Summer Droughts

          Now summer school has ended and Starbucks is gone, it feels the same yet different.

          Yesterday, me and my friend stopped by Starbucks to say our last goodbyes to the baristas as they were packing up the store. After that, I walked home and found myself alone as my mom and brother went out of town. I was suppose to meet up with some friends last night but they cancelled due to some emergency. I thought I was fine until I found myself feeling empty inside all of a sudden. Even though I was alone, I've spent my whole day with my best friend the day before and I just spent three hours hanging out with a friend and the baristas. I began to feel concerned about my need for company.

          Maybe I still haven't had my closure for Starbucks yet but I decided to take a walk when staying in my room felt like I was being locked in a tower. I took a walk into the plaza and bought myself a can of ice tea and walked by Starbucks. Everyone was gone and the windows are covered with black papers. The Starbucks sign was taken down and now it's just nothing. It's just not Starbucks anymore. I walked home in a cloudy windy weather which brought my mood down even more. I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I be happy alone ? Is it true that I'm in this desperate need of love and care that I can not even be alone for more than two hours without going depressed?

          It's pathetic to me that I can not stand being alone. I've always wanted to be like my mother, who's independent and strong, but I also know how empty and lonely she can feel on some days. Everyone has those sad, lonely days don't we ? Then why is it so pathetic to me ? I think that even though I need to work on being more independent and enjoy my time with myself, I have to admit that we humans are weak and it's okay. We shouldn't blame ourselves for being lonely. We should try to fix that.

          I think it's okay for us to curl up in our beds to cry, call a friend, scream on a roof top and just whatever we need to do for ourselves to feel better. It isn't unacceptable to feel down, lonely and sad at times because we are humans. We all need support through our summer droughts don't we ?

My Home : Starbucks.

          The Starbucks store in my neighborhood is closing down. Today will be their last day in business and it's just... I really have no words. I think it's a little funny how emotional I am getting over this but a lot of people don't realize how important this place has meant to me. I've had more than just food and drinks here, I've had memories.

          I've had so many good memories here at this place with some of my most amazing friends who've helped me become the way I am today. It's not only a place for me and my friends to have a good time in, it's also an escape for me when I'm feeling down or lonely... It's worth it for me to pay six dollars for a drink just to see someone smile at me on some days. I love Starbucks for not only the loving environment, food, drinks, but also the excellent customer service. And after I've moved to Canada, this place has just played such an important role of my life. I even have a crush one of the baristas, can you believe it !? It's crazy how difficult it is to let go of this place.

          But the thing is, it's not just a place for me. It's home. I feel safe, happy, cared and welcomed every single time I go into the store, isn't that what a home should be other than the fact that I put my entire life's savings into this ? I just can not believe that this is all ending and I can't imagine living in my neighborhood without Starbucks... You know, I really thought that I would have my first date here in this place, maybe even my first kiss too. I imagined myself going off to college and coming back and still be able to hang out with my friends here. I even was going to apply for a job here when I turn sixteen. I guess the future isn't always something you can imagine is it ? I've gone through so much and some of my most important friends who've walked me through those difficult times have spend a significant amount of time here with me. I just don't think I'm ready to let go...

          I am a person who is daring to love, but also know when to let go. But what I can not and do not wish to do is to let go are the memories that has made me who I am today. I don't think I've ever thanked these baristas or friends who've been here in this place with me when I needed security and care. It's just happening so fast, I feel like I can barely understand what is really going on. I only wish this is just a nightmare that I can still wake up next week and hang out with my girlfriends here at Starbucks...

          At Starbucks, my home...

I Want Him.

          Why does is it that we always choose the wrong men ? Or more specifically, why do I always choose the wrong men ? I won't even call this action "choosing", because there aren't choices. It's like I have this pattern of falling for men who are attracted to women. It's not fair as I believe that we can not choose who we have feelings for. The heart wants what it wants yet unfortunately in my case, the heart wants what it can never have.

          I think maybe I'm just scared of rejections. My friend has been telling me this but I never believed it until now, maybe I do want the easy heart breaks of them just not liking me because of my gender... I really wish I can just not have feelings at all. I don't think it's any easier though, it's just horrible to know that no matter how hard you try and how much feelings you feel, there is absolutely no chance. And it just makes me more upset when they're nice to me, I don't have a lot of guy friends so when they're nice to me, they make me feel special... But what can possibly make me special in a boy's eye ? Never in my whole life, has someone liked me in a romantic way. At least I didn't know any, but there probably isn't any. I hate to be a debbie downer, but sometimes love just sucks. It's true that I'm only fifteen, but that doesn't promise me that I will have someone to love in the future. What do I even have to offer as a lover anyway ? People tell me that I'm nice, but isn't that also what a friend is suppose to be ? So really, what makes me special !?

          For the first time, I felt special because of a man and I have to admit that I'm addicted. But it ended shortly as I got myself out of the fantasy and reminded myself that this man is straight ! I can not let myself go down this ugly path again, I just got over a boy which lasted for almost two years ! How does this "feeling" thing even work !? There must be like a way for me to calm it down, or maybe I'm just too desperate. But I have to admit that I believe in soul mates, I believe that it's possible to find a love one that completes you as a human being on Earth. Because it's sad how lonely a person can feel even with seven billion others on this little planet. 

          All I want is love, is that too much to ask ? I just want to feel special, and I know I'm not the only one as I've talked to my other girls, but I feel like this isn't okay for me. I need to be happy and confident, I need to be on the right tracks and I don't want to be seen as weak or desperate. But I've never felt so jealous when he was nice and making my female friends feel special. Now I just feel helpless, what can I possibly do to make this situation better ? Nothing. I can't do anything but think. Thinking about him and feeling all these emotions that could never be accepted. All I can is to think and to desire, but not having the actual love. I couldn't help but wonder, what is it that I actually want, a relationship or him. My answer came almost immediately and that's when I know that I'm already down on this path again long enough that I can not and will not turn back. 

          I want him.

Body Positivity Part 2 - Health v.s. Plus Sizes

          Okay. I just have to settle this. I know that it seems that I never stop talking about plus sizes, self-love, beauty standards...etc. But I am concerned when all the images of girls online are 70 percent size twos, 20 percent size fours and 10 percents zeroes when I try to find pictures to go with my blog pieces. And I want to defend for myself a little here. I am not promoting a lazy lifestyle with bad eating habits, and I am not promoting obesity.

          To me, being fit and being a small sized person are two very different things. Honestly, I know it seems like excuses using the different body types, bone sizes, and metabolisms stuff, but I do think there is such thing as different body types. I think that if your weight is getting to a point where it's affecting your health and your ability to move, you may consider to change something or see if there's anything you can do to be healthier. But I do understand that many have eating disorders which I've struggled with so I usually never judge a person's health just by their weight and size. I mean, if you're losing weight and working out for the right reasons, then go ahead, you do you. But I don't think that restricting yourself from food and being obsessed with a size goal is healthy either. Trust me, I've been there.

          It just doesn't feel right to say that a size is the ideal look for humans and we have to be that size to be happy and healthy. I'm healthy and I'm a plus size, but I still want to lose weight and work out to be fit. I do struggle with binge eating when I'm upset and hating on my body so I know it's difficult. And the last thing I want to hear about is how I'm not healthy enough. I don't even want to start how the majority of pictures online of girls are with thigh gaps. Like if you have it, good for you, but it shouldn't be a goal for women when it's rare and unreachable. So I much appreciate how butts are more popular now as it is possible for women and girls to have a curvy body and be proud of what they look like. And if you're not curvy, you're still perfect just the way you are.

          Health is important, but self-hate is one of the most unhealthy thing most people do without even noticing. We all should be able to feel beautiful no matter what our sizes are and just be who we want to be and look the way we want to. 

Body Positivity Part 1 - Swimwear v.s. Plus Sizes

          A few weeks ago, I was at the mall with my girls and they somehow convinced me to try on a women's swimming suit. I looked around and I chose an one piece black suit to try on. My friends promised me not to take any pictures and it would be just a laugh between us. So I came out in it and I was not happy at all on how I looked. I was very angry that two of them took pictures and according to one of them, the other one posted it on her snap chat story. They all laughed and said that it actually looked fine, but it definitely didn't feel fine.

          Many of my girl friends have told me that they hated bikini shopping and wearing swimwear. I understood that it must not be a comfortable thing for people to do if they don't feel very happy with their body. But I never thought it could be this horrible. For most men, swimwear is basically shorts and sometimes a swim shirt, but it's still just shorts and shirts. For women, it's a whole different design, cut and pattern. 

          What I've found is that most women's swimwear are designed for small sizes. They have big sizes but it's basically just the small size's design stretched out. That's wrong as bigger people don't look good because those clothes aren't designed for them. The stretching out method may work on many other clothing, but not swimwear. My mother have always told me that "skinny people can wear anything", well obviously bigger people can't look good in clothes because these designers aren't thinking about how these designs will look on bigger sizes. I understand that this is what the Fashion Industry does, sample sizes 2 and 4 and anything bigger is the factory's work. But bigger people deserves just as much attention and effort. I just can't imagine what girls go through these days in those change rooms. Plus sizes now in the fashion industry are size 12 to 24, and some fashion idiots think that plus sizes should be from size 8 and up. I don't care about fitness and health right now, I just think that a bigger size shouldn't be a label and  and means a lower level of attention and effort. 

          I know it would be difficult to alter every design for bigger sizes, but it's our job as designers to make all people feel beautiful. I have problems drawing bigger sizes because I have problems with my own size. It's just difficult when all my Fashion books and magazines are with women with sizes 2 to 4. I really do believe that all sizes deserves fashion, but my drawings say the opposite. I think it's wrong seeing women changing themselves to fit into fashion. We need to remember that we own the clothes, the clothes don't own us. Always wear a bigger attitude than your shoes, that's how you not letting fashion overpower you.

          Why should sample sizes be 2 and 4 anyway ? I don't think the default size for us humans is a size 2. Because all humans comes in different sizes and shapes, and they're beautiful just the way they are. 

He and She Part 2 - The Answer

          Alright. So I've really thinking about it, researching and learning about this topic. And I want to be completely honest. I am not taking time to choose who I want to be. I am trying to understand who I am and this is not a choice. I believe that we're born this way in our own very special way, so just because I may be confused, it doesn't mean I have choices. Because after all, don't we just want to be who we really are ?

          I've always been weirdly feminine I would say. I remember when I was like 5, I used to tuck my little penis under and try on my mother's dresses when my parents were gone. I stopped as I learned what is "acceptable" and I used to pretend that I'm a mermaid princess everyday. I loved swimming as a child and I still do whenever I go swimming. I lived near a community pool back then and I swam everyday. I was obsessed with mermaids and I was convinced I am one. This didn't really concerned me until my best friend showed me a documentary about a transgender little girl loving mermaids and many research on how many transgender children loves the idea of mermaid. The idea of not having what's down there. I began to connect things in my head and it was just a little too much for me. Now, I know I've been bringing a lot of my secrets into public, but I just really want to be honest. I want to just tell myself that these are not embarrassing, in fact, a lot of other people probably have questions too.

          I've met up with one of my best friends and talked about this and I found that I may even be a "Demi-girl" that she introduced. There's so many gender labels, it's not just boy or girl anymore. And that moment, I knew this is all too much for me and I will not and can not spend over months researching and questioning anymore. I now have my answer. My answer is... who the fuck cares !? I think that these labels and fancy names with complicated science definitions are making my head hurt and even more confused. I don't want this. Even being gender fluid where you can't be labeled or be tied to one label has a label, scientific name and wiki page ! And to be honest, I still have mix feelings about how there's more than just male and female.

          It's not that I don't believe that one can be neither male or female. But I think we humans are just way too intelligent and egotistical. We think we know everything and we want to know everything. But I don't think that's always necessary. In my opinion, I believe that there will be more and more these gender labels because we humans will just not stop. The second someone discover themselves as something unique and new, we want to define it and label it to make sure it's accepted and understandable by the rest of society. But no. How about we just let people be who they are and let them define who they are ? How about we just be people ? People is a label that brings us all together and not separate us dividing us into groups. I will no longer worry about what my label is or what I am, because if I just keep living and doing the things I love and love the people I want to love, aren't I being myself enough ? We don't need this. All we need to learn is to accept that we are all the same yet different, and that's what makes this world beautiful.

He or She Part 1 - Questioning

          I think I have to clear something up here. I am a man and I'm quite comfortable with my body parts as a male. I love fashion, and I do believe that fashion should not have limits. But. But you see, I've been struggling to figure who I am as a person. Not my sexuality though, I know I like men and I'm through with that. But my gender identity. I am one of the most feminine boys I know and I do love drag. Is it possible that I will feel more comfortable as a female if I'm already comfortable with being a male !?

          I have been quite open minded about gender identity lately. I usually don't mind if people call me a "she" or see me as a female, because I do understand that I wear heels and act femininely like calling myself a queen. After all, it's just a word, a label. But I do have to admit that gender plays a very important part of who we are and I just want to know who I am. I thought I'm done with just coming out as gay and now this ? It really takes a life time to learn how to live doesn't it ?

          Anyway, I think I can go by both for now, so never feel like you may call me by a wrong gender. I love both genders and all I know right now is that I don't want to have sex with one of them. And I am still scared. Transgenders and queers are still not very accepted in our society and I really don't want more conflicts with my family. I think it really takes strength to know who you are and courage to be who you are. I could be just another gay in drag in the future, who knows ? But I think one of the most difficult times out there is when you're still questioning and even you don't know who you are as a person yet in this world. When we look into our reflections, we should recognize who that person is in front of us and we should feel comfortable and happy. But I'm just here simply don't know. I was scared to tell anyone this for a while because I don't want it to be like a false alarm, but I think I need to show people that it is okay to question yourself and want to explore who you really are. I don't care about the pronouns, gender expectations, which bathroom I uses...etc, I just want to be who I am inside completely and not question my existence.

          I will try more things with my appearances to really explore and see what makes me happy when I look at myself. But I just really think that I need to make this clear since I know a lot of people at school seriously thinks I want to be a female now which is fine, but it's still a maybe. Plus, wouldn't I be a pretty girl !?

The Reason to Keep Going

          I actually have many moments where I've wanted to just stop writing and delete my blog. Sometimes I asked myself, why am I doing this ? It felt like no one really cares about this and people maybe didn't want to read my blog. But then I remind myself that I started to write for myself and that's what I need to keep doing. It would be a little sad if no one is interested in reading what I've got to offer, but what's really upsetting is me needing people's approval to continue my interest. So I kept on writing...

          I usually get a little uncomfortable when people read my blog in front of me. I think it really is a personal thing yet it's so public online. I try to be completely honest with my life on here and I just hope that through this, people can see who I really am. I am not confident at all and I'm very insecure. I sometimes put on this sassy self and attitude around school but I really just want to protect myself. And I do have an emotional side, times where I'm very serious, and times where I make mistakes. I find that a lot of people don't see me for who I really am. And I try not to judge people base on just what others see in them as I know that there can be so much more that they're hiding. I really like writing, because I feel like I can put all sides of me into words and just write about my feelings.

          It's also an escape. An escape from judgement and seeing what others think of me. I think we all need a reason to keep going in life and doing what we do, and our reason should be the freedom of being ourselves and loving ourselves. It can be difficult to show all sides of us even to our closet friends, so writing is my method to freedom. And that's also why I don't like to edit my blog. I can be very lazy some days, but I also like it raw and unedited. It's basically just me writing about how I feel about the tpic I'e chosen and I'm free from judgments even coming from myself.

          This blog is raw, full of emotions and grammar mistakes, and most importantly. It's me.