Flowers In The Shade...

          I came "home" again this weekend, for pubic speaking/activism work, but also for my official high school commencement/graduation ceremony. I was scared, afraid that I won't be able to handle being here, but I've been coping. I'm doing alright, yet still emotional and at times unstable... Feeling like flowers in the shade, desperate for sunlight, struggling to breathe and survive.

          Being back in this place, especially at a high school event, having to see everyone, brings back unsettling memories. I couldn't help but to think of all that has happened... Friendships ending, falling out, breaking apart. I confess, I'm not innocent, I know I contributed to the tensions and conflict, and even though I've always focused heavily on my feelings and my perspectives, I don't think that I have been excusing any of my actions. The fact that I've lost most of my friends and have gotten so much backlash is me being held accountable, yet when is enough enough ? I agree, that I wasn't and am not the best friend that I can be, I still have a lot to learn and a lot of self-reflections to do. I've been and am still trying to learn how to love, yet that's all I've done, all I did was try to love. People can be so merciless when it comes to antagonizing me and my actions...

          The more I'm learning about power and protest in University, studying about the ways of advocacy and anti-oppression, the more I know that I should not regret most of the things that I did. I was harsh, but I attempted to destroy a systematic-power dynamics in between the group of friends, and of course people got defensive and took things personally and out of context. From the things said and done behind my back, there's a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations, but at this point I'm just tired of explaining myself and trying to protect others' feelings while ignoring my own pains and traumas. Some people aren't gonna get it, and some will say, why should friendships become something so political ? Yet it is, all relationships are, especially when there's an unbalanced power dynamic, and as a transgender woman of colour, I'm just trying to survive. I'm just trying to fight for my power. Does that make me a bad person ? For just trying to survive, and love ? And I know that I can be toxic at times, with my mental health affecting my relationships, yet do I not deserve to be loved, or forgiven ?

          I was so emotionally-unstable the last time I came back, unable to handle being back into a space with such upsetting memories. With my bed as an example, it's difficult for me to go back into a bed where I remembered not being able to get out of, being reminded of the ways I've cried myself to sleep and not having the energy and courage to face the world. Yet, I have to understand that I'm no longer trapped, and I'm no longer the same person that I used to be. I have gone way far and beyond, I have survived and conquered. I am better, stronger, and I am resilient.

          I'll always have nothing but love for those who have left me, I want to send nothing but blessings and positive vibes for their futures without my presence. Furthermore, I am so grateful and blessed to still have many who stood by my side, and I'm so happy to building a community and a life of my own in Toronto as well. Thank You, for those who have cared for me, for those who have loved me. Thank You, for those who have allowed me to care and love you in the ways that I could. I will try to stop blaming myself, for the love I could no longer receive, for the happiness that no longer includes me, for the love that had to leave.

           Flowers in The Shade, though desperate for sunlight,
          shall be their own sunshine, and then blossom, for the world.

Denial.

          Without consulting with a psychological/psychiatrical professional, I stopped taking my medications. I thought, that being here in University, being in a new setting with new people, would make me happier. I thought, that I would be happy... enough.

          I'm struggling to face my mental health issues. I feel like I'm in a state of denial, wanting to be normal, to be just another university student. Within a big institution like this, it feels lonely. It feels lonely because my disability is so invisible. Though I can't let this go on, and I can't just sweep my bad days under the rug, telling people that the reason why I'm missing lectures is me being lazy... It's starting again, not being able to get out of bed, and feeling tired for no reason. I'm scared, and I don't have a strong-enough support system yet here to be like this. I need to get myself together.

          And at times like these, I come to here. I come here, to write, to check in with my feelings, but also to update those around me who cares about my well-being. It's funny, of how personal yet public this is. I promise, that I'm gonna be okay. I have to be.

Homecoming.

          Coming "home"... to this town, is triggering. I find myself starting to shake as I see the familiar street views, I find myself out of breath looking at the house, I find myself wanting to cry, but I don't know why...

          Why shall I drag my tired body into a house of violence ?
          How can I force my tired soul onto a bed where I couldn't get up from ?
          What is this room but a prison of memories ?

          I'm sorry. I've cried too many times here, and I can't do this anymore...
          Sleepless nights, holding my broken pieces alone under the stars...
          This isn't what home suppose to be like.

Let Love Grow...

I drown myself in bleach trying to erase the mistakes that I've made.

Trying to die, just in order to be born again...

Why? Why do I murder myself so mercilessly,

Why do I feel the need to birth myself once more?

Who am I but a child, a creation of Mother Nature,

Who am I to have the power to birth myself again?

"You can be better. And I want you to be a better person..."

"But you fucked up here, with me, with everyone else..."

"So take this pill, and apply it to others."

Onto the sandy beach, and into the fresh cold water

I asked for cleansing...

Under the stars, and lit by the soft moonlight

I begged for forgiveness...

How, how can I be a good person?

How, how can I be a better person?

How, how can I be perfect?

How can I be loved?

I've tried to make a home out of myself,

yet whenever one leaves,

I burn the house down.

If one doesn't love me, then I must do better.

I must start over...

It's tiring... to start over.

I won't this time, I promise.

I will learn to grow flowers out of my scars,

and to water the wounds.

Let Love Grow within,

then Blossom.

          Thank You, to everyone who have helped me grow, and those who have stood by me through this journey of self-discovery. I'm off to University now, starting a new chapter of my life, a new adventure. I will hope to continue as an Activist spreading awareness for Queer and Trans Inclusiveness. And I will also continue to practice Self-Care and Self-love, yet it isn't a fast-moving process. My Mental Health has been getting better finally, and I'm full of emotions knowing that I'll be moving to the Greater Toronto Area for University of Toronto Scarborough. It's an exciting time, but also an anxious one, I'll try to keep you all updated by continue to write and post !

My Virginity... ?

Content Warning: Sexual Explicit Language

          I'm just a Sexually-Liberated Woman with a Dick having a dilemma...

          So remember that I shared with y'all on how I sucked my first cock when I was in Montreal, Quebec for a family weekend using Grindr ? Well, update: I'm no longer on Grindr, but I am on OkCupid and Tinder. Now, I did meet up with several guys in the past few months and have had my first kiss as well ! I love a good make-out session, one of my favourites on the menu ! And listen to this, I did let a guy try to put the tip of his penis in my butt while we were hanging out/hooking up at his place, but it didn't go anywhere. He didn't have actual lube and I was too anxious. It hurts like a motherfu*ker !!! Y'all, anal sex is no joke. Not only do I need to prepare myself physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well. So yeah don't worry, I'm still a "virgin" ! I have not yet had full-on penetrative sex y'all, calm down. Though let's be honest here, I'll probably lose my "virginity" this summer before going to university.

          A part of me is resisting because as some of you may know, I'm actually a hopeless romantic ! I love romance, I love kisses, cuddles, and all the cutesy little things, but I've also kind of given up... See, I was even gonna wait to have my first kiss with someone who'll make it all special and "life-changing". But now I feel like I might even lose my "virginity" to a hookup ?! It feels wrong but also... "virginity" isn't a real physical thing, it's a social construct. And I'm a horny sexually-liberated girl who just need some dicks ! Seriously, it's an honest struggle for me... And as sexually-driven and liberated I feel, there's still gonna be a part of me that's a little disappointed with myself for giving up on romance, on "love" if we're dissecting it into a battle between "love" and "lust".

          I don't want to give up, I want to believe that I deserve romance, cute dates, kisses and cuddles...etc. It's just difficult being in a small town with boys and men not seeing me as a "real woman", treating transgender girls as a kinky fetish, that somehow we're not "dateable" just because we're not cisgender. I would talk to guys who's all romantic and flirty, asking me out on dates, but the second he learns that I'm transgender, now I'm just "cute enough" to "chill with"... It's so difficult to realize that I deserve more when all the attention I've been given is purely lustful and sexual, sometimes even in degrading ways. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough to date ? Is it because I'm plus-sized ? No, No, Nooo ! I will no longer allow my mistreatments to determine my self-worth. I shall remind myself that I deserve love, I deserve positive attention, that I, as a fat Transgender Woman of Colour deserve Romance !!!

          Also, the fact that even if I am sexually-liberated, the society and the system that we live under is not gonna let me have control or be as powerful as men. I will need to empower myself and know what I want, then fight for it. #Resist !