I have to be honest, after being at that summer Bible Camp, it has been difficult. I was baptized a few years ago when I was in Singapore and I've always treasured my relationship with God. I was never too religious, but I had a lot faith as I watched my mother walked out of depression with God. I really believed that there is a God and that he's there to help and love us. But after I came out, everything changed.
I was scared, not that I thought anyone would not let me worship in church when they know my sexual orientation. But I felt like God has stopped loving me because of my decision of being who I am. Those few Bible verses suddenly became so real, cruel and hurtful, and it distanced my relationship with my faith. And then in high school, I've became friends with a religious girl who invited me to go to her church's weekly youth group. I first went just to hang out with her and some other friends, but I slowly gotten back with God and start having hope again. I didn't care about those verses anymore as I chose to focus on the main message of the Bible, love. Now ever since the Bible Camp, I've been questioning if I'm really homosexual again. I know, seriously right !? I don't even know why I do this to myself, I'm just scared to be wrong I guess. The preacher at the camp said that sins are sins not because God decided to make some rules, sins are sins because they are harmful. But how is me loving a man harmful in any way ? It just doesn't make sense to me, and I really want a close relationship with God again, but I just feel conflicted... I can not believe in something where I have to just ignore some parts of it. And I can't argue with the Bible either. But I really just don't have any attractions for females ! I wish I do, girls are beautiful, but I love men. I try imagining myself with my female friends and it just doesn't work. So I am gay for sure, now it's just me conflicting with my faith all over again...
It's like taking a big step back in time for me which is sad, I've worked so hard to understand and accept who I am. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm a Christian. Every time I tell people that I'm a Christian, it feels weird. It's definitely not easy to commit to a religion, and I just feel almost not worthy enough to be Christian. Is really believing that there is a God and that Jesus died for our sins enough ? Or are religions really just a way for us humans to comfort ourselves with the fear of nothingness after death ? Questions can never be answered without a new doubt and I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time... I believed that faith shouldn't feel this way. I want to be comfortable, secure, free, loved and saved by Christianity. This is not how hope should feel.
But I can't, I really just can't. Even without my heels, my flamboyant behavior, my sassy attitude, and my stylish clothing, I still am attracted to men. And it's not like I was raised to be gay, come on, there is nothing fabulous about growing up in an Asian family. I guess the remaining possibilities of me loving men is either me controlled by Satan or that I'm really born this way. And I would really rather go with the Lady Gaga song explanation.
There is no way I'm letting myself feel like I'm going to hell. I need to just put on my heels and be my fabulous self. We all should just be ourselves, even if it means to sacrifice our faith. Because God would want us to be happy I would hope. He would want us to love and accept ourselves like the way he does to the world. And it's okay to feel conflicted, questioned with our faith. Only with questions, we can have answers or realizations to who we really are and what we believe in.
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