You know, maybe my mom is more supportive than I thought.
After yesterday's event with my mom's friend, my mom barely said a word about the topic, so I started a conversation with her later on alone because I wanted to know her opinion of me questioning to be transgender. She's actually pretty chill, but she still lectured me, like a mom.
She gave me a talk about dress codes and all that stuff. She still doesn't like me in dresses, but not because of me identifying as a female, but because of my size. I mean, her views on beauty isn't perfect, but at least she's chill. She also mentioned that she thinks that I dress myself in a way that's extremely sexy and feminine because of the way I feel like I have to prove my femininity, to make a passable woman. Yet she wants me to understand that I don't need my heels and mini skirts to feel that power, I should have that power in me. The essence of me shouldn't be because of the glamour, the sex appeal, or the femininity that I'm trying to portray. The femininity and grace should be within me even just with my sensual vulnerability. The power and beauty of me should be because of my talent, my passion, my love and care for others, and not be there because of a shell that I've used to prove something to the world.
I mean, of course she could've meant it in a way to convince me not to dress like that, but thanks to her, I realized that it's true. I've armored myself to such extremes to prove something. Sometimes I dress to impress others instead of myself. And now I wonder if I do anything for myself, because of the fact that I care so much. I just care so much for the others who surround me, what they think and how they feel, but I need to not only start thinking about myself, but for myself. I need to love myself for me and be beautiful because I feel beautiful, not because I want to look beautiful.
Again, it's a work in progress and it takes time. But this is all worth it, I have to find myself.
Editor K.L.S
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