Most people use their last year of high school to prepare and focus on good grades, making beautiful memories their friends, and their university/college applications. Yet here I am, still exploring and testing the waters...
I have decided to join dance this year. Many people don't know, but I've loved dancing since I was a little kid, and I've always admired dancers and movements. I tried to join ballet before I came to Canada, yet I was discouraged because one, I'm "too fat" to dance, and secondly, I've been told to not dance "like a girl". Well here I am, in a high school with such an amazing Arts program, I know I'll regret it if I don't use this chance to finally start dancing. I've been introduced many different dances, and Modern is my favorite. Modern is free, it's personal, and it has no gender roles or gender specific techniques. I can feel my passion for dance, like a fire within me, and it seems like it'll never put out. Also, dance is something much more to me. It's me exploring and feeling comfortable with my body. As a Plus-Size, Transgender woman of colour, I've had many issues with my body and appearance for a long time in the past. Just recently, I've finally started to love my body and accept my body, and dancing just makes it so much better.
The open dance course I signed up for is next semester, but I couldn't wait any longer, it's my last year. So I went out of my comfort zone to an open dance audition for all the dance clubs in the school. Like a mermaid out of the water, I felt like I didn't belong... Everyone there have years of dance experience, and I was the biggest girl there. The audition did not go well, and I didn't get into the Modern dance club I wanted. I got into nothing. I felt disappointed, I felt stupid. I don't understand why I do this to myself, I don't know why I thought that I could be good enough. I have no dance experience, and maybe I'm just not talented. This happened for Vocal Music, I came into this high school minoring Vocal, then I switched to being a Vocal Major, and now I'm in two choirs as a leading Bass singer. I had passion, and I worked hard. And I thought that this would be the same. I thought that I can just work hard and give it my all. Yet the truth is, sometimes it's not always about passion and dedication, it takes talent and skill. And really, who do I think I am ? Visual Art major, Vocal Music major, Drama minor, and then Dance minor ? I'm passionate and I want to explore, yet what makes me think that I've got what it takes ?
My audition for the minor class with the dance teacher (Since I have no dance experience whatsoever, she still wanted me to perform for her before letting me into the senior open dance course.) is next week, and I don't want to go into that feeling this way. I can't. I know I'm reaching for the stars, but I have passion, and I can work my ass off if I need to. I will give it my all, I will practice and practice. And I aim nothing less than perfection. I know I'm not the best, but I'll work towards the best. Being good, simply isn't good enough for me. And being great in one specialty, clearly isn't great enough either.
I wonder, when will this end ? This constant desire of pursuing a new area of interest, this unlimited passion for the arts. This dedication, so stubborn and obsessive. This need to feel purposeful, and wanted. The need of perfection. I will work myself to death, and somehow I'm okay with that. I need to be moving forward, I need to be pushing myself everyday. I need do not only well, but great. Mediocrity is my ultimate enemy.
But I need to focus, because right now, all I need to do is dance. I just need to give it my best, my all, and my everything. I just need to keep dancing. Just keep dancing.
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