Loving Myself when Depressed.

          How can one love oneself when Depressed ? Well, can you really ? Yes, of course you can ! It will just take practice, and time. Self-Love is always a journey.

          My therapist said to me, 

"When You're struggling with Depression, You need to be even more compassionate with yourself, more forgiving. Give yourself some credit for even getting out of bed, or getting dressed...etc."

          It seems like an easy thing to do, but it's not. I find it extremely difficult to have Self-Compassion, to forgive myself, to cut myself some slack...etc. So maybe I thought, if I record this journey here, I'll be more hopeful, seeing my progress. Yet firstly, I do want to apologize, to those readers that may not wish to read about my Mental Health journey. I know that I use to write about more fun things, like boy crushes, relationships' dramas...etc. Now, it's just me.

          I drag my body to school, but I'm not able to concentrate in class. I feel anxious, sad, and tired. I just want to drop out of school, and sleep. I don't want to see my friends, and I feel like everyone is disappointed in me. I no longer find joy in extra-curricular activities, but I'm still there. I feel like a zombie, just dragging myself to places where I need to be, yet not being able to feel anything. I feel like I'm not talented and not smart enough, and I'm angry of how behind I am with class work. I start to not see a purpose in school anymore... 
          Now, that's a typical day for me at school. How can we turn it into something more encouraging and self-loving ? Okay. First of all, I actually got myself out of bed, dressed, and I went to school. That's an accomplishment. It is. It is for me. And if I forced myself to go to activity clubs, and engage with social activities (faked or not). That's another accomplishment. I did something. Also, yes I'm behind in school work, but I'm trying my best to catch up, even if I finish one assignment a week, that's still something. Anything, no matter how small, is something. Finally, I need to be proud of myself that I made it through the day, that I survived another day. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new challenge, and I'll be okay.

          I think that I've been hating myself because I have Depression, thinking that because I've driven people away, because I'm struggling, I'm not being a "good person". Yet, I should love myself even more now because I have Depression. I shall even love my Depression. I don't know how much love I'll need, but I know that I need it. And I'll start by learning how to be more forgiving and compassionate with my own self. It's not perfect nor is it easy, but it's a start. 

Loving Someone with Depression.

          I... am Depressed. And as difficult as it is, it's also difficult to love someone with Depression. I, for one, can very much understand how hard it is as my mother struggled with Depression. To witness someone you love and care so much about, going through their worst, and see how they are isolating themselves, trying to push you away, is heartbreaking. Sometimes it's easy to get angry even. It can start to feel hopeless.

          I think that because I've witness my mother, I understand how difficult it is for those around me as well. I can see how frustrating and how helpless they feel. And I'm sorry, because I'm not able to the one to help them, not when I'm this unstable myself. I also think that people don't know how to deal and help those with depression. People don't understand what we go through, and what we need, what we don't need...etc. And I can say this, because I didn't understand my mother, I didn't know what she needed, I didn't know how to help her. Now looking back, I wished I could have done a lot of things differently.

          Look, it hurts. It hurts not getting it. It hurts not being able to understand. It hurts. But, there's nothing you can do to fix me. There's nothing you can do to make me happy. I know how hard and difficult it is to be friends with me, especially when I'm like this. I desperately want to make it easier for my friends, for those I love, and those who are there for me, but I can't. I can't even make it easier for myself. Right now, I can't help but to think is this going to be the deal breaker ? The deal breaker for the friendships I've worked hard on ? Like I've said in past pieces, I can't make people stay, and I won't ask them to stay. Sometimes it may be just too difficult. And if they're not able to be there for me, or if I'm not worth for them to keep fighting for, I understand.

          "Depression really does take a toll on friendships. But it helps weeding out people and seeing who sticks around." (An Interesting Quote I found)

Here are the links to some research I did, which can benefit those are struggling to love and care for someone who is suffering with Depression. (And yes, I do research before writing a blog piece, I like to know what I'm talking about. It's funny, how even when depressed, I still feel like using it as an educational moment to talk about Mental Health.) 

What Nobody Ever Tells You About How Depression Affects Your Friendships

Psych 101: When a close friend is depressed

10 things not to say to a depressed person
Why do people with depression push others away?
How to “Be There” for a Depressed Person
How to Help Someone with Depression
5 Things to Do When Someone You Love Experiences Depression

Waiting For Happiness...

          Why is it, that we're all just waiting to be happy ?

          

          I'm trying to be better, and trying to get help. I've booked a psychiatrist appointment, which is all the way in January. It's always that long process isn't it, making people feel even more hopeless. Yet I have to start now, I have to start somewhere. I can't wait for happiness anymore. All this waiting is just setting me up for another escape, I don't want to graduate high school feeling like I'm again escaping from a sad, dark chapter of my life. I want to leave this place, knowing that I can come back here, welcomed, loved, and cared. That I'll be safe, if or when I do choose to come back. 

          I've lost a lot of people along the way, and it's always because of my mental health. People give their everything to love, and to care for me. And when it gets rough, I isolate myself, losing the ability to communicate, and to reach out. They're disappointed, and they feel not wanted, and needed, so they leave, they're hurt. Yet, now I'm starting to understand my mother, who has always been struggling with depression, and she's always isolating herself, not letting me help her. I was just as concerned and frustrated. But now, I feel for her, I understand, that sometimes, it's just too difficult.

          The thing is, it's not fair. Depression isn't fair. It's not fair that we're not able to sustain a healthy relationship, that we isolate ourselves, making it so difficult for people to love and care. Yet it's also unfair to say that we deserve to be left alone, to be abandoned again, after we've already abandoned ourselves. People who leave us, who think that we need to first figure ourselves out before deserving their love, care, and attention, own the privilege to protect themselves. They hold the power to block the toxic, the harmful, the difficulties out of their life, choosing a lifestyle that we can't afford. See, this is my life. Having an alcoholic father, a depressed mother and suicidal brother, I am unable to afford such escape, such easy decision to protect myself. When you leave, because it's too hard for you to feel like you'e not helping me enough, that you don't deserve to feel hurt from trying to be there for us, it's a disappointment that's common, from the thought that we need to be fixed. We don't. Of course some people will not think that we're broken, that we need to be fixed. Yet, it's a lack of understanding and having compassion for mental health issues. People who are hurt, who are angry, of us isolating ourselves, of us not being able to feel happy, to feel calm, to communicate, to get better, are not realizing the constant struggle and hurting that we go through daily. They expect that we should be okay with the amount of love and care they have for us, that we should be better, that somehow they have the power to fill in the darkness within us. They don't understand why I still question if I'm loved, they don't understand why I still feel like I can't open up, to trust, to love, to communicate. They just don't get it. Sometimes they never will.

          I can't keep asking people to stay, because it's not fair. It's not fair to me, that I'll have to beg, for people to love, for people to show compassion, and for people to understand. I can no longer surround myself with people who don't care enough, who shows no sensitivity to my identity, who makes me feel unsafe. It's the same with happiness, I can't change people, and I can't wait for people, not anymore. 

Being Good Isn't Good Enough.

          Wow. It's almost unbelievable. I've been accepted into the Universities of Arts London: London College of Fashion. It's right here in front of me, an opportunity to study abroad in the United Kingdom, how fabulous ! I'm so happy, grateful, and touched by everyone's encouragements. Yet, it wasn't exactly what I wanted...

          The UAL organization, Universities of Arts London, has 6 Universities & Colleges in London, England under it's wing, each offering different educations relating to the Arts. 2 out of the 6, Central Saint Martins and London College of Fashion offers great Fashion programs which I've set my eyes on. Both are great, yet CSM is just a dream school, which many has said to be the best fashion institute in the world. LCF is wonderful as well, offering some programs in which CSM does not, Fashion Psychology, Fashion Communication, Footwear Design, Undergarments Specializations...etc. UAL came to Toronto to do a round of interviews in November and February, and they've recommend that the fashion applicants sign up for November just because of how competitive their programs are. Everything is a little rushed, and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety to pull a portfolio together. Now, the Arts schools under UAL are special, they are great programs with a certain standard level, and they require all international students and students that just came out of high school to study a predegree program (1 year long) before applying for their undergraduate degree programs. So the interview that I just had is not even for the actual degreed programs, yet the quality must be there.

          I've arrived, preparing myself for the worst, thinking that I may not be good enough, talented enough for Central Saint Martins, the school which ranks number 1 in the world, and produced the one and only, Alexander McQueen. They came and took my work from me, went in for about 15 minutes, came out to get me, sat me down... 

"So Fashion Design. Why ?" 

          I gave my answer as clear and passionately as possible.

"See, the problem is, most of what you have here are not fashion designs, they're just pretty fashion illustrations. Come, let's take a look.

There's not enough work, it's just sketches out of your head, not enough process, not enough design. How are you going to bring them to life ? Is that even possible ? I do like some of them, they're okay. The print works are fine. Your mixed media works are good, quite creative. Here, sit.

Now, CSM holds a certain standard, in which is not necessary better, but definitely more intense. With the works that you have now, you'll fail.

What I think will work for you, and for the best, is to offer you an acceptance into London College of Fashion's predegree course, not Central Saint Martin's. But, since I can see in your application that you're fairly passionate about CSM, why don't you come back in February with a new set of work, but we'll give you this offer for now, which I strongly suggest. Any questions ?"

          So now, I'm not that upset about the offer, since London College of Fashion is a good school after all, and I'll still be able to study abroad. But is this really good enough ? That was one of the most difficult 15 minutes of my life, they didn't give me time to think, talk, explain, or defend my art works. I've prepared to talk about my work, my inspirations, relating my photography, my sketches, my sculptures, and my paintings to fashion and how I would use it in my designs. But I guess there's no time for that, either I've got it or I don't. That's the fashion world.

          I'm definitely disappointed in myself, but I need to have hope as I'm given another chance. I'll take London College of Fashion for now, but I think I should come back in February to give Central Saint Martins another shot. Some people may settle, for LCF, ranking number 8 in the world for an education in fashion. (Which is completely reasonable.) But being good isn't good enough, or is it ? Will I settle this time and not try to push myself over the edge ? I don't know... For now, I just need to rest, I need to take a break, and celebrate for what I've accomplished. 

A Word About... Leadership.

          After OSLC, I started thinking about Leadership, and how we can all learn to be a better leader. I think that especially this year, I've put myself into a lot of leadership positions. I've definitely learned a lot, and I'm sure I'll continue to. And I of course don't think that I'm a "better" leader than anyone, I just think that I'm more critical of leadership values since it's a public service.

          I think that sometimes, in a lot of cases, leadership opportunities are not offered for everyone. OSLC costed like what, about $350 ? It was also extremely loud and crowded, you have to be squeezed into a room with 2000 other people. It was high energy 24/7, and it emphasized on fun. It's similarly to a lot of what high school's student councils trying to achieve, hype. We have spirit assemblies, rallies, events, just to boost up energy of the school. People screaming, dancing, singing...etc. Now, it's great, and it's fun. Yet I feel like we're almost focusing too much on this one side of leadership. I think that sometimes organizations tends to forget the other side of leadership, the more passive side.

          For me, leadership is about listening. Listening to what we need, what needs to be done, and how we can make a difference, and be better. It's about first knowing how to reflect on ourselves. These spirited assemblies, what's the purpose ? What about those students who aren't able to be "fun" ? There are students living with special needs, depression, anxiety...etc. Some are anti-social, and some may be bullied, whom doesn't feel like they can participate, or that they shouldn't get involved because no one cares. How are we suppose to help them feel more included ? More safe ? We need to listen. And maybe I'll get some backlash, but I find that a lot of leaders are leading for themselves. They want to have fun, they like this energy, this party-like environment. Yet, that's sometimes the last thing we need.  It was funny, while everyone else was all hyped-up in OSLC, I was busy taking notes from the speakers. Don't get me wrong, I love to have fun, yet I'm just more interested in learning. Also, not to mention the lack of minorities' representations in many leadership teams.

          Leadership, is not fun. It's not suppose to be fun. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel joyful or enjoy what you're doing, no, but if you're having more fun than the people, there's a problem. Also, leadership isn't always successful. I think that most of the speakers in OSLC are successful in one way or the other. Which is fine, they've obviously worked their way there. Yet I personally would love to listen to a speaker that is still struggling yet kept fighting, that is maybe not successful in most society's eyes. That's inspiring. That's sometimes what we leaders need to listen to, that's what we need to learn.