I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not to share my mental health struggles on here, I don't think a lot of people expected that. I feel like people are having trouble knowing how to react, but I'm grateful for all the support and responses. And to be honest, I'm not sure what reactions I was expecting either. All I know is that I have to keep fighting, and keep blogging. At times I feel like I should stop being so sad with my blog pieces, because people will not want to read them anymore. I feel like I should be happy, and making people smile as they read my blog, and giving those hope if they're having a hard time. But no, this is my blog. It needs to stay true and authentic. It needs to be honest, and I have to keep blogging.
Usually I isolate myself when I'm sad, but lately I've been in such a bad place I don't even want to write about it. The thing is, I know that this isolation is toxic, so I have to fight through it. I need to give the world a chance to understand me. I can not lose this last way of communication.
So yeah, I've been going to Counselling every week now, and I'm looking into serious Therapy. It's a journey, but it's important. I really need to start taking care of myself.
Sometimes, the most simple and basic thing, can be the most difficult and challenging thing. I struggle with breathing. Not like I have asthma or anything, but I feel very anxious with breathing. I sometimes focus on my thoughts so much that i forget to breathe. I also fear of others hearing or judging my breaths.
What if I'm breathing too loud ? Can they hear me ?
Am I breathing too fast ? Is this normal ?
I've not slept at all once at a sleepover just to make sure I can regulate my breathing. Is this weird ? I'm sure many can relate someway or the other. It must associate with some anxiety stuff. Anyway, the point is, I'm working on it. Communicating and connecting with one and other, friends, family...etc, is such a basic human tool, just like breathing. Yet sometimes it's the most difficult task for me. I get weirdly anxious about breathing and I obsess over it. I internalize my feelings and thoughts, isolating myself, and preventing myself to communicate with others. I'm working on it. I never want to let my past to stop me from creating healthy, loving relationships. And I'll never wish for others to pity me, or use my mental health and my past as an excuse for my actions. But really, I need people to understand how hard it is for me, and know that I'm trying. I will only stop trying, when the world gives up on me.
Again, I know I'm not alone on this, but communication really scares me. I feel like I'm stripping myself naked, exposing my wounds, my scars, my secrets, and my insecurities...etc. I feel like I have to force myself to trust, and believe that I won't be rejected again. I'll have to convince myself that once I open up, I won't be abandoned. It's scary, and I'm really really not comfortable with opening up. I mean, I'm an open book here on the blog, but in the real life, I'm much much preserved for my thoughts and feelings. It's so much easier to write a blog, to be able to edit, and to set a theme, a topic. Yes, these are my raw emotions, but they're more reviewed, formed, and polished. It's different, I feel like I have more control over these thoughts and feelings.
Just Breathe. Just Talk !
No. I can't, but I'll try.
I'll keep fighting, I promise.
But please, tell me that I'm worth for you to fight for.
Please make me believe that I'm not fighting alone...
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