Senior Prom

          Prom just happened, and it was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. Everyone looked and hopefully felt beautiful, the night filled with joy and fun. It felt like the night would never end, and to myself I thought: This is the Eternal Youth, this is the Teenage Magic.

          Yet, there's still so much anxiety, so much self-doubt... I won the student-voted award of Sassiest Senior, and when my name was called, I strutted to the front of the dance floor, in my giant fluffy red ball gown. Though to be honest, I am not the sassiest senior student in the school, I am not the most confident, I am not the funniest. I know that isn't who I am but a mask, a character to hide my insecurities, my traumas, my struggles. But when my name was called, it felt so natural, it became an instinct, I slipped into my character right away and gave yet another convincing performance. Oh how my alter-ego has consumed me. An alter-ego in which I have created to overcome my stage-fright in grade 9, to feel less socially awkward, to mold myself into a crowd-favourite, an adored and dehumanizing queer-stereotype. This blog is to prove that not everything is what it seems, that behind the glitter fabulousness, I am still struggling, I am still wounded, I am still... human.

          I kept on dancing and dancing, until I see my old friends across the dance floor, the ones whom I have opened myself up to, whom I had stripped down of my alter-ego to exposed myself to... Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I bared myself naked, and I started to drown, but none of them knew how to help, none of them knew how to be there for me. And I became a "bad friend" because I wasn't able to be stable enough. I was "toxic" for calling out transphobic and misogynistic behaviour, I was "dramatic" for my mental health issues, I was... almost it seemed unable to be loved. We made promises to each other, that we would fight against the darkness, yet what happens when I become the darkness itself ? What happens if I got consumed by the darkness within me ? I felt so anxious and down I had to step out of the room, I went out to the patio to get some fresh air. I just feel so unlovable. Am I not good enough of a person ? What is wrong with me ?

          I'm getting better though, along with my medications and therapy, I'm coping. The battle against mental health is not over, and I will survive. I have to. Yet looking back, seeing all the things and the people that I have lost from just trying to survive is more than difficult. And it seems like no matter how much I've tried, I will never shed the image of my alter-ego, some people can never see me differently now. It's upsetting but it's okay, I'm graduating anyways. I'll get a chance to start over in university, to be more stable, to be more real, and to be more happy.

          Thank You to those who have celebrated Prom with me, it was an honour and an absolute pleasure. I had so much fun, and it was truly a magical night.