The Okay List

          Lately things have been... messy. I have been quite busy and I've not been eating very healthy or getting enough sleep. Plus, I'm still searching for a part-time job, but it almost seems like I won't be able to handle much more. Being involved and doing the things I love is always great, but we humans have limits. And I've been having mood swings and what I call "man periods". I know I'm going to be fine, but it's just unfair for my friends to have deal with this. This self-therapeutic method created by my editor A.B. is simple and may help me to calm down a little. An Okay List is a list where I list some of the flaws or experiences I've had and then say, "and that's okay." It's not for me to admit that I have issues and just simply do nothing to fix myself, it's for me to say that I'm not perfect and that's okay. I will work on myself little by little everyday and it's okay to make mistakes, and not be perfect. I am human.

I can be annoying sometimes, and that's okay.

I have separation anxiety, and that's okay.

I'm very insecure, and that's okay.

I sometimes don't love myself enough, and that's okay.

I hate my body some days, and that's okay.

I am scared of the future and am afraid of failure, and that's okay.

I sometimes feel not worthy of love, and that's okay.

I don't really know how to make myself happy, and that's okay.

I care too much about some little things in life that no one understands, and that's okay.

I feel like a random person reading this may worry that I might be suicidal, which I'm not, 

and that's okay.

I overthink situations which stresses me out, and that's okay.

I had depression and self harmed, and that's okay.

I have a family who I love deeply but can never understand, and that's okay.

I was bullied physically and emotionally, and that's okay.

I get attached to friends because I'm afraid of being alone, and that's okay.

I am sometimes socially awkward when I meet people, and that's okay.

I put on an act of this sassy, happy, flamboyant character as a defense mechanism, and that's okay.

I sometimes am afraid of letting people see the real me, and that's okay.

I don't really know who I really am sometimes, and that's okay.

I don't feel okay, but that's okay.

          

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 1 - Limits

          We're all sheltered, protected, and blinded by the dark and light. Some of us could not even bare to have the thought of being in the dark, yet some of us feel more free in the darkness, where nothing is seen. Like honesty and truth, it sometimes show the most ugly flaws of us human beings, leaving us naked and vulnerable for the world to see. But the lies and deceptions leave us with even more chance to discover those flaws and fill ourselves with secrets and shame.

          Insecurities, one simple word, yet I'm sure 99% of the people on Earth has them. It's human nature to want to hide in the dark and not let others see your flaws and insecurities. It's only protecting ourselves from being hurt, but it's also sheltering ourselves from the truth and our world. Sometimes I wonder how I made myself stepped into the light, because I was in the darkness for a while before. It seems to be the support and love from others that helped me realize that I can love myself. Even now, I have my days where I try to find that dark place again and hide, but when you've been in the light for so long, you can lose your sense of direction as you would too in the dark. There's no place for you to hide and every ugly truth is there to haunt you. As there is no escape from reality.

          It takes courage and a thick skin to be in the light, and I argue that I would rather have a painful, ugly truth then a lie out of love and protection. That's not entirely true, I'm a human, I get scared and I get anxious. But I remind myself that I deserve to be in the light sometimes, and that I deserve no lies. I want to put myself out there for the world to see, because my time in the darkness did me no good. And if I'm going to be the light, I'll make all use of it. That's why I have alter egos, to put on an act when I'm surrounded by strangers. "I am a Queen, I am Fabulous." I somehow have made it a rule that if I can convince them that I'm confident and happy, I would really be. And it does help, to an extent. We humans are fluid, we should be able to have both the light and the dark there for us to use. It's not always healthy for me either to expect everything to be in the light. Because I may not be able handle as much as I thought I could. Truths so hurt, and the worst part is, reality can sometimes be a deception itself.

          On the other hand, darkness can be free and limitless, full with imaginations and hope. Yet it also can lead you to no where but confusion and danger. I hated my times in the dark and I believe that the light will set us all free. Because I think that the truth will only hurt when it's being compared by our social standards. Others' truths may just differ or even oppose to your own subjective. There is no right and wrong answers to the Truth and False of individuality. So maybe the Light and Dark themselves don't even exist. Maybe they were standards of life set upon ourselves. Maybe they were only meant to be mixed to create a human's complexity, and not to be contrasted. 

          Because we're all just human beings, like little shades of grey. Seven billion shades of grey trying to fit into the Black and White standards of this world. 

The Trans Issue Part 2 - I'm Not Brave Enough

          Before we start, I think we all need to understand that sex is different than gender. Sex is physical, while Gender is a performance. Me being Gender-Fluid is saying that I don't give a fuck about what my sex is, and my gender changes to whatever I feel like that specific day, it is fluid, and I allow myself to separate my body from my behaviours. I don't need to be masculine or wear "mens' wear" just because my sex is male. Style doesn't need to have direct connections with our body parts.

          I think it takes courage to be free, but this courage risks hurting others. It isn't fully about yourself. I am from a family where my gender identity doesn't exist, and I'm constantly hurting them whenever I show the world my statements and beliefs. I'm constantly disagreeing with their own beliefs and statements. These problems with my family aren't all about their acceptance, or understanding, or lack of. They too need to deal with others asking about me and judging them for having a family member like me. Now, I would expect a friend to stand up for me and face the world with me by my side, but it would be truly selfish of me to expect the same from my family. I know it's difficult; it took me years to understand myself, accept myself, stand up for myself, and love myself. I just hope that with enough time, they will understand, as it did for myself.

          Many of you have told me that I'm brave or courageous. I think it may be true that it takes courage to put yourself out there like this, and to put all the flaws and struggles in my life out on a little website for people to read and judge. However, even though I don't like to admit it, I am asking for approval. Sometimes, when I don't get the approval from my family that I need, I go and search for this support from my friends and the world. I need this, to help myself to grow and love myself. I'm not there yet. I'm not capable of loving myself entirely yet. So do understand that every comment and encouragement means just so much to me, because you're helping me gain love for myself. I also do this in hope that one day I can help people too. I want people to know that they're not alone, and that there is still hope. 

          That's why I'm not brave enough. I'm still scared and I doubt myself everyday. I truly appreciate everyone around me who supports me and loves me no matter what I do. I'm a human too, I make mistakes, and I want to be better. Trans or not, mermaid or not, I'm the same as everyone, a human. 

          A human searching for their own, and other's love.

Editor: A.B.

The Trans Issue Part 1 - I'm a Mermaid.

          Many of you have been supportive over me coming out as Gender-Fluid, and I really appreciate that. I think it's great how caring and supportive people's reactions have been. Many still have questions, it's okay, because I still am searching for answers too. But I think I'm ready to put an end to this fire I've revealed to the world. The world has seen enough of the flames, and here's the closure I think we all need to put them out. The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully transition even if I do come out as transgender. It will only put me through an extremely difficult time, one that I've been through already over coming as gay and now coming out as Gender-Fluid. I am just not willing to put myself and the people who love me through this experience again.

          So am I a female inside ? Yes. But I am also a man inside and out. See, not many people in Asia understand the whole Gender-Fluid thing (not to speak for everyone but just from my experiences), so I don't expect my family or family friends to understand the Transgender thing. I've been raised to force myself to be a man for so long that even if I am a girl trapped inside, I wouldn't know how to let her out. So I'm deciding to settle in the middle ground. I've now freed that girl within and fused her with the man on the outside, and going as Gender-Fluid. At this point I find it hard to know who I really am, how do I know who I am now has not been influenced, turning me into something I'm not? I believe that there is a true and pure self with in all of us and that's our most original self, our childhood. That's the most unique and true version of us all. 

          When I was in kindergarten, I loved swimming and I would tuck my little penis in between my thighs and cross my ankles to swim like a mermaid. I've always loved mermaids and I hadn't realized until two years ago, that mermaids don't have genitals. They are usually seen as free and beautiful, without a body part to define their existence (so now you all know what my mermaid references meant in my past blog pieces). I've always only played with barbies when I was a child, and I would only play a female character in video games. I payed attention to details of women and I would only draw female bodies. I looked up to my mother like an idol and I loved her clothes and shoes...etc. Also, I've always loved a woman's curve and breasts, I love drawing them and think they are beautiful. A female body to me is an art, beautiful and lovely. Now everything I just said may scream "girl trapped in boy's body", but I also have a few big important differences with other transgender people that may prove that I'm just a very feminine man. I've never actually hated my genitals and I've never had extreme disgust with my body (gender wise, I've struggled with loving my weight though). Maybe it's because I never knew that this was a thing since they don't talk about that kind of stuff back where I came from, and maybe my struggles with loving my body are not purely due to my weight. But does this matter ? I find it depressing that even if I do want to become a female, I won't and can't make it happen. I find myself doing something many of you who also support the LGBTQA+ community may not understand. I will learn to love my body, even if I feel like a different gender inside. I think I'll be a fabulous Drag Queen in the future, and I'll be happy from my success (hopefully) as well as with the loved ones and those who have supported and loved me. So, I think I will not let a label such as gender define me anymore, because I don't want to be restricted any longer, not even by the female standards.

          So I really hope this gives some closure on this topic for myself and for the others who have wondered, because I think people still have questions about the Gender-Fluid thing, which is okay. I do admit, I say that fashion should have nothing to do with gender, but is that really possible ? If that's really true, then why do we need Drag culture and why do I still feel weird using the men's bathroom in heels ? Stereotypes are imprinted on our brains and it would take more time than we ever imagined to lose all the expectations of gender. But we have to keep trying, because it's our job to make sure it's different, and better for the next generation.

          So again I am here, sharing my story as a mermaid. The only difference is that after all these years I've become stronger, so strong that now I have a tail of steel. I'm here to say that we as humans need to change our society into a more accepting, and loving one so we can all be free. People shouldn't have to go through what I went through, people aren't supposed to force themselves to be strong and to wake up every morning wondering if one day, their families will finally understand. People shouldn't be forced to hide who they are inside and aren't suppose to be shamed to conform to society's standards. 

          People shouldn't need to be mermaids to be free.

Editor K.L.S.

I am... Free.

          So many of you who've read my recent Blog pieces or those of you who have spoken with me recently, will know that I am now Gender-Fluid and can go by either or both Male and Female. I think that at least for now, this is the only way I can be free. I've always questioned if I was transgender and if I wanted to become a female or not, but I also know that I will not and can not do anything about it even if I am this. So why not just be both? I'm tired of being restricted by endless gender stereotypes, roles, expectations, and fashion limits...etc. I think it's time for us humans beings to just treat each other as human beings. Freedom is a luxury that many enjoy, and sometimes Freedom can be selfish, but no matter how selfish I can seem, I will not allow myself to be limited by society's standards. I have to be free.

          I'm happy with the reactions and responses I've received from people over this. But honestly, most people already saw it coming. I mean, I kinda did have a long smooth transition. First the make-up, then the heels, and by the time I wore a skirt to school, people stopped caring. After all, they are just labels. I'd much rather fill my life with labels like Chanel, Dior...etc, then with gender labels that come with expectations and limitations. I do believe that fashion should be just an expression of self, and should go beyond gender, race, and sexuality oriented labels. So it's not about what I'm wearing and what you see and think, it's about me embracing both my masculinity and femininity, and living as a complex human being.

          I think it's completely fine if you don't agree or understand. Yes, I am a man by legal terms with my penis, but we're talking about feelings, not law and science. I want to open myself to all the possibilities as a human being and re-claim my body. I want to no longer be told on how to act or dress based on my gender. And no, I will not use a Gender neutral bathroom either. I think there's one in my school that no one knows about, it's like in the office or something. I am not going all the way to the office to pee and make a scene about it. Now, I kinda just use both gender washrooms in my school depending how I feel and what I am wearing that day. (I don't really know if that's okay or not according to the school rules) The thing is that, I really don't give a shit. Washrooms are never comfortable for me and I'm just there to get the job done and fix my hair. I don't care about others' judgments and views of me personally, but I do care for others' feelings. So I'm just worried that others may feel uncomfortable with me being in either or both of the washrooms. I'll never get offended or anything as long as you speak to me politely and respectfully. Because if you don't feel comfortable, I can just go to the other washroom or pee later, I really don't care. It's a big issue for other Transgender kids, but I'm weirdly more chill in this situation.

          Pronouns and washrooms are not my problem, my only problem is hoping that others aren't feeling uncomfortable because of me. And don't ever think I'm using this to my advantage, I mean sure, maybe now I can room with my girlfriends on a school overnight trip, and maybe less is expected of me now in terms of societal standards, but I honestly just want to be happy and free. Believe it or not, this freedom caused me to give up something many would find important. I feel like as a Gender-fluid person, I'm giving up part of myself and my identity. I meant that I'm actually giving you the choice and power to see me however you like, male and/or female. If you're a man and you're attracted to me, will you be gay or straight? Or maybe even Pan-sexual? See how confusing labels can be? Just love me already, I'm too desperate to wait for my Prince Charming to question his own sexuality. I think labels are good to a point with helping us understand ourselves, but sometimes instead of grouping people together, we should all just be one thing: human beings. We are all unique and different, we are not going to find a label that fits us perfectly. So, I may not even be Gender-fluid based on your definition of that label. But I honestly don't give a fuck.

          Well, even though now I'm free from many standards and expectations. I seem to have one more label added on my belt. Or we can just all ignore all these labels and just remember that we're all human beings loving other human beings?

Editor: K.L.S