How can you love an Orphan ? How do you make him/her/they feel your love ?
How will they ever trust that your love is real ?
How can they ever believe that you will stay ?
Loving me is tiring, and I really don't know whether it's worth it or not for you in the end.
Our childhoods have shaped who we are, our fears, our interests, our courage, our desires, and our state of minds. It's true, we shouldn't just go back and blame it on our bad childhoods whenever we mess up. Yet if you can say that so easily and truly believe that we can just move on from our traumas, you're not understanding what we went through. I'm not a psychologist, nor am I capable in anyway to diagnose myself or others, but I've got issues, and my childhood is far from normal.
It's been a rough few weeks I'm having. And sometimes it just seems like no one can understand. Again, I'm no psychologist, but I do study and have interests in psychology, and I'm noticing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD in my behaviors. My past haunts me, and chases me, and I'm struggling every single day, to move past from my memories, my thoughts, and myself. I have days where I wake up and want to cry and curl up in a ball. I have days where I feel like isolating myself from everyone. I feel sudden waves of anger, sadness, fear, and I don't know how to just stop. I can't stop doubting, questioning, and fearing. I don't know why. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it is for attention, but please, don't walk away.
Loving me is unfair, because I don't know if I'm stable enough to support you sometimes. An orphan is constantly on the search for love, stability, and support. But is an orphan capable of love ?
I want to get help, and I want to figure what's going on, but my time and resources are limited. I have friends, yet they don't owe me anything. Sometimes they don't understand, and can't understand. And I have no right to hold on to someone who wants to leave. No one should have to deal with me, no one deserves this. I care, and I care so goddamn much, but I know I can be as cold as a blizzard and be as poisonous as a snake with my words. Everything is internal within me, and everything somehow leads back into the feeling guilt, then into self-hate. For example, I will start to isolate myself because I'm feeling all these intense emotions like stress and anxiety, and I don't want to burden someone else, yet my friend may be trying to give me support and care and just wanna know what's going on. I'm cold and isolate myself even more and push her away. My friends are upset because either they don't understand what's happening, they feel like I'm rejecting their love, or that I'm just being a bitch and looking for attention. Then, I see that I'm being a bitch, so I feel guilty and hate myself, then I isolate myself even more. There, a classic example of why I suck as a human being.
Lately, the guilt and self-hating has gone a little way too far, I've been actually having self-harming and suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure why I reveal shit on here, but I guess I want to be honest that sometimes life just sucks. So yeah, I'm not doing so well, but I'm working on it. I've self-harmed before when I had depression a few years ago, but no, I have not been doing it. It's just being in that state-of-mind though, scary enough. I don't know what to do, and I'm not sure when I'll be okay... But I'm strong, I know that.
I'm not a good person, nor am I a good friend. I can't promise stability, and I can't promise happiness. So I don't blame for people to leave, because I don't think I have the rights to ask people to love me anymore. All I know is that I really need to start working on self-caring for myself again, and maybe I'll be alone, maybe not, but I have to feel better.
I can't change my past, but I'll do everything I can to shape my future.
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