Me and Them

          A lot of times, when my girl friends have boyfriends, there always seem to be a sort of tension between me and them. I don't blame them, because I know myself, and the ways I can present myself. It even took awhile for some of my closest friends to get to meet the real me. I can be messy and complicated, so of course, some may not like me.

          It gets tiring, because I really don't feel like it's my job to please people. Though I am at fault for making certain people feel bad, or uncomfortable. And I can't blame Leyonce either, it's just me. To some, I may be fake, manipulative, sassy borderline mean, but I really don't try to be. It just upsets me when some may get the wrong idea of me, and I want to do the right thing. Yet it can be difficult, and tricky. An image isn't easy to change, and how people see you can easily be changed for the better. Yet I understand that feelings stick, and when people express that they feel almost bullied by you, to me it feels unreal. I really don't know how to even say sorry sometimes...

          I have a friend. She used to be sassy but mean, she didn't have a filter and she blocks people away. Many hated her for it and I totally understand how people's feelings could be easily hurt by that. Yet she was dealing with a lot of bullying herself and things have not been easy for her because of her personal reasons. Some still don't accept her past behaviors even understanding how it's not the real her, it's just her defense mechanism. I think it's definitely tricky, and I myself don't know how to be myself in front of boys. It's part of my insecurity too. But I can't used this, I don't want to expect them to understand or valid my actions base on my past. I will not let my past define me, not anymore.

          But to me, I have not been mean, I'm different than my friend with her past behaviors, I know for a fact that I'm not mean and I am not a bully (or at least I really hope I'm not one). I will apologize for anything I've said to make someone feel uncomfortable, but I need to stay true to my feelings too. It's not just about one person, I've been having problems with a lot of my friends' boyfriends for awhile now. Some were jealous, some were just being irrational, yet I really don't know what to do. I think it's sometimes unfair for them to interfere with my friendships. To be honest, I am scared of these boys. Maybe it's because of my past experience with men, but I am scared. I am just really scared and I don't know why...

          I think personally, I need to face my insecurity. I need to end it once it for all and end this cold war between me and them. Maybe it's them and maybe it's me, but I'm just tired. I just want everything to be over and everyone to be happy. I have to make it right.