Taiwan I: Homeless.

          I sat on the plane, wide awake. Everyone else around me are asleep, and my head's finally feeling better after taking the motion sickness pills I desperately needed. I couldn't but wonder, how do I feel ? Not physically, not mentally, but emotionally. How am I feeling ?

          While being on anti-depressants, I will often come back to myself to do a little check-in, just to see if I'm doing okay. The medications help calming my anxiety down, and minimizing the self-harming thoughts, yet at the same time, it feels numb, very robotic at times. It takes some digging to really understand how I'm feeling. I think I've been acting a little emotionless lately, people have been expressing that I'm acting "cold" again. Anyway, how am I feeling ? I feel... good, happy, content I guess. But ? But... I'm lonely.

          It's a strange feeling, going back to Taiwan. My mom originally planned for just her to visit during March Break, but I asked to join. I said to myself, this will be my last visit. Will it actually be my last time to visit Taiwan ? Of course not, but it'll be my last time for visiting my family and relatives. My next time, it'll be different. I'll be different. I'll hopefully be on hormones, I'll be a university student, I'll be focusing on my school, and if I do travel, it'll be with friends or someone else, visiting maybe Europe. This is the last time I'll visit as Li Yang Tsai. Next time, it'll be just Leon. I don't expect others to get it, but the more I'm staying in Taiwan, the more reassurance I have. People can't take it here, they're not ready for me. Taiwan hasn't changed at all, but I have. I am a Transgender woman, I am a Feminist, and I am an Activist. And those labels have become so important in my life that I will introduced myself as those before saying I'm Taiwanese.

          Taiwan isn't my home anymore, it doesn't have what I need. Yet, tracing back to my little moment on the plane, high up in the sky, crossing boarders and time zones. It's strange leaving Canada, it's not... sad. It seems as though, that I have nothing holding me back anymore, there's nothing keeping me grounded in Canada. Is Canada my home ? Does it have what I need ? I would like to think so, that my life in Canada means more than just memories. But then... why does it feel so incredible calming and easy to let go ? To leave ?

          Where is home ? Home is where your heart is. Well, my heart is... within me. 

          So if home is wherever I am, then... Where should I go ?

          Among hundreds of people either going home or leaving home, here lies a homeless girl still wide awake. Flying through the sky, passing boarders, passing seas, the girl asks, Where is home ?