Roller Coaster

          Things have been better, they really have.Yet, there's this feeling of anxiety, of the need to prepare myself, for the next low. That's the thing though, I feel like sometimes I can't even enjoy my happy moments in life because I'm just worrying and stressing about my next low. I wonder what will happen next, when will be my next suicidal thought, my next panic attack, my next, isolation.

          Life is a roller coaster, and while everyone else seems to be waiting for something, I am too. People are waiting for their next class, for a bus ride, for someone to call/text them back, for their big break, for a job interview, for their exam, for their flight, for their friends/family...etc, but here I am, waiting for my next wave of sadness. I'm trying my best to not write another super depressing blog piece, and really, nothing bad has happened in the past week. Honestly, life just sucks sometimes. I have an appointment with my family doctor, and I'll ask to be referred to a therapist. I'm scared, but I guess I really need it. I can no longer think that I'll be able to fix everything. Yes, I'm strong, but I'm still human, I'm still just a teenager.

          Let's say I get diagnosed with mental illnesses, to be honest I wouldn't be surprised. Well, I've lived with mentally unstable people my whole life, it's difficult to be not affected. And it's not their fault, I love my family, and I want nothing but happiness for them. Yet, I have nights, where I go to bed, wondering if I'll ever see them again. Do you know what that's like ? Can you even imagine it ? I've fallen asleep thinking and preparing myself to wake up to a dead body of my mother, or my brother... It's bizarre, and there's always a sense of relief every morning, to hear their voice, to see that they've woken up already. Of course, they're nasty towards me in the morning if I take a little long getting ready or that they're just in a bad mood. But I admit that there's just such a relief and joy to see them alive and "well" everyday. I wonder if they fear of losing me, I don't think so. Not because they don't love or care for me, but in reality, they are unable to handle my struggles and problems. I don't even think my brother knows about me having suicidal thoughts.They have already so much going on, they sometimes they do nothing but isolate themselves. Sounds familiar ? What a family, eh ?

          I have to get better, I have to be happy. Even writing that seems ridiculous. How long have I been writing that ? Seriously, am I right ? It seems totally unrealistic and hopeless right now, but I know that someday, someday I'll be able to laugh again. Like really laugh, really just be in the moment, and be happy.