Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

      Maturity is something a lot of teenage boys don't have. Sometimes it seems even more childish to argue with them, so maybe we will just have to wait for them grow up, and then they will look back and understand how stupid they were. Before I came out, I was one of these immature boys, at least I tried to be. I was so desperate to fit in, I forgot who I was. Even now I still regret that my friendships with them ended. There's something about them. The things they do are so pointless and dangerous but they're still cool and fun. I just love how they seem to live their days to the fullest and never regret anything. They don't talk or worry about their futures in front of people, and people think that they don't care about where their lives are going. People assume that they are completely carefree, but I'm sure they worry about things and think about their futures.

      The thing is, these boys hurt people with jokes, words, and whispers. People call them jerks and dislike them. Sometimes the boys would cross the line, and people called them bullies. However, I couldn't help but wonder if the situations counted as bullying, because sometimes humans are over-sensitive and can't take a joke. I understand that a lot of people might disagree with me on this (including your editor), but maybe if we become stronger, bullies can't bully us and there will be no bullies. We can't change people, but what we can do is change ourselves into stronger and more mature beings.

      Sometimes, I blame myself for what happened between me and the guys. I admit, I got weak and depressed by some words and jokes, and they got in trouble because of me. Maybe if I had taken those words as jokes and laughed with them, our friendship could have been saved. The truth is, they still tried to hang out with me even after I came out. I just felt too uncomfortable and awkward, so I denied. I have feelings for the guys, some of them are really attractive, and I don't think I can hide myself anymore. Yet, I don't think I'm strong enough to let them see the real me yet.

      All I can do now is accept the past, and let it go. Friends come and go, but whoever's meant to be with you forever will stay.The bottom line is: I miss the guys, and even if I'm gay, I still have that little guy-ness in me that my girl friends will never understand.

Editor: A.B.