Darkness is a place where we can get lost. We not only lose our directions, we may even lose ourselves. Yet darkness is also a place for us to hide, from reality. Using darkness, we shelter ourselves from the reality of our society. And by doing so, truths and flaws get to be buried under the coat of darkness, never seen or revealed.
For me, I've chosen to reveal and see the ugly painful truths of society. I want to believe that once I've seen the worst in humanity, I'll discover the best. My whole life, I'm searching for the light, the morality and purpose of life. Yet it only seems to tangle myself with more unanswered questions, losing myself in the dark cloud I've created. I've been through hell and I've been through many stages in my life where it feels like an eternal darkness, but the solution of solving the darkness created by others is easy: strength. But it's more complicated when it's a thick cloud of darkness that you yourself have created. That's the mess I'm in. I was busy searching for love, success, and friendship, yet I've forgotten about myself, leaving my happiness behind.
I started to wonder about the reasons behind my each involvement in life as I want to know if I'm really living for myself or not. I've been talking about how I need to love myself more and really care about living, not just breathing. I still have a long way to go, but it's okay, it's a process. I'm just getting tired, I know I've had people supporting me all this time but sometimes I feel like I'm forced to handle problems alone... It may be unfair to those who've helped me so much in the past, but it sometimes feel like I'm in the dark by myself. I guess we all humans feel helpless and alone at times. But I'm getting to a point of be tired of the challenges in life, maybe its's just the lack of motivation, but why can't someone or something in life just click and give me a happily ever after !? This is me escaping from the truth of reality, it sometimes is so ugly that I rather shelter myself from the world. I guess this is why I'm so deparate of love, I'm searching for someone who can give me a fantasy, a happy ending, an escape from reality. I want a love that consumes me, a darkness that I can lose myself in willingly. This concept is conflicting, because I feel like I'm in the darkness without love yet the love I'm searching for is also a form of darkness ? It seems like I'm just trying to search for another way of escaping from reality that's more enjoyable. An escape for me to no longer take control, an escape for me to let myself go and let someone else take care of me, no more stress and no more anxiety. I want a love that's both the darkness and the light. That's love though, isn't it !? Love is always two sided, it gives us an escape from the light yet shines light through the darkness for us to reflect on the truth and the reality of who we are.
Someday, I'll just give up on this and stop searching for love. Maybe then I can be truly happy, and realize that I don't need something or someone to escape from the light and free myself from the dark. I'll just need to turn on and off the lights myself, just as simple as it is in real life with a light switch.
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