The Unknown

       Sorry I haven't posted for about ten days... The last few weeks have just been tiring and stressful for me. Firstly, we had to choose our courses for next year, which is grade eleven for me, and it's pretty important because it links with the courses I want to take in grade twelve and I just need them to be perfect and useful for my future. Then I was informed that even though I am in the enriched arts' program, I may only get the practical arts' program certificate because I auditioned for the practical program when I came in and changed to enriched a year later. This is okay because I want to apply for the Special High Skills Major program at my school next year, but then it will require me to take a co-op, and I can't because a student can only take up to 34 credits and I am not sacrificing the courses I'm planning to take in grade eleven and twelve. So, I may have to quit Spanish, which is fine because I'm also learning French and it's getting me all confused and stressed out. Then, I got into a play at school which is good, but the rehearsals got me even more busy.

        I'm just tired. I know I'm not the only student who tries, and I'm definitely not the busiest one, but I'm tired. I really am. I am trying my best to keep my social, academic, and arts lives in line. I don't even know how to stop my brain from working... There are endless things to worry about. For my social life, I have to worry about finding time to be with friends, and I care so much of what people think of me. I try not to repeat outfits too often, and I'm always afraid of people not liking me. If one person in my class gives me a weird look or says something questionable, my whole day will be ruined because I will not be able to stop thinking about it. I will want to apologize even if I don't know what I did wrong. I will want to make it up to that person and make that person not hate me, even if their opinion of me will not affect my life and my future. For my academic stuff, yes I am in Applied classes, but I still try, and I'm happy because I'm getting good grades. 

        For my arts life, it's tough. I love the arts and being in the arts program, but it's a lot of pressure. It's seems to always be about talent and effort, and still having someone else better than you, and I feel that I'm getting less and less confident, and yet more and more confident at the same time. I know I'm good, because that's why I'm in this program, but this program brings so many talented kids with the similar dream together. It's great because you can learn from each other and get more focused, but at the same time, you begin to see that there is almost no chance for you to make it in the world with your unrealistic dream. It's sad, but that's the truth. If you are able to use this as a force to push yourself even harder, you will be successful, but if not, then you deal with it and find something else to do and be successful there.

        There is absolutely nothing we know about our future. It's funny because we have no idea what our futures are like, yet we are the ones who control and own our futures. It's very difficult for me not to worry about the unknown, but I have to, because I know that there is no time to waste in grade eleven and twelve. We really have to be focus and be clear with what we want and don't want. Although success is amazing and lovely, happiness is more important in my opinion. 

Editor: A.B.

Happy Valentine's Day

        It's that day of the year again... Valentine's day. The day that couples and love birds have been waiting for, and the day that others, like me, will be waiting for the discounts of chocolate the day after. Usually I spend this day alone in my room watching Sex And The City, and imagining myself with someone in the future. I'm actually going on a date tonight. I'm going to get dinner at a sushi place with three other girls. We are all dressing up and calling this a "date", but really, we are just four single teenagers who probably don't want to spend this day alone. 

        Since it's Valentine's Day, I will give you guys an update on my crush in school. This crush is the guy I've been liking for a few months now, and is the same person that I talked about in my other pieces. I have classes with him this semester, and I feel like I'm really starting to get over him. Maybe it's just because I've been stressing over learning Spanish and French at the same time, or trying not to suck in vocal music class, but I haven't thought about him for awhile, and when I see him in class, I'm okay... Sure, I still think he's cute and great, but the feelings are definitely not as strong as before, and I guess I should be happy about this ?

        It's weird, because other people's feelings usually grow stronger when they see that person more often, but I'm the opposite. Maybe what my friend said was right, and that I don't actually like him at all, I just like the idea of him. I really would rather focus on my arts and education and not worry about things, like this, that make me sad. I should not be even thinking about a boy today. I will eat chocolate and think only about chocolate. After all, we know that food is the only thing that can never fail us. 

        We will always be reminded of our single-ness, and there always will be Valentine's Days, but we don't have to only think of this holiday in the traditional way. What if we choose ourselves for our Valentine's so that we can love ourselves and accept ourselves more? If we can do it one day every year, we should do it everyday, all year. You are the best choice, because you know yourself pretty well, and you know what you like to eat and hear. So, you can just buy yourself food and tell yourself that you're beautiful. Everyone should treat themselves better. Sometimes, love gets to be restricted by expectations, but real love is limitless for everyone including yourself. So this Valentine's Day, if you are in a relationship, love yourself more and never let anyone treat you less than what you deserve. If you're single like me, never stop believing that you're worthy of love and know that love shouldn't be provided by anyone else but yourself. 

Editor: A.B.

When I was a Kid... (Poem)

When I was a kid, 

I used to love my flaws because that's what makes me who I am.

When I was a kid,

I used to be able to perform like no one's watching.

When I was a kid, 

I used to love the colour pink no matter what others may think.

When I was a kid,

I used to eat what I want when I'm hungry without feeling bad.

When I was a kid,

I used to swim like I'm a mermaid and sing like I'm a rock star.

When I was a kid, 

I used to be comfortable with my skin and the way I look.

When I was a kid, 

I used to believe that dreams do come true.

What changed ? Society didn't change. It was me who changed. I slowly started to hear and see how cruel and ugly humans can be as I grow. 

Those lies, thoughts, and words all disguised as knifes. It's as if the older we grow, the more we lose ourselves. We started to forget who we are and who we want to be. 

But deep down, I know there's still that kid. I know he's there, all locked up with the chains of judgement.

Can't you see ? 

Don't you realize that there's no "When I was a kid..." here,

 but only "When I was free..." ?

                                                                                                     Leon Tsai

Editor: A.B.

An Audition

        Weeks ago, before semester one ended, I wanted to be a drama major. I still want to badly, but I now understand that we can't have all the things we desire in life. I thought I was doing well in my drama minor, so I asked my drama teacher for an audition, but she said no. She said that there weren't any spaces left in the drama major class, but she also added that she doesn't think I'm able to do it and she thinks it's not for me. I was for sure upset. I even disliked her a little... but it isn't her fault. Then who's fault is it ?

        No one can be blamed but me, even if I had requested an audition early enough, I bet she would've said the same thing. She would've said that I'm not good enough. I felt embarrassed to be honest, not knowing if I'm talented enough and still trying to reach for the stars... Did I just assume that because I jumped from a vocal minor to a vocal major, I could do the same with drama !? I thought I would be at least smart enough to analysis how good my performances in class were so that I could understand what's possible and what's not... I have friends who told me that they think I'm good enough for drama major. I don't usually believe them, but somehow I did. I just wanted to do something special and test my limits, no matter how difficult it is. One of the reasons I'm so desperate for exploring my other areas of talent is because I'm running out of passion. I'm not loving visual art like I used to, and I'm just afraid that I will change my mind about fashion later on and will have no experiences with other things. I love the stage so much. I know it's hard to see my passion when I get stage fright, but I know deep down that I can put on a show... 

        Anyway, I was upset with myself for a while. I was almost angry at myself for trying this hard for something and believing in myself when no one else could see anything in me, but then, one of my friends signed me up for a spring play production at my school. That was my only chance, I thought. That was the last time I could prove that I am a talented actor, at least to myself. I did a monologue that I wrote for my audition, but it didn't do as well for the improvising parts of the audition. Today, I had just found out that I got in ! I don't have a specific role yet, and I don't even think I have any speaking lines... Is being an extra proving anything, or is it just another sign telling me to stick with fashion and art !?

        Well... I'm not quite sure, but if I really love the stage that much and I'm willing to work my butt off to become "worthy enough", then isn't being an extra suppose to be enough ? All I know is that I will keep trying to audition for as many things as possible in the time I have left in high school and make my performances in my drama minor class as amazing as possible. Who knows, maybe having fun and enjoying the stage is just good enough...

Editor: A.B.

'Fat Shaming'

       Recently, I have watched a YouTube video called "The Truth About 'Fat Shaming'". I was shocked by the message and the information given in this video. First, I was very offended and upset with the video, but then I slowing started to agree... The main message of this video is about how 'Fat Shaming' should not be counted as a bad act, and how people can't choose their gender and skin colour, but people can choose their size. The guy in the video also explained that being fat is an unhealthy condition for your body, it gives you a higher rate of strokes and heart attacks... and that it's normal for people to fat shame others because it's not healthy and humans don't want to be that way. Now, when you verbalize and try to explain the video, it sounds terrible and rude, but somehow I agreed with him when I watched the video. I mean... the dude knew what he was talking about, and obesity does raise the chance of strokes and heart attacks. 

        I don't know, I mean... I guess it's different for some others because some are naturally big boned and some have medical conditions. We should help those who have an eating disorders because overeating is an eating disorder, and overeating can cause obesity. 'Fat Shaming' is mean and it causes bullying ! What about "there's beauty at every size" and how "beauty comes from within" and all that shit !? Agreeing with this video's message conflicts with a lot of stuff I believe in. I was just so shocked at the amount of people who agreed with the video in the comments. I don't know what to think about this... I was always against 'Fat Shaming' because I was bullied badly because of my size, and I still feel very insecure with my size... I feel even worse about myself now after agreeing with the video. Sure, it can be very unhealthy, but does it really give people the right to do and say things to others in such a horrible way !?

        I don't know... I seriously don't know what to do or what to think about beauty anymore. I don't even understand beauty to be honest. I try to act all confident and tell people that all sizes are beautiful, but inside I know that I'm not beautiful or comfortable with my own size. Is being unhealthy still beautiful ? I don't think so, because being healthy is one of the most important things in life. Then I guess not all sizes are beautiful ? Perhaps I just need more time to understand the meaning and concept of beauty that applies to not just one but all...

        People keep telling me that I'm not fat or obese, but the truth is, I am fat. Honestly, if people say that we should embrace who we are and our size, then 'fat' shouldn't be an insult at all. I feel like people are too nice and lie to me about how I look. I don't think I'm normal at all and I'm fat. I would even call myself obese. I have tried many diets, but no results have shown to have worked. After all, I still can't decide on what I feel about 'Fat Shaming' and I'm still trying to lose weight even though I tell people that their size is beautiful and they should be confident in their own skin. I hate being a hypocrite, but I just don't know how to feel beautiful sometimes... 

Editor: A.B.

The Real Feminism

        So, if you know me personality, you will know that I call myself a feminist, but lately, there's more and more hate on the idea of feminism, and I just feel so upset. A lot of feminists on social medias have made feminism into a hateful act against men, but no, feminism is suppose to be about gender equity ! It's upsetting how such a beautiful idea can become so hateful and not classy at all...

        A while ago, some feminists wanted to ban the word "Bossy". Then, another group of feminists were hating on a scientist who wore a shirt of a few women in short dresses... Not only that the shirt was made by the scientist's female friend, it's really childish to hate on a homemade shirt that has just a very attractive woman in a mini dress on it. First of all, I love women and I respect them so much, and as a male, I do think that a lot of women don't have a voice and aren't able to be who they want to be, but feminists who hate on the word "Bossy" and a t-shirt is just... I don't even know what to say. Women rape men too, and women can be terrorists too. The thing is that some feminism is trying to put women on a higher level than men, which is wrong and not the feminism I want to be part of. There's so many other things we could focus on and help each other with than a word and a t-shirt. 

        Some people ask me, why be a feminist ? Why here, in Canada ? Well yes, I understand that in North America, both sexes are very equalized compare to other countries, but there are still problems in this part of the world. North american feminists, with its influence, should try to make the world focus on these more extreme issues in the other parts of the world. Like rape and abuse of women and the refusal women's education...etc. The world is getting better, but it's still no where near sunshine rainbow perfection. 

        So, I encourage people to be a part of the real feminism which believes that both genders should be treated fairly and not put one above the other. Feminism should be about accepting that genders have their flaws, and that we need to try to improve ourselves and the world. After all, what we do to each other makes the world we live in. 

Editor: A.B.