The Trans Issue Part 2 - I'm Not Brave Enough

          Before we start, I think we all need to understand that sex is different than gender. Sex is physical, while Gender is a performance. Me being Gender-Fluid is saying that I don't give a fuck about what my sex is, and my gender changes to whatever I feel like that specific day, it is fluid, and I allow myself to separate my body from my behaviours. I don't need to be masculine or wear "mens' wear" just because my sex is male. Style doesn't need to have direct connections with our body parts.

          I think it takes courage to be free, but this courage risks hurting others. It isn't fully about yourself. I am from a family where my gender identity doesn't exist, and I'm constantly hurting them whenever I show the world my statements and beliefs. I'm constantly disagreeing with their own beliefs and statements. These problems with my family aren't all about their acceptance, or understanding, or lack of. They too need to deal with others asking about me and judging them for having a family member like me. Now, I would expect a friend to stand up for me and face the world with me by my side, but it would be truly selfish of me to expect the same from my family. I know it's difficult; it took me years to understand myself, accept myself, stand up for myself, and love myself. I just hope that with enough time, they will understand, as it did for myself.

          Many of you have told me that I'm brave or courageous. I think it may be true that it takes courage to put yourself out there like this, and to put all the flaws and struggles in my life out on a little website for people to read and judge. However, even though I don't like to admit it, I am asking for approval. Sometimes, when I don't get the approval from my family that I need, I go and search for this support from my friends and the world. I need this, to help myself to grow and love myself. I'm not there yet. I'm not capable of loving myself entirely yet. So do understand that every comment and encouragement means just so much to me, because you're helping me gain love for myself. I also do this in hope that one day I can help people too. I want people to know that they're not alone, and that there is still hope. 

          That's why I'm not brave enough. I'm still scared and I doubt myself everyday. I truly appreciate everyone around me who supports me and loves me no matter what I do. I'm a human too, I make mistakes, and I want to be better. Trans or not, mermaid or not, I'm the same as everyone, a human. 

          A human searching for their own, and other's love.

Editor: A.B.

The Trans Issue Part 1 - I'm a Mermaid.

          Many of you have been supportive over me coming out as Gender-Fluid, and I really appreciate that. I think it's great how caring and supportive people's reactions have been. Many still have questions, it's okay, because I still am searching for answers too. But I think I'm ready to put an end to this fire I've revealed to the world. The world has seen enough of the flames, and here's the closure I think we all need to put them out. The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully transition even if I do come out as transgender. It will only put me through an extremely difficult time, one that I've been through already over coming as gay and now coming out as Gender-Fluid. I am just not willing to put myself and the people who love me through this experience again.

          So am I a female inside ? Yes. But I am also a man inside and out. See, not many people in Asia understand the whole Gender-Fluid thing (not to speak for everyone but just from my experiences), so I don't expect my family or family friends to understand the Transgender thing. I've been raised to force myself to be a man for so long that even if I am a girl trapped inside, I wouldn't know how to let her out. So I'm deciding to settle in the middle ground. I've now freed that girl within and fused her with the man on the outside, and going as Gender-Fluid. At this point I find it hard to know who I really am, how do I know who I am now has not been influenced, turning me into something I'm not? I believe that there is a true and pure self with in all of us and that's our most original self, our childhood. That's the most unique and true version of us all. 

          When I was in kindergarten, I loved swimming and I would tuck my little penis in between my thighs and cross my ankles to swim like a mermaid. I've always loved mermaids and I hadn't realized until two years ago, that mermaids don't have genitals. They are usually seen as free and beautiful, without a body part to define their existence (so now you all know what my mermaid references meant in my past blog pieces). I've always only played with barbies when I was a child, and I would only play a female character in video games. I payed attention to details of women and I would only draw female bodies. I looked up to my mother like an idol and I loved her clothes and shoes...etc. Also, I've always loved a woman's curve and breasts, I love drawing them and think they are beautiful. A female body to me is an art, beautiful and lovely. Now everything I just said may scream "girl trapped in boy's body", but I also have a few big important differences with other transgender people that may prove that I'm just a very feminine man. I've never actually hated my genitals and I've never had extreme disgust with my body (gender wise, I've struggled with loving my weight though). Maybe it's because I never knew that this was a thing since they don't talk about that kind of stuff back where I came from, and maybe my struggles with loving my body are not purely due to my weight. But does this matter ? I find it depressing that even if I do want to become a female, I won't and can't make it happen. I find myself doing something many of you who also support the LGBTQA+ community may not understand. I will learn to love my body, even if I feel like a different gender inside. I think I'll be a fabulous Drag Queen in the future, and I'll be happy from my success (hopefully) as well as with the loved ones and those who have supported and loved me. So, I think I will not let a label such as gender define me anymore, because I don't want to be restricted any longer, not even by the female standards.

          So I really hope this gives some closure on this topic for myself and for the others who have wondered, because I think people still have questions about the Gender-Fluid thing, which is okay. I do admit, I say that fashion should have nothing to do with gender, but is that really possible ? If that's really true, then why do we need Drag culture and why do I still feel weird using the men's bathroom in heels ? Stereotypes are imprinted on our brains and it would take more time than we ever imagined to lose all the expectations of gender. But we have to keep trying, because it's our job to make sure it's different, and better for the next generation.

          So again I am here, sharing my story as a mermaid. The only difference is that after all these years I've become stronger, so strong that now I have a tail of steel. I'm here to say that we as humans need to change our society into a more accepting, and loving one so we can all be free. People shouldn't have to go through what I went through, people aren't supposed to force themselves to be strong and to wake up every morning wondering if one day, their families will finally understand. People shouldn't be forced to hide who they are inside and aren't suppose to be shamed to conform to society's standards. 

          People shouldn't need to be mermaids to be free.

Editor K.L.S.

I am... Free.

          So many of you who've read my recent Blog pieces or those of you who have spoken with me recently, will know that I am now Gender-Fluid and can go by either or both Male and Female. I think that at least for now, this is the only way I can be free. I've always questioned if I was transgender and if I wanted to become a female or not, but I also know that I will not and can not do anything about it even if I am this. So why not just be both? I'm tired of being restricted by endless gender stereotypes, roles, expectations, and fashion limits...etc. I think it's time for us humans beings to just treat each other as human beings. Freedom is a luxury that many enjoy, and sometimes Freedom can be selfish, but no matter how selfish I can seem, I will not allow myself to be limited by society's standards. I have to be free.

          I'm happy with the reactions and responses I've received from people over this. But honestly, most people already saw it coming. I mean, I kinda did have a long smooth transition. First the make-up, then the heels, and by the time I wore a skirt to school, people stopped caring. After all, they are just labels. I'd much rather fill my life with labels like Chanel, Dior...etc, then with gender labels that come with expectations and limitations. I do believe that fashion should be just an expression of self, and should go beyond gender, race, and sexuality oriented labels. So it's not about what I'm wearing and what you see and think, it's about me embracing both my masculinity and femininity, and living as a complex human being.

          I think it's completely fine if you don't agree or understand. Yes, I am a man by legal terms with my penis, but we're talking about feelings, not law and science. I want to open myself to all the possibilities as a human being and re-claim my body. I want to no longer be told on how to act or dress based on my gender. And no, I will not use a Gender neutral bathroom either. I think there's one in my school that no one knows about, it's like in the office or something. I am not going all the way to the office to pee and make a scene about it. Now, I kinda just use both gender washrooms in my school depending how I feel and what I am wearing that day. (I don't really know if that's okay or not according to the school rules) The thing is that, I really don't give a shit. Washrooms are never comfortable for me and I'm just there to get the job done and fix my hair. I don't care about others' judgments and views of me personally, but I do care for others' feelings. So I'm just worried that others may feel uncomfortable with me being in either or both of the washrooms. I'll never get offended or anything as long as you speak to me politely and respectfully. Because if you don't feel comfortable, I can just go to the other washroom or pee later, I really don't care. It's a big issue for other Transgender kids, but I'm weirdly more chill in this situation.

          Pronouns and washrooms are not my problem, my only problem is hoping that others aren't feeling uncomfortable because of me. And don't ever think I'm using this to my advantage, I mean sure, maybe now I can room with my girlfriends on a school overnight trip, and maybe less is expected of me now in terms of societal standards, but I honestly just want to be happy and free. Believe it or not, this freedom caused me to give up something many would find important. I feel like as a Gender-fluid person, I'm giving up part of myself and my identity. I meant that I'm actually giving you the choice and power to see me however you like, male and/or female. If you're a man and you're attracted to me, will you be gay or straight? Or maybe even Pan-sexual? See how confusing labels can be? Just love me already, I'm too desperate to wait for my Prince Charming to question his own sexuality. I think labels are good to a point with helping us understand ourselves, but sometimes instead of grouping people together, we should all just be one thing: human beings. We are all unique and different, we are not going to find a label that fits us perfectly. So, I may not even be Gender-fluid based on your definition of that label. But I honestly don't give a fuck.

          Well, even though now I'm free from many standards and expectations. I seem to have one more label added on my belt. Or we can just all ignore all these labels and just remember that we're all human beings loving other human beings?

Editor: K.L.S

I am... Perverted. Part 2 - Dying A Little Inside

          So, obviously my dad freaked out. Honestly, I'm not even that angry at my mom for bringing it up. It's something he has to face sooner or later, but I don't feel relieved either. Because it could be a complete waste of time trying to explain things to him. And I really hope that someday, he can just finally understand...

          He kept saying that he doesn't want me to hurt my body. He said that he wasn't happy that I pierced my ears either, but what could I say, I already did it. I apologized, and that I don't think if a Transgender person want to change his/her body, it's hurting that body, it's altering the body to match the inside. I promised that if I want to change my body, I will do it in the future when I can make decisions myself and support my own living. He didn't seem to understand anything at all and it felt useless to explain furthermore. He called Transgender a stage and before that is the "Perverted and Abnormal" stage where one dresses like the opposite sex and do minor changes to his/her body like piercings. He treated it like a disease where it has stages and many harmful consequences. The word "pervert" will never be the same for me, and I never thought he could ever use that word on me. I was in shock and kept asking my mother to defend me, but her response just made me feel even worse. She said, "You can't blame him right now, he needs time. I thought that too at first, I just convinced myself over the months and I coped with it better." I found it shocking to know that even my mom thought that of me, and it felt like everything was a lie. I felt betrayed, that there's no such thing as acceptance in this family anymore...

          I told my dad that it's not abnormal and it's not something to be ashamed of, that most of Canada is accepting of it and that my school and my friends are all very supportive. I also brought up some names of my mom's friends who've talked to me about this and seemed supportive. But my dad just said that they're all lying to me, no one could possibly think that this is right and that they're all just looking at our family as a joke. It really felt like my whole world was crushing down, no matter how many facts and proofs I had, he could deny it and look pass it. He even asked to meet with some of these parents who have children of my "kind" and wanted to ask how they could do it. He didn't believe that parents could accept such thing and asked me not to wear "female things" anymore. I said that I'm sorry but I can't. I can promise that I won't "hurt" my body before I leave them, but I can not give up my freedom of fashion. It's one of the only things I have left. I need my heels. I tried to get support from my mom again as she was the one who bought me half of those clothes, but she defended my dad instead. They all said that I was hurting the family and that I was being selfish. I felt helpless as there was really nothing more I could say. My mom ended the fight moving the focus back to my brother and saying that she just want a peaceful family and she's trying her best to support her children. My dad added that he would keep working hard for his career to support us from Taiwan. Everyone left the living room and I was the last one to go up stairs...

          I cried on the floor trying not to make too much noise and I felt like the world was spinning. (I know it's dramatic and cheesy, but bare with me) I know they love me and that it must be really difficult for them too, but I find it hard to stand in their shoes when they can't even listen to my perspective of things. Trust me, I do want to have a simple happy family and I wish that I'm just a normal straight Asian teenager, but I'm not and I only hope that they can understand someday that I have to be myself. I couldn't help but to feel alone and had to seek for support from my friends... again. I never wanted to be the friend with the problems, but I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends at this stage of my life. (Shout out to my Friends who have not stopped loving me after all these years of struggles)

          And I get it, it's hard to swallow so much in just a few days for my family, especially my dad. He came to help my brother, he must be stressed enough. And my mom only ever wanted peace and a simple family. They all acted normal after that night, not normal, better actually. They acted like there was no fight or problems, and my dad has been hugging me a lot. I love my family so much, and I know they're only trying to fix things, but I'm not sure if they can be the same to me after this. I... I think I'll need a little more time and space. It still hurts too much. And I could never forget what hurts the most, him blaming himself and my mom for this. He said that he finally could see what kind of parents they are and that he suddenly felt like nothing has a purpose in life anymore. It broke my heart and it's ridiculous that I'm still the one feeling guilty over this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that he can care more about how others see our family than my happiness, it breaks my heart that he felt like he has failed as a father, it breaks my heart that he might never understand or accept me for what I am. And it will break my heart forever to know that to him, I'm a pervert.

          I'm sorry dad, but I have to keep going. I will wear the clothes I love and being who I am. I know I will never be the son you want me to be, and I can never make you proud. I'm sorry that I bring so much to the family and that I'm hurting you all. But I can not back down again, I have to love myself and take care of my happiness. Because who else can take care of our happiness if we can't even be responsible of it ? It's a dark time for me, and probably many others who are also struggling. And for those who's afraid of your families not accepting or loving you for who you are. Do me a favor: stand tall, be proud, and never stop loving yourselves. Because I see the beauty in all of you that they may not be able see. Be free, be wild, be beautiful, and be unique.

          Just be YOU.

I am... Perverted. Part 1 - Thanksgiving & Coming-Out

          So with Thanksgiving and Canada's National Coming-Out day being in the same weekend, me and my mother has gotten into a fight. My dad just arrived in Canada a few days ago to fix some problems in our family as my brother has been having some issues. Everything seemed fine for like two days and everyone just pretended like we're a happy perfect family, but I knew that the peace would be ruined sooner or later. I knew that this piece of paper would not be able to cease the fire within, I just hoped that it wasn't me who ripped the paper and released the flames...

          The fight between me and my mom was nothing really. But like all our fights in the family, it brings back the unsolved issues in the past. I finally snapped and brought up the real reason why my dad came to visit suddenly and I really don't want to have to deal with family issues right now in my life. I've been busy trying to hold everything in my life together that I would just want them to understand if I'm being a little bitchy. But no, my dad who came to "fix" problems, wanted me to tell him why I wasn't happy with the family. I talked and talked and told him about me being gay (which he already knew from me coming out to him at the beginning of the year), but he ignored it and still kept asking me about dating girls and completely acted like nothing had happened. He thought there was something wrong with my body and that it was a phase. So I made it clear to him that it's not and I do like men, and I don't need him to accept or understand it 100%, but at least not ignore it. We had a heart to heart conversation and he claims that he accepts me, but he who does not know the difference of Homosexuality and Transgender questioned if I would go too far of being gay and become a girl. I made sure that he understood that I am only gay and the end, but my mom who was still angry from the fight with me, brought up the fact that I did in fact questioned if I was transgender and that I didn't know what I am. Well, that fucked everything up.

          Yes, I did questioned if I am Transgender, many of you who read my blog would know. I really do wonder if I want to be a girl or not. After all, I do already dress like a female. It's something I still struggle with and I for now, am just going with Gender-Fluid. Gender is a label, and I am already breaking the gender barrier of Fashion, why not break the social gender standard completely ? I love the world, the fashion, and everything and I would like to experience things without restrictions just because of a body part. So call me a "she", "he", "it"...etc, I don't care. I refuse to be defined by one gender and it's stereotypes, I refuse to be restricted because of what the society has the say. I will be me and be happy. But, my family can't take it, they don't understand and as if right now, I don't think they ever will. And I can't make them go through something like this, if I really want to be female, I will have wait until I'm a grown adult who can support myself. So that's why I never wanted to tell my father about this whole gender thing, I only wanted him to know that I like men, because that's all I can confirm right now at this stage of my life. But everything just went wrong on this Thanksgiving, I mean... Happy National Coming-Out day for me, but it got as ugly as I've ever seen in years...

          I only wish that everyone else had a better Thanksgiving than me, and I'll share the rest of the story in Part 2. Life sucks sometimes, but we gotta stay strong together and never lose hope ! 

To Prove Myself

 

          Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news ! I will be officially working with a youth acting company which will be my first real acting experience outside of school. I am offered to be in two of their production this season, a Shakespeare piece and an original piece which is more abstract and more physical.

          I've really been getting involved with the arts lately, I'm trying to audition for as many things as possible. As many of you know, my confidence in acting has failed after my drama teacher wouldn't give me an audition for the major class. And my dream of being a triple major was broken... But I dropped my minor drama class this year and hope to get into many drama productions to prove to her that I have the ability to act well. And I've auditioned to our school's both Fringe Drama Festival, and the Troupe which puts on plays for children in elementary schools. I didn't get into both of them and just when I thought that I must have sucked all this time, the teacher who's in charge of the Troupe production asked me to join as a character just opened up. Sure I do care a little that I'm just a replacement, but it gave me enough confidence to still audition for the KW Youth Theatre and now I'm in ! 

          I just feel like I've finally proven myself, even though my drama teacher knows nothing about what productions I'm apart of. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely person, and she is great. But yes the major class was full, but many people still auditioned and were put on the wait-list. I wasn't upset of the fact that she didn't let me into the class, I was upset by her not giving me an audition - a chance to prove myself. And what she said to me when I asked her about this just makes me feel horrible about my talent and skills. She said, "I'm sorry, I don't think it's for you kid. Just have fun in the minor class." Like sure, I do love drama and I have fun, but I also work hard and I will if you just give me a chance. I need teachers (especially in the arts) to at least give me a chance. I know I'm not the most talented artist, singer, actor, dancer...etc, but I will work for it, because I want it.

          And I'm really scared yet excited at the same time for this Shakespeare play since it's my first time doing a Shakespeare piece. Plus, I'm still new to this Shakespeare old English thing, so that'll be a challenge. But I'm not going to let the company and the directors down. I will work as hard as I can, and make the best out of it.

          This time, I have no one to prove anything to, except for myself.