Don't Give In.

 

           So lately, with the weather slowly warming up and us finally able to see the birth of Spring, I've been starting to change my wardrobe for the upcoming seasons of Spring/Summer. And you know what's fabulous ? I've finally starting to gain more confidence and self-love for my body. Plus, I just bought some really cute summer dresses too. Yet while this is all happening, some of my friends have been expressing their concerns...

          People talk to me about classiness and modesty, some of my friends were even starting to worry that I'm putting myself in dangerous situations of assault or even rape. Even though I very much appreciate for my dearest friends' care and concern, I refuse to cover up. It's not that I don't think about the possible outcomes and consequences, or about me having to feel sexy and show an amount of skin everyday, or maybe even me not believing that people would do such things. But the thing is, I don't want to give in. I feel like it'll be wrong to submit myself into this fear. All my life, I've limited myself, I've always cared more about others' opinions and judgments more than my own happiness and freedom. Now, I'm changing, and I have to be free. 

          I am not comparing rape to bullying at all, yet it's similar to back when I wanted to wear heels, or even come out. My friends were concerned about the way I would be treated or the bullying I could face. Yet I feel like I can no longer hide myself or close myself in because of these possible outcomes and consequences. I will not cover up coming from a place of fearing the world, and I don't want to assume that things will happen either. I may be too idealistic and positive, but I want to believe in the humanity and kindness of us human beings. Reminding people the consequences of rape by their clothing choices can easily be a form of victim blaming. No matter what we wear, and no matter who we are, nobody deserves any kinds of assault or harassment. Now, if you're generally upset or uncomfortable with my appearance, I would probably cover up depending on the situation. Trust me, I would never want to upset anyone or force my confidence and fashion statements in people's faces. I just think that all this fear does is feeding into the rape culture in our society and giving power to the predators and attackers. If you think about it, it's cruel, for people to think about what a victim was wearing or how a victim can be putting himself/herself into such situations when all it does is making a victim feel ashamed and at fault. And it upsets me that people think that we should all be cautious and protective of ourselves to this extent because of rape and harassment. And it's true, it can be stupid to still be proud and tall knowing the possible outcomes and reactions. But I truly believe that this is how we can make a difference. I may not be able to do much, but me wearing heels and wearing makeup is my way of standing up against bullying, against hate towards the LGBTQIA+ community and this will be my way of saying no to assault. I will not be apologetic of what I stand for and I will not show my fear or give in to the haters.

          It shouldn't be this way, people should not have to be afraid. Sometimes I get scared too, as a man frequently in a dress, I can easily be a target. But I remind myself that I need to brave and strong, this is who I am and I shouldn't have to be scared. I shouldn't have to trade in my liberty and comfort for my safety. I shouldn't have to be reminded of what might happen to me just because I'm wearing a short dress. I shouldn't have to feel like if I don't be careful and watch how I dress, this possible outcome will be my fault. This is my body, my freedom, and my power. This is me.

          I will not give in, and we shouldn't have to.

How To Be Single 2.0 - Loneliness.

          Sometimes when we're single, we get lonely. Sometimes we even become desperate and turn back and look at the people we've dated or liked. Or maybe even just start to develop feelings for someone around us. But we have to remember, that feelings are okay, yet desperate feelings are not.

          There will always be good and bad times, highs and lows while you're single, or in a relationship. It's just how life is in general. Being lonely is okay, embrace that feeling. Loneliness can sometimes burst out of no where and you wonder why you're alone, and how much you wish you can have someone by your side. Yet loneliness can occur even if you're in a relationship. Loneliness isn't something you feel when you're alone, loneliness is something you feel when you can't accept the way you are alone.

          How To Be Single 2.0:

Don't always feed the devil. Don't always let your emotions flood over your sense of logic. Random Acts of desperation coming from the feeling of loneliness can never make you truly happy, not can it solve the feeling of loneliness. For some, loneliness can even be a pattern. Remember that you're never truly alone, you have so many people in your life and it's really not that horrible as some thinks. Plus, there is half of population on Earth that's the same as you, single, yet very fabulous.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

Gender Trouble Part 2 - Me.

          You know, maybe my mom is more supportive than I thought.

          After yesterday's event with my mom's friend, my mom barely said a word about the topic, so I started a conversation with her later on alone because I wanted to know her opinion of me questioning to be transgender. She's actually pretty chill, but she still lectured me, like a mom.

          She gave me a talk about dress codes and all that stuff. She still doesn't like me in dresses, but not because of me identifying as a female, but because of my size. I mean, her views on beauty isn't perfect, but at least she's chill. She also mentioned that she thinks that I dress myself in a way that's extremely sexy and feminine because of the way I feel like I have to prove my femininity, to make a passable woman. Yet she wants me to understand that I don't need my heels and mini skirts to feel that power, I should have that power in me. The essence of me shouldn't be because of the glamour, the sex appeal, or the femininity that I'm trying to portray. The femininity and grace should be within me even just with my sensual vulnerability. The power and beauty of me should be because of my talent, my passion, my love and care for others, and not be there because of a shell that I've used to prove something to the world.

          I mean, of course she could've meant it in a way to convince me not to dress like that, but thanks to her, I realized that it's true. I've armored myself to such extremes to prove something. Sometimes I dress to impress others instead of myself. And now I wonder if I do anything for myself, because of the fact that I care so much. I just care so much for the others who surround me, what they think and how they feel, but I need to not only start thinking about myself, but for myself. I need to love myself for me and be beautiful because I feel beautiful, not because I want to look beautiful.

          Again, it's a work in progress and it takes time. But this is all worth it, I have to find myself.

Editor K.L.S

Gender Trouble Part 1 - Time.

          During my trip to Toronto for an university's open house, my mom's friend started asking questions about my gender as I'm basically now wearing dresses whenever I feel like it. There was definitely tension, and I tried really hard to explain my case of questioning if I'm transgender and how I identify as gender-fluid at the moment. I also used some of my gender studies' knowledge to defend myself talking about gender theories and the gender spectrum.

          What got to me is the lack of appreciation and knowledge some adults have for the transgender community. The way they think that you have to look feminine and look like a "female" or else it's not natural or beautiful. The idea of a passable woman is disgusting and scary. For example, if I'm transgender and I don't look feminine enough or if people can easily tell that I was born in a male body, I can get more judgement. It sickens me how the idea of passing as a female or not base on the society's definition of femininity. My mom's friend also had a hard time understanding my decision to come out as gender-fluid when I'm questioning if I'm transgender, saying things like: "Why can't you respect your male body?", "I understand, I see some men who are transgender and I see why, because they look so feminine and slim. Yet you have a very masculine body and face...", and "Well if you're gender fluid, why not wear more men clothes, it can be uncomfortable for others...". It upsets me that I may not make a passable woman, yet I think we need to know that this is all bullshit. No one has the right to tell a woman, whether born a female or male, it does not matter, how a woman should look. No one has the right to define femininity and masculinity. No one has the right to decide for you. No one.

          One thing that she said that spoke to me though was the fact that I'm now wearing "female" clothes 90% of the time. I can't possibly deny the fact that I feel happier and more beautiful to traditional female attire, and that says something against the idea of gender fluidity. I'm not fluid. I try really hard not to define femininity and masculinity, and convince myself and the world that there shouldn't be gender labels on fashion. Yet, I still do it.

          I realize that it's no longer about my family and getting the resource and support if I do ever transition. Because, I don't have to have a vagina to be a woman. That is not what a woman is about, and I can still identify as a female even with a penis. I think it's just difficult for me to actually get into the mindset of being transgender. I've repressed my femininity for so long and it's scary. Also, as a person who's very much into fashion and beauty, I know I will never be passable in my own mind. I have to change my mindset, I have to be more free and open minded towards myself. 

          I'm still in denial, and now, all I need is... Time.

One More Year

          March Break this year has been nice. No job, no vacation, just staying at home and hanging out with friends. Though I am planning to go to a few universities' open houses because I have to actually start think about stuff after high school now. My grade 12 year is just around the corner and I have to be realistic, yet stay true to my dreams.

          It's crazy to actually look at the programs offered in universities, I think I'm interested in studying in Philosophy, Social Psychology, and Women's Studies. Where's Fashion you ask ? Well, I ask myself the same question. I'll always love Fashion Design, but I think Toronto and New York have to wait. I need to go to university, it just feels right. I hate to feel like I'm giving up on Fashion, but if I'm really destined to be on the path of Fashion, I'll find my way there. Maybe, I'm just not ready to leave to go to the big city yet, and maybe I'm not ready to leave high school at all. It's scary to think that if I don't take a gap year, I'll be going to university at seventeen. And now, I'm sixteen and still I feel like a baby. I think I'm just not ready...

          My friends are a blessing though. And sometimes I just have moments where I get goosebumps thinking of how amazing it is to have such a loving and supportive group of people around me. It's truly beautiful. It's difficult for me to think about how we'll all go on our separate journeys after high school. I hate myself for having such a bad memory but it's just moments like lying in a trampoline with four girls sharing a blanket at sunset chatting and staring into the sky, singing songs around a campfire, teasing and watching my friends as cute couples make out, or just simply go on the local city bus all together and going places in this small little town laughing and acting silly. It's moments like that, that I wish to treasure forever. And when high school's over, I hope to feel nothing but satisfaction like the way I felt in those moments. It's cheesy but this literally fills my life. I can not imagine my life without these people and these moments. It's my friends, who fill the holes in my heart and give me the courage to dream. I've not been to parties, and have not done much crazy stuff like other teenagers. I've not been drunk or done any kind of drugs, and I often joke about how it's beacause I'm friends with nerds. But the truth is, I simply don't need it. That's how crazy and amazing my friend group is.

          One more year, and it'll be time to say goodbye. Yet I'm grateful and honestly so lucky, to still have one more year to spend time with these amazing friends of mine, who love and accepts me for who I am, and who taught me the ways to not only love the world, but to love myself.

Love Clinic 1.0

          It's been awhile since I talked about Love and Relationships eh ? Well, as a happily single teenager, I may not have many experience to share, yet I think about love everyday. Plus, maybe I can offer a different perspective on Love since I'm single. So welcome, to Leon's Love Clinic.

          Love 101 : Love doesn't Fade, it's the People that Change.

          I believe that the idea of eternity is a form of perfection, yet us humans are far from perfect. Love is an emotion created by humans that can be sometimes forever and even perfect, yet it's subjective. So love can be perfect, but relationships are very flawed. It's often common that we people who are in relationships wishes for eternity. Though relationships don't tend to last forever, we can still believe that our love can have the chance of eternity. Since emotions are associated with memories, love can be treasured and kept alive as long as the memories are there. My advice for those who are wishing on a forever is, Don't forget the Present. If you dwell on the idea of eternity, you'll forget the present and lose your chances to make the moments/memories that makes up that forever. Because you see, all the future is, is really just what the present has became. Love only changes because of the people. Focus on teach other and the moments you share, and treasure those beautiful, and happy memories.

          Break Up 101 : What's really Difficult about the Break Up, is the Letting Go.

          One of the things that hurts the most after a break up, is that you realize that you no longer have a "we"/"us" to talk about, or to even think about. We all can dwell on the memories created, but we need to know that the reason why we do, is really not just because we miss them, it's also because that we want to lie to ourselves. We intensely grab on the past because we can't accept of what has happened in the present. You may not understand, how a relationship can just end. How from now, his/her laughs, tears, blushes, and emotions/actions in general will no longer be because of you, yet some may only be just about you. But, you need to understand, that the more you look into the past, the more you're letting go of the present. What you need is to let go of the past and face the present and be ready for the future. It's okay to cry, it's okay to take time, but you can't use the forever you wished for your relationship here alone. And when it's time, when you're ready to let go. You'll finally be free.

          

Me and Them

          A lot of times, when my girl friends have boyfriends, there always seem to be a sort of tension between me and them. I don't blame them, because I know myself, and the ways I can present myself. It even took awhile for some of my closest friends to get to meet the real me. I can be messy and complicated, so of course, some may not like me.

          It gets tiring, because I really don't feel like it's my job to please people. Though I am at fault for making certain people feel bad, or uncomfortable. And I can't blame Leyonce either, it's just me. To some, I may be fake, manipulative, sassy borderline mean, but I really don't try to be. It just upsets me when some may get the wrong idea of me, and I want to do the right thing. Yet it can be difficult, and tricky. An image isn't easy to change, and how people see you can easily be changed for the better. Yet I understand that feelings stick, and when people express that they feel almost bullied by you, to me it feels unreal. I really don't know how to even say sorry sometimes...

          I have a friend. She used to be sassy but mean, she didn't have a filter and she blocks people away. Many hated her for it and I totally understand how people's feelings could be easily hurt by that. Yet she was dealing with a lot of bullying herself and things have not been easy for her because of her personal reasons. Some still don't accept her past behaviors even understanding how it's not the real her, it's just her defense mechanism. I think it's definitely tricky, and I myself don't know how to be myself in front of boys. It's part of my insecurity too. But I can't used this, I don't want to expect them to understand or valid my actions base on my past. I will not let my past define me, not anymore.

          But to me, I have not been mean, I'm different than my friend with her past behaviors, I know for a fact that I'm not mean and I am not a bully (or at least I really hope I'm not one). I will apologize for anything I've said to make someone feel uncomfortable, but I need to stay true to my feelings too. It's not just about one person, I've been having problems with a lot of my friends' boyfriends for awhile now. Some were jealous, some were just being irrational, yet I really don't know what to do. I think it's sometimes unfair for them to interfere with my friendships. To be honest, I am scared of these boys. Maybe it's because of my past experience with men, but I am scared. I am just really scared and I don't know why...

          I think personally, I need to face my insecurity. I need to end it once it for all and end this cold war between me and them. Maybe it's them and maybe it's me, but I'm just tired. I just want everything to be over and everyone to be happy. I have to make it right. 

A Love Story

          So, UPDATE: still Single, and still Fabulous.

          Story Time: A nineteen year old boy direct messaged me on Instagram a few days ago and I just had the most random conversation ever with him. He was like horny, and wanted to video chat me and get some booty pics, BUT he lives in the Middle East and he has no idea who I am ! He said that he found my account through the #Gay. (I think I really need to start toning down my hashtags now...) I don't know how I feel about this, it's like flattering, creepy, scary, random, and funny all at the same time. After all, he's just a sweet horny guy, and I'm really flattered. Yet I turned him down saying that he seems cool and he's really nice for the compliments, but I'm not looking for anything at the moment, especially with a stranger online... Plus, I'm not letting myself into another online thing again. No matter how desperate and lonely I feel, it'll always end badly because I'm looking for a real relationship. 

          I'm looking for a Love Story.

          I was on the bus alone, and listening to love songs. I started to daydream about love again, just like the old days. I suddenly remembered how good it felt, to imagine me experiencing a real, happy, loving relationship with someone I care about. Now, I thought that I would get all depressed and sad forever-alone after thinking about relationships, but I was wrong. I'm still quite happy of where I am right now. I feel so good lately about being single, I'm so happy about the progress I've made. The thing is, I'm not losing hope. I'm still searching for a Love Story. Yet, at the same time, I'm also taking time to focus on myself and figuring my own Story out. So I'm in no rush for love, because I know I have to start loving myself first. And I think, I think that I've just really finished the chapter one of the Love Story I'm in right now, a Love Story titled "Me & Myself".

          UPDATE: I'm still Single, yet I'm even more Fabulous.

A New Story, A New Beginning.

          I was a Butterfly, yet the sky was still limiting. So now, now I'm a mermaid.

          Before I officially change the title of this Blog, just let me share with you guys the story of why I named it "Tears Of The Butterfly". I've always admired butterflies, I admired their beauty, their wings, their elegance and grace. Especially when their wings are multi-coloured, it's a rainbow. Plus, I wanted to fly, I wanted freedom. But a butterfly is weak, fragile, and their wings are easily damaged. Once a human's finger has touched their wings, the little scales on their wings will fall off and they will lose their ability of flight. Also, with the rain, they are restricted. Their beauty is their weakness, and I was a butterfly. I came out as a gay male, colourful, and "free", yet I was still restricted, confined, and weak. My own colours - the Gay Male label was the chains that kept me away from my true freedom. So this Blog was named as "Tears Of The Butterfly", because all my Blog pieces are as real and vulnerable as if they're the droplets of tears from a colourful, beautiful, yet fragile butterfly. It's my journey, and now, everything's changing.

          I may be a beautiful butterfly. But now, I'm stripping away all my colours, my wings, and my existing labels, to dive into the real world - my reality, the ocean.

          I am now, a Mermaid. And I'm still weeping, as I go on with my journey to search for my true freedom in the endless ocean before me. But I'm stronger, as my tears will now not be seen in the great ocean. My tears, can only be seen when I expose my vulnerability. This Blog, is now different, as you all should know that it's not only just my little daily journal anymore. It's my tears, of Joy, of Pain, of Regret, of Pride, of everything that makes me me. This Blog is a jar that catches my tears like little rain drops, to record and share my story. It's a Mermaid Tale.

          Welcome, to my world. Welcome, to Tears Of A Mermaid.