So, obviously my dad freaked out. Honestly, I'm not even that angry at my mom for bringing it up. It's something he has to face sooner or later, but I don't feel relieved either. Because it could be a complete waste of time trying to explain things to him. And I really hope that someday, he can just finally understand...
He kept saying that he doesn't want me to hurt my body. He said that he wasn't happy that I pierced my ears either, but what could I say, I already did it. I apologized, and that I don't think if a Transgender person want to change his/her body, it's hurting that body, it's altering the body to match the inside. I promised that if I want to change my body, I will do it in the future when I can make decisions myself and support my own living. He didn't seem to understand anything at all and it felt useless to explain furthermore. He called Transgender a stage and before that is the "Perverted and Abnormal" stage where one dresses like the opposite sex and do minor changes to his/her body like piercings. He treated it like a disease where it has stages and many harmful consequences. The word "pervert" will never be the same for me, and I never thought he could ever use that word on me. I was in shock and kept asking my mother to defend me, but her response just made me feel even worse. She said, "You can't blame him right now, he needs time. I thought that too at first, I just convinced myself over the months and I coped with it better." I found it shocking to know that even my mom thought that of me, and it felt like everything was a lie. I felt betrayed, that there's no such thing as acceptance in this family anymore...
I told my dad that it's not abnormal and it's not something to be ashamed of, that most of Canada is accepting of it and that my school and my friends are all very supportive. I also brought up some names of my mom's friends who've talked to me about this and seemed supportive. But my dad just said that they're all lying to me, no one could possibly think that this is right and that they're all just looking at our family as a joke. It really felt like my whole world was crushing down, no matter how many facts and proofs I had, he could deny it and look pass it. He even asked to meet with some of these parents who have children of my "kind" and wanted to ask how they could do it. He didn't believe that parents could accept such thing and asked me not to wear "female things" anymore. I said that I'm sorry but I can't. I can promise that I won't "hurt" my body before I leave them, but I can not give up my freedom of fashion. It's one of the only things I have left. I need my heels. I tried to get support from my mom again as she was the one who bought me half of those clothes, but she defended my dad instead. They all said that I was hurting the family and that I was being selfish. I felt helpless as there was really nothing more I could say. My mom ended the fight moving the focus back to my brother and saying that she just want a peaceful family and she's trying her best to support her children. My dad added that he would keep working hard for his career to support us from Taiwan. Everyone left the living room and I was the last one to go up stairs...
I cried on the floor trying not to make too much noise and I felt like the world was spinning. (I know it's dramatic and cheesy, but bare with me) I know they love me and that it must be really difficult for them too, but I find it hard to stand in their shoes when they can't even listen to my perspective of things. Trust me, I do want to have a simple happy family and I wish that I'm just a normal straight Asian teenager, but I'm not and I only hope that they can understand someday that I have to be myself. I couldn't help but to feel alone and had to seek for support from my friends... again. I never wanted to be the friend with the problems, but I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends at this stage of my life. (Shout out to my Friends who have not stopped loving me after all these years of struggles)
And I get it, it's hard to swallow so much in just a few days for my family, especially my dad. He came to help my brother, he must be stressed enough. And my mom only ever wanted peace and a simple family. They all acted normal after that night, not normal, better actually. They acted like there was no fight or problems, and my dad has been hugging me a lot. I love my family so much, and I know they're only trying to fix things, but I'm not sure if they can be the same to me after this. I... I think I'll need a little more time and space. It still hurts too much. And I could never forget what hurts the most, him blaming himself and my mom for this. He said that he finally could see what kind of parents they are and that he suddenly felt like nothing has a purpose in life anymore. It broke my heart and it's ridiculous that I'm still the one feeling guilty over this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that he can care more about how others see our family than my happiness, it breaks my heart that he felt like he has failed as a father, it breaks my heart that he might never understand or accept me for what I am. And it will break my heart forever to know that to him, I'm a pervert.
I'm sorry dad, but I have to keep going. I will wear the clothes I love and being who I am. I know I will never be the son you want me to be, and I can never make you proud. I'm sorry that I bring so much to the family and that I'm hurting you all. But I can not back down again, I have to love myself and take care of my happiness. Because who else can take care of our happiness if we can't even be responsible of it ? It's a dark time for me, and probably many others who are also struggling. And for those who's afraid of your families not accepting or loving you for who you are. Do me a favor: stand tall, be proud, and never stop loving yourselves. Because I see the beauty in all of you that they may not be able see. Be free, be wild, be beautiful, and be unique.
Just be YOU.
No comments:
Post a Comment