I finally did it. I finally went to the movies by myself. I've always wanted to do it, but I never actually did it yet. I went out and spent time with myself in a cinema full of people, and it was wonderful. Absolutely fantastic.
I chose to see the movie "La La Land", and I was afraid at first, since it's a movie with the theme of romance. I feared that I would feel even more lonely after the movie. Yet that didn't happen. The movie was pleasant and I ended up taking away much more than just romance, the movie was excellent. It represented and showcased much more depth than just romance. I was surrounded by groups of twos, threes, and fours. I wondered if people notice that I'm alone. I started to have a lot of fun just being with myself. I noticed that I could just let go and focus on my thoughts along with the movie. I liked that, I didn't like that. I'm thirsty, let's take a sip of my drink. My thoughts and feelings came together and created a smooth flow, there wasn't a conflict at all. I was a peace with myself, finally. I'm so happy that at last, I've taken a step towards Self-Care and Independence. I promise, this will not be the last time I go to the movies alone. And I encourage people to try it, it's fabulous.
After I got home, I started to wonder...
Do I love, because I care ? Or do I love out of desperation ?
Do I care, because I want to ? Or do I care out of fear ?
I seem to be embracing this state of loneliness, this... forced independence. Because all I know right now is that I need to be okay, to be happy. Yet what am I willing to lose ? Maybe, just maybe... Maybe some people will never be happy, maybe some people are never meant to be truly happy, truly free of mental health. Maybe we just need to learn how to survive this state of depression, anxiety, this constant fear of life. I don't know, maybe...
And what will happen when I'm finally happy !? When I'm finally happy, and I find myself all alone, all disconnected. It's such instability, such subtle happiness. What will happen then ? How will it feel; lonely, happy, frustrated, tiring. I will know that I've made it, I've survived, but what does that all mean when you're alone ?
... Will it be time to start over ? To move on ?
After I got home, I started to wonder...
Do I love, because I care ? Or do I love out of desperation ?
Do I care, because I want to ? Or do I care out of fear ?
I seem to be embracing this state of loneliness, this... forced independence. Because all I know right now is that I need to be okay, to be happy. Yet what am I willing to lose ? Maybe, just maybe... Maybe some people will never be happy, maybe some people are never meant to be truly happy, truly free of mental health. Maybe we just need to learn how to survive this state of depression, anxiety, this constant fear of life. I don't know, maybe...
And what will happen when I'm finally happy !? When I'm finally happy, and I find myself all alone, all disconnected. It's such instability, such subtle happiness. What will happen then ? How will it feel; lonely, happy, frustrated, tiring. I will know that I've made it, I've survived, but what does that all mean when you're alone ?
... Will it be time to start over ? To move on ?
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