Gender Trouble Part 1 - Time.

          During my trip to Toronto for an university's open house, my mom's friend started asking questions about my gender as I'm basically now wearing dresses whenever I feel like it. There was definitely tension, and I tried really hard to explain my case of questioning if I'm transgender and how I identify as gender-fluid at the moment. I also used some of my gender studies' knowledge to defend myself talking about gender theories and the gender spectrum.

          What got to me is the lack of appreciation and knowledge some adults have for the transgender community. The way they think that you have to look feminine and look like a "female" or else it's not natural or beautiful. The idea of a passable woman is disgusting and scary. For example, if I'm transgender and I don't look feminine enough or if people can easily tell that I was born in a male body, I can get more judgement. It sickens me how the idea of passing as a female or not base on the society's definition of femininity. My mom's friend also had a hard time understanding my decision to come out as gender-fluid when I'm questioning if I'm transgender, saying things like: "Why can't you respect your male body?", "I understand, I see some men who are transgender and I see why, because they look so feminine and slim. Yet you have a very masculine body and face...", and "Well if you're gender fluid, why not wear more men clothes, it can be uncomfortable for others...". It upsets me that I may not make a passable woman, yet I think we need to know that this is all bullshit. No one has the right to tell a woman, whether born a female or male, it does not matter, how a woman should look. No one has the right to define femininity and masculinity. No one has the right to decide for you. No one.

          One thing that she said that spoke to me though was the fact that I'm now wearing "female" clothes 90% of the time. I can't possibly deny the fact that I feel happier and more beautiful to traditional female attire, and that says something against the idea of gender fluidity. I'm not fluid. I try really hard not to define femininity and masculinity, and convince myself and the world that there shouldn't be gender labels on fashion. Yet, I still do it.

          I realize that it's no longer about my family and getting the resource and support if I do ever transition. Because, I don't have to have a vagina to be a woman. That is not what a woman is about, and I can still identify as a female even with a penis. I think it's just difficult for me to actually get into the mindset of being transgender. I've repressed my femininity for so long and it's scary. Also, as a person who's very much into fashion and beauty, I know I will never be passable in my own mind. I have to change my mindset, I have to be more free and open minded towards myself. 

          I'm still in denial, and now, all I need is... Time.