10 pounds huh ? It's still not enough for me though. my goal is to lose about 40 pounds. But don't worry, I will take breaks off my diet, I can't just eat veggies forever. The thing is, I'm not unhappy this time when I try this diet. Last time, I was a little complaining, hungry bitch. Now I still get hungry and give puppy dog eyes to my friends whenever they eat something I love, but I'm not like a bitch about it. I just wished I had more support from my friends, but I'm getting a lot of support from my mom though. She's happy I'm finally wanting to get fit. She loves everyone and all, but she doesn't think bigger is always beautiful, which can be hurtful sometimes.
I think I want to explain myself a little bit. I am the biggest size wise in my family, school's friends group, and my friends group outside of school. Yes, they all love me, but what I feel sometimes is just horrible.
Every night before I shower, I look at myself in the mirror. Just staring, not words, no emotions, no thoughts, just stares. I wonder why I'm not hating anymore, because I would have last year. And I think I've kinda just given up on myself a little bit, I'm starting to believe that I will just always be like this and I can be that rich fat designer who just hook up with men online. But I deserve love, not only by others, but from myself too. I want to love food and enjoy life, but when I run my finger tips through my body, I feel nothing. I have somehow forgotten how to hate or love myself.
Now, I almost feel sorry for myself, and I want to be successful even more. I want to promise myself that I will make up for what I've done to my body. Because at the end, it's my fault for being fat, it's no one else's but mine. But I've been acting on it, that's why I'm on this diet. I want to be comfortable and happy with myself before it's too late. I want to feel confident and beautiful in every single way, and not feel the need to use fashion as my armor or defense. Fashion should be what we use to help our beauty, not to be used as our beauty. I think I will still keep telling girls to stay the way they are and just be confident. People need to know how beautiful they are. And if I can make them believe me, maybe someday I will believe it too...
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