A Hue of Yellow-Orange

          As I stood in the Rain, I allowed myself to Cry.

"Crying in the Rain ? Drama Queen."

          Why is it, that even at my lowest, I still can't love myself ?

"Who do you think you are ? You're not in a movie, don't flatter yourself."

          I look up into the sky, and closed my eyes.

          I tried to shut out the thoughts, trying to focus on the sounds of the wind, the rain, the thunder, and my own breathing. It's no use. Fine, you win... Again.

"You're a bad person to make it about you, you made her worried, you made them see you as the victim, again. You're not a victim, you created this. You had the power to change, to love him more, to care for him different, to support him in the ways he needed."

          It's true. I always knew how to treat him the way he wanted, but I didn't. I always said that he didn't know how to love, but do I ? Am I loving ? Am I kind ? Am I a good person ?

          I'm not deep, elegant, and powerful like a hue of deep blue-violet.

          I'm not bright, beautiful, clear, and calming like a hue of turquoise.

          I'm not confident, happy, and pretty like a hue of sparkling pink.

          I'm a hue of Yellow-Orange.

          I've always hated Oranges and Yellows. Yet it was that defining moment in the rain, that I realized how much hate I have for myself. Not because of my race, not because of my appearance, not because of my size, not because of my gender identity or my sexuality. It's because I've always been trying to be something I'm not. I try to have the wisdom of a deep blue-violet, I try to have the emotions of a turquoise, and I try to have the confidence of a sparkling pink.

          Like a faint ray of sunshine, having the dream of lighting the world, and warming up the hearts of people. Yet, I know I'm not capable. I know I'm not that special. I know, that I'm weak. I need love, I want to be held, and cared. I want to cry in someone's arms, and I want someone to help me, to tell me that I'll be okay. But I can't, I won't. It's selfish, It's weak. I will always try to be something more, I want to bury myself, bury my weakness.

          But now we know, the truth. I'm a Yellow-Orange. Just, Yellow-Orange.