Do you ever feel lost ? Lost in life, and you feel almost nothing ? You want to cry, but no tears come out and you force yourself to laugh to feel at least something. After the fun and laughter, you still feel empty, like that didn't happen at all. High school is a place where it's very easy to get lost. I wouldn't call this depression, it's much scarier than depression. It's losing yourself. I remembered someone told me that grade 10 is a year that people become lost and try to find their place in school. I didn't believe it at first. I thought to myself that I won't be like that, because I know who I am and where I'm going to be, but these days, I don't know what's happening to me. I don't even feel like going to school or meeting up with my friends, and when I meet friends, I mostly get angry, upset, and offended easily. I can't even remember how many diva fights I've gotten into the last few weeks.
I don't think I need to change at all. I think I just need to find who I am again. If I don't, I will hurt a lot of the people who loves and supports me. Maybe the reason why I'm finding all these troubles is my desperation to feel. Is it worth it to lose a friend just to feel emotions again ? I need to find a different approach.
When I become more dramatic and sassy, the more empty I feel sometimes. It's becoming more and more fake, like acting. I know I can't act my way through life. The question is, why ? Where is the emptiness even coming from ? I know I have a lot on my mind right now, but these thoughts have been bothering me for months so I don't know why this thing has only been happening for a few days. I'm upset about Italy, not getting a job, not sewing, and not doing well with my arts courses. The Italy thing and the job search I don't even wanna talk about, but not sewing and designing is just me being tired and not motivated. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed every day after school.
I made a big fuss about feeling not good enough in my artistic areas with my friends, and they assured me that I'm doing good. I dropped the problem because it's even annoying me that I keep saying I suck. The truth is, I still don't think I'm good enough, and it surprises me how I don't even care anymore. It seems like I have more confidence now, but I just kinda tell myself that it's okay to suck. It doesn't matter if my vocal or visual art is good or not good anymore, as long as I'm not the worst.
I don't know what to say. I want a break from school and just sleep like bears in the winter, and maybe when I wake up, I would be happy and energetic again.
Editor: A.B.
This is very common. Don't worry you are not alone. And technically you are feeling; you are just not feeling happy and motivated. You have to stop beating up yourself. Try yoga or some kind of meditation. It might feel like it's not working at the start, but trust me it will feel relaxing. Positive energy will flow in your mind and soul in no time. Take it slow. And the statement about people saying grade 10 is the year you lose yourself is false. You lose yourself throughout your whole life, you just rediscover yourself each time. Learn something you never realized about who you are. It gets better. I promise. ~ The beginning is always the hardest part, but don't give up. ~ "Pain is Temporary, Pride if Forever" (Marcel Ngyuen's tattoo, he is a german artistic gymnast if you are wondering) contact me at: http://imatroubledchild.tumblr.com/
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