Me and Christianity

          I have to be honest, after being at that summer Bible Camp, it has been difficult. I was baptized a few years ago when I was in Singapore and I've always treasured my relationship with God. I was never too religious, but I had a lot faith as I watched my mother walked out of depression with God. I really believed that there is a God and that he's there to help and love us. But after I came out, everything changed.

          I was scared, not that I thought anyone would not let me worship in church when they know my sexual orientation. But I felt like God has stopped loving me because of my decision of being who I am. Those few Bible verses suddenly became so real, cruel and hurtful, and it distanced my relationship with my faith. And then in high school, I've became friends with a religious girl who invited me to go to her church's weekly youth group. I first went just to hang out with her and some other friends, but I slowly gotten back with God and start having hope again. I didn't care about those verses anymore as I chose to focus on the main message of the Bible, love. Now ever since the Bible Camp, I've been questioning if I'm really homosexual again. I know, seriously right !? I don't even know why I do this to myself, I'm just scared to be wrong I guess. The preacher at the camp said that sins are sins not because God decided to make some rules, sins are sins because they are harmful. But how is me loving a man harmful in any way ? It just doesn't make sense to me, and I really want a close relationship with God again, but I just feel conflicted... I can not believe in something where I have to just ignore some parts of it. And I can't argue with the Bible either. But I really just don't have any attractions for females ! I wish I do, girls are beautiful, but I love men. I try imagining myself with my female friends and it just doesn't work. So I am gay for sure, now it's just me conflicting with my faith all over again...

          It's like taking a big step back in time for me which is sad, I've worked so hard to understand and accept who I am. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm a Christian. Every time I tell people that I'm a Christian, it feels weird. It's definitely not easy to commit to a religion, and I just feel almost not worthy enough to be Christian. Is really believing that there is a God and that Jesus died for our sins enough ? Or are religions really just a way for us humans to comfort ourselves with the fear of nothingness after death ? Questions can never be answered without a new doubt and I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time... I believed that faith shouldn't feel this way. I want to be comfortable, secure, free, loved and saved by Christianity. This is not how hope should feel.

          But I can't, I really just can't. Even without my heels, my flamboyant behavior, my sassy attitude, and my stylish clothing, I still am attracted to men. And it's not like I was raised to be gay, come on, there is nothing fabulous about growing up in an Asian family. I guess the remaining possibilities of me loving men is either me controlled by Satan or that I'm really born this way. And I would really rather go with the Lady Gaga song explanation. 

          There is no way I'm letting myself feel like I'm going to hell. I need to just put on my heels and be my fabulous self. We all should just be ourselves, even if it means to sacrifice our faith. Because God would want us to be happy I would hope. He would want us to love and accept ourselves like the way he does to the world. And it's okay to feel conflicted, questioned with our faith. Only with questions, we can have answers or realizations to who we really are and what we believe in.

Summer Bible Camp - Christianity and Homosexuality

          So I've just gotten back from Teen's Week at a Summer Bible Camp. I had an amazing time and have made friends with some really cool people. Now before I went, I was quite worried that there would be problems as I am a homosexual man. People have asked me why I've decided to go to a religious camp knowing that people might have problems of me being who I am, and I've answered saying that it's because of friends and I wanted to do something fun...etc. But I actually want to use this opportunity to meet some other religious people and listen to some of their real opinions on homosexuality. 

           Everything worked out but they apparently had to hold a staff's meeting because I think this might be their first time having an openly LGBTQA+ teen going or something. So I didn't even have a chance to pretend to be straight, because everyone already kinda knew. I was scared because I would be able to deal with the other campers there if they have a problem with me, but I would not survive knowing that some staffs may dislike me. 

           I myself as a christian have always struggled because I really do believe that I'm born this way. I've not really talked about my religious faith or God with my friends because I think that somehow my existence goes against Christianity. Anyway, I respect that everyone has different religious background and beliefs so I don't really want to focus on what my religion and beliefs are. But I was actually impressed by how loving and caring these staffs and teens are. I've gotten a lot of religious hate before as an openly gay and these people are just so kind and accepting that it just touches my heart. Of course, most of them as Christians who believe in the Bible think that being gay is a sin, but none of them have actually said anything mean or disrespectful to me during those seven days. It still doesn't make sense to me how me loving someone can be sinful, but I have gained so much respect for Christianity because of how these people behaved and acted.

          I've found that the staffs were actually concerned that I would get offended by a drag skit some camper boys were going to do to entertain us by the camp fire one night. Now they care about my happiness and that's all that matters. I think it's perfectly okay for them to disagree with who I am and my decisions, but we as humans have to care and love one another and look past our differences. And there was this girl who actually called another camper to read some Bible verses to me at like midnight about sins and punishments. She kept apologizing after and said that she felt like she just had to do it because I am a Christian and she wanted me to understand what I'm doing. I believed that she meant no harm as she was so sweet and kind. Even though I felt a little uncomfortable, I respect her opinion and courage. I've also learned and understood that no human is black and white throughout the week. No sins or behaviors can define a person's good or bad. People respected me because I was respectful and kind, they didn't treat me unfairly base on their beliefs and opinions because me being gay does not define how nice or friendly I can be. People can have sins and still be a kind, loving person who deserve to be cared and respected. We're all just many shades of fabulous grey.

          Overall, I've really enjoyed my time at this camp and though a lot of campers there have encouraged me to go back next summer, I'm still not sure if I'll be able to. It was a great insightful experience and it has definitely helped me as a person and a Christian. Though I've warned the campers that if I do go back next year, I will go with my gear of stylish clothing, accessories and my sassiest attitude. 

          Next time, I will have nothing to hide, because I'm BORN THIS WAY baby !!!

Late Night Thoughts Part 3 - Last Confession.

          Alright so as for my last confession, it was one of the hardest things I have talked about in life. Only two or three of my friends know about this little secret that happened in the summer of ninth grade. Well, here it goes... Me and this boy kinda, you know... we traded pictures over SnapChat.

          I became friends with this girl in summer school and she told me about this friend of hers who sent her pictures all the time at this pool party she held. She gave me his username and I added him on SnapChat. I really never expected anything to happen because he was clearly heterosexual and I thought it would be kinda funny. He asked me who I was and I said that I was a stranger on the internet who somehow found him. I know, it was probably the lamest and creepiest thing I've ever said to a person. He was like lol and nothing happened for like a week. I never sent him anything again because like I said, it was a joke. But one day, he sent me a picture of him in his boxers. I was very shocked and did not know what to say, I sent him a picture of my couch and asked him if he meant to send that to someone else. He said yeah sorry, and then later asked me if I liked that. I was very unimpressed because he's probably one of those straight dudes who just like to flirt with desperate gay boys like me. But I told him that I didn't know him but I do like men so sure. 

          I quickly regretted sending that as he then asked if I wanted to trade pictures. I said no. I swear I did, but he convinced me after a few days and I was... well, lonely. There are no excuses for this one, I was just lonely and desperate. But it lasted for about two weeks or so. Now in between this short sketchy event, I tried to convince myself into thinking that maybe it wouldn't be just about pictures and lust, I could get to know him and maybe get him out of the closet and we would fall in love or some bullshit. But no, he didn't want to have conversations whatsoever and he even got really douchey and defensive when I suggested that he may be bisexual. He said that he ain't a fag, and that he only likes women. Now I don't want to be like throwing shade, but masturbating to another boy's pictures and sending videos of you putting a cucumber into your butt doesn't really make the straightest thing on Earth...

          Anyway, it was a whole two weeks of battling with myself and I finally called it off after him insulting my body with very offensive language. Just so you know, all the pictures I sent did not have anything other than what he wants to see so yeah, I did think about what was happening. But I realized that even though I may not be beautiful, I definitely deserve more than that. I deserved to be loved just like any other human being. He may be the most attractive man that would ever want to have anything with me, but he didn't even treat me with basic respect. And maybe he was questioning and he got defensive, but that doesn't mean he could treat someone as his horny relief toy.

          Now, before you judge me, I just want to say that yes, I've made a mistake. But I wasn't wrong because I traded pictures with someone, I was wrong to feel beautiful because of words of lust and fake sweet-talk. I was wrong in thinking that I'm that unworthy to not even be respected. And I desperately want to share this publicly even though I'm afraid of being judged because I've learned so much about self-love and respect from this. I think that no one should ever feel so unwanted that they would need something like that. Do me a favor, love yourselves and put yourselves first before anyone even if you seem like a bitch. Because I would much rather have the whole world believing that they deserve a love that no one can offer, than seeing people falling for a cheap booty call.

          If you don't believe that you deserve a crown, then no one will ever see you as a Queen. And making this mistake just reminded me to add another jewel to my fabulous crown. 

Late Night Thoughts Part 2 - Secrets & Confessions

          I think that it's very common and easy actually for us humans to have secrets. But I write about almost everything on my blog, as I want to be free and an open book for not only myself but also the world. It would be wrong for me to expect people to open up to me if I never share my stories and experiences. But there are still many things I find difficult to share on such a public area like the internet. Yet it's a pretty good step to say that I am human and I'm not ashamed of my mistakes. Because the truth is, if you don't let others have the power to judge you, their judgement is invalid.

          My first confession would be... masturbation. Now, self-pleasuring is so common now that even if you promise me you've never tried it, I wouldn't believe it. But for the longest time, I felt ashamed about it. I am completely fine with talking about others' experiences, sometimes I even give others tips and explanations about the art of self-pleasure even for the female's version. Yet I shame myself for doing something I believe is natural and very common for a teenage male going through puberty. So there, I do it and it feels damn good.

          My second little secret is something I've mentioned a little bit on my blog but never really went into it. I think this is very important as it's something I know a lot of people go through. I've self-harmed before when I was very depressed and that was also part of me questioning about my sexual orientation a few years ago. I've talked to a few of friends about it yet I try not to bring it up too much as it's just a touchy subject for many others. And to be honest, I still sometimes feel the emotions that I felt when I self-harmed. I still feel unworthy and not good enough some days and I've just gotten a lot more stronger with a lot more support from my friends over the years.

          I never went too into it, because if you know me at all, I hate pain. I only did it like a couple times when I felt so unworthy that I think I deserved pain. It was a sad part of my life where I just hated myself. Now I hate myself, but I take good selfies and I feel sexy on some days. No but really, I've gotten more confident over the years by knowing who I am now. And I think that depression is very common, and no one should be shocked that someone is depressed. It's just about finding out who you are and who you want to be that will make you happy. Being happy is difficult and I would've never walked out of that dark cloud without my friends by my side. But you can only get so much support that is offered right ? It was a lot of self-therapy and effort to be able to not want to curl up in a ball and cry every night, but it really does get better. 

          I promise. Just stay strong.

          

Late Night Thoughts Part 1 - Questions & Regrets

          So here I am, unable to sleep... again. 

          Do realize that I wrote this in my bed with no lights on listening to sad love songs just waiting for the break of dawn. I have a little sleeping problem where I just can't shut off my thoughts. I love how I think about literally everything because it helps me as a writer, but in this case, I hate it. I try not to use sleeping pills but sometimes I have things like school or worse, exams the next day. Then it would be a decision between coffee or sleeping pills, which both give me bad headaches. Isn't life hard !?

          I do weird things whenever I can't sleep. Sometimes I eat, write, wonder about the future...etc, but I mostly watch videos on YouTube. I get on the side of YouTube that I normally won't have interests in like politics, the news, horror, laws..etc. But tonight, I started wondering the past. I couldn't help but wonder, how different would my life be if I haven't made the decisions that I've made in the past ? What would life be like when I gave my mom a different answer when she asked for my opinion of leaving my home country ? What would life be like if I just stayed in the closet for maybe a few more years ? What would life be like if I just went to the high school that's the closest with the people from my middle school ? You know, sometimes I even wonder if it's really sinful to be gay. Maybe I will go to hell and maybe I am wrong. I really don't know, but I'm just not into women. I wish I am, really I do, because some of the most loving and caring people I know are women.  

          It seems a little stupid to question the past but if you think about it, every little decision in our life no matter how important we think it is, can alter our life in so many different ways. And that freaks me out even more because I am a perfectionist. I try to plan and decide everything in my life to make it as perfect as possible. But it's impossible, so I'm never really happy. I've regretted so many decisions and I just want people to know that I'm not perfect and I'm just a kid sometimes. All I ever wanted is for everyone including myself to feel happy and loved.

Walking In The Dark

          After hanging out with some of my friends in Downtown, I bused home around ten o'clock at night. By the time I got off the bus, it was about eleven o'clock and I usually would stay on paths with street lights at a time that late, but I went on a shorter path which was so dark I couldn't even see my shoes for some reason. As I challenged my fear of the dark and looking up at the stars for comfort, I thought of love.

          Because walking through the darkness seems to have many similarities with me being in love. It's blinding almost, I have little sense of directions so I did came very close to falling and being in love isn't logical at all as it's like taking away my sense of sight. One of the reasons why I'm so afraid of the dark is because of me being too imaginative and creative. I sometimes imagine shadows and all of the negative possibilities that could happen to me while being in the dark. And for the past few weeks, I seem to be able to find traces of him everywhere and still couldn't get my mind off him. It's almost like having his shadows follow me around. I often look to my friends for support and comfort as I did to the stars upon me during that walk, but I understood that comforts at moments like these are supportive but can never help you finish your walk. I had to finish that walk alone with the strength of myself and the only way to get over him is realizing that I don't need him. I have to be able to be happy without him. I need to love myself first.

          Sometimes being in the dark for too long can become comfortable. Your eye sights adjust and you feel more comfortable with your movements and directions in the dark. But what you don't know is that the longer you stay in the dark, the more lost you will become. You're not lost as in direction wise, but you've lost your destination. Being in a self-destructive and hopeless love will not only make me lose my sense of logic, but also who I am and who I want to be. I believe that I'm many things in life, but I certainly deserve more than this as everyone deserves to love someone who can love them back. And I want to be stronger than this. I want to be happy.

          And by the time I walk out of this darkness, I know I'll be stronger and happier. 

I Love Him.

          I love him. But how can I love him when I don't even have the ability to love myself ? How can I love him without even understanding the meaning of love ? How can I still love him when I believe that I don't even deserve love back ? I really don't know and can't really explain it, but somehow I think this is it. He may be the one. 

          When I really like someone to a point where I question if it's love, I can not think of them sexually. It's weird because usually if you really do like someone, you would want more from them. But for me, I don't. When I have fantasies of them or day dream about them, I can only day dream about kissing, hugging, him walking me home, or him holding my hands...etc. I know that I really like someone when I only want a romantic relationship with this person. That doesn't mean I won't want to have sex with this man if I'm ever in a relationship with him, but it means that all I care about right now is the cute movie-like moments we can share. I think that's love for me. I think for someone who's so open about talking about sex and things like that, I know that's true love because of the purity and simplicity of it. I want it to be as private and intimate as possible when it comes to the special person in my life. I feel enough from just the romance, all I want is to be with him holding hands or whatever. I know it's love when him existing is enough for me.

          Yes, I do realize that I may look back in about ten years and laugh at myself for thinking that this might be it, but I'm not gonna deny my feelings. I really like him. In fact, I have done so much things outside of my comfort zone for him, it's crazy. I have never bought a man a cookie yet I bought him a cookie. I've never tried so hard to look perfect for a man and I've never asked a man for his number yet I did. For the past few days, I could not get him off my mind, it is absolutely frustrating. And asking for his number is such a horrible decision, now I just stare at my phone waiting for his text replies. Obviously he has a life and probably hasn't thought of me in several days yet here I am. I don't know how long will it take for my friends to hate me because all I can talk about is him and I really wish that he doesn't live so close to my neighborhood. Every time I go out, I can see his house and it's like wohoo yeah more emotions, because I just don't have enough that already. I swear I'm at that point where I don't even care if he knows that I like him. I've dared many of my friends to ask him out for me before. I just want him to find out, be an ass about it and block me on instagram or something. So I can cry for two weeks, hate him for another two weeks and finally move on. But no, he's probably too sweet and nice to do that. Honestly, at this point, I just want to be a lesbian.

          It just doesn't make any sense, I don't even know him that well. But like I wrote in one of my blog pieces back, he is the first man who've made me felt special and I really hate him for that. I hate the fact that I even have feelings. Like is it really love though ? Can love really hurt this much ? I am literally the definition of confusion. Go check Google, I'm probably on there under the definition of sadness too.

          To be honest, I find it pathetic. I really thought I'm stronger than this. I thought I would have the ability to love myself more that I won't go down the path of falling in love with a man who will never like me back...