If Starbucks be the Drink of Love... Part 2 - All or Nothing

          I think there's a thin line between just plain attraction and actually have feelings for someone, and I don't think my little brain knows where that line is. For the past few weeks, I found myself not thinking about my crush at school at all, and when I do think of him, I don't feel much. Have I moved on because of this new Starbucks boy ? Just like that ? Many of my friends thinks that he may be gay since he's so nice to me, and the ones who have seen him agree with how attractive he is. I guess my taste in boys isn't bad after all.

          But even if he is gay, why would he want anything to do with me ? He could be just a really nice and sweet person who really enjoys his work at Starbucks. Plus, what makes me think that he would ever find me attractive. I feel like there's probably 80% chance that this is all in my head and he's just a normal hot straight guy being nice to his customers. Should I hold on to this 20% of hope and just doing something ? I really have no idea and no matter what I think, I know there will never be results if I don't actually do it. And you know what, I will just be myself and try to look extra cute whenever I go to Starbucks. By the way, this Starbucks is closing and he told me which Starbucks he's going be at next and told me to visit him. The Starbucks is closing at the end of July and if I want to do anything, I better do it fast. Because I know I won't be able to see him often anymore since his new place isn't near my house.

          To be honest, I feel stupid. I just feel really really stupid because I think it's sad that I'm desperate. It's sad that I have feelings so easily and it's almost like I need love to complete myself. This right here isn't love, and it probably will never be. But somehow I still decided to hold on to that small possibility and lie to myself that something will happen. I see some of my friends flirting and stuff and I just don't think there will be anyone for me anymore. So that's the reason I'm trying so hard for this since he may be actually gay. All of my crushes have been straight and I just can't go down that road again... So if he turns out to be as straight as an arrow, I will rest my case completely and just let go. But thanks to him, I think I'm finally getting over my crush.

Love is Love

          So yesterday, all fifty states of America are now legalizing same-sex marriages. It's a wonderful news for America and as their neighbor, Canada is happy for them too. As a LGBTQ member myself, I'm happy to see the world becoming more and more accepting and free. I'm happy to say that I now live in a rainbow continent.

          Of course, we need to keep fighting as there are still many people against LGBTQ+ and many more countries on the other side of the planet still not legalizing same-sex marriage. And transgender rights and freedoms are still a big issue here in North America. The world needs a lot of work to become a better place, and we just need to keep fighting for what's right and remember that love is love. What really disappoints me was a lot of the comments from Asia. As I was scrolling through the chinese news, I read some of their comments of this event. And I don't even know why I decided to read them, what did I even expect !? It was just not long ago when Taiwan tried to legalize same-sex marriages and failed. There were some pretty nasty comments there and it just makes me sad and also at the same time, I became more determined that we have to keep fighting for love and respect. 

          I think people are just afraid of the unknown. They don't have a way to understand or 'figure out' people like us which all they see are differences. And it's similar to racism as it's all about differences and which is more normal and better. I think we just have to see people as people. We're all humans and we all just want to be loved and accepted. We just want to be happy. 

          Love doesn't ignore the differences, but accept the differences.  

Finding My Passion

          Lately I have not been drawing or designing, I've tried but I just end up tearing it up and throwing it into the recycling bin. It's been more than a month since the last time I designed something and that wasn't even a whole collection, it was just a swimsuit. I think that the closer I am to the time of college, the more I want a perfect portfolio. I found myself wanting each page to be perfect and interesting enough to have a 'wow' reaction. This is horrible because I am not going to have anything if I won't allow myself to make mistakes. I just feel so pressured of having something beautiful and perfect because isn't that what this industry is about ?

          It's like I've lost my passion. Now it seems like my dream is to make it in the industry and not make beautiful clothes. I've been so obsessed with being successful that I've lost that thrill and joy of drawing and making women more beautiful and confident. And I have to find a way of making myself feel that again. The old me who scream and smile whenever I walk into a show store, now I just ask myself questions about the cost, the fit, the design, what people might think and how I can wear that...etc. Being logical and realistic with my dreams and desires is great, but it's a little sad for me since I've lost that pure joy I used to feel. 

          Unlike designing, I still love and find it very interesting to write on my blog here. It's not difficult to write how I feel yet it can be very difficult to show that in art and design. So writing is my plan B. I would love to be a fashion editor for a magazine and I would still be in the fabulous world of Fashion. But as you all know, I make a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. It's not that I don't know them, it's just I'm lazy to edit and read over my writing before I post it...

A New Part of Moi

          So, it is now official. I am a Canadian ! 

          It's quite exciting for me to finally have the Canadian Citizenship Ceremony. I think it's a big deal as I'm so desperately want to fit in. My other friends often say that I'm a banana as I'm white in the inside yet yellow on the outside. I don't disagree that I do want to fit in. I'm already unique enough and I just want to be everyone else for this. Yet skin colour isn't everything since Canada is a country with a lot of culture diversity. All I want is to just speak perfect English without an Asian accent which will not be possible because it just isn't my first language. 

          I actually think it's a little sad for me to be this desperate for a status. What am I trying to prove ? Being the same ? I fought my way out of the closet just to show people that I'm okay with being different and I love my differences but this ? I even was going to change my name to Leon. I mean, I already make everyone call me Leon and I say that my Chinese name is too difficult to pronounce. But the truth is, it's not that difficult. I just wanted a common name like the others. I changed my mind after thinking that it's just wrong for me to leave my birth name like that. I should be proud of my name because it's difficult to have many Li Yangs yet there are hundreds of Leons here in Canada. I should appreciate my name as my parents came up with this beautiful name.

          Li Yang is a name I abandoned a long time ago because of fitting in, but I finally understand that I can still be a Canadian like everyone else and still be Li Yang. Now I still would like to be called Leon in school because everyone already know me as Leon, but now I won't be embarrassed anymore to share my real name. I'm proud of who I am and I'm proud of every part of me. And I'm just happy to be part of this amazing country. Yet I will try my best to not forget my homeland.  

          Now, do I get a pet polar bear ? And maybe some male syrup eh ? Or do I just magically become a skilled hockey player ? (Jokes)

If Starbucks be the Drink of Love... Part 1 - The New Guy

         If Starbucks be the drink of Love; serve on.

         As I calmly watched the exam days coming closer and closer, I knew I'm obsessed when I have somehow convinced myself that a cup of Starbucks everyday will help me study. It's a miracle that I've not gain any weight lately by the amount of lemonade I've drank for the past couple of days. Well, I have to be honest that I'm now obsessed with Starbucks not only because of their drinks... Ugh, I guess there just have to be a boy involved doesn't it ? But hey, who can resist an attractive and sweet college boy making lemonades !?

          He was this new guy that started working as a barista at the Starbucks I go regularly a while ago, and he is extremely attractive. I've always thought that I'm lucky to be able to see his face on a daily bases but I didn't feel anything special for him until one day... I was short of like fifty cents ordering one day and just when I was about to change my order, he reached into his own pocket and covered for me. Now that wasn't the first that has happened since I go there a lot, but due to his hotness, I couldn't help myself but to smile like a little girl. Then the nest day, I did something very different from what I usually do and I bought him a cookie. I don't have the guts to talk to boys but that was my break-through. I gave the cookie to his co-worker and left right after without seeing his reactions. I guess I was too scared of what he might have reacted since I don't even know if that's 'flirting' or not.

          A few days later, I went there again and he thanked me for the cookie. Hearing him saying thank you with his smirk were just enough but he did something even more. He made me a grande (medium) drink even though I've only asked for a tall (small) drink. It was extremely sweet yet I didn't think much of it since I did buy him a cookie. But he doesn't stop there. 

          I got off the bus the other day and I walked towards the Starbucks to get my usual sip of the day when I think he must have saw me through the windows because as soon as I got to the counter, he held up a cup with writings on it already and said: "Hey Leon, your usual, the Passion fruit Lemonade ? I haven't asked for the size yet but I will still give you a venti (large) anyway." Now that really shocked me of how nice he is and I probably blushed so much I looked like a tomato. He still continued to be sweet to me now but the upgrading stuff have ended which is understandable. He served my drink in a large glass last time instead of a plastic cup though, I nearly died.

          I don't know if I actually have any real feelings for him yet since I know nothing about him other than that he's one of the most beautiful man I've seen, he's one of the sweetest man I've met and he's an university student. I wish this is something more than it is, but he would've made a move by now if he's really interested right ? But it's alright, I guess it's enough to be able to see this extremely attractive and sweet person almost everyday. 

Two More Years

          As everyone around me is stressed for the upcoming exams' week, I find myself surprisingly calm though I even have summer school in July after the exams. I actually find myself pretty happy of where I stand right now after a few weeks of sudden sadness (Read My Previous Piece). I feel better and more clear of where I'm heading in my life now. I couldn't help but notice that after the exams, I will be officially half way done high school. Two school years have passed like a summer breeze and it makes me confused with the amount of mixed feelings I feel. I'm sad that I will be leaving my amazing friends and this amazing school in another two school years, but I'm excited because I've already seen so much growth in myself that I can't imagine what I'll be like after high school.

          The future is never easy to predict, but I just have to believe that I have something beautiful waiting for me after high school. Me and my friends have been talking about a road trip after high school, I think we all know that it probably won't happen with such a big group like us. But it was fun to talk about it and imagine what it would be like all together at lunch times. I mean, it will be difficult but if all of us want this road trip as badly as I do, we will make it happen. We'll probably need three drivers though, and we all know I will never be one of them. I only hope nothing changes between us through the last two years. 

          Right now, I'm actually pretty excited for the summer. I've never like the summer heat even if it means that I don't have to go to school. I think the reason I'm so pumped for summer is what comes after it. I will be in my last two senior years not have to worry about courses like Math, Science and History...etc anymore. I can focus on Art, Music and Fashion which is going to be pretty cool. Also, I will be sixteen which means I can finally apply for a job in Starbucks. I try not to have too many high expectations for my life as a senior because I know I'll be stressed out too.

          After all, I just am so grateful to be in such an amazing friend group and I can't believe I've already spent two years with them. You know, I was on a radio station a couple weeks ago talking about my life as an immigration student. And I told them that I believed that making friends is always the key to feeling comfortable with a home. I think that these friends will not only make my high school years the best times of my life, they will also help me become a better, more confident and happy person. 

Why Am I Here ?

        For the past few days, I have been feeling a little disconnected with my friends, family, and sometimes even myself... I don't know if it's that little voice at the back of my head making up problems again and over-thinking them. But I just feel a little, tired I guess ? I feel so tired of doing things and I just want to be left alone in my room for a few days with my thoughts. I've been thinking way too much and I need time to reorganize my brain. Like I'm fine and there's nothing really that's making me unhappy, but there certainly aren't anything that's making me happy either.

        Sometimes I wish I could just not care about so many things. It's just so exhausting sometimes living. I know that sounds scary and trust me, I love my life and I will not do anything stupid. But it's exactly because of loving my life, that's what makes my life so tiring. I don't know if it makes sense, but I think that love is just such an exhausting emotion... And maybe because that it's so tiring, I'm still not able to love myself enough yet. At this point, I really wish I'm a heartless bitch who only love myself and live for myself.

        My brain doesn't seem to know when to shut up, and it just makes me think more and more every second. I even started asking questions about why I'm on this planet and what are my purposes of this life. Well, I don't think I've ever stop asking questions and over-thinking things, but I feel like I'm finally getting tired of this. The thing isn't that I do like how I think about things and find the solutions to stuff, but solutions just extend to more questions which will never end. It feels like I've been solving the same problems for years and I just don't know how to organize it anymore. I'm fine with myself over-thinking, over-planning, and all, but I have to be able to organize those thoughts in my brain. And I guess my book keeper killed himself or something, I don't know...

        I need answers, plannings, solutions ! But I guess that's the beauty of the future isn't it ? Life keeps us on our toes and the ones who can look at the big picture as well as the small details move on into the future smoothly. Or maybe I just want too much, my mother always call me greedy. I guess I'm greedy for answers, solutions and most importantly a promise. I just want to be able to promise myself that I will be fine tomorrow with whatever I do and say today. Is that so difficult to ask !? 

        I guess I might just need a little time to get myself together...

Virgo

        Now, I consider myself as someone who knows myself pretty well, and that includes being able to analyze myself. I am very interested in psychology and I'm taking the course next year in high school. And the thing is, not saying that it works 100% all the time, but I think astrological signs are very accurate for me and it helps me understand myself even more. I am not a very superstition person and I believe that every person is special in their own unique way; yet I do find similar traits in a lot of people with the same star signs. 

        I am very much of a Virgo, and I'm proud of it. I will quote some descriptions of what Virgos are like and if you know me in person, feel free to tell me if I'm similar to that or not. I do understand that everyone's view of me is different so I'd love to hear many different perspectives to how I'm presented and how I'm seemed. Yet most of the examples I will use are personal and I don't always share that side of me with many.

       "People look up to Virgo for friends because they are straight thinkers and solve problems logically. They are truthful, loyal and determined. Some people might find them cold or emotionally detached because they live in their minds, not in their emotions and feelings. It might be hard to pin down how a Virgo friend is feeling because they easily live in denial. A person who is able to read deep into another person will notice when Virgo is not well but if they confront them about it, they would rather retreat then talk about it. It is best to keep your emotional distance from a Virgo friend unless they open up to you first. Virgo might try to analyze and control a friend's life but only with the idea that they will improve their life, not purely for the sake of controlling. Be patient with your Virgo friend and understand that their recommendations are only to make your life better." 

        "They need to be organized in their mind, sometimes all their energy is taken from organizing their mind that they have a difficult time organizing their surroundings. They easily look too deep into an issue and over analyze what they percept. Virgo is ambitious and strives to always know more and have more. This is in their eternal quest to bring order to chaos. Even if order is obtained from an outsiders' point of view, Virgo will not be settled for they have a very active mind that is always thinking and can never be silenced. Virgos want to be of use, they need to be important and essential to everyone in their lives and in everything they do. Virgo's major life lesson is to learn to trust in and have faith in the unknown. They have to understand that things in life happen for a reason that is not always known to them, they do not have to always know everything. They need to learn to calm down and not over-analyze a situation or event. Deep inside, Virgo is very sensitive and they need to be appreciated for all the things they do. When is Virgo is offended or hurt, they may never show it."

        "Virgos are perfectionists, but very often, their perfect and purity come as an intolerable criticism for their close ones. They often act cynical, when you ask them any question. Sometimes they are interfering and rigid. They are so particular about their belongings that sometimes it appears irritating. Virgos sometimes react very coldly without your expectations. For this reason, they often lead a boring life."

        We should all be proud of who we are and the personality we own that make us who we are. Even if you don't believe in these scientific stuff; it still can be fun to research and analyze yourself !