An Audition

        Weeks ago, before semester one ended, I wanted to be a drama major. I still want to badly, but I now understand that we can't have all the things we desire in life. I thought I was doing well in my drama minor, so I asked my drama teacher for an audition, but she said no. She said that there weren't any spaces left in the drama major class, but she also added that she doesn't think I'm able to do it and she thinks it's not for me. I was for sure upset. I even disliked her a little... but it isn't her fault. Then who's fault is it ?

        No one can be blamed but me, even if I had requested an audition early enough, I bet she would've said the same thing. She would've said that I'm not good enough. I felt embarrassed to be honest, not knowing if I'm talented enough and still trying to reach for the stars... Did I just assume that because I jumped from a vocal minor to a vocal major, I could do the same with drama !? I thought I would be at least smart enough to analysis how good my performances in class were so that I could understand what's possible and what's not... I have friends who told me that they think I'm good enough for drama major. I don't usually believe them, but somehow I did. I just wanted to do something special and test my limits, no matter how difficult it is. One of the reasons I'm so desperate for exploring my other areas of talent is because I'm running out of passion. I'm not loving visual art like I used to, and I'm just afraid that I will change my mind about fashion later on and will have no experiences with other things. I love the stage so much. I know it's hard to see my passion when I get stage fright, but I know deep down that I can put on a show... 

        Anyway, I was upset with myself for a while. I was almost angry at myself for trying this hard for something and believing in myself when no one else could see anything in me, but then, one of my friends signed me up for a spring play production at my school. That was my only chance, I thought. That was the last time I could prove that I am a talented actor, at least to myself. I did a monologue that I wrote for my audition, but it didn't do as well for the improvising parts of the audition. Today, I had just found out that I got in ! I don't have a specific role yet, and I don't even think I have any speaking lines... Is being an extra proving anything, or is it just another sign telling me to stick with fashion and art !?

        Well... I'm not quite sure, but if I really love the stage that much and I'm willing to work my butt off to become "worthy enough", then isn't being an extra suppose to be enough ? All I know is that I will keep trying to audition for as many things as possible in the time I have left in high school and make my performances in my drama minor class as amazing as possible. Who knows, maybe having fun and enjoying the stage is just good enough...

Editor: A.B.