This is a piece that I've been avoiding, a piece of truth, that's too heavy for me to keep on carrying. I've tried to hide this, swallowing the words deep into my core, yet it has only helped me to drown deeper, deeper into myself.
I'm... just not happy anymore.
I've pushed myself away, diving into the deep waters. Yet now, drowning, gasping for air at the bottom of the seafloor, with no one there to rescue me. There's not a search party, the lights are shut, they're trying to forget, they're trying to move on. They'll mourn for my passing, and soon enough they'll forget my existence.
I feel Sad. I feel Angry. I feel Jealous. I feel Annoyed. I feel Depressed. I feel Guilty. I feel Hatred. I feel Love. I feel Admiration. I feel Pity. I feel Lost. I feel Useless. I feel Violence. I feel Desperation. I feel Isolated. I feel Left-Out. I feel Lonely. I feel Unwanted. I feel Nothing. I feel Everything.
I feel Everything but, Happy...
What Happened to Us ? What Happened to Me ?
Do You still love Me ?
Please Don't Leave Me. I Need You.
It's honestly just a matter of time if you analyze it, or even just think about it. How will I be able to be emotionally/mentally stable when I disconnect from all of those who support and love me ? If I've been completely fine and "normal" interacting with you in social situations, I'm sorry, we're not that close. You're my escape. You're a situation, a communication pathway, a spark of opportunity for me to escape from my feelings, my identity, my thoughts, my troubles, and my life in general.
I catch myself starting to fear of the question: "How Are You ?"
And I couldn't help but to take a big breath before saying "I'm Fine/Okay".
I can't diagnose myself with anything. But I'm simply not happy. Also, I'm afraid to go to therapy because of the stigmas, and how weak I'll feel. I don't think having mental illnesses are weak. But I know that I'm too weak, that I'll rely on this therapy, this comfort, and this answer. I must not allow myself to relax, and rely on someone else. Once I lose that independence, I will lose my sense of control and balance. And when that support fails, I will fall, hard onto the ground...
I can feel my friends disconnecting, losing faith, losing energy, engagement, and slowly giving up on me. It's not their fault, because really, how the hell is anyone able to make me feel loved and secure anymore ? How are they suppose to keep trying when nothing has helped me ? It's not their duty, it's not in their control. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. Yet the truth is that, I have no idea how to reach out, and I have no stability to provide support at this stage of my life. So tell me, why would they stay ? Why would they want to keep loving me and comforting me when I'm not able to give back ? Friendship is not Charity. I'm an Orphan that's constantly searching for that unconditional support and love (mostly represented as a Parental Care), from people that are unable to give that to me. It's unfair to them, and loving me becomes tiring, almost a burden. Again, I'm sorry.
I hate myself just so much, so much that I wish to hide myself, I want to isolate myself deeper and deeper into my thoughts. I'm so tired of life, that I wish to sleep eternally, I want to push myself into my bed sheets so far that I disappear. I love the world so much, so much that I feel guilty and sorry for my existence, I want and need to be better, be better for those whom will never understand the beauty that lies within me.
I'm Sorry, but I just Don't Know if I can Promise to Get Better any longer...
(This piece is a cry for help, an update on my well-being, an explanation, an education, a confession...etc, I'm not sure what you'll take away from this piece. Just please understand that I want to be honest and authentic, and I try very hard to write about my reality on this Blog. So Thank You, for reading, understanding, respecting, and supporting. Also I apologize if some of the topics are sensitive or concerning. In no way is my goal to make any of the readers uncomfortable.)
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