What I've Become

          A woman in my life, who I look up to, who I loved deeply, who I care about, who I can not lived without: My Mother, said that she feels bullied, that she felt attacked and bullied by me. She said she supports the LGBTQ community, but she feels upset by my choice of clothing. She said that it's not flattering on me, nor does it suit me. She said that I don't have enough of a feminine figure to pull it off, and she just finds it ugly when I wear women's clothing like skirts. She said she feels bullied and upset and that she just doesn't understand. Well, I think that she got one thing right, which is that she just doesn't understand, but not only about her own emotions and my fashion choices. She doesn't understand what I've become.

          She has asked me to cooperate with her to make her happier, make it easier for her. But the truth is, I really just can't. I want her to understand and accept me, and I also want her to be happy. Yet in my perspective, this cooperation would be selfish of her to request. This isn't cooperation to me, it's a sacrifice. Trust me, this will not help her depression, or make her happier. In fact, it will drown me in depression and trade in my freedom for absolutely nothing. By requesting me to cooperate, she is comparing her feeling of discomfort of seeing a boy in a skirt with my experiences, my everything, my past that I've struggled through to gain this confidence and freedom. It's defying what I've been through, every bully, every word, every phrase, every beating, everything I've wanted to hurt myself for. This freedom that I have: the fashion choices, my Gender-Fluidity, my sexual orientation, my voice...etc. had become my identity and prove for being who I truly am and who I want to be. It is proof to myself that I'm stronger, happier and that I can be whatever and whoever I wish to be. It is proof that I'm owning and living my life for myself. It is proof that I love myself.

          I know I haven't talked in detail about my family and what they're really like, but my mother has always inspired me. She is an intelligent, confident woman who knew what she wanted in life. She was always so selfless and hardworking, but she isn't always compassionate. It can be difficult for her to open her eyes to see the world and the beauty in the others around her. She doesn't love herself enough, yet she doesn't allow others to give her love and care. She wants to be strong and independent, but I'll be here waiting for her to let me into her heart.

          I love her so much, and I want her to be better, but I can not help her if she doesn't let me love her. She needs to know that I would do anything for her to make her happy, but I need to be happy too. I've worked so hard for this and I can not let go. It's all I have.

Editor : A. B.