Sadness came faster than I thought. Well, it has never really left to be honest. The last two weeks have been a high for me, I'd give it a 6/10. That's a high you ask ? It really is. And I've tried my best to make it last, yet it's just draining. I'm tired, and I'm just... sleepy.
I come home everyday, and I want to do absolutely nothing. I scroll through the internet, and then I tuck myself to sleep. I've been sleeping a lot, yet it just seems like it's not ever enough. I'm behind in school, and I'm having trouble focusing. I've realized that I'm losing passion, in those things that I use to love. I almost fall asleep every time in choir. And I'm beginning to lose creativity and motivation in visual art. This isn't right, this isn't healthy... I know. I need to get help, and my doctor's appointment is next week, hopefully I can survive until then. Yet it'll be a long process, I'll get referred to a therapist/psychologist, then I'll have to wait again. Healing takes time, I guess.
What will I say ? "I'm not happy anymore."
Well, have I been ever happy ? When was the last time I can say that I'm happy ?
I can't remember. I'm tired. I'm sleepy.
After 3 hours of napping, I still am sleepy. It doesn't make sense, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night. Why am I so tired, what am I tired of ? Life. Everything seems to be so pointless and I wonder if I'll ever be happy again.
I'm lonely. People tell me that I'm not alone, my friends reassure me that they're there for me. Then why do I feel so lonely ? This isolation, this self-destruction. People don't understand. My friends said that they're hurt because they keep trying to reach out but I'm not responding. So it seems like this violence within myself is not only hurting myself, but hurting those who love me as well. But they're gone. People pulled away, people don't know how to help, people want me to get better first. It makes me angry, that people want me to get better first. It's like they only want friends whom they can have fun with. I need to be fixed, I need to fun, then I can hang out, then I can play, then I can be there. I get it, no one wants to have a bad time, so it makes sense that they wouldn't want me to ruin their days. Yet it's unfair that this isolation is all said to be my fault. Why is it, that I need to feel guilty for not being able to smile, to reach out, to hug, to make a joke, and to respond ? Why ? Sanity is a privilege. I want to be sane, I want to open up. Here I am, staring at my computer screen, wanting to cry, to scream, to at least open up to myself. Yet, I'm too tired. I don't even have the energy, I can barely breathe...
My friends, and all others, none of them are here for me. They're all there, waiting. Waiting for me to get better, to be better. Waiting for me to be... happy.
It's time to think about Universities and Colleges. And I've been preparing to apply to a few schools outside of the country. I want to leave. I've always wanted to leave. Sometimes leaving is easier you know. I've left Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, and my Middle School here in Canada, I've always been the one to leave. Why ? Because it gives me a chance to start over, to be reborn, to be better. At least I've always seen it that way. Sometime during these 4 years of High School, I said to myself, I will leave again, I will go and chase my dreams, but I won't have to start over. I believed that I've found myself a safe place to finally blossom and grow, that I wouldn't need to leave everything and everyone behind again...
Was I wrong ? Did I fuck up again ?
No comments:
Post a Comment