Scars Part 2 - I'm Afraid.

          I'm Afraid. 

          Even without saying that I'm trans, many online already think I am with the pictures of myself in a dress and make-up. I guess it's okay but I can already feel the pressure of the society's beauty standards on women. I'm afraid that my self-esteem will just go back to the way it started as and everything I've worked hard for self-love will be gone like that. I just don't feel like I'm beautiful enough for a woman, and I know that the beauty standards are bullshit. But I'm still insanely insecure....

          I know I'll be able to work on loving myself again with the friends and support that I now have, but what about my family !? I seriously don't think they'll be able to support me even if they wanted to, and I won't be able to have the resources to transition. And maybe in the future, I may be able to afford to transition myself, but is there even a point for me to do it after puberty !? And I understand that I can still be transgender without going through a transition, I'm sure my friends and my family can support me enough to use the right pronoun and see me as a female overtime. But what about love ? It's no doubt that it's way more difficult for a trans person to find love, and it's really upsetting. The more unique and free I am, I seem to be just moving and moving into a smaller and smaller amount of possible partners. it's almost like me having to choose between myself or love. And I just had a thought a few days ago, why are all my crushes on straight men !? Is it really just because that's my type ? Is it really because I'm afraid of rejection ? No, no it's not. Maybe it's because I feel like a woman deep down inside. Just maybe....

          Plus, let's say I never go through transition, how will I find a straight man that can see me as a female with a male body !? Can somehow really still love me when I strip away the dress, the heels, and the make-up !? Can I !? Because I don't even think I can.... I'm afraid, I'm scared that everything will change and I'll lose everything that I have worked for. I'm just too afraid to let go. And it's scary, it's really scary to go back to that place. A place of self-hate and vulnerability, knowing that you're an outcast and getting all these hateful judgement and comments. People over the years have gained more respect for the Gay and Lesbian community, but the Transgender people are still getting bullied and bashed every single day. I know I'm strong enough to fight through it, because I did. But I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't think I want to either.

          Maybe being afraid is okay, and I need to accept my fear. But I also need to know that everything will be okay and I just gotta to be brave. It's never easy finding or/and being yourself. Yet I truly believe that it'll be all worth it. 

          I want to be free, and I have to. I am a Mermaid.

Scars Part 1 - I'm Not Ready.

          It's not easy. I tried to convince myself that I'm done, and I'm all set with myself. But I'm not, I'm not finished. There's something more, I know there's something more.

          I know that in my Blog piece a while ago, I settled with the issue of questioning me being transgender with coming out as Gender-Fluid. But the thing is, it's not settled. I tried to push the thought of me being trans out of my head but it just comes rushing back sometimes and it really can be upsetting. There are times where I image my future and I see myself in a dress, there are times where I daydream about having breasts or even wonder what it'll be like to have a baby. And just a few days ago, at my school's Semi-Formal, I felt so beautiful and sexy in my dress, heels, make-up and curled hair, and I just feel like I'm running away from a problem I already have an answer of.

          But I can't, I can't right now. I don't think I'm ready to accept the answer right now. I'm afraid. I know some people think that I'm so brave for being who I am, but I'm still scared. And the thing is, my family and my culture, it's just not going to be an easy road and I'm not ready. I really thought that I was finished with myself. I thought that I'm free. But I'm still being confined, being Gender-Fluid is suppose to be freeing, and saying that I'm fluid with both genders. But I'm still dressing like a female 90% of the time and the fact that I'm still seeing the clothes with a gender difference, it's clear that I'm not fluid. Plus, even if I do come out as Transgender, I don't think I'll have the resource to be able to transition.

          I really don't know... Maybe I'm just not as brave or strong as I thought I was.

          

How To Be Single 1.0 - Semi-Formal

          So, tonight is my school's annual Semi-Formal dance, and it's my second last Semi ! And just three days ago, I got my date a date. I actually had another date, who is one of my girl best friends, and we went together last year. But since she just got back with her Ex, and she spent Valentine's day with me instead of him. I decided to take a step back, and was going to go with another friend of mine. But now, she just got into a relationship that I kinda helped (just a little). And here I am, no date and still Single.

          There'll be other good friends of mine there that I'll of course have fun with, and I can probably get one of them to be my "date". But at this point, I really feel like there's no reason to anymore. This year is different, it's that year when most of my friends are actually in relationships. Am I upset that I'm one of the only Single teenagers in my friend group ? Am I upset that I don't have a date for Semi ? Well, my answer will have to be Yes & No for both of them. I'm doing okay I think, I'm learning, learning of How To Be Single.

          Learning how to be single isn't about getting over the fact that there's no one to send you cute texts, make you feel loved and beautiful, kiss you, hold your hand, go on cute dates with you...etc. It's about getting used to the fact that you're alone, and it's okay. No matter what some people say, you can still feel lonely even with lots of friends. It's a different kind of connection which many craves for. And lately, I've been really trying not to feel lonely, because the reality is, we can be alone, yet we shouldn't be lonely. It's a little funny how desperate I were for a relationship now that I think about it. I'm a teenager, I've been a teenager who craves affection for about four years now. It's really not that long. But also because I'm a teenager, I'm more insecure and anxious, and I look around school, all I see are couples. Love is what I crave for, yet most of us in high school relationships may not even be experiencing Love. I think that, maybe being single is just choosing another path of love, it's choosing yourself to love first, and being there for yourself.

          How To Be Single 1.0:

Being single is a part of life, it's nothing rare and uncommon, it's actually not that depressing. Plus, we all started out as single people, and we survived. Remember, you can be alone, but don't let yourself feel lonely. Do things for yourself, take up your time to do purposeful things. Being single isn't just about learning how to be alone, it's also about self-regulation and a better life style. Read a book, paint your nails, sleep early, start a proper skin care routine...etc. ! Don't allow yourself to just watch Netflix and eat junk food (Maybe twice a week), but rewarding yourself is important too !

Just love yourself, and accept the fact that you're Single, but Fabulous.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

          

Right Back Where We Started.

          For the past few weeks, I really haven't feeling my best. I started being more sad, insecure, and I distanced myself from my best friend without evening really understanding why. After actually sitting down and make myself think about my feelings, I started to understand that I'm right back where I started.

          I've been jealous. Jealous of everyone in my life, especially my best friend. And just to be clear, I'm not envy, I'm jealous. I don't ever think that I want to take something away from someone or that they don't deserve whatever it is that they have. I am happy for others' successes, but I'm jealous. I start to wonder what is it that's keeping me away from obtaining from what I want. I start to analyze myself and pick out my flaws as if I can improve on them little by little. Yet the truth is, is that I'm just starting to hate myself again. Self hate, sounds familiar ?

          I think it all started out with the new semester. My best friend just got back with her ex, I'm so happy for her and she has been incredibly happy. And the thing is, me and her are so close that a lot of our friends have said that we're like the person. We're just opposite sides of the same coin. There have been a lot of times where she'll have a bad day, but I'll have a great day, or the other way around. We love each other and we often balances each other out. And as she becomes more and more happy with being in a relationship, my inner "Happy Single" started to fade. What really did it is when she was telling me about how much they love each other and how happy she is...etc., she said to me, "I want you to have that, you deserve that.". I know she meant well and she would never try to make me feel insecure or sad, but that just really hit me in the heart like a bullet. I sat beside her in Visual Art, and I started to feel more and more insecure about my art, feeling like I'm the class's worst artist. She's so creative, beautiful, fun, talented, and just perfect. And it's not just her, it's not like her existing makes me insecure. We're just so close that her impact makes the most damage I guess.

          Then I also started feeling insecure about my appearance again... I really don't know why I do this to myself. I guess sometimes I feel like having insecurities make me a better person. Having insecurities of how I look can make me more nice and sensitive to others, and having insecurities of my talent can make me work even harder and try even harder to be better. I would say that it's just a question of how far am I willing to push myself to success also with the risk of destroying myself. It's a never-ending competition between myself and everyone else as I view others as the version of perfection. I put people so high up on the scale, I automatically put myself down too.

          I don't know... I will figure this out. I have to. At least now I know what and how I'm feeling. Now, I understand where my irrational emotions are coming from and I know what the problem is. I'll get better, I always do. But, this time, I'mma try to break the cycle. I want to be break free, I need to let go. I need to be happy.

Capture Your Dreams

          So now, after exams, second semester has officially begun. It's Fabulous ! I have courses like Fashion, Visual Art, Photography, and Psychology this semester and it's super fun and really awesome. Though I did want to replace Dance over Photography, but I guess I will be doing Dance next year. I know I'm not trained in Dance, yet you know what, I actually love dancing, and I think I'm finally going to take the course and start dancing. If I love it, then why not ? Right !?

          Though my courses may be fun and all artsy, it's a lot of work. Grade 11 Art Major isn't an easy course, and I'm starting to feel like I couldn't keep up. I've never been great at Art History or Art Theory, and I'm not the best Artist in the room either, what makes me so special ? I couldn't help but to start doubting my talent... But I'll work hard and try my best, I have to. I can not and will not give up on Art. I'm doing well I think in Fashion, and it's funny to find that I'm the only one in that class who wants to go into Fashion later in life. I'm still quite new to Photography and Psychology, but I think I have potential and interest, so if I work hard, I'll be fine. Some people in Psychology don't think I'm smart or intellectual, and the teacher doesn't really know who I am yet, but I'll prove them wrong. My goal is always to be better than what people predict I'll be like, and that's the key to my success so far in life I guess.

          Now Dance. I've actually loved dancing all my life. I wanted to join a studio a few times before yet it never really worked out due to scheduling and the fact that I wanted to dance the girl parts and not everyone understood that. My friends who've actually seen me dance says I have potential, and I think, why not just do it at school !? I'm in my final last two years of high school, and since I'm in the Arts Program, I want to explore the other Arts too, not just have experience in my majors. So, since my timetable didn't work with Dance this semester, I will start Dance in the fall. I'm so excited !

          I know I'm getting more and more off tracks with Fashion the more Art areas I explore, but I just feel like I'm not ready to settle yet. Maybe it's risky since I don't have much time to spare until University/College, but this is high school ! I'm young, and who knows what will hold in my future. If I love something, and I think I may do well in it, I will give it a try. I owe myself some fun, I think I deserve to enjoy my youthful years, maybe not going to parties and smoking weed, but to spend every minute of school loving the Art I'm creating and experiencing.

          I'm also getting my motivations back for Fashion now, so isn't that something !? But I'm not gonna settle just yet, the game of 'Capture The Dreams' has just begun. And I'm loving my every second of it.