I am... Perverted. Part 2 - Dying A Little Inside

          So, obviously my dad freaked out. Honestly, I'm not even that angry at my mom for bringing it up. It's something he has to face sooner or later, but I don't feel relieved either. Because it could be a complete waste of time trying to explain things to him. And I really hope that someday, he can just finally understand...

          He kept saying that he doesn't want me to hurt my body. He said that he wasn't happy that I pierced my ears either, but what could I say, I already did it. I apologized, and that I don't think if a Transgender person want to change his/her body, it's hurting that body, it's altering the body to match the inside. I promised that if I want to change my body, I will do it in the future when I can make decisions myself and support my own living. He didn't seem to understand anything at all and it felt useless to explain furthermore. He called Transgender a stage and before that is the "Perverted and Abnormal" stage where one dresses like the opposite sex and do minor changes to his/her body like piercings. He treated it like a disease where it has stages and many harmful consequences. The word "pervert" will never be the same for me, and I never thought he could ever use that word on me. I was in shock and kept asking my mother to defend me, but her response just made me feel even worse. She said, "You can't blame him right now, he needs time. I thought that too at first, I just convinced myself over the months and I coped with it better." I found it shocking to know that even my mom thought that of me, and it felt like everything was a lie. I felt betrayed, that there's no such thing as acceptance in this family anymore...

          I told my dad that it's not abnormal and it's not something to be ashamed of, that most of Canada is accepting of it and that my school and my friends are all very supportive. I also brought up some names of my mom's friends who've talked to me about this and seemed supportive. But my dad just said that they're all lying to me, no one could possibly think that this is right and that they're all just looking at our family as a joke. It really felt like my whole world was crushing down, no matter how many facts and proofs I had, he could deny it and look pass it. He even asked to meet with some of these parents who have children of my "kind" and wanted to ask how they could do it. He didn't believe that parents could accept such thing and asked me not to wear "female things" anymore. I said that I'm sorry but I can't. I can promise that I won't "hurt" my body before I leave them, but I can not give up my freedom of fashion. It's one of the only things I have left. I need my heels. I tried to get support from my mom again as she was the one who bought me half of those clothes, but she defended my dad instead. They all said that I was hurting the family and that I was being selfish. I felt helpless as there was really nothing more I could say. My mom ended the fight moving the focus back to my brother and saying that she just want a peaceful family and she's trying her best to support her children. My dad added that he would keep working hard for his career to support us from Taiwan. Everyone left the living room and I was the last one to go up stairs...

          I cried on the floor trying not to make too much noise and I felt like the world was spinning. (I know it's dramatic and cheesy, but bare with me) I know they love me and that it must be really difficult for them too, but I find it hard to stand in their shoes when they can't even listen to my perspective of things. Trust me, I do want to have a simple happy family and I wish that I'm just a normal straight Asian teenager, but I'm not and I only hope that they can understand someday that I have to be myself. I couldn't help but to feel alone and had to seek for support from my friends... again. I never wanted to be the friend with the problems, but I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends at this stage of my life. (Shout out to my Friends who have not stopped loving me after all these years of struggles)

          And I get it, it's hard to swallow so much in just a few days for my family, especially my dad. He came to help my brother, he must be stressed enough. And my mom only ever wanted peace and a simple family. They all acted normal after that night, not normal, better actually. They acted like there was no fight or problems, and my dad has been hugging me a lot. I love my family so much, and I know they're only trying to fix things, but I'm not sure if they can be the same to me after this. I... I think I'll need a little more time and space. It still hurts too much. And I could never forget what hurts the most, him blaming himself and my mom for this. He said that he finally could see what kind of parents they are and that he suddenly felt like nothing has a purpose in life anymore. It broke my heart and it's ridiculous that I'm still the one feeling guilty over this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that he can care more about how others see our family than my happiness, it breaks my heart that he felt like he has failed as a father, it breaks my heart that he might never understand or accept me for what I am. And it will break my heart forever to know that to him, I'm a pervert.

          I'm sorry dad, but I have to keep going. I will wear the clothes I love and being who I am. I know I will never be the son you want me to be, and I can never make you proud. I'm sorry that I bring so much to the family and that I'm hurting you all. But I can not back down again, I have to love myself and take care of my happiness. Because who else can take care of our happiness if we can't even be responsible of it ? It's a dark time for me, and probably many others who are also struggling. And for those who's afraid of your families not accepting or loving you for who you are. Do me a favor: stand tall, be proud, and never stop loving yourselves. Because I see the beauty in all of you that they may not be able see. Be free, be wild, be beautiful, and be unique.

          Just be YOU.

I am... Perverted. Part 1 - Thanksgiving & Coming-Out

          So with Thanksgiving and Canada's National Coming-Out day being in the same weekend, me and my mother has gotten into a fight. My dad just arrived in Canada a few days ago to fix some problems in our family as my brother has been having some issues. Everything seemed fine for like two days and everyone just pretended like we're a happy perfect family, but I knew that the peace would be ruined sooner or later. I knew that this piece of paper would not be able to cease the fire within, I just hoped that it wasn't me who ripped the paper and released the flames...

          The fight between me and my mom was nothing really. But like all our fights in the family, it brings back the unsolved issues in the past. I finally snapped and brought up the real reason why my dad came to visit suddenly and I really don't want to have to deal with family issues right now in my life. I've been busy trying to hold everything in my life together that I would just want them to understand if I'm being a little bitchy. But no, my dad who came to "fix" problems, wanted me to tell him why I wasn't happy with the family. I talked and talked and told him about me being gay (which he already knew from me coming out to him at the beginning of the year), but he ignored it and still kept asking me about dating girls and completely acted like nothing had happened. He thought there was something wrong with my body and that it was a phase. So I made it clear to him that it's not and I do like men, and I don't need him to accept or understand it 100%, but at least not ignore it. We had a heart to heart conversation and he claims that he accepts me, but he who does not know the difference of Homosexuality and Transgender questioned if I would go too far of being gay and become a girl. I made sure that he understood that I am only gay and the end, but my mom who was still angry from the fight with me, brought up the fact that I did in fact questioned if I was transgender and that I didn't know what I am. Well, that fucked everything up.

          Yes, I did questioned if I am Transgender, many of you who read my blog would know. I really do wonder if I want to be a girl or not. After all, I do already dress like a female. It's something I still struggle with and I for now, am just going with Gender-Fluid. Gender is a label, and I am already breaking the gender barrier of Fashion, why not break the social gender standard completely ? I love the world, the fashion, and everything and I would like to experience things without restrictions just because of a body part. So call me a "she", "he", "it"...etc, I don't care. I refuse to be defined by one gender and it's stereotypes, I refuse to be restricted because of what the society has the say. I will be me and be happy. But, my family can't take it, they don't understand and as if right now, I don't think they ever will. And I can't make them go through something like this, if I really want to be female, I will have wait until I'm a grown adult who can support myself. So that's why I never wanted to tell my father about this whole gender thing, I only wanted him to know that I like men, because that's all I can confirm right now at this stage of my life. But everything just went wrong on this Thanksgiving, I mean... Happy National Coming-Out day for me, but it got as ugly as I've ever seen in years...

          I only wish that everyone else had a better Thanksgiving than me, and I'll share the rest of the story in Part 2. Life sucks sometimes, but we gotta stay strong together and never lose hope ! 

To Prove Myself

 

          Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news ! I will be officially working with a youth acting company which will be my first real acting experience outside of school. I am offered to be in two of their production this season, a Shakespeare piece and an original piece which is more abstract and more physical.

          I've really been getting involved with the arts lately, I'm trying to audition for as many things as possible. As many of you know, my confidence in acting has failed after my drama teacher wouldn't give me an audition for the major class. And my dream of being a triple major was broken... But I dropped my minor drama class this year and hope to get into many drama productions to prove to her that I have the ability to act well. And I've auditioned to our school's both Fringe Drama Festival, and the Troupe which puts on plays for children in elementary schools. I didn't get into both of them and just when I thought that I must have sucked all this time, the teacher who's in charge of the Troupe production asked me to join as a character just opened up. Sure I do care a little that I'm just a replacement, but it gave me enough confidence to still audition for the KW Youth Theatre and now I'm in ! 

          I just feel like I've finally proven myself, even though my drama teacher knows nothing about what productions I'm apart of. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely person, and she is great. But yes the major class was full, but many people still auditioned and were put on the wait-list. I wasn't upset of the fact that she didn't let me into the class, I was upset by her not giving me an audition - a chance to prove myself. And what she said to me when I asked her about this just makes me feel horrible about my talent and skills. She said, "I'm sorry, I don't think it's for you kid. Just have fun in the minor class." Like sure, I do love drama and I have fun, but I also work hard and I will if you just give me a chance. I need teachers (especially in the arts) to at least give me a chance. I know I'm not the most talented artist, singer, actor, dancer...etc, but I will work for it, because I want it.

          And I'm really scared yet excited at the same time for this Shakespeare play since it's my first time doing a Shakespeare piece. Plus, I'm still new to this Shakespeare old English thing, so that'll be a challenge. But I'm not going to let the company and the directors down. I will work as hard as I can, and make the best out of it.

          This time, I have no one to prove anything to, except for myself.

         

Waiting for My Prince Charming

          So it seems that I haven't wrote about boys in awhile huh ?

          I think I never got to talk about how many things ended for me, since I had a lot of things to focus on with my blog pieces for the past few months. But the summer actually helped me got over a lot of boys. Which is good, they're all straight anyway, it's better this way. I think I'm back to that point where I'm still desperate for a relationship, but I actually want to meet someone new and who can actually be attracted to me. Don't think that's going to happen either, but still better than having crazy crushes with straight teenage boys in school.

          Now let's start with Red (this is the point where if you don't know who "Red" is, you know that you clearly haven't read my blog long enough) shall we ? I saw Red once in the summer, and he has a girlfriend now. He seems to be doing well and that's great, I'm really happy for him. I'm still attracted to him, but I'm not going to like him again. I can't do this to myself, and my friends will actually kill me this time. Plus, I'm happy that Starbucks Barista boy came along in my life so I could get over Red. I never believed that using another guy to get over your crush works, but it worked for me. I didn't really try to get over Red either, it just happened after spending more time on Starbucks boy. As you all know, the Starbucks store closed and even though I have Starbucks boy's number, we don't text a lot. He seemed to be very busy and not replying to half of my texts, and I really didn't want to seem obsessive so eventually I just stopped trying. What made me really sad was that even though we didn't text a lot, our conversations were so cute and he seemed really flirty. Well I don't really know what "flirting" is really like, and he is straight (?), but I've shown all my girlfriends and they all agreed that he was being really flirty and sweet. I don't even know anymore, I assume he's just such a sweet, friendly guy that he can be sending the wrong vibes. Anyway, I haven't seen him since Starbucks closed, and I really really want to get over him. And I think I am, or at least I'm ready to be. I do miss him though...

          Since the school has started, I've been really lonely. But my stressful workload in school and outside of school have been keeping me from actually liking someone. The funny thing is, since I was hanging with friends my whole summer, I thought one of my guy friends was attractive for about a week before school started and it was so weird. He just was never my type, and I was scared that I'll actually have a crush on him. (Plus, he kinda has a thing with one of my friend...) But, it was phase and now I'm all good. BUT ! I liked this other guy (who's way more attractive) in school that also isn't my type at all for about three weeks after school has started, and it's just brutal. I've just became good friends with this boy over last school year and I really don't want to ruin a friendship. I have limited guy friends, and even though I know he'll be flattered knowing that I liked him, I'll feel weird and awkward. So I've decided not to like this guy, I'm cutting off my feelings though I have to admit, it's not totally gone... (UGH !)

          Like I said, I've gotten over my big crushes and I just want to meet someone new, before I start liking all my guy friends. It almost feel like being locked up in a tower for too long, now I've just lost my mind and having crushes on every human being with a penis. I will keep dreaming though, I have to. But it would be nice to really not think about boys for a little while, to know that I can be perfectly happy without longing for a man in my life. Instead of waiting for my Prince Charming, maybe I just need to climb down the tower myself. 

          Because right now, I'm not a Queen nor a mermaid, I'm just another lonely little Princess still waiting...

The Edge

          It's only the third week of school and I'm already stressed. I honestly don't know why I put myself in situations like this. I plan to be so involved and successful this year, but I feel like I'm just putting myself up for failures. 

          I just started grade eleven, but I'm taking a grade twelve course this semester that's extremely difficult. For someone like me, where English is my second language, maybe taking a grade twelve Women's Literature course isn't the smartest thing to do. But I love the course and I love English, so I'm going to try my best and just go with it. Also along with many club activities after school and auditioning for a few drama productions aren't making me any less stressed either. It's my last two years here, I want to be as involved as possible, but it's going to be difficult if I still want to socialize and watch T.V. like a normal teenager. Luckily, there haven't been a lot of drama in my family for the past few days, because that will be the last thing I need. But, I also haven't been home a lot so... Plus, I've been trying to upgrade my Fashion game at school this year. I want to be and look Fabulous everyday and impress both myself and others. But I'm really running out of outfit ideas here, and I have been taking at least an hour every night trying on clothes. Fashion really isn't easy... I don't think people really care if I wear sweatpants, but I'm just trying to look like I care.

          Boys will the last thing I want to think about, but I've just been so desperate lately, if you're a male who thinks you're attractive and my type, I've probably checked you out at some point since the start of September. At this point, I really don't care if you have a girlfriend or if you're straight, I will be like: "yes hot damn," when I see you. Honestly, usually I would never tell people if I'm attracted to them to avoid the awkwardness, but if you come to me and ask, I will tell you. I'm so done with life, I'm not even sassy Leon lately, I will just be like #ByeFelicia if you ever get on my nerves.

          So even though I'm super stressed and over life right now, I will still try to keep posting. But I've got to give my second blog some attention too, don't I ? (If you don't know, I just started my second official blog which will focus mainly on Fashion) Am I even human after all these expectation and plans !? But with all jokes aside, we can never know where our limits are if we don't at least push ourselves over the edge once. And it really isn't that bad, right now I still have time to watch maybe a movie or two on Netflix on some nights and I can still find time to hang out with my friends. It's all about organization !

(If you start seeing me at school with sweatpants, it means that I've been officially over the edge.)

          My second Blog (SUBSCRIBE !!!) : https://leyonce0910.wordpress.com/