Just Breathe. Just Talk !

          I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not to share my mental health struggles on here, I don't think a lot of people expected that. I feel like people are having trouble knowing how to react, but I'm grateful for all the support and responses. And to be honest, I'm not sure what reactions I was expecting either. All I know is that I have to keep fighting, and keep blogging. At times I feel like I should stop being so sad with my blog pieces, because people will not want to read them anymore. I feel like I should be happy, and making people smile as they read my blog, and giving those hope if they're having a hard time. But no, this is my blog. It needs to stay true and authentic. It needs to be honest, and I have to keep blogging.

          Usually I isolate myself when I'm sad, but lately I've been in such a bad place I don't even want to write about it. The thing is, I know that this isolation is toxic, so I have to fight through it. I need to give the world a chance to understand me. I can not lose this last way of communication.

          So yeah, I've been going to Counselling every week now, and I'm looking into serious Therapy. It's a journey, but it's important. I really need to start taking care of myself.

          Sometimes, the most simple and basic thing, can be the most difficult and challenging thing. I struggle with breathing. Not like I have asthma or anything, but I feel very anxious with breathing. I sometimes focus on my thoughts so much that i forget to breathe. I also fear of others hearing or judging my breaths.
          What if I'm breathing too loud ? Can they hear me ? 
          Am I breathing too fast ? Is this normal ?
          I've not slept at all once at a sleepover just to make sure I can regulate my breathing. Is this weird ? I'm sure many can relate someway or the other. It must associate with some anxiety stuff. Anyway, the point is, I'm working on it. Communicating and connecting with one and other, friends, family...etc, is such a basic human tool, just like breathing. Yet sometimes it's the most difficult task for me. I get weirdly anxious about breathing and I obsess over it. I internalize my feelings and thoughts, isolating myself, and preventing myself to communicate with others. I'm working on it. I never want to let my past to stop me from creating healthy, loving relationships. And I'll never wish for others to pity me, or use my mental health and my past as an excuse for my actions. But really, I need people to understand how hard it is for me, and know that I'm trying. I will only stop trying, when the world gives up on me.

          Again, I know I'm not alone on this, but communication really scares me. I feel like I'm stripping myself naked, exposing my wounds, my scars, my secrets, and my insecurities...etc. I feel like I have to force myself to trust, and believe that I won't be rejected again. I'll have to convince myself that once I open up, I won't be abandoned. It's scary, and I'm really really not comfortable with opening up. I mean, I'm an open book here on the blog, but in the real life, I'm much much preserved for my thoughts and feelings. It's so much easier to write a blog, to be able to edit, and to set a theme, a topic. Yes, these are my raw emotions, but they're more reviewed, formed, and polished. It's different, I feel like I have more control over these thoughts and feelings.

          Just Breathe. Just Talk !
          No. I can't, but I'll try.
          I'll keep fighting, I promise.
          But please, tell me that I'm worth for you to fight for.
          Please make me believe that I'm not fighting alone...

LGBTQ+ History Month - Allyhood.

          Before October comes to an End, and before the world heads into Halloween Madness and start getting ready for Christmas. I want to share with you all, about the beginning of my journey as an Activist.

          On Friday, October 14th. I, as my high school's first ever LGBTQ+ Minister, organized and held our first ever LGBTQ+ History Month Assembly. It was an exciting, rewarding experience, and I'm just so grateful. I would not have done it without the help and support that I received from the school's admins/staff, students, and our student council Cabinet. It was perfect, it was time. I feel like I'm finally ready to be a serious activist and advocate for those in the community who may not get to have a voice. Again, not thinking that I'm some amazing legend or anything. But this is something I'm proud of, and I'm happy that I was given this opportunity to create change.

          We need a community, and we need to let others know that they're not alone. And creating such safe safe goes beyond my activism or the community's involvement. We need allies. We need support. We need people who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community to really listen and understand, and care. We need people to care. It drives me insane when people don't care enough, or just brushes social issues off of conversations. We need you to care, and to educate yourself on how you can help, why we as a community are fighting, and what we're fighting for.

          A great ally is more than just acceptance, it's about knowledge. And I have the pleasure of knowing a great ally in my own life. Hope that her words of comfort to me can inspire and let the world understand the importance of love and respect.

“I support you. I will support you. I owe my best friend my support and my fight. My best friend deserves someone to fight alongside her, to ease the burden of the world against her, to give her someone to lean on when everything she does results in negativity and backlash. How can I sit here as your best friend and not support you? How can I, sitting in my comfortable Cis-privileged chair complain about what I've been through, when you've been through and are going through so much more. How can I sit here and watch you constantly be attacked for your identity and for what you stand up for? How can I support you only when it is comfortable for me, in the safety of your home, but turn my back on you when you're suffering outside just because that it is uncomfortable for me? I will support and I will fight when the fight gets too hard for you. I can't say that I'll be perfect at it, and I can't say that I'll be able to get into it right away. I can't always see when things are happening. But I will try, and I will try my hardest. Because no one should have to face all of these problems on their own. No one should have to face all this discrimination and prejudice and adversity without a friend who will be there right alongside them. And maybe together we can make a difference, and together we can accomplish something amazing, and together we can free ourselves from the prejudice and finally be in genuine, respected peace. I just wish I could understand the adversity you go through, and have went through. I wish that I could be that trans or gay best friend that you need. I wish I could be that community for you. I wish that I could give you that empathy. The support and the unity is all I can do, but is the least I can do.”

- Abryna Bulford

I'm Drowning.

          This is a piece that I've been avoiding, a piece of truth, that's too heavy for me to keep on carrying. I've tried to hide this, swallowing the words deep into my core, yet it has only helped me to drown deeper, deeper into myself.

          I'm... just not happy anymore.

          I've pushed myself away, diving into the deep waters. Yet now, drowning, gasping for air at the bottom of the seafloor, with no one there to rescue me. There's not a search party, the lights are shut, they're trying to forget, they're trying to move on. They'll mourn for my passing, and soon enough they'll forget my existence. 

          I feel Sad. I feel Angry. I feel Jealous. I feel Annoyed. I feel Depressed. I feel Guilty. I feel Hatred. I feel Love. I feel Admiration. I feel Pity. I feel Lost. I feel Useless. I feel Violence. I feel Desperation. I feel Isolated. I feel Left-Out. I feel Lonely. I feel Unwanted. I feel Nothing. I feel Everything.

          I feel Everything but, Happy...

          What Happened to Us ? What Happened to Me ?

          Do You still love Me ?

          Please Don't Leave Me. I Need You.

          It's honestly just a matter of time if you analyze it, or even just think about it. How will I be able to be emotionally/mentally stable when I disconnect from all of those who support and love me ? If I've been completely fine and "normal" interacting with you in social situations, I'm sorry, we're not that close. You're my escape. You're a situation, a communication pathway, a spark of opportunity for me to escape from my feelings, my identity, my thoughts, my troubles, and my life in general.

          I catch myself starting to fear of the question: "How Are You ?"

          And I couldn't help but to take a big breath before saying "I'm Fine/Okay".

          I can't diagnose myself with anything. But I'm simply not happy. Also, I'm afraid to go to therapy because of the stigmas, and how weak I'll feel. I don't think having mental illnesses are weak. But I know that I'm too weak, that I'll rely on this therapy, this comfort, and this answer. I must not allow myself to relax, and rely on someone else. Once I lose that independence, I will lose my sense of control and balance. And when that support fails, I will fall, hard onto the ground...

          I can feel my friends disconnecting, losing faith, losing energy, engagement, and slowly giving up on me. It's not their fault, because really, how the hell is anyone able to make me feel loved and secure anymore ? How are they suppose to keep trying when nothing has helped me ? It's not their duty, it's not in their control. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. Yet the truth is that, I have no idea how to reach out, and I have no stability to provide support at this stage of my life. So tell me, why would they stay ? Why would they want to keep loving me and comforting me when I'm not able to give back ? Friendship is not Charity. I'm an Orphan that's constantly searching for that unconditional support and love (mostly represented as a Parental Care), from people that are unable to give that to me. It's unfair to them, and loving me becomes tiring, almost a burden. Again, I'm sorry.

          I hate myself just so much, so much that I wish to hide myself, I want to isolate myself deeper and deeper into my thoughts. I'm so tired of life, that I wish to sleep eternally, I want to push myself into my bed sheets so far that I disappear. I love the world so much, so much that I feel guilty and sorry for my existence, I want and need to be better, be better for those whom will never understand the beauty that lies within me.

          I'm Sorry, but I just Don't Know if I can Promise to Get Better any longer...

(This piece is a cry for help, an update on my well-being, an explanation, an education, a confession...etc, I'm not sure what you'll take away from this piece. Just please understand that I want to be honest and authentic, and I try very hard to write about my reality on this Blog. So Thank You, for reading, understanding, respecting, and supporting. Also I apologize if some of the topics are sensitive or concerning. In no way is my goal to make any of the readers uncomfortable.)

A Word About... Pornography.

          Pornography in it's most basic, simple form, a Fantasy.

          Personally, I don't disagree with Porn, other Sexual Contents, or the people who use them. What I disagree with is how Pornography is sometimes used and how it's affecting people, especially men in certain cases. Pornography sets an expectation on not only sex, but your sexual partner as well. It holds an unrealistic beauty standards for both men and women, and it sets in a false fantasy for human sexuality.

          I have taken a long time now to actually finish this piece. I wanted to think, research, and actually ask around other people for their views on this subject. I think that Pornography is one of those things that 100% of us acknowledge, 80% of us use, yet only about 20% may dare to speak about it. Knowing that Porn can be nothing but a Fantasy, I, like a lot of other teenagers, have actually learned everything relating to sex through porn. Well, this just perfectly proves that we need to do a better job at educating students about sex and sexuality in schools.

          Again, I have nothing against Porn/People that use Porn, but I want you all to keep one thing in mind - Respect. How are we able to still use Porn yet not objectify men/women only as sexual objects ? How are we able to pursue into fetishes like BDSM and Rough Sex yet not get into the mindset of Violence equals to Rough Sex, or contribute to the Rape Culture within our society ? The porn industry, at it's nature, contributes to Rape Culture. Most heterosexual porn videos show the men in a dominant, and hyper-masculine role. What I've found interesting, is that most women/teenage girls I've talked to, do not rely on Porn to masturbate. Yet in contrast, most men in our society only use and rely on pornography to masturbate. I think that we need to encourage men and boys to maybe cut down their use on porn, and use their imagination. I feel like with our imagination, it can be less vulgar and more-romanticized, plus we can exercise to be more creative as well.

          I also couldn't help but to question a very important question:

          "When does it become an Addiction ?"

"Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol,cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others."

          According to a Psychological definition, Pornography becomes an addiction when it becomes compulsive and when it affects your life negatively. Also, you should experience issues with withdraw if unable to use Pornography. So if your use of Porn has influenced your to disrespect people, objectify people, or to think that sexual violence are okay, you may be addicted. Also if you unable to access porn causes you distress, anxiety, anger, impatience...etc., it may be a problem as well.

          To be honest, I think there's a big stigma around addiction that I feel is fairly unhelpful. (There's literally so many stigmas and stereotypes towards everything, why do we do this to ourselves !?) I personally will never ever and will always remind myself not to judge people with addictions. And no, they're not failing, they didn't fall into a dark path. They're just trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It's extremely easy to have an addiction, our brains do things sometimes to show us that we're missing something in our lives, or that we're just trying to avoid solving a situation. We're all scared, and helpless at times. Who wouldn't want that natural ecstasy, who wouldn't want that easy chemical reaction to relax our bodies and distract our minds ?

          We're all Human, and Sex is well, sex. Porn is not always Sex though, it's not Real. Maybe we sometimes turn to Porn because of our own fear and insecurities around Real Sex, maybe we're scared of that real Intimacy, that Connection. So maybe, we just created this fantasy so be lustful and surreal because we're afraid of the truth. The truth is that Sex is not hot, and that we go into it knowing nothing, all scared and anxious.

          Yet when the time comes, when it's time for the real deal - sex. We hope that we have someone who will embrace our bodies, who we are, and let us know that it is okay for us to be scared, anxious, or not as knowledgeable. And that's when sex becomes something more, something more special, something more than just sex.

          

Self-Care & Self-Pity

          I couldn't stop myself to think of death on my way home.

          I couldn't stop myself to feel anxious in school.

          I couldn't stop myself to think of myself as a worthless piece of shit.

          I couldn't stop myself to feel sad, angry, and isolated.

          Sometimes, it feels as though that I need to die for the world to love me.

          It's always easier to loath humanity, and I wonder why I've chosen myself to hate on.

          Self-Care ? Let's talk about Self-Pity first. Isn't Self-Pity selfish ? Yes, yes it is, and maybe that's exactly why I need it. I must somehow get myself out of this guilt. I talked about not being able to escape from my future, but I'll shape my future better. The thing is, I must move on first. Don't get me wrong, my past will still haunt me, but I'll cope with it, by Self-Care. Yet I still need to move on.

          Asking me to "Just Move On", "Just Do This/That Differently", or "Just Get Better"...etc, is like asking a Domestic Violence Victim to "Just Leave Him/Her". It's not easy, and sometimes even impossible. There's so much insensitivity, so much misunderstanding around us, how can we ever feel supported ? How can we feel like we're protected ? I've went through so much. I'm sorry that sometimes I'm not able to provide you with the best care and support. Yet ask yourself, how can an Orphan love ? How does an Orphan love ? I don't understand how to communicate, when I'm in a home where my mom doesn't speak to me nor tries to understand me. When my dad, whom I don't even see, doesn't want me to go back to my home land because of my identity, or when my brother is the way he is and the way he have treated me. I go home, and I go back to my little room, and I feel alone. How am I suppose to know how to love ? 

          Yet, I'll try, I'll try to love. I just need people to reach out, and ease that sense of insecurity. I will love, care, and give my heart to you once you show me that you will be there, that you won't abandon me like the world did. I pity myself, not to think that my issues are somehow more serious or important of course. I pity myself to show myself a compassion that I've never did before, a way to try ease the pain, the guilt, and loneliness.

          I just don't understand what you want from me. I don't understand how much guilt you need me to feel. You need me to prove to you that I understand how much pain you have, how angry and sad I've made you feel. Trust me, I do, and why ? Because I hate myself for it. And now, it feels as though I'll need to die, or harm myself to pay for your pain. Your pain was caused because I pushed you away. But don't you see that I pushed you away because I was in pain ? Maybe I'm a void that sometimes should just be avoided. 

          With Anger You Left, In Silence You Came.
          Here I Stand, Still, Wishing I Was Never Here.

An Orphan Child

How can you love an Orphan ? How do you make him/her/they feel your love ?
How will they ever trust that your love is real ?
How can they ever believe that you will stay ?
Loving me is tiring, and I really don't know whether it's worth it or not for you in the end.

          Our childhoods have shaped who we are, our fears, our interests, our courage, our desires, and our state of minds. It's true, we shouldn't just go back and blame it on our bad childhoods whenever we mess up. Yet if you can say that so easily and truly believe that we can just move on from our traumas, you're not understanding what we went through. I'm not a psychologist, nor am I capable in anyway to diagnose myself or others, but I've got issues, and my childhood is far from normal.

          It's been a rough few weeks I'm having. And sometimes it just seems like no one can understand. Again, I'm no psychologist, but I do study and have interests in psychology, and I'm noticing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD in my behaviors. My past haunts me, and chases me, and I'm struggling every single day, to move past from my memories, my thoughts, and myself. I have days where I wake up and want to cry and curl up in a ball. I have days where I feel like isolating myself from everyone. I feel sudden waves of anger, sadness, fear, and I don't know how to just stop. I can't stop doubting, questioning, and fearing. I don't know why. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it is for attention, but please, don't walk away.

          Loving me is unfair, because I don't know if I'm stable enough to support you sometimes. An orphan is constantly on the search for love, stability, and support. But is an orphan capable of love ?

          I want to get help, and I want to figure what's going on, but my time and resources are limited. I have friends, yet they don't owe me anything. Sometimes they don't understand, and can't understand. And I have no right to hold on to someone who wants to leave. No one should have to deal with me, no one deserves this. I care, and I care so goddamn much, but I know I can be as cold as a blizzard and be as poisonous as a snake with my words. Everything is internal within me, and everything somehow leads back into the feeling guilt, then into self-hate. For example, I will start to isolate myself because I'm feeling all these intense emotions like stress and anxiety, and I don't want to burden someone else, yet my friend may be trying to give me support and care and just wanna know what's going on. I'm cold and isolate myself even more and push her away. My friends are upset because either they don't understand what's happening, they feel like I'm rejecting their love, or that I'm just being a bitch and looking for attention. Then, I see that I'm being a bitch, so I feel guilty and hate myself, then I isolate myself even more. There, a classic example of why I suck as a human being.

          Lately, the guilt and self-hating has gone a little way too far, I've been actually having self-harming and suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure why I reveal shit on here, but I guess I want to be honest that sometimes life just sucks. So yeah, I'm not doing so well, but I'm working on it. I've self-harmed before when I had depression a few years ago, but no, I have not been doing it. It's just being in that state-of-mind though, scary enough. I don't know what to do, and I'm not sure when I'll be okay... But I'm strong, I know that.

          I'm not a good person, nor am I a good friend. I can't promise stability, and I can't promise happiness. So I don't blame for people to leave, because I don't think I have the rights to ask people to love me anymore. All I know is that I really need to start working on self-caring for myself again, and maybe I'll be alone, maybe not, but I have to feel better.

          I can't change my past, but I'll do everything I can to shape my future.