Why does is it that we always choose the wrong men ? Or more specifically, why do I always choose the wrong men ? I won't even call this action "choosing", because there aren't choices. It's like I have this pattern of falling for men who are attracted to women. It's not fair as I believe that we can not choose who we have feelings for. The heart wants what it wants yet unfortunately in my case, the heart wants what it can never have.
I think maybe I'm just scared of rejections. My friend has been telling me this but I never believed it until now, maybe I do want the easy heart breaks of them just not liking me because of my gender... I really wish I can just not have feelings at all. I don't think it's any easier though, it's just horrible to know that no matter how hard you try and how much feelings you feel, there is absolutely no chance. And it just makes me more upset when they're nice to me, I don't have a lot of guy friends so when they're nice to me, they make me feel special... But what can possibly make me special in a boy's eye ? Never in my whole life, has someone liked me in a romantic way. At least I didn't know any, but there probably isn't any. I hate to be a debbie downer, but sometimes love just sucks. It's true that I'm only fifteen, but that doesn't promise me that I will have someone to love in the future. What do I even have to offer as a lover anyway ? People tell me that I'm nice, but isn't that also what a friend is suppose to be ? So really, what makes me special !?
For the first time, I felt special because of a man and I have to admit that I'm addicted. But it ended shortly as I got myself out of the fantasy and reminded myself that this man is straight ! I can not let myself go down this ugly path again, I just got over a boy which lasted for almost two years ! How does this "feeling" thing even work !? There must be like a way for me to calm it down, or maybe I'm just too desperate. But I have to admit that I believe in soul mates, I believe that it's possible to find a love one that completes you as a human being on Earth. Because it's sad how lonely a person can feel even with seven billion others on this little planet.
All I want is love, is that too much to ask ? I just want to feel special, and I know I'm not the only one as I've talked to my other girls, but I feel like this isn't okay for me. I need to be happy and confident, I need to be on the right tracks and I don't want to be seen as weak or desperate. But I've never felt so jealous when he was nice and making my female friends feel special. Now I just feel helpless, what can I possibly do to make this situation better ? Nothing. I can't do anything but think. Thinking about him and feeling all these emotions that could never be accepted. All I can is to think and to desire, but not having the actual love. I couldn't help but wonder, what is it that I actually want, a relationship or him. My answer came almost immediately and that's when I know that I'm already down on this path again long enough that I can not and will not turn back.
I want him.
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