Self-Care & Self-Pity

          I couldn't stop myself to think of death on my way home.

          I couldn't stop myself to feel anxious in school.

          I couldn't stop myself to think of myself as a worthless piece of shit.

          I couldn't stop myself to feel sad, angry, and isolated.

          Sometimes, it feels as though that I need to die for the world to love me.

          It's always easier to loath humanity, and I wonder why I've chosen myself to hate on.

          Self-Care ? Let's talk about Self-Pity first. Isn't Self-Pity selfish ? Yes, yes it is, and maybe that's exactly why I need it. I must somehow get myself out of this guilt. I talked about not being able to escape from my future, but I'll shape my future better. The thing is, I must move on first. Don't get me wrong, my past will still haunt me, but I'll cope with it, by Self-Care. Yet I still need to move on.

          Asking me to "Just Move On", "Just Do This/That Differently", or "Just Get Better"...etc, is like asking a Domestic Violence Victim to "Just Leave Him/Her". It's not easy, and sometimes even impossible. There's so much insensitivity, so much misunderstanding around us, how can we ever feel supported ? How can we feel like we're protected ? I've went through so much. I'm sorry that sometimes I'm not able to provide you with the best care and support. Yet ask yourself, how can an Orphan love ? How does an Orphan love ? I don't understand how to communicate, when I'm in a home where my mom doesn't speak to me nor tries to understand me. When my dad, whom I don't even see, doesn't want me to go back to my home land because of my identity, or when my brother is the way he is and the way he have treated me. I go home, and I go back to my little room, and I feel alone. How am I suppose to know how to love ? 

          Yet, I'll try, I'll try to love. I just need people to reach out, and ease that sense of insecurity. I will love, care, and give my heart to you once you show me that you will be there, that you won't abandon me like the world did. I pity myself, not to think that my issues are somehow more serious or important of course. I pity myself to show myself a compassion that I've never did before, a way to try ease the pain, the guilt, and loneliness.

          I just don't understand what you want from me. I don't understand how much guilt you need me to feel. You need me to prove to you that I understand how much pain you have, how angry and sad I've made you feel. Trust me, I do, and why ? Because I hate myself for it. And now, it feels as though I'll need to die, or harm myself to pay for your pain. Your pain was caused because I pushed you away. But don't you see that I pushed you away because I was in pain ? Maybe I'm a void that sometimes should just be avoided. 

          With Anger You Left, In Silence You Came.
          Here I Stand, Still, Wishing I Was Never Here.