish to care and heal as I connect stories. I wish to continue sharing our pains and our joys; I pray to keep on living despite hurting, surviving, and dying. I wish to become powerful through soft love, to become deeper within only to contribute widely... The privileges of flowing through the in-betweens, smoking a cigarette with tranny sisters talking of crisis-care next steps and joking on death, while the next day smoking a joint with cis-students complaining of boredom. People of institutional privileges question my beliefs/actions in abolishing the police, redistributing my income, and having too much on my plate, but the real issue here is passive/performative allyhood and folks thinking that two weeks of reposting #BlackLivesMatter is enough. Black and femme folks are still dying/mourning; trans folks are still murdered while denied of health-care/shelters. Black trans folks, especially femmes, deserve so much more. I don't understand how people have grown to be so apathetic/complicit, I don't know how to teach care and love if people are hesitant/afraid/refusing to feel... How can we heal ? I'm losing patience for teaching/sharing with crises around/within me - how do I maintain grace ? I'm becoming exhausted with empty commitments and selfish excuses of "self-care" from non-black/native/queer/trans, neurotypical, and non-suicidal people only for joys/peace never shared. I'm tired of BIPOC and trans peoples carrying our own pains while searching for healing and peace, I want us to be more responsible for our collective joys while "allies" step up to fight for the pains and injustices... Though I am let down in disappointment again and again - why I say I don't have friends but only sisters, chosen-families, and partners-in-crime, I wonder why I've continued hope in the same people who suggested going to the police after I was assaulted/ra*ed.

"Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable.

Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness.

Your anger is a part of you that loves you..."

          Thus we love and work harder, we try and try again, we plan, we organize, we try to find peace among uncertainties; thus we search for softness and joy. Im afraid of the cynicism it takes for a tranny of colour to survive the city, but then I remind myself of how it is love and community that got me here and alive today. My understandings of survival has always been collective, and may my storytellings be soft evidences of truth and experiences/encounters. And it is to carry each other's bodies when sore and tired, as it is to carry each other's laughter while relearning joy, that we survive this together... I felt as if I cried a lake from last night til today - drowning from survival guilt, depression, PTSD, and anxieties, wondering and planning of what more I can do without starving, exhaustion, and/or dying. I pray for healing, I mediate on community, and I continue active allyhood with care... Always balancing lines of the in-betweens, and while at the intersections of privilege and oppression, I ask myself - is my justice and healing not worth it too ? I've got so much to learn and let go, I must continue listening to/following those who have survived before and have continued to survive, organize, and thrive, both in self-preservation community support/solidarity. And instead of neglecting myself of rest/joy, I want to still manifest joy and healing for sharing. We've come to know our grief and loneliness so well, thus we must also remind ourselves of hope, of how we got here and how far we've come - only to go further for a breath, together...

what are the colours of leaves from branches wrapped in barbwires ?

how do flowers still bloom while wilting ?

and are we still breathing even though rotting ?
...

In a world where my existence and our pride are ongoing threats,

take care and take rest, as 

the revolution needs us after to rebuild the world again... 

          Rest in power and ever soft peace Chantel Moore, Dominique Fells, Riah Milton, and Oluwatoyin (Toyin) Salau. Say their names and demand/act for justice.

Community Resources/Actions:

#BlackTransLivesMatter - Solidarity

Prisoner Emergency Support Fund

Support for family of Chantel Moore

NABL Black & Indigenous 2SLGBTQ Fund

Sending Riah home

Intersections of Disability & Race

Grief Is a Black Trans Femme 

Why I Don't Have Friends

          What are friendships ? And how do they align/contrast/intersect with other forms of relationships through a shared socio-personal intimacy ? From birth and since the possibilities of communication/comprehension, we learn to navigate the world through socialization; we learn new perspectives beyond oneself along the way as we grow/develop in contexts of the socio-economical, personal/political, geographical, and even the historical/cultural realities that we experience both individually and collectively. Thus the question of friendship has always intrigued me, as an immigrant-settler moving from such family-centered/oriented/dominated cultural ideals to colonized Turtle Island built so violently towards capitalistic individuality. Yet on top of it all: how do you navigate being the only trans person in a room after being the only POC/immigrant in the room, while still being the only fat person in that room... Through the privileges of basic survival and safety in North America, I find myself building self-awareness, confidence, and actualization while at the same time becoming more bitter and discouraged with the socio-political realities that I witness and have the access of experiencing. It has been clear to me that bonds of friendly relations (especially through puberty/teenagehood: the most socially-impressionable ages of character-development and through cis-heteronormative society under a colonial-capitalistic context) are dominated by norms of binary-gendered behaviours, thus the paradox of friendship as well as its dilemmas with socialization beyond labeling/belonging continues.

          A qualitative research on "Transgender Friendship Experiences: Benefits and Barriers of Friendships across Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation" (2014) reflects that "although participants were asked to describe unique friendship benefits and barriers with individuals of different identities, many of their responses resonated with the way friendship has been described in the general friendship literature. General features of friendships include having someone to talk to, emotional support, acceptance, and shared experiences (Duck, 1991; Rawlings, 1992). Participants described their friendships similarly but usually transgender specific experience was central to their definitions of support, acceptance, and experiences. For example, instead of having someone to talk to, a benefit expressed by transgender participants was can talk about transgender issues. Articulation of friendship benefits and barriers made it clear that transgender identity was salient to how participants were defining 'experiences.'" It is crucial to explore/analyze such socio-political relations/realities through marginalized experiences of "non-normative" perspectives not in the light of identity politics, but for the love of transformative justice/inclusion/community as well as dismantling systematic notions of "normality". Especially when experiencing social discrimination, marginalization, and/or levels of exclusion on a daily as well as even rejection/abuse from the biological notions of "family" through childhood/adolescence, the discussion of friendships complicates as we often view friendly bonds within communities of shared trauma to be our chosen families. So if my trans/gender-variant and racialized siblings are not my friends, who is ? And again, what are friendships anyway ? Of course I have many cis-heteronormative allies throughout the circumstances of life, some I would even feel guilty for when I say I have no friends... but what about the bonds and loyalties so rooted in gendered solidarity in the name of binary segregation ? How can I truly befriend and trust when most of times they mention "girls" they don't think of girls like me... girls like us ? Sure we can continue in respectful, or even friendly encounters, but if my woman/femmehood is not recognized/honoured, I can't help but wonder of my humanity when their privileges/comforts are challenged down the line.

          I remember when I first came to Canada starting middle-school: the only out-and-queer immigrant kid, chubby and feminine, being told that I would be gay if I befriend girls but told I was not masculine or "normal" to hang out with the boys. I remember coming out as gay and cis-white girls befriending me as their GBF, but then I also remember losing friends in high school after coming out as trans... From the results and discussions from the research cited above, there are about "eight benefits and six barriers... expressed in reference to cisgender and heterosexual (normative) friends when compared to transgender and sexual minority (non-normative) friends" (2014). Yet what is truly interesting is of how patterned the responses are (to me as a trans-feminine person anyways) between the listed benefits: "(1) helps me feel 'normal'; (2) transgender/sexuality issues do not dominate conversation and friendship; (3) validation more powerful from someone with normative identity; (4) more opportunity for friendship due to larger population; (5) emotionally stable; (6) helps me present as identified gender ('pass'); (7) offers more diverse perspectives and interactions; and (8) opportunity to educate about transgender experience" and the listed barriers: "(1) not knowledgeable on issues of gender, sex, and privilege; (2) insensitive use of language in reference to identity; (3) difficult to talk about transgender/sexuality issues; (4) fosters feelings of discomfort; (5) not understanding non-normative experience; and (6) fewer shared experiences". Such data is helpful to analyze the struggles of gender-diversity within socialization, yet again of the marginalization/tokenization in academia of trans experiences as subjects for research when the premise of normality and definitions of friendship are clearly set in a cis-binary context, perspective, and understanding. Most of the "benefits" listed are merely coping mechanisms of survival (social assimilation) while the "barriers" experienced with "cisgender and heterosexual friends" are still too similar to the violent microaggressions we face from the general cisgender public of majority/normality... So now I ask myself, is befriending the status quo worth the pains of mental marginalization ? Can the isolation of experiences be justified for the sakes of connection through socio-political/economical convenience ? Allies don't need to be friends but do friends need to be allies ?

          "Why I don't have friends" is a statement of challenge I propose to the public as I strongly believe that we have yet to understand what friendships are and have the potentials to be. And yet I must not neglect of the work that came before: the attempts of revolutionizing gendered relations and the strives towards intimacy beyond labels. I also have to give credit to the love and continuous (un)learning from allies around, even if I have not personally gotten the support that I need at times. "An opportunity to educate about [my] transgender experience" is not a benefit to me, but rather a labour of tokenization as it furthers the segregation of gendered experiences. Vidhya Rajput is "a transgender activist [who] has emerged as a leader in a gathering rights revolution in India but she still has an 'ache for love'" (2019). I wish to softly manifest her essence across the globe, sister to sister, my oceans rising passionately to her powerful moonlight: a declaration of how her "loneliness keeps [her] going"... As our loneliness keeps us going, fighting, and dreaming.

Research/Article References:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0959353514526218
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/22/world/asia/india-transgender.html

The Truth: University/"Higher Education"

          I am a trans woman of colour standing at the intersections of visibility and violence; I am surrendering my strength to softness, humbling myself for the magic of my heart and spirit would not be in its glory without the black and indigenous mothers and femmes, as well as the 2SLGBTQ+ elders that have came and fought before me... As a settler-immigrant surviving in a colonial-capitalist state, I wish to acknowledge the complicity of my being, the privileges of my access, and the possible violence of my ignorance as I continue to learn/unlearn/grow. It is the aim to come together as a decolonizing collective to dismantle institutional powers of the patriarchy through socio-political freedom of the mind, reform of education, and a firm foundation of compassion politics for the equity and justice of all marginalized peoples.

          I am exhausted, of fighting for belonging within a system that's not built for equity and inclusion; I am tired of defending complicity for the performative possibility of change; I am disgusted with shallow lip-services of identity politics, with diversity being for the sake of exploitive representation, and with justice being said for the sake of expression but never action... Education towards Liberation loses its meaning: when they handcuffed a student for feeling suicidal; when they teach critical thinking without knowing action; when students die for believing their worth as GPA numbers; when they say higher learning without knowing unlearning; when they say transphobic violence is not for discipline under student code of conducts; when more than enough students of the ranked "top University of Canada" have experienced instability of housing, food, (mental) health, and the social/medical/psychological resources of support needed but they still say congratulations.

          I would understand even if fellow youths/students of academia disagree, but I dare to state the truth as what we know as institutional higher learning is not real: it is not the education built for unity and collective liberation. Yet with acknowledgement to my traumas with systematic oppression, I urge for those able to survive and thrive under such systems to let go of the false powers of knowledge productions and the connections/privileges of colonial-capitalist/elitist access. And if access is truly needed, then may we not lose a second of strive to decolonize/dismantle the institution while navigating through such systems for change. I believe in education through compassionate politics and equity, thus why I say such violent and labouring fight for resources/access is not true education/higher learning for the emotional and empathetic intelligence needed of liberating impact... 

          Though on a self-reflective and confessional note: I am still fighting to keep myself in academia, for perhaps foolish and hopeless potentials of change and "success", but still failing and hurting from the battles/ barriers of visibility as violence. Maybe I'm afraid of leaving this war with the institutions; perhaps the uncertainty of social dynamics as well as the socio-political and economic stigmas against those "uneducated" still haunts me and my generational lineage... as no matter how she screams death to systematic violence, she has been made part of them... The truth is that the people are not relating to her words no longer, even if they understand and feel the struggle. She asks herself of how she can truly serve the people without knowing their language and sharing their struggles ? bell hooks once said that she "came to theory because [she] was hurting," and as I came to the philosophical studies of humanities on gender and social equity/justice for the pains of surviving as a trans woman of colour, I soon realized that theory is there indeed for us to comprehend the struggles of our existence; however, theory is not of healing nor liberation. I am a femme giving birth to myself, a storyteller searching for softness and for where the light pours in... And I am afraid that such compassionate justice is not buildable through the rotting hierarchies of complicity, that it is not sound for flowers forcing blossoms when showered with acid and planted in poison, that students deserve better, and that youths must begin to build our own tables, creating access and possibilities for the sanity of ourselves, for the honour of those before, and for the glory of those after us...

"Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society's definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference -- those of us who are poor, who are lesbians, who are Black, who are older -- know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths. 
For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. 
They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master's house as their only source of support." - Audre Lorde

Concerning Violence & Survival

CW/TW: violence

          "Are you okay ? What's wrong ?"
Define "okay" and tell me what isn't wrong... I have been staring at this blank draft, wondering of the meaning to my words, and the purpose of my story. Yet I must write, for then I might finally stop crying...

          Capitalism forces a sex worker who’s just been raped on Saturday to seek more work on the Monday after. She knows of crying on the weekends for rest and crying on the weekdays for work. Colonialism taught us that there was no freedom compared to the development of some, Capitalism now teaches us that there is no freedom compared to the development for some.

          A trans woman of colour, a miracle for how she drags a dead body to class. Crying uncontrollably from her bed to the bathroom, she promises herself that she'll be okay, even knowing the possibility of peace within if she just drop dead. Yet guilt is what makes it unbearable, the guilt for mourning a body that still breathes with other trans women/femmes being murdered. As a survivor from times and times again, I feel as if someone else is wearing my body. I do not know of where I am nor why I am... Yet I am already so privileged and lucky, and I apologize to my next breath for I do not give this life justice. I am so sorry to the world, for my incapability of spreading love and life that so many around me deserve. I am sorry as I wish to give this stolen soil more than just my tears, to give the hurting more than just safe spaces, to give the breaking more than just solidarity, to give the loving more than just me. I apologize, as I wish to give so much more, still waiting for the world to embrace me back, softly... And perhaps it is too selfish, to imagine love, to imagine safety, to fantasy a home, and to seek for softness among such cruelty.

          Capitalism forces the meaning out of friendships, out of relationships, out of love, and care... as no one is able to even save themselves. What do I say, to "friends" when they ask if I'm okay ? How do I answer, to "lovers" when they ask me what's wrong ? They have nothing to offer, but to share my pains and burdens. As I have told my psychiatrist, speaking of my circumstances does not seem productive... I wish I can shake off the teachings of Capitalism, but like a disease it eats you from the inside out. I wish to not feel worthless when I have not sent out at least a job application a day. I wish to not feel useless when I can not pay for my own meal. I wish to not... feel such heaviness for simply just breathing.

          concerning violence and survival... are you okay ? 

          Life, feels like it's only meant for some. I wonder of the people enjoying their summers, traveling, with what is known to be families and friends. I wonder of the people, working and trying to enjoy their summers, appreciating the weekends and the little money sustaining their social lives. Is that happiness ? Is happiness as we know it even accessible ? I wonder of the people struggling, but still enjoying their summers, trying to forget, trying to cope, trying to be, happy. Or as happy as we can be I guess with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Thus I wonder of myself, as I don't know how to go to class, appointments, write essays, seek for jobs, for shelter, for love, for myself, and for happiness all at the same time... Maybe I've just been weak and lost. I have no one to blame but for myself, as no one takes care of me but me. I'll be okay, I have to be...

Open Letter to U of Toronto/Transphobia

An Open Letter to the University of Toronto(Tkaronto)/Transphobia,

          This is an open letter to the system, thus an equity concern for all. Today a Tuesday in July, about 5 months after traumatic incidents of transphobia at the Scarborough campus, the University reached out for a follow-up meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans. They have informed me that the student code of conduct fails to recognize my case, however they will still move forward to meet with this particular student to emphasize the University’s stance of equity. Yet the issue is what stance of equity ? I had to remind the staff in the meeting of how this is not the first transphobic incident that I have encountered in my just 2 years of study. The student code of conduct works like a slap on the wrist, how has the University actually taken steps to protect students of marginalization while experiencing discriminatory injustices ?

          What concerns me even more is the fact that I was suggested a possibility through the Sexual Violence procedure and policies for a more serious and equitable consequence and was also reminded with emphasis that the code of conduct was written too long ago. So not only do the equity and diversity adviser and dean realize and admit to the institution’s outdated policies, but have no solutions and steps-in-action for updates ? It seems that unless it concerns of a physical conflict, the student code of conduct fails to provide any equitable solutions with immediate action/change. And the University rather have me accuse a student of sexual violence than to hold them accountable of transphobia ? It seems bizarre to other students but to me it just shows that the University’s lack of understanding and agency towards a safer space on campus for all. It is also concerning that the student code of conduct seems to prioritize over the offender's intent rather than the impact as I was told that the reason why the code fails to recognize such incidence is due to the hate speech was never meant to be public or be directed towards me. However, such reasoning also fails to recognize that the student in question was in a group chat alongside other students which have all gathered for a political purpose. Thus in a response to my social-political presence and work on campus, the hate speech was made to not only attack my character, but also my work. And at the time during the winter semester, was I not also working on campus for the student body as well as the University under the principal’s office ? As a concerned student, I also wonder of the treatments towards marginalized staff and faculty as I also know of the limitations often put upon roles of equity within such system. Yet beyond me and my concerns, such equity crisis is possible to any person. Even if a student file a compliant through the sexual violence procedure on campus for an assault, as a student who have worked at the UTSC Sexual Violence Prevention & Support Centre as well as a peer who know many who have accessed the services that I know that such process can take months of consultation/investigation with also a possibility towards inaction/unaccountability.

          There is a pattern, of equity failure. There is a pattern, of policies not upholding the claimed equity mandates, of procedures continue to retraumatize victims/survivors with no promises of change and/or support. Today a Tuesday in July, I sat in a meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans with silences filling the room as I asked the question of, how can we ensure the safety of students accessing their right of education when we also allow students with violent ideologies to take up such space ? And how authentic is such institution’s claim of an “LGBTQ+ positive space” ? These students involved with the transphobic incidents have also made appearances to the Pride events on campus, and people wonder why there was barely any queer and trans students attending. The dean said to have ideas for more LGBTQ+ events, but how can we expect queer and trans students to come out when we can’t protect them ? Making visibility is not making change, we have to make change first then give such visibility. Otherwise is it not all but a performance ? And speaking of performance, I wonder why such process of meeting has not been communicated through email, and as personal as such incident can be, there were also no note-taking in today’s meeting. Other student leaders told me that I should have had a peer went with me as a supporting witness so the University doesn't attempt to “sweep things under the rug”. I hope for us to understand that such distrust among students, even if it’s mistaking the lack of solution for the lack of action, is the bitter outcry of students in crisis, especially of student leaders/activists in burnout. May such uncertainty towards the current system help spark the agency for change.

          People of no matter what age, birth/race/colour, status/class, sex, gender identity/expression, sexual/romantic orientation, religious/spiritual practices/beliefs, political/social/personal ideals, physical/developmental/mental/emotional well-being/ability, deserve the access and their rights to education. And I believe that it is our duty, and especially the institution's as well as the student union’s, to protect all students facing any systematic barriers due to social-political circumstances that may come with identities/experiences of marginalization. The dean today said that they still believe in the social power and benefits to visibility, and I agree. Yet due to the lack and change and the trans-tokenization of myself in the last 2 years that I have given to this institution, I wish to work with the University differently if given the chance and space. Rather than collaborating on events and short-term campaigns, my goals for the University to develop new policies/procedural codes for concerns of equity and inclusion. Of course with specific solutions concerning various marginalization ie. violence against gender identity/expression. Even with workshops, guidelines, and policies for all staff, faculty, to protect students from misgendering in classrooms and while accessing on-campus services. Similarly to the policy launch regarding the rights and safety of transgender students/staff with the Waterloo District School Board that I was fortunate enough to be involved with years ago, the focus is really on reeducating educators for a more equitable and inclusive education. It does not have to be just me nor does such actionable change need to include me at all as long as it is lead by authentic voices of the targeted communities. Yet I do not expect much from the University knowing not only of the history of inequitable policies (ie. the Mandated Leave of Absence Policy) passed even with critiques from the Ontario Human Rights Commission, but also knowing the possible queer/transphobia that lies within the administrative/policy-making staffs.

          In my first year of University, students posted a video filled with intoxicated transphobic hate speech, calling me an “it”. In my second year of University, students joked about my body as a transgender woman publicly online, wishing their chat never got leaked. Imagine waking up to students publications posting words said about me without my consent/knowledge, imagine campus becoming a battlefield of identity politics. I know of too many students who have left their education due to marginalization, and of too many queer and trans students feeling unsafe and ready to leave our campuses.

What is the University of Toronto/Transphobia doing ? What is the University not doing ?

Also, the University of Toronto is currently one of the institutional supporters across North America (Turtle Island) on the Thirty Meter Telescope (TMT) project, an invasive proposed astronomical observatory with its planned location being Mauna Kea, sacred to the Native Hawaiian people and culture. When will the University start prioritizing people over profit ?

The Downfall of Student Advocacy...

          I'd like to acknowledge the stolen land in which I write this from, Toronto is in the "Dish with One Spoon Territory", a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been said to be invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. And I wish to continue learning/unlearning through the steps of decolonization, as well to honour the elders and uphold the teachings that came before us.

          A gender and psychoanalysis professor at the University of Toronto said that she didn't believe in revolutions, and after hearing her declare such again and again... I stayed after class to ask, why ? As a cynically-oppressed and a clinically-depressed transgender woman of marginalized experiences, I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to wake up the next day if not for the hopes of revolutionary change. Yet not even for me and the contexts of my social-political realities, what about the revolutions happening around the globe right now as we speak ? People are fighting, and dying... for change. How can we not believe in such light ? And well, she explained that she doesn't believe in revolutions... here. She said she "didn't think our egos can handle the pain". She spoke of how revolutions call for collective trauma, and then I realized that she does have a point. We live in such privileged societal-circles (especially within institutionalized spaces) where there're so many are upper middle-classed, gaining such access to spaces and "higher learning", that in a sense... we have lost empathy. Maybe that's why I've missed working with elementary schools and high schools on 2SLGBTQ+ education and inclusion. University and College campuses can be so isolating for students, and people are constantly under stress and pressure for their own survival, future, and "success" that I see folks not having the emotional capacities to really care. Such realization really hurts, especially as a student who started working on campus before even started classes...

          Even student advocates and union leaders, most are only there to add titles for their resumes, for popularity, or just for their own social-political self-interests/future career connections. Don't believe me ? Just watch what their next job is. Since the winter semester has ended, alongside with transphobic attacks during the student elections, I say I'm taking a break from campus-work because I want to go out into the community more... Which isn't incorrect, but also I feel quite hopeless. And I won't say that I feel like my work isn't wanted, because I know that my work isn't wanted. Especially as a mad transgender woman of colour, how do I get cis-straight student leaders to care about the queer and trans community ? Everything, is performative. The University of Toronto Scarborough invited me to speak at their flag-raising, with no compensation even when asked, and emphasized to bring a "positive message" ?! The student union was also invited to speak, knew of such mistreatment towards a transgender speaker during Pride and they all still did it... with no trans representations to my knowledge when trans women (ESP BLACK TRANS WOMEN) are the ones responsible for why we have Pride. There is absolutely no shame when it comes to performative allyhood at UTSC. A positive message ? After constant misgendering on campus by both students and staffs, after a group of transphobic students publicly fat-shamed me on their social media last year in residence, after the Scarborough campus not having any physicians with knowledge of trans health-care so I'd need to travel to the other campus to see a doctor and nurse, after the SCSU ran an election with candidates involved in a transphobic cyberbullying scandal, after by-standing candidates get elected and still have the person who made such attacks towards me hanging around in the union's office ?! The University even spoke to me about possibly continuing my involvement in their Positive Space committee, working under the principal's office towards creating safer spaces for LGBTQ students and staffs ??? I can't, being a token has not only starved me, ruined my mental well-being, as well as having to deal with transphobic bullshit, constantly. Working within systems to change its systems can only work if those who hold power are listening and are also ready for change. And UTSC, is not...

          HOWEVER, there is hope. There musts be. Speaking to a peer today really made my heart warm, as there are so many, still hurting, waiting, for change. And there are more than we think, who are ready to act as well, there are also great student activists doing the work, however most of them are also burnt out and often neglected for their radical agency. I have such a love-hate relationship with University Institutions, because it is the students who are the future, and I still very much do believe in revolutions. I don't just believe it, I know it is possible. Radical change, is coming. The fight is still for the people, it will always be. The University of Guelph just announced that they'd be having their first ever Indigenous language course teaching Ojibway, something I've been wishing and vocalizing to witness at the University of Toronto. And of course, I do not need positions/titles to work and serve, especially to fight for change, but she needs to pay rent and eat somehow...

          The downfall of student advocates, is self-interest, and the downfall of student advocacy, is apathy. And the truth is, some people aren't even there yet for empathy. Some people need to unlearn privileged apathy and start with sympathy first. The revolution does call for collective trauma, as there are pains that need to be addressed, but if you would allow yourself to feel and embrace the full spectrum of humanity, the good the bad the ugly... and also allow myself to hold your hand through. I promise you, the journey is worth the glory. I remember ending my speech to a room-full of principals and admins when I help launched the new policies regarding transgender rights and safety with the Waterloo District School Board back in 2017, I said that the communities who are still hurting have been so brave, thus now it is time for the rest of the world to be brave with us.

#UofTDoesntCare

          "How many lives ?"...
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, on stolen land ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, "the best University of Canada" ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, that was never meant for us ?

          The University of Toronto has always attempted to ignore and cover up the mental health crisis on their campuses, which is fundamental to their operation and values. In 2018, the University of Toronto passed the Mandated Leave of Absence, allowing themselves as an institution to determine students' wellness to continue their studies and involvement on campus, putting them on leave (which in certain cases, would revoke an international student's VISA status). They ware forced to revise such policy after violating the Ontario Human Rights Code. The policy passed however, is a raw evidence that the University of Toronto is not interested in caring for students' health and wellness. The policy is a sign of cowardice and cruelty, willing to strip away students' (whom some often have sacrificed so much for being here) rights and access to education as well as on-campus services. The University would rather put students in need on leave, then help them towards recovery...

In 2019, U of T St. George students protest after a third reported suicide.
In 2019, I visited U of T Mississauga and found out that their campus mental health coverage only allowed UTM students to have up to 5 counselling sessions, as if mental illness is gone in 1, 2, 3, 4... 5.
In 2019, I don't have a doctor with the knowledge of trans communities and their medical transitional needs and accommodations to start hormones at U of T Scarborough.
In 2019, students are restless and numb... barely surviving.

Yet how many more lives... does it cost to maintain such institution ?
          White Faculties and Staffs, making money from a sea of colour...
          The University of Toronto is not the best University of Canada, it's the best business disguised as education, with a violently colonial system. Paying white cisgender men to rule, paying white women to teach reconciliation, paying cis women to teach LGBTQ+ studies... Don't say you care about Indigenous rights, teachings, and values but then invest in companies that supports Israel, contributing to the occupation of Palestine. It's time for the University to divest from the three companies: Northrop Grumman, Hewlett Packard, and Lockheed Martin, "to end its involvement in socially injurious activities and violations of international law" (U of T Divest, 2014).

          Even when I was honoured enough to be representing the University to present my research studies in Portugal back in 2018. The cost was supposed to be covered but not due to a number that defines my academic standing as mediocre yet I was travelling internationally teaching and representing this so-called "the best University of Canada" ? Clearly, U of T doesn't care about the students contributions unless it's a number, especially those tuition numbers. U of T as an institution, does not care. U of T is all about business, thus 2 things: profit and press.

          I am here, in pursuit of an education as a marginalized person. I supposed an institution of "higher learning" would have learnt to make education as accessible as possible, but I'm wrong, and they're obviously wrong but doesn't care. Because the University of Toronto can not be the people's house unless it is upheld by people who are truly invested in the students' needs and interests.

          Students are not just numbers producing numbers, students are our present as well as future. It's time to rise up, It's time to take back this institution, to take back our campuses, our education, our rights and freedoms... our future.

Dancing with the System

         I am extremely disappointed right now at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and it's also a sad reality that I unfortunately feel like I need to accept...

Story Time:

I am a student enrolled at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and wanted to take some courses at the St. George campus downtown this summer. (Note: Same University, just different campuses) I knew the rule that we can only take up to 1.0 credit (1 course is usually 0.5 credit) at a different campus before already completed 4.0 credits. After enrolling into 2 courses and paying the tuition, I began going to my classes downtown. 3 weeks after classes have begun, the UTSC Registrar forcibly removed me from one of my classes that's a 0.5 credit and only runs until the end of June. I didn't realize that my other course is actually a full 1.0 credit course. Yet I didn't feel justified because I've been active and participating, I've already wrote my midterm and now also have already submitted my final essay...

So the last few weeks I've been back and forth with the UTSC Registrar and Administration. They told me to submit a petition, which I did, and waited, went back again and they told me they'll semi-approve the petition so it gets to the person above faster to have the final say. I said okay and waited again, then went back today and asked why has it been almost 2 weeks and still nothing ?! I'm still going to this class and preparing for the exam on the 25th and need to be registered for the course on record. My professor has been enjoying my presence in the class and emails me the online readings I can no longer access. So I went in today to have the same white female/femme staff who is friendly yet extremely passive aggressive to tell me that there's nothing they can do after disappearing for like 5-10 mins "talking to their supervisor". They said that unfortunately the petition process can easily take up to 6 weeks and some courses just run for 6 weeks...

Can no one sees the problem in that system then ?! The staff continues to complain under their breath about shortage of staff and how I have the time to sit there and argue. Excuse me ?! I asked if I can meet and speak with the person that has the final say on the petitions and was denied. They wouldn't let me know the person's name or any contact info. Why is there no transparency in this so called "institution of higher learning" ? What is going on. I've emailed several professors, program coordinators, program advisors and even the student union, yet no one seems to know how to help at all... It's unfair, because the course is not full, I'm not taking anyone's place in the classroom, I already paid for the course, bought the textbook, gotten attendance and participation marks, wrote the midterm exam and now just submitted the final essay. Rules should be set in place to help students with their education/career, not stab me in the back while I'm just here trying to get my degree. And it's clear to me that it's all about power; the discourse of rule making creates a reacting discourse of either rule-following, or rule-breaking. I've been seen as an advocate to owning my education and making my own path and rules and I've been denied basic access to information and to just wait. It's a realization that strikes me because these institutions really aren't built for the marginalized, and I feel trapped within the institution where I'm told to just wait and check the online status of my petition regularly... I feel powerless, and sadly defeated. I've also already encountered problems with the UTSC Student Housing staff after an incident of anti-blackness, police threats and abuse of power took place. I gave up meetings and follow-ups with their staff due to the whiteness and hierarchy of power and still am striving as a student leader at the student union and at the UTSC women's and trans centre. And now with my own educational/career-wise plans on the line, it's personal. It's also critical to acknowledge the fact that they have removed a trans woman of colour from a heavily-discussion based course surrounding the topic of gender and sexuality, they are not only preventing me to learn and be successful, they're also devaluing the course itself by erasing diversity and representation.

It makes me anxious, to not have witnessed any transparency or access to more information. I've always been one to challenge the rules and the system, and it was easier back in secondary education when we know who's the principle and the vice-principles, guidance counsellors, we get to see who are the ones with power and authority to make final decisions. I knew my ways to get what I wanted and needed for success and I danced with the system. Yet now, in a post-secondary institution, I've been just denied access to those people above the food-chain. I feel powerless and afraid, no longer know how to dance their choreography. The University is a place that often becomes nothing but systems, records, and a business, thus we get dehumanized to a number, and so currently I'm still waiting... as Petition #PT25072.

Flowers In The Shade...

          I came "home" again this weekend, for pubic speaking/activism work, but also for my official high school commencement/graduation ceremony. I was scared, afraid that I won't be able to handle being here, but I've been coping. I'm doing alright, yet still emotional and at times unstable... Feeling like flowers in the shade, desperate for sunlight, struggling to breathe and survive.

          Being back in this place, especially at a high school event, having to see everyone, brings back unsettling memories. I couldn't help but to think of all that has happened... Friendships ending, falling out, breaking apart. I confess, I'm not innocent, I know I contributed to the tensions and conflict, and even though I've always focused heavily on my feelings and my perspectives, I don't think that I have been excusing any of my actions. The fact that I've lost most of my friends and have gotten so much backlash is me being held accountable, yet when is enough enough ? I agree, that I wasn't and am not the best friend that I can be, I still have a lot to learn and a lot of self-reflections to do. I've been and am still trying to learn how to love, yet that's all I've done, all I did was try to love. People can be so merciless when it comes to antagonizing me and my actions...

          The more I'm learning about power and protest in University, studying about the ways of advocacy and anti-oppression, the more I know that I should not regret most of the things that I did. I was harsh, but I attempted to destroy a systematic-power dynamics in between the group of friends, and of course people got defensive and took things personally and out of context. From the things said and done behind my back, there's a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations, but at this point I'm just tired of explaining myself and trying to protect others' feelings while ignoring my own pains and traumas. Some people aren't gonna get it, and some will say, why should friendships become something so political ? Yet it is, all relationships are, especially when there's an unbalanced power dynamic, and as a transgender woman of colour, I'm just trying to survive. I'm just trying to fight for my power. Does that make me a bad person ? For just trying to survive, and love ? And I know that I can be toxic at times, with my mental health affecting my relationships, yet do I not deserve to be loved, or forgiven ?

          I was so emotionally-unstable the last time I came back, unable to handle being back into a space with such upsetting memories. With my bed as an example, it's difficult for me to go back into a bed where I remembered not being able to get out of, being reminded of the ways I've cried myself to sleep and not having the energy and courage to face the world. Yet, I have to understand that I'm no longer trapped, and I'm no longer the same person that I used to be. I have gone way far and beyond, I have survived and conquered. I am better, stronger, and I am resilient.

          I'll always have nothing but love for those who have left me, I want to send nothing but blessings and positive vibes for their futures without my presence. Furthermore, I am so grateful and blessed to still have many who stood by my side, and I'm so happy to building a community and a life of my own in Toronto as well. Thank You, for those who have cared for me, for those who have loved me. Thank You, for those who have allowed me to care and love you in the ways that I could. I will try to stop blaming myself, for the love I could no longer receive, for the happiness that no longer includes me, for the love that had to leave.

           Flowers in The Shade, though desperate for sunlight,
          shall be their own sunshine, and then blossom, for the world.

Denial.

          Without consulting with a psychological/psychiatrical professional, I stopped taking my medications. I thought, that being here in University, being in a new setting with new people, would make me happier. I thought, that I would be happy... enough.

          I'm struggling to face my mental health issues. I feel like I'm in a state of denial, wanting to be normal, to be just another university student. Within a big institution like this, it feels lonely. It feels lonely because my disability is so invisible. Though I can't let this go on, and I can't just sweep my bad days under the rug, telling people that the reason why I'm missing lectures is me being lazy... It's starting again, not being able to get out of bed, and feeling tired for no reason. I'm scared, and I don't have a strong-enough support system yet here to be like this. I need to get myself together.

          And at times like these, I come to here. I come here, to write, to check in with my feelings, but also to update those around me who cares about my well-being. It's funny, of how personal yet public this is. I promise, that I'm gonna be okay. I have to be.

Homecoming.

          Coming "home"... to this town, is triggering. I find myself starting to shake as I see the familiar street views, I find myself out of breath looking at the house, I find myself wanting to cry, but I don't know why...

          Why shall I drag my tired body into a house of violence ?
          How can I force my tired soul onto a bed where I couldn't get up from ?
          What is this room but a prison of memories ?

          I'm sorry. I've cried too many times here, and I can't do this anymore...
          Sleepless nights, holding my broken pieces alone under the stars...
          This isn't what home suppose to be like.

Let Love Grow...

I drown myself in bleach trying to erase the mistakes that I've made.

Trying to die, just in order to be born again...

Why? Why do I murder myself so mercilessly,

Why do I feel the need to birth myself once more?

Who am I but a child, a creation of Mother Nature,

Who am I to have the power to birth myself again?

"You can be better. And I want you to be a better person..."

"But you fucked up here, with me, with everyone else..."

"So take this pill, and apply it to others."

Onto the sandy beach, and into the fresh cold water

I asked for cleansing...

Under the stars, and lit by the soft moonlight

I begged for forgiveness...

How, how can I be a good person?

How, how can I be a better person?

How, how can I be perfect?

How can I be loved?

I've tried to make a home out of myself,

yet whenever one leaves,

I burn the house down.

If one doesn't love me, then I must do better.

I must start over...

It's tiring... to start over.

I won't this time, I promise.

I will learn to grow flowers out of my scars,

and to water the wounds.

Let Love Grow within,

then Blossom.

          Thank You, to everyone who have helped me grow, and those who have stood by me through this journey of self-discovery. I'm off to University now, starting a new chapter of my life, a new adventure. I will hope to continue as an Activist spreading awareness for Queer and Trans Inclusiveness. And I will also continue to practice Self-Care and Self-love, yet it isn't a fast-moving process. My Mental Health has been getting better finally, and I'm full of emotions knowing that I'll be moving to the Greater Toronto Area for University of Toronto Scarborough. It's an exciting time, but also an anxious one, I'll try to keep you all updated by continue to write and post !